The Natural History of Us (19 page)

In that moment, I loathed myself. The guy I'd become. A spineless wimp grasping at a grown man's approval. But I needed it. God, I needed it like air. Dan Williams wasn't only the best high school coach in the state, he was a man of integrity. A true family man who cared about other people.
Who saw something in
me
. That meant everything.

“Then we won't tell anyone.” Peyton squeezed my shoulder and I raised my head to look at her. “I mean it. If that's what's keeping us apart, if telling people bothers you that much, then we'll keep it a secret. It's no one's business but ours anyway.”

The time to keep my hands to myself was over. Reaching out, I grasped her hips and said, “You don't mean that. You can't. This isn't middle school, Peyton. People don't have secret boyfriends and girlfriends. You deserve—”

“Jesus! Will you stop telling me what I want and deserve?”

Frustration widened her eyes, sparking them with fire. “I don't want to be with you so I can write our names together on a bathroom stall, Justin! I don't care about popularity or rubbing it in girls' faces. I want to be with you because you make me laugh. Because you're confident and smart and you actually see me.” When she heaved a sigh, warm breath fanned across my lips. “Because when I'm with you, I remember how it feels to be
alive
.”

Out of everything she could've said, that did it.

Peyton Williams would be the end of me. I felt the truth of it in my bones. But there was no more stopping it or sense in denying it—I was done for. I'd sooner cut off my arm than refuse this beautiful girl the chance to feel alive, not after what she'd been through. And hell, knowing I was the one who made her feel that way made me feel unstoppable.

I'd said my piece, done what I said I would. I'd given her an easy out. Now it was time to take what was mine. “Good,” I said, tucking a strawberry strand of hair behind her ear. Honesty and vulnerability stared back at me, and God, she smelled incredible. “I like being the guy who makes you feel that way.”

Peyton's mouth fell open, eyebrows furrowed, and I almost laughed. Yeah, I was giving myself whiplash, too. Time for a new plan. I was more of an action guy, anyway.

Dragging my fingertips across the soft cotton of her shirt, I found the hollow of her spine and tugged her against me, swallowing her small gasp of surprise. When I began lowering my mouth, she stuttered, “I… I'm confused.”

I touched my forehead against hers. “And I'm yours.” Her hands left my shoulders and skimmed hesitantly over my back. “I mean it, Sunshine. You deserve better, but if you still want me even after knowing what a disaster I am, then I'm all in. I'm too selfish to walk away.” I leaned back. “But don't say I didn't warn you.”

The smile began in her eyes. Blue-gray glowed with an inner light, then the smooth skin around them crinkled. When I grinned in return, letting her know I was for real, that this was for real, the full force of it broke through. It was like watching a sunrise.

Peyton's grip around me tightened, her chest became flush with mine, and I chuckled when her cheeks turned light pink.

“Consider me warned,” she replied. Her smile was playful and sexy without trying to be, just like her, and I released an exhale of relief. Denying myself what I wanted sucked. No wonder I never did it.

I ducked my chin again, eager to taste the lips I'd been dreaming about for weeks…

“Ah!”

…and ended up grazing cheekbone.

Peyton flinched,
not
the reaction I was going for, and I loosened my hold on her hips.

“Uh, okay.” Frowning, I fought the impulse to laugh it off or make a joke. Instead, I said, “I'm sorry. Did I… read this wrong?”

This hadn't happened before. Usually, I was the one turning girls away, not the other way around. She shook her head vigorously and the pink of her cheeks flushed a bright red.

“No! No, no, no.” Peyton squeezed her eyes shut and laughed at herself, a strained sound that turned itself into a snort. Groaning, she dropped her head to my shoulder. “This is
all
me.”

She mock-sobbed, a strange reaction I found cute as hell, and I raised an eyebrow. “I'm just gonna say straight out that I have absolutely no idea what's happening here.” I dipped my fingers beneath her hair and kneaded the muscles that had turned to stone. “But hey, you're calling the shots here, all right? We don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You hear me?”

“But I
do
want to,” she insisted, or rather, I thought she insisted. Peyton's voice was muffled against my shoulder, so I nudged her chin up with my thumbs. She let out a sigh. “It's just that… well, it's the
first time
I've ever wanted to.”

Her eyes widened, imploring me to read between the lines, but the pink swipe of her tongue distracted me. Sue me, I'm a dude. But then, a few seconds longer than it should have, her words sank in, and I jerked back like I'd been electrocuted. “
Oh
.”

Not my smartest move.

Peyton winced and her head fell back against my chest, hiding her face, and if I could've kicked my own ass in that moment, I would have.

“Hey, listen.” Gently lifting her chin again, I bent my knees so I could look into her eyes. “I'm glad you haven't done this before.” She scoffed at this, and my smile grew smug. “No, I'm serious. I'm damn proud to be your first. You think I don't love knowing I beat out all the other dudes with their heads up their asses?”

“Ha, yeah, cause there was a real line forming, let me tell you.” Peyton rolled her eyes. She really had no clue how amazing she was.

“Maybe you didn't notice,” I said, sliding my thumb over
her lips. “But guys were watching. Trust me. How could anyone see this mouth and not go insane wanting a taste?”

Evidently, this was better. I was bound to say the right thing eventually.

Peyton's lashes lowered as a soft smile curved beneath the rough pad of my thumb. Something heavy moved inside my chest.

