The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (12 page)

4

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool

and School-Age Children

As children move past babyhood, their world expands. They fi nd

themselves in situations that take them further away from the

familiarity of home and parents. This can be a challenge for a child

whose budding independence beckons him away but whose lack of

experience and confi dence draws him back home. Children’s inde-

pendence develops in bursts, which are frequently interspersed with

regression back to safer territory. A normal maturity process is not a

straight arrow; it’s more a wavy line that gradually makes its way along

stepping-stones of separation anxiety all the way to adulthood.

Every child is unique, so the right combination of ideas for thwart-

ing separation anxiety is different for each one. The Magic Bracelet

is an idea that can help many children with their separation anxiety.

However, some may need more than just the bracelet, and some may

have a rough start and need additional ideas to help them during

the transition period. This section will provide you with an assort-

ment of ideas that can be used along with the Magic Bracelet or by

themselves.

You know your child best, so once you read through all the sug-

gestions, you will be able to put together a good plan for your little

one. Don’t worry if things aren’t perfect from the get-go. Just revisit

the solutions and revise your plan. In time you will hit on the right

combination of solutions to help your child feel good about mov-

ing away from you and heading out into the big, wide world with

confi dence.

51

52 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Play Separation Games

You can reduce the stress of separation by making it less intimidating

through casual practice. You can achieve this goal by playing games

that include separation. A good game to play is hide-and-seek, which

you can play in the house or at the park or playground. Another

option is to have a treasure hunt, where your child follows clues

around the house or yard to fi nd a surprise at the end. Make the game

even more fun by hiding small tokens along the way. To enhance the

separation aspect of this game, you should stay in one place, such

as the kitchen, while your child wanders around and hunts. He can

ring a bell (or yell “Yahoo!”) when a treasure is found, and you can

respond with a shout of encouragement.

Tell Your Child What to Expect

When you give your child specifi c information about upcoming times

of separation, you can eliminate fears that are based on speculation

and fueled by imagination. If you are going to the store, for example,

and leaving her at home with Grandma, explain where you are going,

what she’ll do while you’re gone, and when you’ll be back.

When you give advance notice, describe in detail what to expect.

Children who have separation anxiety are often fearful of the

unknown. If separations happen without warning or if things are not

as expected, they begin looking over their shoulder for the next unex-

pected event. So help your child out by giving her specifi c details.

Children love to anticipate positive events, so if a separation situ-

ation is coming up, talk about the imminent event in a relaxed and

encouraging way. You don’t want to start too early, but based on your

child’s age and the scope of the event, you might begin talking about

it a few days or a week in advance.

Chat with your child about what will happen, but spread this out

over various short conversations. It’s helpful if you come from a posi-

tion of emotional strength: assume your child will be fi ne while she’s

away from you. Avoid talking about her fears or concerns, unless she

brings them up. If she does, acknowledge these feelings without giv-

ing them too much power. Move on again to the specifi c details of

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
53

the event. This process can help prepare your child by giving her a

more concrete picture in her mind of what to expect.

Promise to Return, and Then Remind Your

Child of the Promise

When you leave, your child will be wondering when you will be back.

You don’t want him to guess, as this can add to his worry. A brief

statement about your reunion can be very helpful. Try to tie your

return to an event, rather than a time on the clock, for two reasons.

First, giving a specifi c time can backfi re if you are a bit late; a general

time period is more fl exible. Second, cueing your return to an event

gives predictability to your child’s day; for example, “I’ll be home

after you wake up from your nap,” or “I’ll be outside waiting when the

school bell rings.”

When you are reunited, remind him that you are there when you

promised: “See? I came home after your nap, just like I said.” This

reminder builds confi dence for your next separation.

When your child is in the midst of bouts of separation anxiety,

work hard not to be late—even by a few minutes. If you are running

late, make sure you call and get a message to your child that you are

on the way. This reassures him that you will soon be there.

Understand the Age-Appropriateness of

the Anxiety

Separation anxiety is a normal and biologically necessary emotion.

It’s a sign of your child’s deep love and attachment to you. It isn’t something your child can control by himself, and it isn’t something

he is doing to annoy you. It is a phase that children outgrow over

time, and it is a process that can be moved along when you take

active steps to help your child.

Children with separation anxiety can’t explain their feelings, but

they know those feelings are not good. Their uncertainty can present

itself in many ways that may resemble misbehavior to an unknowing

54 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Professional-Speak

“Anxiety in kids can look sometimes like defi ance, rebellion,

anger, or stubbornness, when it’s really kids panicking because

they are so afraid.”

—Mark Crawford, M.D., clinical psychologist

adult. A child who is fussy, infl exible, or having a whale of a tan-

trum may inadvertently push away the adult he is trying so hard to

attach to.

