The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (3 page)

The No-Cry Separation Anxiety group of test mommies, test

daddies, and test children. Thank you for sharing a piece of your lives

with me: Abigael, Abigail, Adam, Adama, Addisyn, Agnes, Aidan,

Ailani, Ainsley, Alannah, Alasia, Alex, Alexander, Alexandra,

Alexis, Alfi e, Alicia, Allese, Ally, Alyssa, Amanda, Amber, Amy, An,

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Acknowledgments

Ana, Anamarija, Anastasia, André, Andrea, Angela, Angel-lena,

Ann, Anna, Annajoy, Anne, Annette, Annika, Ann-Marie, Antalia,

Anthony, Antonella, Antonia, Anuradha, April, Ari, Aria, Ariella,

Arya Singh, Aspen, Asta, Atlee, Audrey, Aurora, Ava, Balin, Barb,

Baxter, Beatrix, Becca, Becka, Bekki, Bella, Benji, Berit, Bianca, Bill,

Bonnie, Bowen, Brandel, Brandy, Briana, Bridget, Brighid, Brinley,

Caelan, Caitlyn, Caleb, Cameron, Candance, Carla, Carmen, Carol,

Caroline, Carolyn, Carrie, Carter, Catherine, Catriona, Cayden,

Cesca, Challon, Charles, Charlie, Charlotte, Chaya, Chloe, Chris-

tian, Christie, Christina, Christine, Christopher, Christopher II,

Cindy, Claire, Cody, Cole, Colten, Connor, Cooper, Corey, Corrine,

Cory, Courtney, Cyndi, Cynthia, Dalton, Dani, Daniel, Daniela,

Darcie, Darwin, David, Dean, Debbie, Defne, Della, Denise, Deniz,

Dominique, Donovan, Dovi, Dylan, Eddie, Édouard, Edurne, Elea-

nor, Elena, Eli, Eliana, Elisa, Elizabeth, Ellen, Elliot, Emerson, Emily,

Emmalee, Emre, Emunah, Eoin, Eran, Erika, Erin, Ester, Esther,

Ethan, Eva, Evan, Felicity, Felix, Finley, Fox, Frida, Gabi, Gabrielle,

Garrett, Gasper, Gavin, Gay Lynn, Genevieve, George, Giovanni,

Gloria, Grace, Graydon, Grayson, Gretchen, Hailey, Haley, Hannah,

Hazel, Heather, Hoda, Holden, Hosanna, Ian, Igor, Imke, Isabelle,

Grammy Lee; Laurence, fi ve months old; and Aunt Kathleen

Acknowledgments
xiii

Ivan Luca, Jack, Jackson, Jacob, Jada, Jade, Jakob, James, James Pat-

rick, Jameson, Jamie, Janet, Janie, Jared, Javier, Jayda, Jaylen, Jean

Elizabeth, Jekaterina, Jemma, Jen, Jennifer, Jenny, Jeremy, Jessica,

Jill, Joanne, Jocelyn, Jodi, Jodie, Joe, Jolene, Jonathan, Josh, Joshua,

Juan, Julia, Julian, Julie, Kai, Kara, Kate, Katherine, Katie, Kayleigh,

Kelly, Kenya, Kim, Kimberly, Kirsten, Klara, Kristen, Kristin, Kris-

tina, Kristy, Krystal, Kyle, Kyleigh, Kylie, Lana, Lance, Laura, Lauren,

Laurence, Lavinia, Layla, Leonie, Lilian, Lilly, Lily, Linda, Lindsay,

Lindsey, Lior, Liora, Lis Ana, Lisa, Lisa Marie, Liz, Lochlan, Logan,

Lorena, Lorraine, Louise, Lucas, Luka, Luke, Lynn, Maddison,

Maddy, Madeleine, Madelyn, Madison, Maeve, Maggie, Marc, Maria,

Marjan, Mark, Marta, Martin, Marty, Marwan, Mary, Mary-Anne,

Mason, Mati, Matthew, Mattias, Mattie, Megan, Melanie, Melissa,

Meridith, Mia, Michael, Michele, Michelle, Milla, Milo, Mina, Mira,

Miriam, Molly, Monique, Mordechai, Nahzeer, Nancy, Naomi, Nat-

alie, Natasha, Nathan, Nelle, Nelly, Neve, Nicholas, Nick, Nicole,

Nikki, Nina, Noah, Noemi, Oliver, Olivia, Osvald, Owen, Pamela,

Patricia, Patrycja, Patti, Patty, Paul, Paula, Petra, Pierce, Pnina, Poppy,

Preston, Rachel, Rebecca, Refael, Reme, Rhys, Robin, Rocío, Romi,

Rosanna, Rosanne, Ryan, Sabrina, Sadhbh, Sadie, Sakina, Sam,

Samantha, Samuel, Sara, Sarah, Sebastian, S¸ebnem, Seth, Shae,

Shane, Shannon, Sharie, Sharon, Shaun, Shaunda, Shea, Shelby,

Shirley, Sienna, Sofi e, Soleil, Solene, Solveig, Sophia, Sophie, Stella,

Stephanie, Stephen, Steven, Steven III, Steven Jr., Stien, Susan, Talie,

Tamara, Tammi, Tanya, Tara, Taryn, Taylor, Tera, Thijs, Tiffany,

Tim, Timothy, Tracy, Tristan, Trudy, Tyler, Vaishali, Vanesa, Vickie,

Vida, Vikki, Vince, Vincent, Virginia, Wendy, Wesley, Weston, Wil-

