The Mechanics of Being Human (5 page)

The next morning, Fawn rolled onto her side, trying to chase away the memory of the shocked expression on Gavin's face when her mom told him and Remy what happened. With a groan, she buried her head in her pillows. She knew Gavin wasn't going to want anything to do with her anymore, not after what she'd done. The idea upset her a lot, though she wasn't sure why. She should have been more depressed about not being able to see Felicity anymore, as she was her first friend in this new and strange world.

Fawn struggled out of bed and studied her closet. Lines of used clothes hung on copper hangers. She pulled out a pair of jeans and a bright blue t-shirt. After she pulled the clothes on, she headed to the bathroom to brush her hair. The sound of voices stopped her. Her dad was talking to a second man she didn't know. With a frown, she crept down the hallway and stopped at the threshold of the living room. When her dad saw her, his face lit up like everything was normal.

"Fawn, I'm glad you're up." Her dad stood up and held out his arm to her. "I was just going to have your mom wake you. This is a friend of mine, Peter Dungam. He works for the school board. We want to get you back to school. Don't want your education to suffer just because of a little incident."

Her dad winked at her as Fawn stared at the man in confusion. Mr. Dungam was four feet tall at most. When he approached her, he only came up to her chest. He had a bald spot, a round, soft belly, and a pair of square glasses. He was her tall, thin dad's polar opposite and reminded of her an accordion scrunched down.

"Hello, Mr. Dungam." Fawn shook his plump, soft hand.

"Good morning, Fawn." Mr. Dungam beamed at her. "Sorry to bother you on a Saturday morning. Your dad promised me a game of golf today if we got this over with fast."

"Over with?" Fawn raised an eyebrow. "I'm afraid I don't understand what's going on."

"Fawn, Peter wants to begin some testing procedures to see what grade level you're at after you lost your memory," her dad explained.

Though her mom mentioned she wouldn't be going to public school, her stomach hopped with excitement. Maybe her parents changed their minds. "I'm going back to school?"

Her dad's jaw tensed in worry. For a moment, he didn't say anything. The sound of a bedroom door squeaking drew Fawn's attention away from the situation for a moment. Her mom padded down the hallway and came into the room dressed in a green floral dress. She hovered at the threshold. Her dad's eyes flickered toward her for a moment before he focused on Fawn again.

"So I'm not going back to school?" Both Fawn's face and gut plummeted in disappointment, yet she was a little relieved at the same time. School was a foreign place to her.

"I thought—" Her dad glanced at her mom. "No,
we
thought, it would be best if we home-schooled you for a while, at least until you get the hang of things. I thought your mom mentioned that to you."

Though Fawn wanted to argue, she didn't say a word. She couldn't. Not after what she'd put her parents through last night. Also, as much as the idea of being out of the apartment and around kids her own age intrigued her, it frightened her too.

"I understand." Fawn frowned at her hands.

"Good." Her dad's eyes glistened with relief. "Peter, what comes next?"

"Tuesday we'll bring her over to Maple Falls High School. We'll get her a proctor and some test papers." Mr. Dungam beamed at her.

Tests. I have to take tests.
The dark wall between her and her memories became a crushing force. How could she be expected to take tests when she didn't remember anything? It would be like trying to pull answers from a black hole.

"Are you all right?" Her mom finally left the wall and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Honey?"

Fawn forced a smile on her face. "I'm fine. Just fine."

"Good. Now the introductions are taken care of—" Mr. Dungam faked a golf swing."—let's go hit some balls, Oliver."

****

The bench where Fawn had first met Felicity was her favorite spot. Today, though, no children played on the playground and it was just her and nature. Half of her liked it, yet half of her wished the kids were back so she could have a distraction. She drew her knees up to her chin and sighed at the thought of the tests she was being forced to take on Tuesday. The idea made her want to run away and never come back.

As she stared ahead, she heard shuffling feet behind her but didn't look to see who it was. Probably a stranger. A moment later, though, someone plopped down beside her. She caught the smell of familiar sweet but musky cologne and gasped in surprise. Gavin.

"You okay there, neighbor?" Gavin asked, spreading himself out on the bench. His body was so tall his legs could stretch for miles. "I was heading to the vending machine to get a soda when I saw this lonely person looking depressed."

Fawn glanced at him, frowning "I never got the opportunity to tell you how sorry I was about letting you down."

"Ah, the girls are okay." Gavin waved at the air. "It gave them an adventure. My aunt and I just felt bad we forced you into babysitting. We didn't know you were ill. Don't tell me that's why you're sitting out here all depressed?"