Allow Your Child to Warm Up to

New Situations

Throwing a child headfi rst into a situation he’s nervous about is akin

to tossing him in the water to teach him to swim. Don’t force your

child to go far beyond his comfort zone. Instead, permit him to observe

the situation, learn more about it, and approach it a bit at a time,

whenever possible. Allow him to watch from the sidelines for a while

to absorb the goings-on and get a feel for how he’ll fi t into the picture.

Let him know he can sit and watch for as long as he wants to before

joining in, since this takes the pressure off. Many children relax when

they know they have permission to take their time getting involved.

Once a child is relaxed, he’ll be more willing to extend himself.

Introduce New People Gradually

When introducing your child to a new person, hold her hand or put

your arm around her. Require no more than a hello. It’s not a time

to demand that your child converse with this new person or answer

complex questions. If the newcomer talks to your obviously suffering

child, it’s perfectly okay to answer for her so she can warm up before

fully participating in the conversation. The safety of your touch and

lack of pressure to have a full conversation will help her feel more comfortable and build her confi dence.

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
55

Tell Stories That Teach

Some children will relax more if you explain an upcoming event in

an indirect way that takes the spotlight off their own participation

and helps them examine the situation from an outsider’s point of

view. Do this by telling your child a story using familiar characters

that he likes, putting them into the situation that he’ll be facing.

SpongeBob can go to visit his aunt and spend the night at her house,

for example. This permits you to warm your child up to the situation

and explore it from someone else’s experience before he has to face

it himself. Do this several times over a week or two prior to your

child’s actual event, so that by the time it’s his turn, it will feel more

familiar.

Have a Dress Rehearsal

Children who have healthy imaginations and like to play make-

believe games have a built-in method to prepare them for upcoming

events. Several times in advance of a new situation you can play a

Keliah, sixteen months old

56 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

game where you mimic what will happen. For example, if your child

is going to be spending the night with a babysitter, you can dress up

as the sitter (put on a hat, scarf, and sunglasses). Playact the upcom-

ing situation, making it fun and being cheerful all the while. Try to

make the details realistic (ring the doorbell, walk in, say hello, review

the events of the evening, then say good-bye to the imaginary mom

and dad). Once the make-believe parents are gone, go through some

of the actions that might occur. For example, in your role as babysit-

ter, play a game and make a snack using items you’ll then actually

provide to the real sitter.

Create Baby Steps of Autonomy

Rather than focusing on a full-blown situation of long-term separa-

tion, provide opportunities for your child to take small steps toward

independence. For example, take your child to a familiar park, and

once he’s involved in an activity, move a short distance away, sit on a

bench, and read a book. Every once in a while, touch base with him,

if necessary, by waving or making a comment such as, “Wow! You’re

swinging high.” However, if he doesn’t look to you for this reassur-

ance, then avoid offering it, since you want to support his ability to

be confi dent when he’s away from you.

Give Your Child a Calming Trinket

An anxious child can sometimes be calmed by having something to

stroke or squeeze, thereby releasing some of his nervous energy. Give

your child a tiny stuffed animal or a lucky charm, like a squishy ball.

You might give him something of yours, like an old key chain or a

soft scarf. Before separating, give the charm a kiss and hug and put it

in your child’s pocket. Explain that he can hold on to it whenever he

wants and feel the love there. This is a similar idea to that of a Magic

Bracelet (described in Chapter 3) but uses a slightly different type of

item in a somewhat different way.

No-Cry Solutions for Preschool and School-Age Children
57

Visit in Advance

If your child is to be left at school, daycare, or a sitter’s home, visit a

few days beforehand just to check it out. Introduce her to the teach-

ers, show her the cubbies, and play with the toys. While you are there,

make an effort to avoid being a constant presence—step back from

time to time so your child can feel what it will be like without you

there. Talk about the experience later at home and mention what

a great job she did; bring up some of the highlights and interesting

things she saw. Tell her that you’re confi dent she’ll have fun when

she’s there next.

Have a Specifi c Routine for Parting

If your child will be spending time at daycare, school, or elsewhere on

a regular basis, then have a very specifi c routine for the events lead-

ing up to separation. You can even make a poster with your morn-

ing routine described in detail. The steps can be demonstrated with

drawings or photos. Follow your chart every day, exactly the same

way, to build the routine into a comfortable rhythm.

It can help to create a secret handshake, a good-bye phrase, or

other key components of leave-taking that you follow each time

to create a bonding ritual before parting. This can give your child

closure about your separation. In addition, the familiar sequence of

Mother-Speak

“Logan has a special way to say good-bye to me every morn-