The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant (12 page)

However, if everything works, you will be amazed at the new dimensions that are opened up for both of you. BDSM doesn’t replace vanilla sex; it simply adds new vistas of which most people are not even aware.

Suggested Reading

When Someone You Love Is Kinky,
Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, Greenery Press

The First Scene

So you’ve done what once seemed impossible: found a submissive who’s eager to play with you. It’s now up to you to put together a scene that accommodates both of your fantasies and desires, but steers clear of anything that’s beyond the physical or emotional limits of this particular partner — or, for that matter, beyond your physical or emotional limits.

In order to build this scene you’re going to have to do some talking. These initial discussions should be quite detailed, but they can also be a mini-scene in their own right. The conversation can be played as a job interview with a young person attempting to get a well-paying job with a dominating, powerful person of the opposite sex, a medical examination, a Catholic-type confession before a priest or mother-superior, or a respondent to a Kinsey-type sex survey. Some sample questions are in the appendix which contains a questionnaire Sir Spencer uses when interviewing new submissives.

You need to go over the submissive’s medical history. Important facts are:

• Old injuries, particularly broken bones and tendons (for example, a person whose Achilles tendon has been surgically reattached is not a good candidate for many kinds of inverted suspension)
  
• Diabetes (a diabetic can pass out unexpectedly and is much more prone to long-lasting bruises)
  
• Contact lenses (these can dislodge during blindfolding; in any case, the dominant should have a supply of artificial tears in case something gets in the submissive’s eye)
  
• Asthma (gags are definitely a no-no and you should keep the medication handy)
  
• High blood-pressure or heart problems (obvious)
  
• Allergies (for example, some people get severe skin reactions to alcohol; this would eliminate both Fire on Skin and basic sterilization techniques or latex which would call for gloves and condoms of another material)
  
• Glaucoma (this does not go well with inverted suspension)
  
• Orgasmic syncope (people with this condition pass out during orgasm; it is frightening but not dangerous)
  
• Skin sensitivity (some people have skin that is exceptionally sensitive to cutting and bruising)
  
• Tendency to muscle cramps or old sprains or strains (for example, a person with a history of charley- horses shouldn’t be forced to stand on tiptoe or put in extreme positions)
  
• Back problems (this would call for care in requiring high heels and the elimination of any hog-ties or arched-back positions)
  
• Tendency to bladder infections (women with this problem have to be very careful about cleanliness in the area of the urethra)
  
• Hemorrhoids (this obviously would put a limit on playing with the ass)
  
• Any psychological problems (a person with claustrophobia is not going to react well to hooding or mummification)
  

You should also ask the submissive about what his or her turn-ons and turn-offs are, as well as what he or she sees as frightening. However, something that a submissive admits to being scared of is not automatically banished from your repertoire; actually, it may turn out to be a major turn-on for that submissive. The sensation of fear is one of the major driving forces of the scene. Helping a submissive ride that crest of fear is one of the strongest highs for a dominant.

If you wish, you can ask about the submissive’s pain tolerance, but, except with highly experienced submissives, I have found such responses to be unreliable. One woman who described herself as a “big sissy” gloried in fifteen to twenty strokes of the cane, something well beyond the tolerance of most submissives. A muscular man who told a female dominant, “I can take anything a woman can dish out,” was screaming his safeword before she ran out of her first baggie of clothespins.

This initial conversation is a good place to assign a safeword or words or allow the submissive to choose them. For a detailed discussion of the types and levels of safewords, check the consent chapter. Here, I will only say again that it is absolutely necessary to have at least one safeword so the submissive can stop the scene before it gets too intense. The submissive using a safeword is not an insult to your abilities. It is simply a recognition that Murphy’s Law exists in BDSM as well as everywhere else. Things can go wrong.