For a moment, she hesitated. She still wasn't sure what to say to Gavin. Could she trust him? He seemed like a nice person. She definitely liked him. Even his family was wonderful. The problem was she didn't know him.
But can't you use another friend?
She stole a look at Gavin's messy hair and broad grin and realized she could always use another friend.

"I can't go to school." Fawn sighed and leaned back. "I understand why my parents are keeping me from going, but I get lonely at home. My mom is great. So is my dad. I just…I don't know…feel like I'm missing something."

Gavin stared at her, frowning. She was glad he didn't laugh. A part of her wondered whether he just might.

"Do they not want you to go to school because you can't eat?" Gavin asked. "Do they think you'll get teased or something?"

"No." Fawn shook her head. "I can't remember anything. I didn't even know my own name."

Crashing waves of silence came as Gavin stared at her. His mouth dropped open in shock.

"You don't remember anything?" he asked. "How did that happen?"

She opened and shut her mouth several times. It was hard to find a place to begin a story when the novel of her life had started in the middle. Still she'd to do the best she could.

With a shaky sigh, Fawn told Gavin everything. She told him about waking up in her house in the middle of a fiery inferno, about Jax and loving him so much from the moment she laid eyes on him and about her life now and about being confused. By the time she was done talking, it was like she'd passed along her negative feelings along with her words.

"Wow." Gavin spoke for the first time since she began her story. "Double wow. And here I was flipping out because my aunt broke her leg."

She sighed and he jostled her shoulder to comfort her. The warmth of his palm on her shirt was pleasant.

"Hey, don't get depressed again." Gavin didn't let go of her. She gazed into his bright eyes and felt comforted. "There isn't anything wrong with starting over, you know. I did it too, and it's the best thing that ever happened to me."

"You?" Fawn raised an eyebrow. "You also lost your memory?"

"No, no, no." Gavin waved his hand around wildly. "Nothing like that. But there is a reason why I live with my aunt and not my mom, you know."

She wondered why he lived with his aunt, but she didn't ask him about it. Doing so felt like an invasion of privacy. She assumed his parents were dead.

"So your parents aren't…gone?" Fawn asked.

"Well, I don't know where they are, but they aren't dead. A lot of kids at school thought my mom and dad abandoned me when I was a baby. They didn't do that either." Turning in his seat, he stared out at the playground with glazed eyes. "My parents used to live in Philadelphia. My mom worked as a…well…exotic dancer and my dad didn't do much of anything except lay around. Half of the time when I was home, I'm not sure my dad even realized I was in the room. My mom was oftentimes so exhausted from her job she slept through the times when I was awake. Naturally, I got into some trouble. A kid shouldn't be unsupervised."

"You?" Fawn studied his kind smile and sparkling eyes. A puppy had more potential to make trouble.

"Oh, yeah. I was
bad
." Gavin frowned. "By the time I was twelve, I was hanging out with all of the wrong people. I realize it now but I didn't know it then. I was smoking pot, stealing from cars, cutting class for no reason other than the fact I wanted to. Nobody could control me. My dad didn't care and my mom's head was buried in the sand. When my aunt, Remy, came to visit, she took one look at me and forced my mom to see what was happening. She said I was going to end up just like my dad. Remy wanted to bring me here to straighten me out and my mom let her."

As she stared at Gavin's face, she saw such immense sadness brimming in his eyes she realized that maybe forgetting the past was not always a bad thing. Maybe he wished he could start over with a blank slate. She'd never before thought of her empty mind in a positive way; that maybe it was a blessing and not a curse to begin anew.

"So how did she get you to leave?" Fawn asked. "It sounds like you were strong-willed."

"I was so pissed my mom agreed to send me away that I was willing to leave out of spite. I told her I hated her and was never coming back." Gavin chuckled, but his eyes were brimming with tears. "I came here and Remy—good grief, she can be so intense—got me into shape. She watched my every move at first. For the first time, I felt wanted. And I came to realize maybe my mom sent me away not because she didn't love me, but because she did."

"And the two of you made up?" Fawn asked hopefully.

"Guess not every story has a completely happy ending." Gavin placed his elbows on his knees and blew out another sigh. "Remy tried to call my mom after I calmed down some. The number was disconnected. My mom and dad moved without telling her sister or me. I don't know why. I keep hoping she's happy somewhere, that she quit her job as a stripper. I keep hoping my dad woke up from whatever world he's in and makes my mom happy like she deserves."

