The Mystery of the Mystery Meat (17 page)

“I am the dread lord of the undead. It was I who cut you down when your time came, was it not?”

“Yes, sir,” Horatio Snickering said humbly, dropping to his knees. “And I only came back here because things were in such disarray. I was about to finish up and come back, honest—”

“Silence!” Lord Grym-Reaper thundered. Horatio Snickering lowered his head, and Lord Grym-Reaper turned to Henrietta.

“What have you to say for yourself? Do you wish this to be your time?”

“Oh, please, Ms. Death…or should I say Mr. Death,” Henrietta began, making a deep, shaky curtsy. “I didn’t mean to cause any harm. I was just trying to make a living—”

“A living, out of the dead?” Lord Grym-Reaper shouted at her. “Out of Franklin Ripp, who is here with the permission of the Afterlife Commission, while your ancestor is not? How dare you!” He opened his hand. “Once I close this fist, your heart will stop beating.” He bent his fingers.

“Her bad lady, eat her eyeballs,” Pretty advised.

“Woodiwoodi,”
Scary-pterodactyl murmured fretfully, shutting his eyes so that he wouldn’t have to look.

“No!” Henrietta cried, raising her hands. “Please! I’ll do
anything! I’ll—I’ll confess!” she said, grabbing her chest.

His fingers were almost touching each other. “You’ll confess. And you will reveal the secret of Mystery Meat.”

“No, please,” Horatio Snickering III whispered, but he quickly shut his mouth and cast his gaze downward.

“Yes, if it will save my life,” Henrietta promised.

“She has a DVD that tells the whole story,” Freekin said, with both his arms around Lilly. Her head was on his chest and her hands were bright red. “Make her show it in public, at the school gym.”

“I’ll do it, I promise,” Henrietta said.

“Very well.” Lord Grym-Reaper opened his hand. “The only reason you are still alive at this moment is that you have not looked upon my true face.”

“Him so makeup,” Pretty said helpfully.

“Scary, descend, please,” Lord Grym-Reaper ordered.

Pretty, Freekin, and Scary searched the entire fermented fat factory for Viggo and Mortadella. But in all the hubbub, they had left the building—of that, the three were completely positive.

“Don’t worry about them,” Lord Grym-Reaper assured the friends. “I will find them when it’s time.”

“Oh, my poor baby!” Henrietta wailed.

Ignoring her, Lord Grym-Reaper turned to Pretty.
“Make a scene, my dear little monster friend.”

“Yes sirree, my dear!” Pretty screamed with glee.

While Pretty burned every single last brick of the fermented fat factory to the ground, Scary flew everyone else outside. They watched as the evil building went up in smoke, and Freekin knew it was only a matter of time before the Mystery Meat factory itself was gone, too.

Lilly put her head on Freekin’s head.

“It’s really over,” Lilly whispered, taking Freekin’s hand. “You ended it.” They turned to each other, smiling. They drew closer, closer…

Clink!

A piece of metal fell from a pile of ashes, startling everyone…and interrupting the kiss.

“Let’s go home,” Freekin said.

“Scary, please take us to the graveyard,” Lord Grym-Reaper told the little phantom. “And then it will be time for us to say farewell…for now.”

In the graveyard, Freekin faced Lord Grym-Reaper as the imperious being stood with a trembling Horatio Snickering III at his side. Pretty held Freekin’s hand very tight. Scary cooed beside him.

Lilly stood a distance away, hands in the pocket of her coat, trembling with cold and fear. It was as if
she had finally realized what had really happened, and Freekin hoped she wouldn’t be too afraid to hang out with him anymore.

Lord Grym-Reaper’s blazing gaze moved up, down, taking in the full measure of the undead boy before him. Then he did something he rarely did, for he was a dread lord indeed: He smiled.

“I’m impressed with you, Freekin. You’re a most entertaining lad. If things don’t work out here, it would be nice to see you come back home.”

Freekin swallowed. He didn’t especially want Lord Grym-Reaper to look forward to his return “home.” “Thanks,” he said.

“Pretty, you were wise to call for me. It was very brave of you. I will cloud Miss Weezbrock’s mind so that she forgets she ever saw me, Horatio Snickering III, and Scary. We three are things not meant for mortal eyes.”

“Yes sir,” she said. “Um, me so thanking you, hope you had a lovely time, come back soon.”

