The Lost Days (27 page)
Authors: Rob Reger
Am relying on my instincts to get us through this no matter what happens.
OK. The action so far:
Schneider called the room to order. Attikol looked a little surprised to find it was Schneider, and not his buddy the former mayor, who was overseeing the game, but what was he going to do about it? And everything pointed to him winning anyway. Since he is the only one of us who has ever actually played the game.
Schneider put my copy of
The LeStrande Guide to Calamity Poker
on the table and announced that today’s game would follow the rules of gameplay and scoring as set down in the book.
Attikol looked shocked when the book came out, and flipped through it with an expression of disbelief. “Where did this come from?” And then, under his breath: “As far as I knew, MY family wrote the only existing rulebook.”
I spoke up. “I, uh, found it in the Dumpster behind the library. Sir.”
Attikol laughed. “Fine. These rules are good enough. Showdown style, I presume? How many rounds?”
We all agreed on a 13-round game, which made me feel pretty lucky. Then just as we were about to get down to some serious card playing, Attikol stood up.
He cleared his throat and said to the whole room, “Thank you all for being gathered here today to witness this momentous occasion. As you know, I am here to honor my darling Raven’s…request…that I prove my love by besting her and her charming assistant, Earwig, in a game of Calamity Poker. A game that I take very seriously. Four hundred years ago, my ancestors won their vast riches in a game of Calamity Poker played against a corrupt tribe of magicians, who had been tormenting the local villagers, ruining their crops, killing their cattle, and so on…My noble forefathers restored honor to the villagers and burned the magicians—all but one treacherous survivor, who stole the secret source of my family’s great Mystical Power. After today, I will continue my Destiny to seek and win back that secret source of power…with the lovely Raven at my side. Let us all agree that we will stand by the rulings of our honorable judge and Dealer, Mayor Schneider. Let the game commence!”
My eyes were watering with the strain of not laughing. Hand was cramping with the strain of getting it all down on paper. Most of the audience was yawning. The game commenced.
Calamity Poker, as I learned earlier today from studying
The LeStrande Guide
, can be played Casual style or Showdown style. Casual style, which the Ümlaut crew always played, consists of as
many rounds as the players feel like playing, with no ultimate winner per se, just a redistribution of wealth. In Showdown style, players agree to a certain number of rounds. The Dealer determines which team wins each round. (In our case, best of 13 rounds would win the Showdown.) Betting during the game determines what the players actually win or lose. If your hand leads the round, you can either take the pot of money, choose some other reward (subject to the Dealer’s approval), or stipulate a consequence of the ultimate win—some condition that the losing team would have to accept.
I had handed my camera to one of the fashionistas to get our picture once we started playing. Here it is:
Anyway. Here’s how the game has gone so far:
| | R | | Much tension when it looked like I would actually win the first hand, but then Attikol pointed out a little-known point bonus for the rare combination of suits in his hand, and Schneider agreed. Attikol chose to stipulate a consequence of the ultimate win: If he won, Raven would join the caravan and leave with him. |
| | R | | Attikol’s hand was the clear winner. He chose to kiss Raven’s hand. Weirdo. |
| | R | | My hand and Attikol’s tied. We went into a challenge round. Being on the losing team, I got to assign the challenge. Attikol picked Embarrassing Truth, and I asked him, “Isn’t it true that you once wore women’s under-pants on your head when no other hat was available?” He said no, but you could hardly hear him over the raucous laughter. Citing the 1886 Convention on Audience Laughter, Schneider ruled that I had led the hand, and I chose to stipulate: If we won, I would get to join the caravan. Clearly this came out of left field for Attikol, but he made a face like “Kids—who can understand them?” and we carried on. |
| | R | | Curls’ hand led. He chose to take the pot of money. Attikol was obviously annoyed. |
| | R | | My hand led. I chose to stipulate: If we lost, I would get |
| | R | | Raven’s hand led. She chose to stipulate: If Attikol’s side won, she and I would both join the caravan, and Attikol would win her heart—but they must never return to Blackrock again, because it would remind her too much of her pathetic existence before Attikol. Big smiles from Attikol. |
| | R | | Raven’s hand led. She chose to stipulate: Due to her tender feelings for Attikol, if he failed her second challenge, she would lose so much respect for him that she must insist that he never return to Blackrock. Attikol put on a noble-concerned face, but I felt he was getting a little anxious. And we were now up by one hand. |
| | R | | Very close round, but Attikol managed to lead it, finally convincing Schneider that, considering our position in the lunar cycle, Rule 456.2.9 took clear precedence over Rule J78.43. He chose to request a 30-minute intermission for coffee. Schneider approved it. We took a break. |
Later
Am worried at the way things are headed. Very worried.