The only sound outside was the sound of crickets. It was Fawn's turn to reach for Gavin's shoulder. When she held onto him, he smiled at her. A spark of electricity traveled through her limbs. She questioned how one human could cause her to feel so much.

"I'm sorry, Gavin." Fawn frowned at him. "I'm so sorry. You're still young. Maybe your mom and dad will come back to you someday."

"Maybe." Gavin shrugged. "But you can't tell anyone this, okay? Not even my friends at school know about that. I told them I moved because I didn't like Pennsylvania. That's not true at all. I loved it there."

"If you didn't tell them, then why did you tell me?" Fawn cocked her head. "We just met."

"Yeah." A big grin crossed Gavin's face. A real one that met his eyes. "We did. But I feel like I can trust you, and…"

"And?" Fawn raised an eyebrow.

"And you're hurting too." The smile slipped from Gavin's face. "I think a lot of people my age have normal lives, you know. They have parents, siblings, and pets. The biggest question they have to face every day is what shirt they're going to wear in the morning or how they can manage to talk to the person they like. None of them have to worry about their parents or the rent money or anything else."

"I'm glad you told me." Fawn gazed at her fingers. "It makes me feel less alone."

He tugged at a golden strand of her hair. "You're not alone, Fawn. Your mom and dad watch out for you like Remy does for me. She drives me crazy sometimes with her orders and strict rules, but I think the more somebody looks out for you, the more they care. And I wouldn't be in such a hurry to get to high school. I know it looks great on TV, but in reality, it can be the loneliest place in the whole world."

"How old are you again?" Fawn laughed.

"Oh. You know. A hundred or so." Gavin winked at her. "I'm a vampire. That's how I know so much. Yeah, you can fall in love with me now."

With a laugh, she punched his arm and he smirked at her.

"Speaking of being controlled in the name of love, it's getting close to bedtime for the girls and Remy will blow her top if I'm not there to read Felicity her bedtime story," he said. "I better get back. You want to walk with me? I might need some protection. There are some pretty big thugs out here at night."

"Is that your way of telling me you're worried about me being out here by myself?" Fawn raised an eyebrow at him.

"Well, that too." Gavin rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm about as subtle as an axe, huh?"

"Just about." She hopped to her feet. "But yeah, I better get back too. My mom is probably worried about me."

Darkness swarmed Fawn. She blinked, trying to get her bearings straight, as she sat up and glanced around. She peered at the clock. It said it was four a.m. It took her a minute to understand why she woke up. There was the sound of muffled voices at the end of the hall. In confusion, she struggled out of her bed, opened her door, and stepped out into the hall. She crept toward the sound, then hid along the wall, unsure of whether she would be in trouble for sneaking around so late at night.

"She's doing fine," her dad said. "You shouldn't be here, Jax. You could get into trouble."

"I just want to look at her," said Jax. Fawn gasped then covered her mouth to forbid any more noise. She wanted to hear what was going on before she stepped into the living room to show herself. As much as she loved her dad, she felt he wasn't being truthful about her accident. Wouldn't a parent have shown more concern she'd lost her memory? She thought so.

"You can't, Jax." Her dad sounded exasperated. "You put her here to protect her, didn't you?"

"Yes, but obviously it wasn't wise of me to put her here." Jax's voice was malicious. "You let her eat, didn't you? You should have been watching her."

"Jax, we can't watch her
all the time
." Feet paced. Probably her dad's. "We're doing the best as we can with her. She's adjusting well. You don't have to worry about her."

"Don't have to worry about her?" Jax sounded exasperated now too. "She's special to me."

"Jax, she
is not
your daughter." Her dad's voice was as gruff as a sander. "Don't pretend she is. I know why she's here. She's here because you wanted to replace the kid you lost with someone new. And now you've screwed up. It's just like when we were kids. You were the brilliant one who always got into trouble and I always had to mop up your mess."

"You're getting paid for my mess this time, aren't you?" Jax said acidly. "And it seems to me I'm not the only one who has made
messes
lately, am I?"

Silence fell between them. Fawn pressed her hand to her chest as she tried to figure out their conversation. Nothing made sense. It was like somebody tossed together the pieces of two different puzzles and asked her to make something understandable out of the chaos. As she wrung her hands, she heard the sound of a door squeak behind her. She glanced up, horrified, and saw her mom step out into the hallway.

"F, Fawn," her mom stammered. "What are you doing up?"

Two gasps came from the living room. Her dad stomped into the hallway and then stilled when he saw Fawn was pressed to the wall. Jax walked over too, but unlike her dad, he smirked proudly. She was torn between horror she'd been caught before she could reveal herself in her own time and confusion because of Jax's expression.

