The New Bottoming Book (17 page)

In the state of transcendence we have a heightened awareness, which makes this a good time to let in new truths. This is a time of suspense — remember the Hanged Man? — a time to let go of our self-consciousness, to leave our selves, propelled by divine mercilessness.

This experience of Dossies helps illustrate the dark energy of S/M spirituality:

A while ago I was having a lot of difficulty with some painful losses in my life, and had gotten stuck blaming myself for my losses, and blaming myself for feeling bad when I was terribly sad and angry - I was in sorry shape. I contacted a friend of mine, another heavy bottom, and asked if she would be willing to channel some of

my disturbed energy in the form of a caning that I would perform on her. I promised to own my energy, and take it back when we were through, not to just dump it on her and leave her with it. She agreed. I began caning her, and after a warmup time the energy, and the caning, became really intense, and I definitely had the feeling that I was throwing out a lot of my rage and grief along with the cane, and that she was taking it in and riding it with great pleasure. I was using my rage as the scary part of the rollercoaster. Periodically, as we went along, and as the play became harder and faster, I would move up to her head and hold her while I checked in to make sure she was all right. After a particularly violent attack from me, when I checked in, she turned to me with a beatific smile and said, "I love your energy. I love your shadow." This was a revelation to me - that she could find a way to love what I most hated about myself - what a lesson. This bottom transformed her top.

We can do healing, change and growth with S/M and ritual. We believe old wounds can sometimes be healed by going through the wounds, as if there were parts of us that we can only access through those painful openings.

How can we do spirituality and healing with such dirty stuff? A lover of Dossies had a fine answer for that - "I know my fantasies have dirry roots." And how else would you grow roses?

By Dossie Easton

When you fuck me I become enormous. A greatness grows inside of me,

around your hand I Swell.

Resistance amplifies, friction heats. Pushing pulls up power so I

Struggle, thrashing and yelling, straining against you.

Restraining, you overpower me, hold me down

hold me still so I feel

heat of cunt, pressure of blood,

swelling of delicate tissues stretched beyond reason.

Your face over mine, your eyes dig in, your fist deep

You string me on a burning rope from your hand in my cunt

all the way to your tongue in my mouth

You open a channel through me that reaches far beyond both of us.

Laughing now me gasping Gigantic full of you while you

Grab my hair, take my head, drown me with your tongue, sweet hot taste of tangled spit

You spread your fingers wide inside me, blow me up a huge balloon: Bellowing, I suck you in deeper.

You fuck a rougher rhythm. I raise myself to reach you still holding me down.

I reach my heart out below us and

Draw up fire from the center of the earth where rock melts, you falling into me Cavernous:

You pour through me red like vaporized stone

With your hand

I pull you through me on the burning rope

and shoot you from the earth to the moon.

I can take you, all of you,

and I can give you back.

(Previous version originally published in Bottoming Book.)