The Ministry of SUITs (31 page)

Trudy landed on her hands and pushed back. Flipping over the final guard's head, she sailed over him and caught his neck between her ankles. Using her speed, she continued diving forward and flipped the guard over, catapulting him into the ceiling. He seemed to stick there for a brief second before crashing to the ground. Trudy landed on her feet, nimble as a fox.

Jack had followed her down through the changing room. Although he had been moving faster than he ever had before, he still arrived a few seconds after Trudy had finished with the guards. He reached out and caught the coffee cup the guard had dropped before it hit the ground.

“I saved the coffee cup,” said Jack, trying to pretend that his contribution had been important.

Trudy punched him in the shoulder playfully. Jack dropped the coffee cup and it shattered on the ground.

“I'm not cleaning that up,” said Jack.

Trudy pressed the button on the globe and the tunnel to the cavern opened up. The passageway was empty.

“I was sort of expecting some kind of horrible boss monster that we'd have to battle.”

“I'm pretty sure that's coming,” said Trudy. “It's probably just farther along the tunnel.”

“Let's not keep it waiting. I can handle a horribly murderous monster, but I'd hate it if we also made it impatient.”

MINISTRY
OF
S.U.I.T.S
HANDBOOK

GOLDFISH

T
WO-
S
ECOND
M
EMORIES

It has been claimed that goldfish only have two-second memories. Which explains why if you have a goldfish it'll almost certainly not remember to get you a birthday present.

It also means that goldfish are generally considered the most pleasant tempered of all living creatures as they don't have enough recall to bear a grudge. If you flush a goldfish down the toilet and then accidentally bump into it at a cocktail party ten years later, it won't have a clue who you are and will be interested in your name, job, and what hobbies you have.

If you meet the baby alligator you flushed down the toilet at a cocktail party ten years later, it will have chewed off your left leg before you can tell it that you are called Stephen and you work as an accountant.

 

47

ESCAPE

 

Trudy and Jack had reached the cliff edge that overlooked the cavern. Beneath them, they could see the kidnapped children still working, using mechanical diggers to shift more and more soil. It looked as if they had nearly finished.

“They can't have much more work to do.”

Jack unrolled the rope ladder and they both clambered down.

They were surprised to find David waiting for them at the bottom. Jack counted his friend's arms and legs and was relieved to find them all in place, although the dotted lines remained.

“You're okay!” exclaimed Jack.

Trudy explained the plan to David. “We've got to get everyone out of here before any giant moles show up. Do you think the kids with hooks for hands will be able to climb the ladder?”

David nodded. “I think so. The ones with peg legs might struggle a bit, but we can help them.”

“Okay, you start gathering them up. We'll guard the bottom of the ladder. Get everyone out and then get out yourself.”

David nodded and then sprinted across the enormous mine toward groups of kids. He spoke to them briefly and then pointed toward where Jack and Trudy stood. Some of the kids ran toward the ladder, but others spread out and began telling other kids of the route to freedom.

“If one kid tells two kids, and they each tell two kids…” Jack thought to himself that the plan might actually work.

The first batch of prisoners had arrived with Jack and Trudy and started streaming up the ladder to freedom. Of course not all of the prisoners were children. As Trudy had figured out, the digging had been going on for decades and some of the prisoners had been held captive for thirty or more years.

Jack imagined what it would have been like to live your life underground, in the dark, with no hope of escape. He realized that if he had not joined the Ministry, a similar fate might have awaited David.

“Mr. Teach has to pay,” Jack said.

“Agreed,” said Trudy. “And we may get to make him pay sooner than we thought.”

“What do you mean?” asked Jack.

Trudy pointed into the distance. Mr. Teach was strolling toward them, flanked by eight of the largest pirates Jack had ever seen. Suddenly Jack realized he recognized one of the pirates, who was carrying a chalkboard! So his P.E. teacher Mr. Rackham hadn't lost his hand in a vicious rugby scrum. Like Mr. Teach himself, Rackham must have been descended from a pirate.
86

Trudy and Jack walked toward Mr. Teach. They didn't want him to get near the rope ladder. It was vital that it was protected so the prisoners could continue escaping.