At this point, you should also discuss any limits on activities, including sexual. It does not have to be detailed. It can be as simple as, “I will not have sex with you, and you may not come without my permission,” or, “I feel free to use you sexually in any way that strikes my fancy as long as I use safe sex techniques,” or if you wish, you can go deeply into precisely what can and cannot be done.

Some novice submissives tend to go in one of two diametrically opposed directions. Some declare, usually with a dreamy look in their eyes, “I have no limits.” Others have a long and complex list of “Things I’ll never do.”

For the ones with a long list, I recommend a gentle smile. Usually, I suggest writing down the list, sealing it in an envelope and leaving it with me. A year or so down the line, we can get together, open the envelope and have a good laugh. This does not mean that limits are meaningless or you can feel assured that any specific limit will pass away, but just that people tend to grow and change in a new environment. Usually, such lists change beyond recognition as a person becomes more aware of the sensual opportunities and also learns about new things that cause him or her to shudder.

If one or more of the items on the list are things that the dominant really wants to do, you need to talk a bit more. Because the scene has yet to produce a Webster and his dictionary, what you mean by a word may be quite different than what your potential partner means. For example, “whipping” to you may mean a sensually writhing submissive and a deer-hide flogger, but to her it may mean white-hot agony and blood splattered walls. However, sometimes it’s a case of you both meaning the same thing, but one with zeal and the other with antipathy. If the other aspects of the potential relationship are not enough for you to put this particular activity on the back burner, then it may be a sign this partner is not the right fit.

There is no shame in this. The scene is a complex maze of pathways and few people walk exactly the same one. Sometimes, it’s just a case of both sets of needs and desires being so far apart that a link is not possible. One major reason for careful communication is that it’s better to find this out sooner rather than later.

As for the “no limits” submissive, this really isn’t all that bad a situation as long as you keep a sense of reality and a sense of humor. What he or she is really saying is “I want my dominant to have the same set of limits as I have.” Now, this is a laudable goal, but for that to happen, he or she is really going to have to think about what the shared limits really are.

Usually, I find a gleeful expression and an exclamation of, “Great, I’ve been looking for someone who would let me cut off some fingers,” goes a long way to injecting reality into the conversation.

While you are gathering information about limits and desires, keep in mind that this is an opportunity for the submissive to look over an unfamiliar dominant. For the submissive’s peace of mind, you should be careful to maintain a dignified and professional demeanor.

You can either ask about the submissive’s fantasies or try a more sensual, voluptuous approach I enjoy. The basic idea of it is taken from Sigmund Freud. He recognized that people can be extremely sensitive to body language and other subliminal clues when they are talking about highly personal matters. Freud suggested that the doctor sit out of sight of the patient during the session to minimize the cues that might make it difficult for the patient to be open. My method modifies Freud’s technique for my own, erotic purposes.

If your submissive is comfortable with being nude, have him or her undress and sit in a comfortable chair. If not, have him or her change into loose, comfortable garments before sitting down. Comfort is important because you don’t want any distractions. Stand behind the submissive or put your chair behind theirs. The important thing is to be outside of the line of sight. Reach around the chair and gently run your hands over her breasts and neck or his chest and balls. Do not play hard enough to give more than a slight turn on. The imagination, not your hands, should be the primary stimulant.

An alternative is to have him or her put on a blindfold and lie on a bed. You can, if you wish, use light bondage techniques from the other chapters. Since there should not be any struggling, there is little need to worry about binding or nerve damage. The ropes, scarves or whatever should be tied loosely and used primarily for psychological effect. The idea is to stimulate fantasy, not do a full-fledged scene.

If possible, put on some soft, relaxing music. Everything should be designed to promote relaxation and flights of fancy without giving any clues as to what “appropriate” responses should be.

In a low, gentle voice say something like, “Just relax, my darling. Close your eyes. Feel sexy. Be aware of being turned on. Let your imagination run wild. Don’t try to guide it or keep from thinking about anything no matter how erotic. Nothing you say now is real. It is all fantasy. Just let me ride through your subconscious with you. There are no rules, no taboos. Tell me what you are thinking and dreaming about.”

