The Magus, A Revised Version (46 page)

‘
And get me into bed?
’

‘
Only if you wanted.
’

She explored my eyes, then looked down.

‘
And if I don
’
t?
’

‘
Then obviously.
’

‘
So perhaps it
’
s not worth your going on.
’

‘
That
’
s bloody insulting.
’

I said it with enough force to check her. She bowed her head, her arms still folded.

I spoke in a gentler voice.
‘
Look, what the hell
’
s he been telling you?
’

There was a long silence, then she murmured,
‘
If only I knew what to believe.
’

‘
Try your instincts.
’

‘
I seem to have mislaid them since I came here.
’
There was another silence, then she made a little sideways movement of her bent head.

Her voice was a shade less accusing.
‘
He said something foul, after last time. That you … that you went to brothels and that Greek brothels weren
’
t safe and that I mustn
’
t let you kiss me again.
’

‘
Is that where you think I
’
ve been?
’

‘
I don
’
t know where you
’
ve just been.
’

‘
So you believe him?
’
She said nothing. I felt furious with Conchis; the damned gall he had, talking about the Hippocratic oath. I stared at the bent head, then spoke.
‘
I
’
ve had enough of this. I
’
m clearing out.
’

I didn
’
t really mean it, but I turned back towards the table as if I did. She said quickly,
‘
Please.
’
A tiny pause.
‘
I didn
’
t say I believed it.
’

I stopped and looked back at her. At last there was something less hostile in her eyes.

‘
But you
’
re behaving as if you did.
’

‘
I
’
m behaving as I am because I don
’
t understand why he keeps telling me things he knows I can
’
t believe.
’

‘
If it was true, he ought to have warned you at the beginning.
’

‘
That did occur to us.
’

‘
Didn
’
t you ask him why not?
’

‘
He said he
’
d only just found out.
’
Then she said, in her gentlest voice yet,
‘
Please don
’
t go away.
’

Though she looked down in the end, she held my eyes long enough for me to believe the request was sincere. I went back in front of her.

‘
Are we still so convinced of his essential goodness?
’

‘
In a kind of way, yes.
’
She added,
‘
In spite of everything.
’

‘
I had the universal telepathy experience.
’

‘
Yes, he told us.
’

‘
He has hypnotized you?
’

‘
Yes, several times.
’

‘
He claims that
’
s how he knows everything that
’
s going on in your mind.
’

That shocked her momentarily, she looked up, but then she gave a little puff of protest.
‘
It
’
s ridiculous. I
’
d never let him do it. June
’
s always been there, he insists on that himself. It
’
s just a technique, actually rather a marvellous one, for helping you get into a part. She says he just talks and talks … and somehow I absorb it all.
’

‘
Is Julie just another part?
’

‘
I
’
ll show you my passport. I haven
’
t got it with me, but … next time. I promise.
’

‘
That last time … you might have warned me the schizophrenia thing was coming.
’

‘
I did warn you something was coming. As much as I dared.
’

I could feel our doubts and suspicions mounting once more, and I had to concede that yes, she had warned me in her fashion. There was something much more submissive about her now, on the defensive.

‘
All right … but whatever he isn
’
t, he
is
a psychiatrist?
’

‘
We
’
ve known that for some time.
’

‘
So the whole thing here is along those lines?
’

Again I was assessed. Then she looked sideways down at the tiles.
‘
He talks a lot about experimental situations. About the behaviour patterns of people faced with situations they don
’
t understand. A lot about schizophrenia.
’
She shrugged.
‘
How people split themselves … ethically, all sorts of ways, before the unknown. One day he said something about the unknown being the great motivating factor in all human existence. He meant not knowing why we
’
re here. Why we exist. Death. The after-life. All that.
’

‘
But what does he actually want us to prove for him?
’

She still looked at the ground; now shook her head.

‘
Honestly, we
’
ve tried and tried to pin him down, but he … he always comes up with the same argument
–
if we know the final purpose, what he expects, then obviously it will effect how we behave.
’
She let out a reluctant breath.
‘
It does have a sort of logic
’

‘
I
’
ve had that line. When I asked to know your supposed case-history.
’

Her eyes met mine.
‘
It does exist. I
’
ve had to learn it by heart. What he
’
s invented.
’

‘
One thing
’
s clear. For some reason he
’
s feeding us every lie under the sun. But we don
’
t have to be what he wants us to imagine. I
’
m no more a syphilitic than you
’
re a schizophrenic
’

She bowed her head.
‘
I really didn
’
t believe it.
’

‘
I mean, if it
’
s a part of his game, experiment, whatever it is, I don
’
t care a damn how many lies he tells you about me. But I do care if you start believing them.
’

There was a silence. Her eyes, it seemed almost against her will, rose to meet mine again. They said something beyond the present situation, in a much older language than that of words. A doubt dissolved in them, a candour was restored; and they tacitly accepted my judgment. For a fleeting moment there was the tiniest conceding curl, a wry admission, at the comers of her mouth. She lowered her eyes again, and then her hands slipped behind her back. Silence, a hint of little girl
’
s penitence, a timid waiting to be forgiven.

This time it was a shared thing. The lips were warm and they moved under mine, and I was allowed to hold her body close, to know its curves, its slenderness… and also to know, with a delicious certainty, that all was much less complicated than it seemed. She wanted to be kissed. The tips of our tongues touched, for a few seconds the embrace became tight, passionate. But then she abruptly pulled her mouth away and turned her head against my shoulder, though she stayed close against my body. I kissed the crown of her hair.

‘
I
’
ve nearly gone mad thinking about you.
’

She whispered,
‘
I
’
d have died if you hadn
’
t come today.
’

‘
This is real. Whatever else is unreal.
’

‘
That
’
s what frightens me.
’

‘
Why?
’

‘
Wanting to be sure. But not being sure.
’

I tightened my arms a little round her.
‘
Can
’
t we meet tonight? Alone somewhere?
’
She was silent and I said quickly,
‘
For God
’
s sake trust me. I
’
d never hurt you.
’

She detached herself gently, took my hands, still looked down.
‘
It
’
s not that. Just that there are more people about than you imagine.
’

‘
Where do you sleep here?
’

‘
There
’
s a … a sort of hiding-place.
’
She said quickly,
‘
I will show you. I promise.
’

‘
Is there something planned for tonight?
’

‘
He
’
s telling us another supposed episode from his life. I
’
m going to join you after dinner.
’
She smiled up.
‘
And I honestly don
’
t know what it is.
’

‘
Then we could meet after that?
’

‘
I
’
ll try. But I can
’
t…
’

‘
How about midnight? By the statue?
’

‘
If I possibly can.
’
She glanced back towards the table, and pressed my hands.
‘
Now your tea
’
s cold.
’

We went back to the table and sat. I stopped her making any fresh tea, and we drank it tepid. I ate a sandwich or two, she smoked, and we talked. Like myself neither she nor her sister could understand the old man
’
s paradoxical determination to lure us into his game, yet seeming preparedness to abandon it.

‘
Every time we show qualms, he
off
ers to fly us straight back to England. One evening on the cruise we went at him
–
what
was
he doing, couldn
’
t he
please
… all the rest. In the end he was as near being upset as I
’
ve seen. We almost had to plead with him the next morning. Ask his forgiveness for being so nosy.
’

‘
He
’
s obviously using the same technique on all of us.
’