The Mammoth Book of Conspiracies (15 page)

CERN (EUROPEAN ORGANIZATION FOR NUCLEAR RESEARCH)

No, don’t press that button …

Nothing seems to go right at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) in Switzerland, with its poor old pointy-headed scientists having to cope with gremlins, explosions, arrests for membership of al-Qaeda (yes, really), which may be just as well, because according to the far fringe of conspiracy theory the particle beam accelerator is actually a doomsday weapon to bring about the end of the world. How do they know? Because the 27-kilometre-long tunnel down which the protons rage towards a collision intended to recreate the beginning of the universe has 666, the Mark of the Beast, stamped on it, while outside CERN’s HQ, is a statue of the Indian goddess Shiva, the destroyer. We’ll all disappear into a black hole made by the LHC in 2012 (this being the year the
Mayan Calendar
, the doomsayers’ bible, ends.) Or, as Dan Brown, that well-known atomic physicist, has written in the textbook
Angels and Demons
, anti-matter will be created in the LHV for a bomb to blow the Vatican and the pontiff to kingdom come.

But the award for the most intriguing CERN conspiracy goes to two real scientists, Holger Bech Nielsen of the Niels Bohr Institute and Masao Ninomiya of the Yukawa Institute for Theoretical Physics. One of the main aims of the £3 billion LHC is to discover the Higgs boson, the missing link between mass and energy, otherwise known as the “God particle”. Nielsen and Ninomiya’s thesis is that all the glitches and accidents at the LHC are not accidental, but intentional, because the LHC is sabotaging itself – from the future – so it does not fulfil its function of discovering the Higgs. Such a discovery would be “abhorrent to nature”. According to Nielsen: “Our theory suggests that any machine trying to make the Higgs shall have bad luck. It is based on mathematics, but you could explain it by saying that God rather hates Higgs particles and attempts to avoid them.”

The repeated failures of the US Superconducting Supercollider, also designed to find Higgs, are similarly explained by God’s dislike of Higgs and human attempts to impersonate his work.

This is the Hallowed Father of All Conspiracies.

Further Reading

Holger Bech Nielsen and Masao Ninomiya, “Test of Effect from Future in Large Hadron Collider: A proposal”, arXiv.org

CHUPACABRA

Think ALF from the Sci-Fi TV show of that name. But not nice. Not nice at all.

A chupacabra is, in popular lore, a vicious creature that inhabits the Americas, where it attacks livestock, prior to draining out all their blood in a Dracula-style drink. (Chupacabra is the Spanish for the carefully pronounced “goat sucker”.) The first sightings of the Chupacabra came from Puerto Rico in 1995, but in recent years the critters have spotted in Michigan, Russia, the Philippines. Although eye-witnesses differ on the what exactly a chupacabra
does
look like, the creature is commonly described as being the size of a large dog, having red bulging eyes, a row of spines down its back, a scaly skin, and trailing a gut-churning stench in its wake. The chupacabra commits the exsanguinations by piercing ¼ inch holes into its prey.

Chilean chupacabra-watchers have asserted that the beast is a result of a NASA lab experiment going wrong, whereas Jorge Martin in “The Chupacabras Phenomenon” notes a different bunch of microscope-wielding gringos may be to blame:

Puerto Rico has been the site for much experimentation by the United States on the island’s population and territory for decades. Examples of this can be found in the experimentation of Talidomida and anti-conceptive drugs on our women, which caused the birth of many malformed children in the 1950s. The lethal “orange agent” and other dioxine-based chemical agents were tested in several places on the island, as well as gamma radiation tests in our forests. Because of this we can’t exclude the “possibility” that someone may well be experimenting with new and advanced genetic products in our country. The ABEs [Anomalous Biological Entities] could be the result – and has gone awry … who knows?

The US government possibly? According to Martin, specimens of chupacabra were captured alive in Puerto Rico in November 1995 and dispatched stateside. The only reason the matter was not reported in the media was because chupacabra sightings tend to coincide with UFO sightings, and Uncle Sam does not want Joe and Josephine Public to know UFOs are real and/or that Uncle Sam is in cahoots with the ETs.

While the presence of an “ALF” or “alien life form” on Earth cannot be completely ruled out, until we get to shake long spindly fingers there are better explanations for the phenomenon of “El Chupacabra”. A
Plum Island
genetic monster is a distant possibility, yet numerous studies of dead “chupacabras” have found them to be no more exotic than coyotes with mange. Almost as prosaically, researcher Benjamin Radford has shown that the first sightings of chupacabra coincided almost exactly with the release of the sci-fi movie
Species
. Which featured an alien/human varmint quite remarkably like the chupacabra.

