The New Mrs D (13 page)

Chapter Eighteen

‘This love triangle is waaaaay too complicated’
- Pythagoras’s other woman.

T
he following afternoon I finished poking fun at one of Greece’s most famous mathematicians, waved to Chris as he sat with a new tutor group on the veranda and headed off on my moped alone for some sightseeing. At half past four I returned to find a note pinned to my door:

Sorry, something came up. Enjoy the ride.

That beautiful. balmy evening, when I made my way to the gate in front of the stables, I was met by Linda, Eydis and Greta.

‘Are you really going to get up on a horse, Greta?’ I asked.

‘Fir sure lassie!’ she said cheerily. After her evening of skinny-dipping, I should have guessed she was up for any adventure. At seventy-seven, she was putting me to shame.

‘Is this it, then?’ I asked. ‘Just the four of us?’

‘Looks that way, honey,’ Linda replied.

‘I thought Ginger wis coming?’ said Eydis.

‘Ach, I chapped her room earlier an’ she said she has a wee bit o’ sunstroke. An’ the guys are daein’ an archery thing,’ Greta explained.

‘So it’s just us ladies then?’ I said, ignoring a tug of sadness, as I guessed exactly where Ginger might be at this moment.

‘And Linda,’ Eydis joked.

‘Hi, ladies, come through!’ came a shout from beyond the gates. It was Michaela’s cheery voice.

‘Have you never ridden before, Binnie?’ Michaela asked, as she introduced me to my horse, a creamy-white, agreeable-looking beauty named Shyla. The others had already mounted, but I was hesitant, having not ridden a horse since a series of riding lessons I’d had as a girl, going through what Smother had called ‘another of your fancies and phases that died a death.’

‘Yes,’ I replied. ‘Although I must warn you, it’s been about thirty years. And . . .’ I whispered so that Shyla couldn’t hear. ‘I kind of crashed a kayak yesterday.’

‘Oh, you will be fine,’ Michaela said, smiling assuredly at me. I wondered at her not demanding more information on the kayak-crashing thing and the fact that she believed in me. Such trust. ‘It’s like riding a bike,’ she continued. ‘You never forget.’

Shyla had begun to nibble my right shoulder. I patted her nose and nudged her off.

‘That tickles,’ I told her. ‘Stop it.’

‘She likes you,’ said Michaela. ‘Now, are you ready to climb up?’

Shyla was nibbling my shoulder again. ‘What are you doing that for?’ I asked, half laughing, half, well, a bit scared really.

The horse pawed the ground with a clod, clod, clod.

‘She says three!’ Eydis declared.

‘I can tell you what she says,’ remarked Michaela, as Shyla went back to nibbling and nudging my shoulder. ‘She says, “I have got your back, Binnie”.’

‘Eh?’

‘I think she’s tryin’ tae tell ye to ride her oan the right side o’ the road,’ Greta declared, beaming at me.

‘She is helping you,’ Michaela said. ‘Horses are emotive creatures. They can sense your deepest thoughts and feelings.’

Shyla continued to nuzzle my shoulder and I tried with no success to hold her off again. ‘Can she sense I don’t like being tickled?’ I asked.

Shyla stomped the floor again.

‘Today is not going to be just a ride through the waves for all of you ,’ Michaela said. ‘Use this time to look away from whatever is troubling you and go back into yourself. Tune in.’

‘Tune in?’

‘Aye, tune in,’ Greta said, leaning forward to twiddle her horse’s ears as if trying to get a radio signal.

Michaela continued seriously, ‘Horses can make an important connection with you. Let them in. I promise you will be surprised and amazed.’

‘They’re horsey healers,’ said Linda.

‘Indeed,’ Michaela replied. ‘When I came to work here four years ago, I had just lost my husband.’ There was a collective ‘Ahh,’ from the other women.

‘Oh, I’m so sorry,’ I said. ‘But you’re so young. How old was he?’

‘Twenty seven,’ she replied. ‘It was very unexpected; a heart condition. The horses helped me through what was the toughest time of my life.’

‘The trouble with the world is that it just keeps on turning,’ said Eydis.

‘That is very, very true,’ I said, adding. ‘I’m sure your husband would want you to go on with your life and be happy.’

‘I tell you what,’ Michaela said, smiling again and patting Shyla’s back, inviting me again to climb up. ‘I will if you will.’

I turned Shyla’s face to mine and looked her in the eye. ‘What is with my shoulder?’ I asked her, as she nudged it again. ‘It’s not hurting.’

‘I wonder what you are carrying on it?’ Michaela said. ‘Climb up. All will become clear.’

