The Memories of Ana Calderón (12 page)

My pregnancy was becoming more apparent, and I had to wear baggy dresses and sweaters so that no one could see how my body was changing. I couldn't be like Tavo, who decided to be a clown. Instead, sadness was devouring me and it became deeper each day because I knew that sooner or later my father would notice my growing belly. On that day, I was positive, all the anger and bitterness against me which he had kept trapped in his heart would overflow.

It was cold and windy on the Sunday morning of Ana's turn to make breakfast, and everyone was still asleep. She had been unable to sleep that night, so when the first glimmer of gray light broke through the shade in her room, Ana left the bed that she shared with Rosalva. She dressed quietly, making sure to slip on the oversized sweater that she now wore constantly.

When she went into the kitchen she was startled by Rodolfo, who was sitting at the table staring out the window. Through it he could catch sight of the alley that bordered their back yard. Nothing was moving out there; everyone in the barrio was asleep. He seemed not to notice when Ana came into the kitchen. She deliberately clanked the coffee can against the sink.

“Buenos días
, 'Apá.”

Rodolfo remained unmoving and silent. He sat erect, poised, as if waiting for something. Ana noticed this, and,
sensing that she was to be the target, began to retreat. She was about to back out of the kitchen when he bolted out of the chair, noisily knocking it over. As he lunged, Rodolfo grabbed her wrist with one hand, and with the other he took hold of the hem of her sweater. He pulled it up around her neck with a yank, then he planted the outstretched palm of his hand on her belly.

Rodolfo's face was a mask, and his eyes slanted more than ever. Ana was overcome by fear. She tried to pry her wrist out of her father's grip, but couldn't because his hand was like an iron vise that squeezed and wrenched the bones of her hand. A moan escaped her.

“¡Cabrona!”

Rodolfo hissed the word through stiffened lips. Taking her shoulders with both hands, he slammed her against the stove. A half-filled pan fell onto the floor, splashing its contents, clanging and bouncing against the wall. Ana tried to escape, but a sudden blow to the side of her face threw her against the table, which screeched under her weight. Stunned, she groped with her arms in an attempt to find a way out, but just as her hands landed on the door jamb, her father's fist caught her at the back of the head. The force of the rabbit punch sent her skidding headlong against the door leading to the front yard.

“
¡Hija de la chingada!
Leave my house! Pig!”

Ana had not screamed or made noise during her father's attack, but the metallic clashing of falling pots and the crashing sounds of overturning chairs pulled everyone out of bed. Alejandra, in her nightgown, stood at the bedroom door, her hair disheveled and her eyes blinking as she tried to make out what was happening. Behind her crowded the startled faces of the other girls. From the service porch on the other side of the kitchen, Octavio and César scrambled out. Both were still in their shorts.

It was César who reacted. Realizing what was happening to Ana, he lunged forward and screamed, “No! No! 'Apá, please stop!” Without thinking, César tried to intervene, and even though he stood barely above his father's waist, he was able to intercept the next blow. But Rodolfo was blind with rage and taking the boy by the jaw lifted him off the floor, smashing him against the wall. César was knocked out by the impact and he flopped inertly onto the floor.

His intervention, however, had given Ana the few seconds she needed to make an escape out the front door. Stumbling over the rickety porch steps, she made it outside. Rodolfo was enraged. He unbuckled his heavy leather belt, sliding it off his waist with one pull. He wrapped one end of it around his wrist leaving the metal buckle dangling. Then he went after Ana, catching her just before she could open the wire gate leading out to the street.

He took her again by the wrist, and he held her at arm's length as he beat her. The belt whizzed through the gray morning air, striking Ana's body each time with a dull thud. He aimed at her face, but she was able to twist and turn so that sometimes the blows fell on her shoulders, others on her breasts, and yet others on her buttocks. She was mute; only involuntary groans escaped her, and her silence provoked and infuriated Rodolfo even more. When her legs could no longer support her, she fell to her knees while her father continued to lash her, this time striking even her face.

By this time, the other girls had run out the door and onto the porch. Except for Alejandra, they were crying out hysterically, screaming to their father to stop. Octavio had also come outside; his face had turned the color of ashes, but he did not move or utter a sound. Rodolfo kept up the barrage, whipping his daughter as he screamed.

“Who is the father, whore? Tell me who is the bastard, so I can kill him the way I'm killing you!”

Rodolfo kicked Ana with all the force of his leg. He had aimed at her stomach, but she contorted her body, and when his foot landed instead on the small of her back, her mouth opened wide, letting out a groan.