liam, Wyatt, Xander, Yasmin, Yedidya, Yenny, Yolanda, Yoni, Yonina,

Zachary, Zahava, Zavier, Zion, Zita, Živa, Zoe.

The Test Parents

During the creation of this book, I received input, ideas, feedback,

questions, and delightful photos from an incredible group of test par-

ents. These 246 people (parents to 358 precious children) let me peek

into their families’ separation anxiety problems and happy successes.

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Acknowledgments

The No-Cry test parents live all over the world and represent all

different kinds of families: parents may be young, older, married, sin-

gle, unmarried partners, gay partners, or grandparents; both parents

may work, or either mom or dad may stay home; families may include

one to fi ve children, twins, and/or adopted children, all of various

ages; and a family may comprise different races and/or cultures. The

test mommies and daddies, as I affectionately call them, became

my friends during this long and complicated process, and I believe

I learned as much from them as they learned from me. They are a

varied and interesting group, as you can see from the following lists:

Locations

• 155 from the United States (Alabama, Alaska, Arizona,

California, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Illinois,

Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maryland, Massachusetts,

Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire,

New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Okla-

homa, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina,

Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, and

Wisconsin)

• 31 from Canada (Alberta, British Columbia, Manitoba, New

Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Ontario, Quebec, Saskatchewan,

and Yukon)

• 13 from Australia
(
Adelaide, Albion Park, Bayswater, Can-

berra, Hawthorn, Jerrabomberra, Melbourne, Mitchell Park,

Naremburn, Newman, Perth, Victoria, and Wellington)

• 10 from the United Kingdom (Cornwall, London, Norfolk,

Suffolk, and Surrey in England; Edinburgh in Scotland; Car-

diff in Wales)

• 7 from South Africa (Capetown, Grahamstown, and Pretoria)

• 3 from Germany (Cologne, Filderstadt, and Munich)

• 2 from Belgium (Lummen and Vosselaar)

• 2 from Israel (Jerusalem and Nof Ayalon)

• 2 from the Netherlands (Urmond and Valkenswaard)

• 2 from New Zealand (Hibiscus Coast)

• 2 from Slovenia (Notranje Gorice)

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xv

• 2 from Spain (Palma de Mallorca and Valencia)

• 2 from Sweden (Karlshamn and Olofström)

• 2 from Turkey (Istanbul)

• 1 from Argentina (Ciudad de Buenos Aires)

• 1 from Brazil (Rio de Janeiro)

• 1 from Croatia (Bale)

• 1 from Cyprus (Limassol)

• 1 from Egypt (Cairo)

• 1 from France (Aigrefeuille-sur-Maine)

• 1 from Italy (Pergine)

• 1 from Norway (Oswald)

• 1 from the Philippines (Mandaluyong)

• 1 from Portugal (Estoril)

• 1 from Singapore

Children

• 176 girls

• 182 boys

• 8 sets of twins

• 71 babies (birth to twelve months)

• 169 toddlers (twelve months to three years)

• 82 preschoolers (three years to six years)

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Editor’s Note

Several years ago, when Elizabeth Pantley came to me with a book

idea about helping babies sleep without having to let them cry, I

could tell immediately that it was a very special project from a very

special author. I knew from my own fi rst-hand experience and from

the stories of my equally bleary-eyed friends that it was going to

answer the prayers of many, many parents who desperately needed

sleep but didn’t want to leave their precious little ones screaming in

their cribs—that is,
if
Elizabeth could really pull it off.