Further Reading

Benjamin Radford,
Tracking the Chupacabra: The Vampire Beast in Fact, Fiction and Film
, 2011

CLOUDBUSTER

Kate Bush had a hit single in 1985 called “Cloudbusting”, which came with an eye-catching video of a machine that sucked clouds into a trumpet-like horn and blew them out elsewhere.

Both song and video were based on the “cloudbuster” machine invented by Wilhelm Reich. Born in Austria in 1897, Reich was trained as a psychoanalyst by Freud, but he eventually turned his back on the sage of Vienna to concentrate on a science centred on the study of “bions”, microscopically small particles of cosmic energy. Thrown out of Austria by the Gestapo, he moved to America, where he perfected, among other inventions, the aforementioned cloudbuster. This consisted of six metal pipes strapped together, and grounded by a metal cable to a water source. Mounted on a stand, so it could be pointed at any cloud in the sky, it supposedly worked by raising or lowering “Orgone Energy”, a cosmic life force like Chinese
chi
, in the atmosphere.

In the great Maine drought of 1953, with the blueberry harvest in danger of shrivelling, Dr Reich was asked by farmers to bring his cloudbuster along and do his stuff. According to the
Bangor Daily News
, within hours of Reich pointing his contraption at the sky at 10.00 a.m. on 6 July, a quarter of an inch of rain fell – despite no forecast of precipitation.

Skeptics suggested the precipitation was coincidence.

Whatever, Reich’s incipient career as a rainmaker was cut short by an unholy alliance of the FBI and the Food and Drug Administration. When Reich claimed that his “Orgone Energy Accumulator” (a large wood and metal box) could cure cancer, he was sentenced to prison, where he died. The court also ruled that his inventions, their parts and his papers be destroyed.

Reich’s science may have been unorthodox, but it hardly required an American court to ape the Nazis by burning scholarly books and imprisoning alternative thinkers.

Further Reading

Wilhelm Reich,
The Cancer Biopathy
, 1948

Wilhelm Reich,
The Orgone Energy Accumulator, Its Scientific and Medical Uses
, 1948

CLUB OF THE ISLES

You will not read about the Club of the Isles in any textbook or popular magazine. It is unincorporated and it has no membership lists. Yet, as an informal association of predominantly European-based royal households and princely families, the Club of the Isles commands an estimated $10 trillion in assets. It lords over such corporate giants as Royal Dutch Shell, Imperial Chemical Industries, Lloyds of London, Unilever, Lonrho, Rio Tinto Zinc, and Anglo American DeBeers. It dominates the world supply of petroleum, gold, diamonds, and many other vital raw materials; and deploys these assets not merely in the pursuit of wealth, but as resources at the disposal of its geopolitical agenda.

Such is the belief of
The New Federalist
, house newspaper of American politician and conspiracy theorist Lyndon LaRouche. It gets worse according to Mr LaRouche, because the goal of the Club of the Isles –which supposedly takes its name from the Prince of Wales’s title “Prince of the Isles” – is “to reduce the human population from its current level of over 5 billion people to below 1 billion people within the next two to three generations; to literally ‘cull the human herd’ in the interest of retaining their own global power and the feudal system upon which that power is based”.

How will humanity be so culled? By wars and revolutions fomented by the World Wildlife Fund (!) which, like the Club itself, is headed by the nonagenarian Duke of Edinburgh. The genocide in Rwanda is just one example of what the WWF, cunningly disguised as panda-huggers, can do. Meanwhile, that section of humanity destined to escape the chop will be made hapless and helpless by ingesting large quantities of pop music and drugs, the latter supplied by the biggest crack cartel of all – the British Royal Family. In his book
Why Your Child Became a Drug Addict
, LaRouche asserts that Queen Elizabeth II had the British Secret Service deliberately manufacture the Beatles, so as to pervert the minds of American youth with their rock ’n’ roll ways.

Welcome to La-la-la-Rouche land. Mr LaRouche and his collaborators do not like the Windsors who, in the tortured minds of the LaRouchites, run, aside from drug-trafficking, the Commonwealth, the UN and pretty much the whole global shebang from their secret inner circle, the Club of the Isles. Well, not quite the entire world deal, because LaRouche also seems to think that
Synarchy
is another contender as Master Cabal of the Universe, and the good old US of A is holding out against re-becoming a British colony.