The girls' howling brought frightened neighbors to the Calderón house. The first was Reyes Soto. When he realized what was happening, he crashed through the gate in an attempt to take hold of Rodolfo's arms, but his strength was not enough. As he struggled to intercept the belt, Reyes received several stinging lashes. Twisting his head, he yelled at Octavio, “You son of a bitch! Come! Come! Help me!” But when he saw that Octavio was not going to help, he kept shouting until other men came running to help him.

Octavio was paralyzed with fear, and he stayed nailed to the porch while the other men assisted Reyes. They were finally able to disarm Rodolfo by wrenching his swinging
arms behind his back. They knocked him off his feet, but even though he was face down, he kicked at them and resisted by contorting his body, wiggling as he bellowed obscenities and curses.

When Ana, dazed and close to losing consciousness, realized that the attack had ended, she was crawling on the dirt. She was disoriented and crept about in circles. She couldn't stand up, or see anything to hold onto for balance. Her clothes were in tatters, as if she had been attacked with scissors, and her face was a mass of cuts, as were her arms and hands. She cupped her hands to her face as she coughed through her fingers, and she saw that the dribbling saliva was filled with blood and mud.

It took two of the neighbor women to slowly move her first onto her haunches and then, with their help, up to their shoulders so that they could lift her off the ground. Her last recollection before fainting was seeing Octavio, still standing on the porch. His face blurred until it disappeared.

I regained consciousness when Reyes, with the help of several men and women, took me to his house. Once there, however, he realized that it would be the first place that 'Apá would come looking for me. Everyone had heard him vow to find and kill me. The Soto house filled with neighbors, each one wanting to help, but everyone, I'm sure, was secretly afraid of my father.

No one could think of what to do to help me until Doña Hiroko Ogawa made herself understood. She was a Japanese woman, the owner of the grocery store across the street on Floral Drive. No one in the barrio could pronounce her last name, so she was known only as Doña Hiroko. Like the rest of the grown-ups, she hardly spoke English, but when Doña Hiroko understood the problem, she let Reyes know that they could take me to her home. She was the only one brave enough, and, nodding her head in insistence, she showed them the way.

When I was taken to her home, her voice was the only thing I could make out, and I sensed the pity that she was feeling
for me. I was frightened and confused, and I wanted to run, but my body was crushed; every part of me was hurting. I wanted to speak, but my lips were so swollen that speaking was impossible. I wanted to see, but my eyes were puffed up and shut tightly.

Doña Hiroko removed the tatters that clung to my body and she bathed me. I abandoned myself to her gentle hands, and while she washed the cuts and bruises, she spoke to me. I didn't know most of her words, but I understood their meaning. I realized that she was telling me that I had to be brave because now it was me and my child, and that we were alone.

I listened to the soft tone of her words, some in her language, some in mine. In my heart, however, I was thinking of Tavo, and that I hated him for his cowardice. He had stood by while my father tried to kill me, and he had not screamed out the truth about our baby. As Doña Hiroko spoke, I wondered if he, too, thought that I had poisoned my mother's womb, and that perhaps he was afraid of having a baby with me. There was no way I could say this to Doña Hiroko because I was incapable of saying it to anyone. The words kept repeating in my head, even though I tried to silence them in the days that followed.

I lost my job at the shoe factory, but the women of the barrio brought Doña Hiroko food and clothing for my keep. They visited me, chatted with me and tried to make me think that nothing important had happened. But something had occurred because my life had changed.

One evening Doña Carmelita and Doña Trini came to visit me. Because I was lying very still, they thought that I was asleep, but I heard them whispering.

“Doña Trini, something terrible has happened. I was still in the yard when I heard Señor Calderón raging.”

I couldn't hear her very well, so I moved my head and ears in the direction where the women were whispering. I heard the rest of what Doña Carmelita was saying.

“He raised his clenched fist and cursed Ana and her unborn child! He swore that only wretchedness and tragedy would fill their empty lives. He commanded Heaven to fulfill his curse in his name. I have never in my life witnessed such a terrible thing!”

“A curse! No! Doña Carmelita, you must be wrong. Say that you didn't hear such wretched words!”

“As God is my witness, I heard Señor Calderón condemn his own flesh and blood.”

“Don't let her know what you've just told me
.”

“She must know! Ana must beg her father's forgiveness if she is to rid herself of the evil that will surely follow her and her child for the rest of their lives.”

Their words stunned me. Had my father really cursed me and my baby? What would happen to us? I wasn't able to sleep most of that night, thinking of the evil my father had wished on me, but when I did fall asleep I dreamed of the penitent woman. Again she told me that I would commit a grievous sin, just as she had.