“Keep an ear on Attikol,” I whispered to Raven as she went behind the counter to make espresso. Attikol, meanwhile, seemed
to be idly chatting with his crew, but in a minute or two I saw one of them, a tall guy in a vintage fedora, casually slip out the door.
I hunkered down next to Raven’s stool and whispered to her.
| | M | | Raven, please tell me your ears are bionic. |
| | Raven: | | My ears are bionic. |
| | M | | I hope you’re not just saying that. Did you hear what Attikol said to Vintage Fedora Guy? |
| | R: | | He said, “Get Jakey.” |
SWEARWORD!! I had to intercept Vintage Fedora Guy somehow.
Yes. Somehow.
I stood up. Ümlaut was on the other side of the counter, waiting for his cappuccino and looking glum.
I was desperate.
| | M | | Hey, Ümlaut. How’d you like to do me a very small favor? I’ll, uh, put in a good word for you with Raven. |
| | Ü | | Want me to cheat or something? Tell you Attikol’s cards? Not going to happen. |
| | M | | Nothing like that. Just go keep that tall guy, the one in the vintage fedora, away from Jakey’s trailer. |
| | Ü: | | What’s this all about? |
| | M | | Oh…I…[Nuggets! Could not think of anything.] I…uh, this is kind of awkward… |
| | Ü: | | Spit it out, kid. |
[Frantically I thought, “What would Molly do?” And then I knew.]
| | M | | I just don’t want Jakey to know…that…[Taking a deep breath. Feeling unspeakably dirty.] I have feelings for Curls. Because Jakey…cares about me, and…you know, he’s so young, and so sensitive…I want to tell him myself…I don’t want him to have to see it in someone else’s mind. I know YOU understand. Right? |
[Right. An extremely sappy look came over Ümlaut’s face.]
| | Ü: | | Yeah, kid, I know. Love…hurts. It hurts! Look, don’t worry about a thing. I’ll take care of it. |
And he hustled out without his cappuccino.
Fingers crossed (story of my life as I know it), I went back to the gaming table, trying to console myself that I hadn’t exactly LIED. I mean, I DO have feelings for Curls. Feelings of annoyance and irritation, mainly, spiked with occasional pangs of pity.
Later
Coffee break has just ended. No sign of Jakey, Ümlaut, or Vintage Fedora Guy. Our game commenced.
| | R | | Curls’ hand led. And all because Schneider overlooked Rule 78.b.9, governing the fluctuation of point value in |
| | R | | Attikol’s hand led. He chose to stipulate: If he won, he and Raven would be married within a week. Raven gave him a spot-on sweet, demure smile. I congratulated myself for some first-rate programming. |
| | R | | Raven’s hand led. She chose to whisper in Attikol’s ear. I don’t know what she said, but I bet it was one of Molly’s lines, cuz it sure made him blush. |
| | Round 12: | | Raven’s hand led. She chose to give Attikol a kiss on the cheek. He was in heaven. |
| | R | | I was dealt the rare Blank Slate card, which allowed me to choose the suit and value of the card. Had to ponder it quite a bit before I decided to draw in the symbol for the 13 of Crows, hoping that wouldn’t make Attikol too suspicious, even though he would immediately notice the point bonus I would earn in combination with my other card and those on the table. |