It turned out she did—even better than I’d hoped—and
The No-

Cry Sleep Solution
has been a tremendous gift to more than a million

parents and still counting. The outpouring of gratitude to Elizabeth

through e-mails, letters, and online comments has been tremen-

dously gratifying to all of us at McGraw-Hill who’ve had the pleasure

of working on the No-Cry books with her. I have had the extra treat

of raising my own three children with the sage advice I gain from her

books.

In the years since then, Elizabeth’s No-Cry approach has helped

parents on many other topics as well, from potty training to disci-

pline. But perhaps even more important than these individual topics,

as all-consuming as they are when your child is going through them,

the No-Cry philosophy helps build strong, loving families—the kind

we all want but sometimes need a little help creating. The glowing

reviews and appreciative letters from parents continue to praise all

the books in the series on this very point. I’m always inspired anew

to be the kind of mother I want to be when I go back to reread the

books.

Now I’m so pleased that Elizabeth is giving us gentle, No-Cry solu-

tions to separation anxiety. She has pulled it off once again. As with

sleep, I know fi rst-hand how painful separation anxiety can be for

parents and children. My oldest son had a terrible time when I left

to go to work every morning. We muddled our way through many

attempts at trying to soothe him—some successful, like always saying

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Editor’s Note

good-bye, and some not, like sneaking away to avoid the situation—

but I will never forget the wrenching feeling of having to leave the

house with my adored child crying at the window. Nor will I forget, a

few years later, seeing the pain and frustration of a friend whose child

ran and hid behind trees to avoid leaving his mommy to enter the

kindergarten classroom.

I am so happy that Elizabeth’s solutions, with what we call the

Pantley Magic Bracelet as a brilliant spotlight, are helping parents

and children to overcome this anxiety more quickly and easily than

I would have thought possible. The Magic Bracelet effect truly

has to be seen to be believed! Because we are so confi dent in this

approach—and because it’s already worked for so many of the test

families with whom Elizabeth has worked—we knew we had to make

a bracelet available with the book so you can get started reducing

your own child’s separation anxiety right away. We are confi dent that

this book will provide the solutions you need for you and your child.

Good luck!

—Judith McCarthy

Editor of the No-Cry series

and Editorial Director,

McGraw-Hill Professional

Introduction

As a mother of four, I’ve had my struggles with my children’s

separation anxiety. My oldest daughter was a superglue baby.

Angela had such extreme separation anxiety that we waited to hire

our fi rst babysitter until she was ten months old. On that momentous

day, our leaving was punctuated with an unbearable scene: Angela’s

tiny little face and hands pressed against the window, tears fl ow-

ing down her face as we drove off. It broke my heart into a million

pieces, and I found it hard to enjoy our time away. An hour after we

left, we received a call at the restaurant from the babysitter, asking

us to come home. Angela had spent the entire hour crawling away

from the sitter—no toy, book, or snack would calm her down—and

she was still crying, with no signs of stopping. So we went home.

She launched herself into my arms and clung to me as if I were her

lifeline. The event was so diffi cult for her—and us—that for many

months thereafter our dinner dates were for three.

When my second daughter, Vanessa, was three years old, we signed

her up for preschool. She did not want to go and made her opinion

very clear. Every single morning after I dressed her for school, she

would hide behind the sofa and get
undressed
, all the while crying

that she wanted to stay home. In the car, she’d take off her shoes and

socks, her way of telling me she wasn’t planning to get out of the car

at preschool! When I’d fi nally redress her and get her into the class-

room, she would cling to me and cry, begging me not to leave her.

The teachers were kind and sensitive to her needs. “Give it time,”

they said. “It will get better.” It didn’t. A month later we unenrolled

her from preschool and waited six more months before trying again.

Matthew, my friend’s son, was so averse to attending daycare that