Chapter Nineteen

Enjoying equine holistic therapy in the company of some formidable women. I don’t recommend the shoulder massage.

‘I
wish
I
was one.’ The comment was to myself really, but heard by all.

‘One what?’ Linda asked.

We were on the beach enjoying a salad of feta and figs, washed down with sweet, icy peach juice from a flask, while the horses rolled around in the warm, soft sand. Everyone else’s horses that is. Shyla was at my side, back to nudging and chewing on my shoulder as I updated Facebook for the second time that day. I’d given up trying to stop her. Unfortunately, she didn’t fall for the ‘Here, have a fig horsey’ distraction method.

‘I was just thinking how great it would be to be a horse,’ I lied.

Shyla stamped the ground.

‘A horse?’

I had of course been wishing I was ‘a formidable woman’, but didn’t want to admit it.

‘Yes, a horse. Imagine this life in the sun, rolling around the sand and occasionally carrying the odd human along the shoreline. No worries in the world except who’s buying the hay. I could do that.’

Shyla stamped the ground again, gently pushing my head with her nose.

‘Why does she keep doing that?’ I asked.

‘Whatever it is you’re holding on to,’ Michaela said. ‘I think Shyla just wants to help you to let it go.’

The horse nudged my head again.

‘I wish I had your courage,’ I blurted out. The statement was to Michaela.

‘
My
courage?’

‘Yes. And Greta’s courage.’

Greta blinked at me. ‘Me? Whit did I dae?’

‘And Eydis. And you, Linda. All of you really. I wish I was as strong as all of you.’

‘In what way?’ Michaela asked.

I breathed in. Shyla nudged me again. ‘Well, you, Michaela; you have such a passion for life and your work. You’ve been widowed so young, yet you’re getting on with your life, doing what you love in a place you love. Doing absolutely
everything
with
meraki
. I want some of that!’ Michaela nodded in understanding.

I continued. ‘Whereas I don’t even know what it is I love – work-wise anyway – and I don’t know where my place is. Where I ‘fit’ exactly.’ There was a lot pouring out and I didn’t quite understand where it was coming from.
Was there vodka in this peach juice?

Shyla pawed the ground some more, but had stopped nudging me.

‘And Greta,’ I went on. ‘I know you won’t mind my mentioning that I found you and Hughie walking up and down a beach at midnight, nude amongst twenty or so young folk, after an evening of skinny-dipping the other night.’

‘Greta?’ Linda said, astonishment in her voice. Eydis and Michaela looked surprised too.

‘Aye weel,’ she laughed. ‘Ye only live wance.’

‘And what were
you
doing there?’ Linda asked me.

‘I was sat on a rock, fully clothed, hugging my handbag to my belly and thinking about a bunch of sad times I’d really rather forget.’

Linda laughed. ‘Didn’t I tell you to . . . ?’

‘Wake up and smell the dahlias?’ I finished for her. ‘Yes, you did, but I completely suck at it. Look, I’m going to be brutally honest now, Greta, and tell you that at the time I was horrified to find you there,’ I admitted.

‘Well, I was a wee bit horrified to fun’ masel’ there tae,’ she said, chuckling at the memory. ‘It was Hughie’s idea, the ol’ bampot.’

‘Hughie made you go to a nudist beach?’ Linda cut in, sounding incredulous.

‘No, he didnae
make
me go,’ she replied.

‘And it wasn’t a nudist beach,’ I added.

‘Aye, it was just a place where young ‘uns gather at night wae their clathes off.’

‘And then there’s you, Linda. And Eydis. Two openly gay women in a world that’s still so full of bigotry and intolerance; there’s still such a long way to go, sadly. I can’t imagine what that must be like and I can’t imagine my being able to do it. I’d rather chicken out, than stand out. Do you know what I mean?’

‘Sure,’ said Linda. ‘I think I do.’

‘The point is, living that kind of authentic life takes a hell of a lot of courage actually. It shouldn’t, of course, but it does.’

‘I have a brother who hasn’t spoken to me since I came out,’ Eydis admitted.

‘I haven’t lived authentically,’ Linda said. ‘I’ve never told anyone I’m a lesbian.’ I turned to look at her, expecting to see sadness in her eyes, but she just looked thoughtful.

‘I’ve never come out to anyone back home,’ she continued. ‘Finding Eydis online was the first time in my life, ever, that I’ve had the courage to explore my sexuality.’

‘I didn’t know that!’ I said.

Eydis hugged her. ‘It’s not easy for everyone.’

‘Especially when you teach children in a small town in the back of beyond,’ Linda added. ‘They hunt you down if you are in any way different. Hell, what if their babies catch gay off you?’

