The Mechanical Messiah (52 page)

‘And I’m not paying you,’ said Lord Andrew, rubbing sulkily at his cheek. ‘I’m not paying you a penny. If you’ve come here for money you won’t get it. Oh, please don’t kill me.’ And then he burst into tears.

Cameron helped him onto the casting chaise, which had known no action for many months. ‘Just listen to what I have to say,’ he said, ‘and if you let me do what I need to do, I promise you, you will reopen for business tomorrow night.’

Lord Andrew Ditchfield did little sobbings. ‘As if that were possible,’ he sniffed.

‘It
is
possible,’ said Cameron. ‘It
will
happen.’

‘But even if I could reopen — who would top the bill?’

Cameron Bell beamed hugely. ‘Alice Lovell and her Acrobatic Kiwi Birds,’ he said.

‘She’s still in there and I can hear the kiwi birds tearing things to pieces,’ the doorman of the Ritz whispered to Constable Gates. They stood upon the second floor of the hotel, just along from Major Tinker’s room.

The major had gone off to Hatton Garden.

Alice was all alone with her kiwi birds.

Constable Gates had a service revolver, as only senior ranks were issued with ray guns. He pulled this revolver from its holster and signalled his fellow constables, four in number, to gather behind him, with their pistols drawn also.

‘You have a spare room key?’ he whispered to the doorman.

The doorman nodded and waggled the key on a chain.

‘Then you quietly open the door. And
we—’
he indicated himself and his fellow officers, ‘—will go in shooting.’

‘She’s a woman,’ said the doorman. ‘A pretty woman, too. Are you sure you want to shoot her?’

‘She’s a fiend in human form, half-woman, half-kiwi, I’ve heard. She and her evil flock prey upon the young women of Sydenham. Those kiwis will rip your throat out soon as look at you.’

The constables moved uncomfortably. All took to cocking their pistols.

‘On the count of three,’ whispered Constable Gates, as the doorman placed the key in the lock and with a trembling hand began to turn it.

‘One.’

The constables pointed their pistols at the door and from beyond came sounds of bumbling kiwis.

‘Two.’

The constables’ fingers tightened on their triggers. Alice’s voice came to them saying,’ Oh, you naughty birds.’

‘Three!’

The doorman twisted key and handle and pushed the door open, ducking aside as the constables rushed forwards, firing their guns as they did so.

They fired and they fired and they fired and they fired. The doorman burst into tears.

moke shrouded the hotel room and nothing remained alive there but for five young constables clicking upon the triggers of empty pistols.

Lord Andrew Ditchfield flicked at his teeth with the tip of his tongue.

‘You are surely insane,’ he said to Cameron Bell. ‘THE EVIL KIWI GIRL? You think I would want
her
to top my bill?’

‘She is innocent of all charges,’ replied Mr Bell. ‘And if all goes as I am planning tonight, this will be proved beyond doubt and the publicity will make her the most longed-to-see Music Hall act in the world.’

‘In the world?’ mused Lord Andrew Ditchfield. ‘Undoubtedly,’ the detective said. ‘But I need you to do several things for me in order for me to bring this all about.’

‘You expect me to trust you, after all that has happened?’

‘You will prosper if you do so. And what in truth do you have to lose?’

‘I could hand you in to the authorities and claim the reward,’ said his lordship.

Cameron Bell squared up before the titled manager. He
could
look quite menacing when he really wanted to. This was one of those occasions when he
really
wanted to.

‘What do you want me to do?’ asked Lord Andrew, getting a fine shake on.

‘Three things,’ said Cameron Bell. ‘Firstly, I wish you to switch on the electrical system for the entire theatre.’

‘Why?’ asked Lord Andrew Ditchfield.

‘Because I need to test a proposition. It is most important.’

‘And secondly?’ his lordship asked.

‘Secondly, the actual testing. I need half an hour alone in the Electric Alhambra, with every door opened to me. Every door, do you understand?’

‘Not really,’ said Lord Andrew. ‘And thirdly?’

‘I need the loan of three hundred guineas.’

Lord Andrew Ditchfield sighed. ‘I am a broken man, sighed he. ‘I had such great ambitions.’

‘And they will be realised.’ Cameron Bell became thoughtful. ‘I too have ambitions,’ he said, ‘both professional and romantically inclined. If you put your trust in me I promise it will not be ill-founded. What do you say?’

The detective offered his hand to be shaken.

Lord Andrew Ditchfield paused.

‘The most longed-for Music Hall star in the world and she will be all yours.’

Lord Andrew Ditchfield shook the hand of Mr Cameron Bell.

‘Where is she?’ a constable asked, fanning smoke from his face. ‘Where did she go and where are the kiwi birds?’

Constable Gates flapped at the thinning smoke. ‘We saw her,’ he said. ‘We heard her and her birds before we rushed in. And we saw her.
I
saw her. Sitting on the bed in a blue dress with white puffed shoulders.’