“Well, it's hard to be kissed when you're in and out of hospitals for a year,” she said, latching onto my wrists. “Before that, there were guys in my homeschool co-op, and I was around a bunch at rodeo events, but there's never been anyone I was really interested in.”

“Until me,” I clarified because I was an arrogant ass. Also because I wanted her to smile again. She didn't disappoint.

A musical laugh sprang free, her happy smile trailing behind, and I was in heaven. “Until you,” she agreed. She squinted one eye and added, “Though you should know, I'm probably gonna be really, really bad at it.”

The expression on her face said she honestly believed it, and I couldn't wait to prove her wrong. I leaned close to her ear and whispered across her skin, “That's impossible.”

Peyton's breath caught in a gasp, and I angled back to see her face.

That's when the moment changed.

Sounds of the emptying baseball field fell away. The cool air around us kindled. The soft smile on her face faded as she looked into my eyes, shifting her gaze between them to see what I'd do next. Part of me wondered the same thing.

I'd kissed dozens of girls before. Some I wanted, others purely because I was bored. But I'd never felt anything like this. Anticipation. Want. Fear. Unlike any other kiss I'd ever shared, this one needed to be epic. Girls remembered their first kiss for the rest of their lives, and I had to leave Peyton with something good to cling to later… when I inevitably screwed
everything up.

Gauging her reaction, I slowly lowered my head and watched her soft lips part. Adrenaline surged through my veins at the swipe of her tongue. She nodded once, silently giving me permission, then closed her eyes.

Inhaling the scent of sunflowers, I kissed her.

Soft and sweet
. Those two words defined this girl. She tasted like sugar and her sigh was addictive as I brushed her mouth with mine. Again and again. I couldn't get enough. Her hands clenched my wrists, tugging me closer. I could've lived in that moment forever.

My restless hands memorized the curve of Peyton's spine, the dip of her waist. Hers slid down my arms and around my back, fisting my shirt before slipping underneath. A jolt of electricity ran over my skin. When her nails raked down my spine, I jerked and groaned into her mouth. She was a fast learner.

I kissed the corners of her triumphant smile, licked the bow of her top lip, and nipped at the bottom one. She sighed again and sank in my arms, matching me kiss for kiss, playful tug for playful tug. And still, I needed more. I'd probably always need more.

Tilting my head for better access, I grazed her cheeks with my fingertips. Traced the seam of her mouth with my tongue, silently asking for what I wanted. Hoping like hell she'd open up. Her answer was one shy flick. The shiver reached my toes.

No girl had gotten to me like this. Burrowed under my skin, held my interest, or had me thinking about tomorrow. Wishing I could be that guy. I lost myself in the strawberry taste of Peyton's mouth, the sweet sounds in her throat, and I didn't fully emerge until hours later. When I did, it was with one thought circling my brain:

How long until I mess this up?

“It
drives me insane the way he stares at you.” Cade's voice is low, meant for my ears only, but that doesn't hide the edge of possession in his tone. And there's no need to ask who he is. “Shouldn't he be concerned with, oh, I don't know, the game he's in the middle of?”

“We're ahead by two runs,” I say, watching Drew's follow through and pretending not to feel Justin's gaze on my cheek. “Plus, Justin's ranked 25 in ESPN's top 100 high school players. He could hit off this guy in his sleep.”

Sometimes, I seriously need to think before I speak.

What Cade wants to hear right now is, “God, you're right, he's so annoying.” Or, “Who cares? Let him look. It's not like he's got a shot with me anyway.” Or even, “Justin could stare at me all day long and it wouldn't touch us at all. We're solid.”

What my current boyfriend definitely does
not
want to hear is a frigging fangirl report on my ex's stats. Normally, I'm much more accommodating. Today, my brain's just muddled.

Can you blame me? Between my epic fail at the ranch, the pressure on Dad for his team to win, the constant memories
of Justin, the tension with Cade (and not the romantic, sexy kind, either), finals, graduation, and college on the horizon—it's amazing I'm not checking myself into the looney bin.

A muscle in Cade's jaw flinches. “You were able to spit that out pretty quickly.”

I lift a shoulder and shrug but hold my tongue before anything else stupid can fall out.

The truth is, I've always been aware of Justin. It's never stopped. I know about his game, I see him in the cafeteria, and I sense when he's near me in the hall. Other than Cade, he's the only boy I've ever dated, so I always just assumed this behavior was normal. Sure, things are different with Cade—there's no itch under my skin, or desire to be around him constantly—but Justin was my first love. It made sense that my body reacted differently with him.

Only, why
don't
I feel that way with Cade? And why do I still feel it with Justin? One boy hurt me beyond repair, the other stitched me back up. Cade and I have been together for almost a year. There should be no confusion here. My heart shouldn't be so torn.

I steal another glance at the dugout and find Justin watching me again.

The sick pleasure I get from it warms my toes.

The problem is
this
Justin is so different from the boy I once knew. Well, in some ways he's different... in other ways, the best ways, he's exactly the same. He's still charming and easy to talk to. Crazy determined and driven. From the little I've seen and heard over the last few weeks, he's also still surprisingly introspective and protective. But there's a confidence there that wasn't before. Justin as a freshman was cocky and arrogant for sure, but this new self-confidence is quieter. Deeper. It's like he knows what he wants now and isn't trying to hide it.