‘I had no idea,’ I said. ‘Now I can understand what you said about all those years of being alone.’

‘Like you say,’ she replied. ‘It takes courage to live – what did you call it – authentically? A lot of courage in some cases.’

‘
That’s
what I wish I had. Courage.’

‘You had the courage to leave your rat of a husband, didn’t you?’

The words ‘rat of a husband’ stung a little.
Was David really a rat?

‘Oh, God! I’m sorry, Binnie. It wasn’t my place to spit that out to everyone,’ Linda said, clasping a hand to her mouth.

Shyla snorted into my ear, making me start.

‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ I told her. ‘It had to come out at some point. Although I didn’t
leave
him yet. Technically, we are on a break.’ Everyone fell silent. Shyla began nibbling my shoulder again.

‘Oh, okay Mrs Wise-Ass Horsey!’ I cried, pushing her face away. ‘And I’m not sure he is one.’

‘Wan whit?’ said Greta, now leaning forward with interest.

‘A rat,’ I answered.

‘Why?’ asked Linda.

I hesitated.

‘I just don’t know . . .’

‘You dinnae hae to talk aboot it, lass, if ye dinnae want to,’ Greta interrupted, leaning in to put a hand on my shoulder.

Michaela patted my back too, adding, ‘Not a strong woman? Well, for someone that survived a fish explosion . . .’

‘Not to mention a volcanic eruption,’ Eydis said.

‘And ye snowboarded doon it too,’ Greta chipped in.

The three other women laughed, but Michaela looked astonished.

‘You snowboarded down a volcano?’ she said. Somehow this was more astonishing news to her than my newly estranged husband.

‘I don’t feel brave,’ I went on. ‘Or strong. I feel very weak actually.’ At least while I was talking, Shyla stopped eating my shoulder. ‘I didn’t send him home for cheating,’ I said.

‘You sent him home?’ Eydis gasped. ‘You mean, he was here with you?’

‘Yes, he was here and yes, I sent him home. It was because he was using porn. All the time. I found him doing it in our hotel room.’ My last words opened the floodgates. ‘He was using porn instead of making love to me.’

I waited for the ‘You did what?’ the ‘How weak is that?’ and the ‘Why didn’t you just join in?’ There was a moment’s silence – presumably for the loss of my dignity. It was all so embarrassing. Greta spoke first. ‘Haw, that’s why my Hughie and me dinnae hae internet.’

‘What?’ I said.

‘We don’t have internet,’ she accentuated. ‘That dirty auld bugger.’

‘Really? You too?’

‘Aye.’

‘Me three,’ said Michaela.

I was stunned. ‘You?’

‘Yes, me too. I hated it,’ Michaela said truthfully. ‘But I lived with it. I thought, at least he wasn’t having a real affair.’

‘But, what if that’s just something we tell ourselves to make it seem normal. A permission-giving belief?’ I said.

‘What does it matter if he’s doing it?’ she answered. ‘Porn, half naked women . . . temptation is everywhere and men just can’t help themselves. How can they?’

‘You see,’ I said. ‘I’ve been so stupid. I ended my five-day-old marriage because . . .’

‘Five days?!’ said Greta.

‘Yep. Five days,’ I said. All eyes were on me and all looked astounded at this latest newsflash.

‘You’re on your honeymoon?’ said Linda.

‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘And yes, I’m weak, because I don’t think I can live with that thing that men ‘just do’ and stupid, because I married him thinking he’d stopped.’

‘I have to admit,’ said Eydis, ‘five days is a pretty short time to give up on someone for doing something you knew they’d done before. Not that I want to bash you when you’re down, or anything.’

‘No, you’re right,’ I agreed. ‘It sounds awful doesn’t it? But he has a problem. An addiction, if you like. We went to counselling and there had been nothing for a whole year. Marriage seemed the right thing to do. I thought I’d saved him from himself and we were happy.’

‘Why were you worried about the porn?’ Michaela asked. ‘It’s not about you.’

‘That’s what he always says,’ I admitted. ‘But I don’t know, it just hurts me. I feel betrayed. Why can’t I be allowed to have all these feelings?’

‘You can,’ said Linda.

‘Of course ye can,’ Greta added. ‘He’s your guy an’ it’s your marriage. Dinnae think twice aboot it.’

‘I have to admit though,’ Eydis added. ‘It sounds to me like maybe you married him for all the wrong reasons. You shouldn’t marry a guy for
his
sake, you should marry him for yours. Because it’s what you want. If it isn’t right for you, then what’s it all for?’

‘You can’t save someone by marrying them.’ Linda said.

‘But I do love him!’