‘I saw her
too,’
agreed a constable. ‘And all the birds.’ The constables nodded their helmeted heads. They had
all
seen all of the birds.

‘But when we fired …’ Constable Gates’ voice trailed off and there was a bit of a silence.

‘She vanished,’ said one of the constables. ‘She and her birds just vanished away.

‘No no no.’ Constable Gates was now shaking his head, and his helmet almost fell off ‘She cannot just have vanished. She must be hiding. And her birds. Guard the door, then, one of you and all the rest search with me.

And so they searched.

And searched.

And searched a little more.

‘She
has
gone,’ said a nameless constable. ‘She and her birds, they simply vanished away.

The constables nodded once again.

‘She vanished in front of our eyes,’ they all agreed.

Constable Gates did further head shakings, but he in truth had seen her vanish, too. One moment she had been there and in the next just gone.

‘It must be magic,’ said Constable Gates, with wonder in his voice.

The colonel’s reading voice lacked somewhat when trying to express the wonder of the Book of Revelation. He droned on a bit, did the colonel. He huffed and puffed, but he veritably droned.

‘Let me help you,’ said Darwin. ‘I would be pleased to read.’

The glass and turquoise eyes of the Mechanical Messiah moved, focusing upon the man and then upon the monkey. ‘Are you brothers?’ he asked.

‘Brothers?’ asked the colonel, and looked down upon his friend.

Darwin looked up at the colonel.

‘In a manner,
yes,’
said Colonel Katterfelto.

Darwin the monkey grinned.

‘I’ll pop out and get a glass of water,’ said the colonel. ‘You read some more Revelation.’

The colonel sought a tap and cup, and Darwin read from the Bible.

‘
—and they worshipped the beast,

saying who is like unto the beast?

Who is able to make war with him?’

‘But what does it mean?’ asked the Mechanical Messiah.

‘It is what
You
do,’ said Darwin. ‘You banish the beast.’

‘
What
is the Beast?’ asked the metal figure.

‘I do not know,’ said Darwin. ‘Would You like me to read some more?’

‘Read it all to me — Darwin, is it?’

‘Darwin is my name,’ said Darwin the monkey.

‘Then please read it all to me and then perhaps we will both understand it.’

Darwin continued to read.

When Cameron Bell stood once more beneath the FOR SALE sign, he had several hundred pounds in his pocket and in his personal opinion, all the details of the various cases all completely wrapped up.

Cameron Bell knew exactly what had happened, how and why. He knew who was to blame for what and he had formulated a plan that he hoped would be foolproof and not become subject to further complications.

He now had to meet with certain dubious underworld figures of his acquaintance and purchase from them certain items that were far from legal for him to possess and then, he felt confident, he could put all the pieces of this complex jigsaw together and see just how perfectly they fitted.

‘It will be my finest achievement. Crowned only by Alice Lovell’s acceptance of my proposal of marriage to her,’ said the private detective. ‘I shall then live happily ever after.’

Cameron Bell thought about that uncut diamond. He would need to get that back from Sergeant Case. That was going to be turned into the gemstone of an engagement ring.

read the sign above the door. In the front window diamonds dazzled. Another sign, propped up amongst so many rings and ear studs, necklaces and bracelets, broaches and jewelled pocket watches, advertised that Mr Cohen was always willing to value gems and purchase at the very fairest of prices.

Major Tinker peered in at the window. Gazed upon the diamond hoard. Saw how tiny the diamonds looked in comparison to those he had bagged up in his pocket. And the prices? Major Tinker smiled most broadly, pushed upon the door and entered the shop.

The doorbell pinged and Mr Cohen looked up from his countertop doings. Mr Cohen would never be mistaken for an Irish butcher. Even upon a Tuesday when there was an R in the month.

Mr Cohen had one of those magnifying eyeglass affairs attached to his gold-rimmed spectacles, which he pushed to one side as he greeted his visitor.

‘Hello to you,’ said Mr Cohen. ‘A very fine day, I trust you are well and how may I help you, sir?’

‘I would like a valuation upon a diamond,’ said Major Tinker, approaching the counter. ‘A discreet valuation, if you understand what I mean.

‘I will ask you no questions and you will tell me no lies.’

‘Something like that,’ said the major. ‘I acquired this on my travels. It is an uncut diamond. Perhaps it might interest you.

He dug into his pocket, rooted about in his pouch and drew out the very largest uncut diamond. This he placed with almost reverence onto the countertop.

Mr Cohen stiffened slightly, but he was a professional. ‘On your travels,’ he said, thoughtfully.

‘In distant lands,’ said the major. ‘Most distant.’

‘Indeed. Indeed. May I touch?’

‘You may touch and weigh and value and then buy,’ said Major Tinker, smiling as he said these words.

‘Indeed, indeed, indeed.’ Mr Cohen took up the gemstone. It was approximately the size of a golf ball. And a rather large golf ball at that. Mr Cohen lowered his magnifying eyeglass affair and peered awhile at the gemstone.