He laughed, a low, deep timbre that vibrated through the earth. Then he pointed his long arm at Lilly and snapped his fingers. Remaining upright, she closed her eyes.

“Come along, Horatio,” Lord Grym-Reaper said.

Horatio Snickering III took his place beside Lord Grym-Reaper.

Then they vanished. Just like that. No fanfare, no
poof
of otherworldly mist. They were just…gone.

Pretty, Freekin, and Scary stood for a moment in utter silence. Then they burst into whoops of joy.

“We did it, you guys!” Freekin cried. “We saved the town, and Lilly, and we solved the mystery of the Mystery Meat!” He cheered and threw up his hands over his head. Up they soared, up, up, high into the sky.

“High five! We so rocking!” Pretty screamed as she zoomed around in a circle.

“Zibu!”
Scary added, transforming into a catcher’s mitt and catching both of Freekin’s hands as the three of them plummeted to earth.

“We’re so rocking,” Freekin said, laughing, as he took back his hands and attached them onto his wrists. “All three of us, together. Pretty, Freekin, and Scary.”

Lilly’s eyes slowly opened. “Where am I?” she asked. “What happened?”

“Nothing much,” Freekin said, winking at Pretty—and Scary, who had changed back into a Welsh corgi.

Pretty burst into giggles and Scary bounded around her, barking with joy.

It was the night of the Nonspecific Winter Holiday Dance. Lilly’s dad had totally warmed up to Freekin after he found out that the “Dead Boy” saved his daughter’s life. He even paid for the dance tickets
and
the limousine. On the big night, Freekin and Lilly shared their limousine with Raven and Shadesse and Pretty and Tuberculosis. For Tuberculosis had indeed asked Pretty to the dance,
and what could she say? She already had a dress. Besides, he looked kind of cute in his all-black tuxedo.

Scary had disguised himself as some dead roses to circle Pretty’s ponytail ears. Tuberculosis had bought her a corsage of black roses—how cool was that?!—and told her that he liked the red velvet dead bunny head on her gown.

The two couples paused on the threshold of the dreamy gym, which was decorated with silver and blue question marks hanging from the ceiling. Lilly had worn a dark blue dress that matched her dark blue eyes.

“Geeeee,”
Scary whispered in Pretty’s hair, and the two Underworlders took a moment to reflect on their amazing adventures and good fortune. They had been best friends for thousands and millions of years, and here they were together, in a beautiful waking dream.

Henrietta Snickering had already been tried for Evil and found guilty of shipping off the Curious citizens of Snickering Willows to the fermented fat factory for generations. She was sentenced to life in prison, and the revolting recipe for Mystery Meat was published in the
Daily Snicker
and broadcast on TV. The hideous secret of the Snickerings was a secret no longer.

Her lackeys—Ms. Balonee, Mr. Spew, and Mr. Flatterwonder—were in prison, and the mayor and the
police chief were awaiting trial. The law against Curiosity was declared null and void, and there was dancing in the streets. Naturally, all those arrested for Curiosity were let go, and Curiosity seminars and classes sprang up all over town.

Viggo and Mortadella stayed gone, although there were rumors of a crazed dog arfing and yipping as she chased a hunchbacked man over the quivering moors of Snorting Cypresses, the next town over.

Freekin was declared the hero of the hour and the savior of Snickering Willows, and as he and Lilly led the way into the dance, all the students turned and began to applaud. Everyone was wearing a button that read, ?
GENERATION RULES!

“Here he is, Freekin Ripp!” called Mr. Karloff, the football coach, from the little stage where the DJ was set up.

“Freekin! Freekin!” the kids and teachers shouted. They clapped and stomped their feet. Steve, Hal, and Otter waved. Sam, Brian, and Jessie said, “Woo woo woo!” in the way of jocks. Janeece and Molly blew kisses at Lilly.

Freekin turned to Pretty and Scary. “Thanks again, you guys,” he murmured. “You’re the best friends I could ever hope to have.”

The word
friends
hurt Pretty’s feelings a little, because she still wanted to be Freekin’s
girl
friend. There was a big difference. But she had agreed to do anything she could to save her Freekin, and if that meant letting Yucky Lilly have him, she would.

For now, anyway.

“Us good friends,” she agreed. “Best friends!”

“Zibu,”
Scary whispered softly, giving her a knowing little smile. She smiled back.

Then Pretty hugged Lilly and took Tuberculosis’s hand. “We so dancing,” she told him. “La la la!”