"What were you doing, Fawn?" Her dad pulled her into the living room by her arm.

Fawn frowned. "I…I got woken up by you two talking. I wanted to know why Jax was here."

Her dad shifted his feet and her mom moaned into her hand. It was like Fawn was swimming in a sea of awkward. The only one who didn't appear to be feeling the intense pressure of the room was Jax, who appeared to bathe in the pool of discomfort instead of writhe in it.

She studied Jax for the first time since the day in the forest. The lines on the man's face were deeper, and his mess of curls was tied up into a ponytail at the base of his neck. He wore a new leather coat which was similar to the one he'd given her. The smell of leather and grease wafted off of him. As he gazed at her, he had the same intensity in his gaze the day in the forest. He was studying her. Analyzing her.
Did this man truly try to kill me? If he did, why would my dad let him into our apartment?

As the two of them stared at one another, her dad draped an arm over her shoulder. She turned away from the strange, long-haired man and gazed at her dad. She noted nervous lines around his eyes too. For the first time, she could see the similarities between them as brothers.

"Well, well, well. It seems I'm not the only one who has developed some interesting new traits." Jax stepped backward and tightened his jacket around himself. "I think I understand what's going on now. The real reason why you didn't want me to see her. You were never one to share, big brother."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Her dad tightened his grip so much he hurt her shoulder.

"Don't forget this isn't permanent." Jax shot her dad an aggravated look and then walked away.

The sight of Jax's back filled Fawn with immense despair all over again. She didn't want him to leave. With a groan, she stepped forward, hand extended, longing to beg for him not to abandon her. She wanted him to stay forever.

"Jax, don't go," she said.

The man kept right on walking. Her mom tugged at her hand as she hung her head in disappointment.

****

While her mom and dad drank tea, Fawn consumed thick oil. She didn't want to drink it, but her mom insisted they calm down before talking, so she didn't have much of a choice. With a frown, she traced the lid of the unmarked can, wishing she could fast forward time.

"I think it's time to tell her more now, Oliver," her mom said.

Fawn glanced up at her mom in relief. Her dad's eyes were wide and his face was pale. Once again, after having seeing Jax, she registered how much they looked alike. And how little they looked like her.

"Okay, okay." Her dad ran a hand through his hair. "Just what do you expect me to tell her?"

"Anything." Her mom elbowed him in the side.

"Fine." Her dad's expression was intense. "Fawn, you're not our kid. You are actually Jax's."

The world stilled. That made sense but didn't make sense. How could she be Jax's daughter when just minutes before her dad had said she wasn't? It felt like a lie on top of a lie.

"You just said I
wasn't
his daughter. I heard you. You're lying to me again." Fawn glanced at both of them in despair. "I don't understand. I can sense you're being untruthful and now I know I'm right. I want to know the truth. Please. Who am I?"

Her mom gripped her cup of chamomile tea so hard her fat fist grew white. . Her dad also appeared tense, but he was pale instead of red and his eyes bulged.

"You are Jax's child. That's why you wanted to go with him and not us." Her dad sighed. "You aren't
genetically
his either, though. He…adopted…you, I guess you could say."

Adopted me.
Suddenly, the memories of his workshop, the grease and the smells, made sense. No wonder she felt comfort when he was with her, if he was the man who raised her. The image of his back made her wince even more. It hurt because her dad was abandoning her. How could he do that? Didn't he love her?
Dad. Jax is my dad.
Something in her head clicked and the blackness was not nearly so overwhelming anymore.

"Jax is my dad…" Fawn bit her bottom lip. "Okay. But you said he was using me as a replacement?"

Her dad—or her uncle who also
felt
like her dad—winced and pushed his glasses further up his nose. With his frown so deep, she could see the cracks spanning from his eyes like legs from a spider's body. She knew even after all of this, she wasn't sure she could consider Delanee and Oliver as her aunt and uncle after having called them her parents. It didn't feel right to her, even after what she'd learned.

"I shouldn't have said that. Cold of me. He just made me mad, showing up here out of nowhere with the cops after him." Her dad sighed. "Jax had a wife and daughter once. His wife's name was Beth and his daughter's name was Melody. The cutest little girl you ever saw. Blonde hair and green eyes just like yours. The spitting image of her mother. She would be your age now, too, if she was alive."

Fawn pressed her hand to her lips in horror. "What happened?"

