The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (174 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
The manager, incredulous, said: “You mean to tell me . . . a guy came in here to buy a fishing hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?”
“Not exactly,” the young lad replied. “He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, seeing as how your weekend’s fucked, you might as well go fishing!’”
A salesman knocks at the door of a house and is greeted by a twelve-year-old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half-empty bottle of whisky in the other.
The salesman asks the boy, “Excuse me, son, but is your mum or dad in?”
The boy replies, “Does it fucking look like it?”
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day and was confronted by a young man in a suit, carrying a vacuum cleaner. “Good morning, madam,” said the young man. “If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
“Go away,” said the old lady. “I don’t want a new vacuum cleaner, and anyway I’m a pensioner and I’m broke.”
As she was about to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Please hear me out,” he said. “Don’t send me away until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he strode past her and emptied a bag of dogshit on to her hallway carpet. “If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this dogshit from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat whatever is left.”
The old lady stepped back and said: “Well I hope you’ve got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
I’m completely exhausted. I shagged this beautiful girl last night but it turned out she was a schizophrenic. I wasn’t allowed to stop until I brought both of them to orgasm.
Did you hear about the schizophrenic who threatened to kill himself?
The police treated it as a hostage situation
.
I had a threesome the other night. I say threesome: actually, I fucked a schizophrenic.
Why are schizophrenics afraid to shave?
They don’t trust that cunt with the razor.
Why is it that when you talk to God, it’s called prayer, but when God talks to you, it’s called schizophrenia?
What’s the best thing about schizophrenia?
It turns a wank into an orgy.
My doctor has diagnosed me as a paranoid schizophrenic. We think he’s out to get us.
If I had a choice of mental illnesses, I would choose to be a schizophrenic kleptomaniac.
After all, you can always take something for it.
I got a ticket to see the Special Olympics.
I am really looking forward to the schizophrenic boxing.