“Well, if it isn't my little friends from the Ministry,” said Mr. Teach.

“We aren't scared of you, Teach,” snapped Trudy.

“Please, call me Blackbeard,” said Mr. Teach as he stroked his chin.

“Blackbeard Junior, maybe,” laughed Jack.

“Enough!” shouted Mr. Teach/Blackbeard Junior. “You have interfered with my plans. I will turn Northern Ireland into the world's biggest pirate ship no matter what you try and do to stop me.”

“Why not the whole of Ireland?” asked Trudy, who was slightly curious about this.

Blackbeard Junior pulled a face. “With fuel costs as high as they are at the moment? Do you have any idea how much power you need to drive a landmass the size of this? Anyway, if I took the whole island there would be an international uproar. If I just take the north part of the island, it'll probably be a few weeks before anyone even notices.”

“That's harsh,” said Jack, thinking that it was harsh … but also fair. People generally didn't know where Northern Ireland was on a map. Therefore, they wouldn't notice if someone moved it to a different place altogether.

“Eight pirates won't be enough to stop us,” Trudy sneered.

“I don't intend for eight pirates to stop you, young lady. You see, I have more than a hook up my sleeve. Jack, you'll remember I mentioned my enforcer?”

Blackbeard Junior lifted a finger and pointed behind Jack and Trudy.

MINISTRY
OF
S.U.I.T.S
HANDBOOK

USEFULNESS OF P.E. LESSONS

R
OPE
C
LIMBING

It is generally accepted that P.E. lessons are of limited use in real life. However, probably the most useless part of any P.E. lesson is being made to climb up a rope.

In real life you will almost certainly never have to climb a rope. Unless, of course, you are kidnapped and kept at the bottom of an enormous cavern, where a rope ladder is your only means of escape.

*   *   *

However, it is essential to stress that this is very, very unlikely to happen.

 

48

STEAM POWER

 

It took Jack some time to figure out exactly what he was looking at. And then everything fell into place at once. The missing dinosaur bones that the old woman had stolen from the museum, the boiler that had been removed from the school …

He was looking at the world's first ever steam-powered bone dinosaur. Blackbeard Junior's smile broadened in an annoying way.

The enforcer stood perhaps thirty feet tall and wasn't made up from the bones of any single dinosaur. Dozens of differing white bones had clearly been wired together to create the monstrosity. It had the back legs, thighs, and body of a
Tyrannosaurus rex
. Instead of the small front
Tyrannosaurus
paws it had a pair of long, thin legs that allowed it to walk forward on all fours or rear up in the air. Its neck was that of a
Diplodocus
, thirty feet long and articulated so it could lash its head backward and forward. Its head was that of a
Triceratops
with a bony collar and a large horn sticking out of the end of its nose. To top it all, it had a long, armored tail that ended in a knobby ball. It smashed this down intermittently, leaving a series of holes across the ground.

Inside the rib cage of the bone dinosaur was the large metal boiler that had previously been inside the school. It operated the bone dinosaur's movements through a series of levers and pistons. The boiler glowed red-hot and belched oily smoke.

It was the last piece of the puzzle. Jack knew why everything had happened now. He felt oddly satisfied and terrified at the same time.

“Are we fast enough to fight a steam dinosaur?” asked Jack.

“Fast doesn't come into it,” said Trudy. “It's made of solid dinosaur bone and metal. If we hit it, we're likely to fracture our fists. We've got to figure out what its weakness is.”

Jack looked behind him to where the rope ladder hung. It seemed as if most of the children had escaped.

“You might beat us, Blackbeard Junior, but the children have gotten away.”

Blackbeard Junior chuckled. “Doesn't matter. The digging is finished. I have control of the turbines that will sail this island wherever I want. When those children with hooks for hands see how powerful I am they'll realize that being a pirate is better than being a passenger.”

“And what about the people who aren't pirates?” Trudy spat at him. “They'll fight you.”