"Like I said, Jax is brilliant but creates messes. He was working on some top secret project for a security company. The invention was named Model 28. No one is sure what happened, but something made him change his mind about presenting the project to the company. Jax said something like, 'It's too dangerous to be at the hands of the human race.'" Her dad laced his fingers together. "People came to get the invention. Could have been the security company, could have been somebody else who'd heard about what Jax was doing. The group called itself Galliham and was led by a man named Ark. They were hit men. Jax wasn't home. He was on a trip to Los Angeles. Beth knew how important it was to keep Jax's invention away from them, so she fought the intruders. Jax doesn't know for sure because he wasn't there, but he found the remains of Model 28 on the floor and burned up research papers. He guessed Beth destroyed his work so the men couldn't get it, and they killed her when they found out what she'd done. Somehow Melody got caught up in the mess and she ended up dying too. Jax lost everything that day. He grew cold, distant, and honestly, neurotic. He was inconsolable until he got you."

Fawn shivered at her dad's words. Poor Jax. Who would kill a wife and child over some stupid invention? It was such a waste of life.

"That's so sad." Fawn stared at her hands. "So how did I lose my memory?"

Her parents exchanged glances again.

"An inventor not inventing is like a human not breathing," her dad said. "Some men came after Jax again when they heard he was working on Model 29. They tried to hurt you. There was a big explosion and some head trauma. Your dad brought you to me and begged me to help you. I did what I could. You regained your health but not your memory. You were in a comatose state. Nothing we could do. Jax was in despair. He realized he couldn't be around the people he loved, so he gave you to us to protect you."

"But you're telling everyone I'm your real daughter." Her eyes widened.

Her dad frowned at her somberly. "Well, we never had any kids of our own. Delanee just doesn't have the ability. Jax is smart and found ways to go beyond the law. He got you a new birth certificate, a social security number,
everything
. Nobody will ever know you belonged to him and that you could potentially hold the secrets of Jax's work."

"I…see." Fawn stared at her quivering hands. It all made sense now. The memories, lying on the table, the smell of grease. "And my real parents?"

"We don't know them," her dad said. "Jax doesn't know either."

Confusion and anger bubbled up to her skin like the cheese on the potatoes her mom made for dinner the night before. She gripped her chest, trying to fight down the angry, confused feelings within her. Trying to hold in the feelings was like trying to grasp fire.

"Why did you hide all of this from me?" Fawn asked.

"Isn't it obvious?" her mom said. "We care about you. And you knowing about Jax was only going to put you in danger. Nobody can know you aren't our real daughter, Fawn. Not even the neighbor boy you've taken a liking to."

She hung her head and a veil of sandy blonde hair concealed her parents from her. Sweeping agony boiled beneath her surface alongside other powerful emotions. Hurt. Rage. Confusion. Yet she knew this was not her mom and dad's fault. They were trying to protect her. The betrayal, though, was white hot. So hot it felt like lava crawled up her throat.

"Fawn?" Her dad reached over and jostled her shoulder. "We care about you, alright?"

Her mom nodded adamantly. Fawn sniffed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, trying to sort through the mixture of responses which flashed through her mind. It would be so easy to be angry, to storm to her room and lock the door. It would be easy to leave the apartment to follow Jax too. Maybe he was close by. What was hard was swallowing all of the boiling hurt within her and choosing the good emotions she felt for her parents instead.

"Can I still call you Mom and Dad?" Fawn asked.

"Of course you can, Fawn." Her mom's eyes brimmed with tears. "You haven't been with us for long, but I've come to think of you as my daughter. We didn't even meet you before you got hurt, so it's like you got adopted into our world."

After she nodded, her mom stood up and wound around the table. She seized Fawn by the shoulders and forced her into a hug. Her cool face met warm belly. She snuck her arms around her mom's wide waist and buried her face in her pajamas. The smell of sweet perfume overwhelmed her again. Today the woman smelled like the ocean, even though she could not recall smelling it in person. Then again, she couldn't remember much of anything. A chair screeched on linoleum as her dad stumbled over too.

"My turn," her dad said.

Fawn pulled away from her mom and stood up. She opened her arms wide and wrapped her arms around her dad. Hugging him was a completely different experience than hugging her mom. Fawn was thin, like him, so there was only hard bones and no softness. The scent of musky cologne permeated her nostrils just before the man stepped away.

"Thank you, for being honest with me." Fawn looked from her mom to her dad. "I think it'll be easier for me to fill the holes in my memory this way."

Fawn saw her mom's eyes become wide and consumed with guilt just before she turned away.