For the first ten minutes to a half hour, you will usually get conventional sex fantasies. As these begin to wane, there may be a bit of resistance. After all, you are getting into a very, very personal space. Don’t be insistent, but just continue as you have been. “You are so exciting, my dear. Tell me more. Let’s continue to explore. You are turning me on so much. Share your fire with me.”

Never, under any circumstances, show the slightest sign of shock or disapproval. Even a gasp or an “oh my!” can destroy the entire atmosphere. Listen and learn.

Whatever technique you use, you need to explore the submissive’s fantasies. While you are not bound to follow any script, this information will allow you to create scenes that can excite and please both of you.

Making a Scene Sing

Defining a scene is about as easy as defining a love affair. Some people like scenes that are very casual, while others prefer formality and a specific set of signals to determine the beginning and the end of a scene which is played in a specific time and place. The majority do both as the spirit strikes them.

However, for the purposes of this section, I’m going to explore the possibilities of formal, pre-arranged, relatively lengthy scenes. It is the most complex kind of scene, so you can feel free to pick and choose from my suggestions when planning your activities. Feel free to add your own twists and kinks.

Whether a scene is to be with an unfamiliar submissive or an old and treasured one, it begins for the dominant long before the submissive arrives. I generally run a scene much like a jazz dance. I know where I am and where I want to go, but the spirit of the moment, my sense of the rightness and the influence of my partner all come together in a complex set of dynamics that changes minute by minute, even second by second.

On a higher plane, there is a strong link between the spontaneity, intensity and passion inherent in the creation of any work of art and in a scene. William Wordsworth defined poetry as “the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings.” He might well have been referring to the joyful exaltation of the whip and the rope. However, even a poet must prepare the pen, the artist the brush.

Preparation

Is the equipment you plan to use available and in good working order? The actual maintenance can be left to a submissive or submissives. It is sheer bliss to some to be allowed to maintain the instruments of their joy. One mistress sets her submissives to chewing the tails of her whips to make them soft and supple.

Still, you are the one responsible for the scene and the safety of everyone in it. You must check the equipment personally.

If the scene will last more than an hour or so, make sure an adequate supply of food and drink will be available. Both you and the submissive are going to be expending incredible amounts of energy. Hunger and thirst can be a distraction from the exciting sensations you want to feel. At a very minimum, I bring a supply of some small, easy-to-swallow treats. Hershey’s Kisses or M&Ms are favorites. They are perfect for popping in a submissive’s mouth when he or she least expects it. The candy provides a quick burst of energy, and the sweet sensuality of it is a marvelous contrast to the dynamic sensuality of what you are doing.

There is some small risk in doing this because of the level of excitement the submissive is feeling, but I’m sure you know the Heimlich maneuver. If not, read the poster that seems to violate the decor of every restaurant in the country.

Some people plan their scenes with the precision of a German railroad timetable. I’ve seem some that went: 8:00 to 8:20 spanking, five minute rest, 8:25 to 8:50 whipping with a deerskin cat, and so on. If this is your turn on, so be it. I, personally, feel this kind of scheduling takes much of the spontaneity out of the scene.

This kind of teutonic scheduling is often desired by male sub-missives and seems to have two sources. With an inexperienced submissive, it is most often an attempt to work out a fantasy which he has had for a number of years. This should be strongly discouraged. Such a person generally has very unrealistic expectations regarding his personal limits and endurance. Also, it is an attempt to seize control of the scene from you. Either situation is a potential disaster.

Less often, such a program may be presented by an experienced submissive who is attempting to recreate a previous experience. While this is much less likely to fail, you should still discourage such attempts. First, you are not the other dominant or top. It is unlikely you could recreate what actually happened, and worse it is almost impossible for you to be able to recreate what his mind now “remembers” of the experience after he has had time to embellish it in fantasy.