“Oh, really? Let's just see what happens when I sail us to the North Pole and leave us there for a few years. Or maybe I'll sail us into the middle of a hurricane. People will obey me, or they will face the consequences.”

Jack was beginning to realize that Blackbeard Junior was so insane that his plan might work.

“And if anyone tries to attack me, they'll have to face my steam dinosaur. You also need to keep in mind that we'll be sailing the seven seas. No one will be able to find this small country—so there'll be no help from the outside world.”

Trudy turned to Jack. “If your plan is working, Grey should be here by now.”

Jack glanced at his watch. “We don't know how accurate those maps were. It might take him a little longer than we thought. You reckon we can hold off a bone dinosaur for five minutes?”

“I reckon I can avoid a fatal squashing from a steam-powered bone dinosaur for five minutes,” Trudy said with a smile.

They took up elaborate battle stances with their arms outstretched and fists clenched.

“Do you know karate?” Jack whispered to Trudy.

“No,” Trudy whispered back.

“Then why are we standing like this?”

“I have no idea.”

The steam dinosaur crashed forward onto all four legs and swung its neck and head at the pair, trying to knock them over. Like an Olympic athlete Trudy twisted and performed an effortless high jump, clearing the neck vertebrae of the steam dinosaur.

Jack was a second behind Trudy and knew that he wouldn't clear the obstacle as easily. Instead he ducked and slid through the dirt, missing the
Triceratops
collar by mere inches. The dinosaur reared onto its back legs and lashed out at Jack with a bony foreleg. The sheer size of the dinosaur leg caught him and sent him hurtling across the room.

Jack crunched into a soil wall and fell to the ground. He was conscious, but barely. He watched across the room, knowing that if they were going to survive, Trudy was going to have to save the day.

The steam dinosaur aimed a second leg at Trudy. As the leg swung she leapt onto it and grabbed it with both hands. The steam dinosaur seemed to be confused, as Trudy hadn't gone sailing through the air like Jack had. Using the dinosaur's momentary hesitation, Trudy clambered up the leg and swung herself onto the rib cage.

The dinosaur used its long, articulated neck to turn its head and look at its own rib cage. Trudy dangled on the outside, holding on to a large rib bone with a single hand. The dinosaur's head swayed on the neck and then lunged toward her. Trudy scrambled up, using the rib cage as a ladder. She only just avoided getting impaled by the enormous nose horn as it tore a shred off her shirtsleeve.

Trudy's hand slipped inside the rib cage and touched the red-hot steam boiler that was powering the bony monstrosity. She swung backward, barely hanging on with her one unburnt hand.

“Why don't you give up?” shouted Blackbeard Junior. “He'll get you sooner or later.”

The dinosaur lunged toward Trudy again with its long bony
Triceratops
horn.

“Watch out!” croaked Jack. He summoned all his strength, stood up, and started to run toward Trudy and the dinosaur.

Trudy caught sight of Jack running. “Run the other way, Jack—I've had an idea!”

Jack was confused. What kind of idea had Trudy had that would necessitate his running away? And anyway, how could she possibly have an idea that would defeat the steam dinosaur—that would take an explosion!

Luckily, although neither Jack nor Trudy had brought anything that would explode with them, the steam dinosaur had …

Trudy was still hanging on to the rib cage of the steam dinosaur as it turned its head. The dinosaur used its incredibly flexible neck to attempt to impale Trudy on its horn.

The horn was less than a foot away from Trudy's body when she deliberately let go of the rib cage. She fell fifteen feet straight down, but more importantly, the steam dinosaur's horn kept moving straight on, through its own rib cage, puncturing the boiler inside.

There was a massive
CARUMPH
87
and the boiler exploded in a blaze of oil, smoke, and fire.

Literally a few seconds after Jack had been running toward the steam dinosaur he found himself being blown away from it. He choked on smoke, and the heat of the flames on his face caused him to scramble blindly backward. First he was deafened by the roar of the burning air; then he heard a sound like a thousand xylophones being dropped from a helicopter. Fragments of bone were falling on the ground around him. The steam dinosaur had been destroyed. It had been more than destroyed—it had been blown into a thousand tiny fractures.