Michaela shook her head. ‘I just think you should try to save your marriage. He’s just being a man.’

‘Bull crap,’ said Greta. ‘Sorry, Michaela, but I don’t think it’s right tae tell a girlie tae put up and shut up. She’s unhappy an’ she’s hurting. That’s nae life for aw’body.’

‘Deep in your heart, Binnie, did you think he’d really changed when you married him?’ asked Linda. ‘Or did you just hope? Because hope ain’t a big enough cradle to hold something like the rest of your life’s happiness.’

‘I really, truly believed he’d stopped. I mean, there were times when we used it together, but I hated it, I admitted. ‘Maybe I’m the one to blame though. Michaela has a point. Millions of women must live with the porn thing and don’t see any problem with it. Maybe I’m just weak and pathetic.’

‘I think Linda and Greta are right,’ Eydis said. ‘If it hurts you, it’s not acceptable.’

‘You’re right, what you say, Bernice.’ Linda added. ‘It sure is hard to admit it makes you feel like you’re not enough for him. Of course there will be folks thinking that’s weak.’

‘Bugger ‘em,’ said Greta.

‘Why the heck should you feel weak or less than a woman?’ Eydis cut in. ‘It was his problem, not yours.’

‘There was more to it,’ I admitted. ‘We never had sex and I’m sure that his porn was the reason. It was like I just wasn’t enough for him. But, still, it doesn’t feel like a valid reason to leave someone.’

‘Are you kidding? If it hurts you and he knows it does . . .’ Eydis started.

‘He knows it does and he’s supposed to love you. And yet he kept on doing it?’ Linda continued. ‘He should have loved you enough to want to make you love you enough. Every damn day.’

‘You know, he may have been numbed by it,’ Michaela said thoughtfully.

‘Yes, that’s very true,’ agreed Eydis. ‘People get desensitized by it.’

‘But other women manage to live with it,’ I argued. ‘Michaela managed to live it.’

‘I wonder about that, to be honest,’ said Linda. ‘Not you, Michaela, but women in general. Are they just giving their permission because it’s easier than admitting it hurts? I wonder how many marriages have ended because of the husband – or wife’s – porn use and the wronged spouse has just made up some other reason for the split?’

‘It is a shame, really,’ Eydis said. ‘There is so much of it everywhere, no wonder women are so down on themselves. We are becoming a society that just
accepts
it.’

‘That is it exactly,’ I said. ‘Don’t I have the right to make a stand about the things I’m prepared to accept? What kind of life will I have if I just continue to live with it, pretending it is okay, when it is not?’

‘Not an honest one,’ said Eydis. Linda and Michaela nodded in agreement now.

‘Women just need tae be theresels,’ said Greta, adding, without a hint of malice, ‘even the big, gay wans.’ We all laughed.

‘You teach people how to treat you,’ Eydis carried on.

‘Listen, lady,’ Greta said, giving me a cuddle. ‘If you keep accepting what yir getting’, you just get more o’ the same. If someone gies ye cream cheese crackers at a party, and you hate cream cheese, but you eat them anyway, the next time you go tae their party, what do ye get?’

‘Cream cheese crackers!’ Linda, Eydis and Michaela all said together.

‘Isn’t it nice?’ Michaela remarked. ‘This isn’t equine therapy; it’s all girls together therapy. I should get the company to employ you all.’

‘That’s okay,’ Linda replied. ‘But I’m not staying in a stable with the horses.’

‘I just cannae believe a pretty young thing like you was worried you werenae enough for oanyone,’ Greta said. ‘My Hughie hinks yer hot stuff.’

‘It’s not even my first marriage I’m messing up,’ I admitted sadly.

‘You messed up?’ Linda said sharply. ‘Oh, no, no, no. It sounds to me like you showed your man the boundaries and he strolled right across them.’

‘But, Linda, my first husband didn’t think I was good enough for him either. He had a six year long affair. Maybe it’s all related. Maybe it has everything to do with me.’

‘Dear God, Binnie,’ Eydis remarked. ‘It’s like you think you need to live up to everyone’s standards but your own! Your first husband cheats on you – you weren’t enough for him. Your second husband betrays you – you weren’t enough for him. Have you ever considered the possibility that they weren’t enough for you?’

‘No,’ I admitted.

‘Weel,’ said Greta. ‘Think oan that for a wee while, ‘cos it’s true.’

‘You know, I was sat on the beach with Chris yesterday and this beautiful, young woman stood right in front of us, whipped off her top and started smearing sun cream on. I don’t know why but I felt so uncomfortable! And I found myself just watching her all the time, like some pervert. But Chris was with me. You know, the painter?’