The Lost Blogs (4 page)

Having just chopped down my beloved father’s cherry tree in a selfish act of self-satisfaction, I was saddened but still unable
to heed his request and so I turned to my father and said to him, “
Father,
I cannot eat a pie
.”

His brow turned downward in the way it usually turned when he was none too pleased with my thoughtless actions. He reminded
me that since I had caused the tree to fall, I would have to help in consuming the fruits of my labor.

I told him again, that I could not eat a pie, yet he did not want to listen.

You can imagine, four pies and five hours later that day, the state in which my belly was in. Father attempted to make me
feel better amidst my pain, telling me that someday the lesson I had learned would be remembered with such clarity that children
far and wide would never eat before chopping down a fruit tree. “
I cannot eat a pie
” would go down in history alongside my name as a cautionary tale to axe-wielding not-so-hungry children everywhere.

And… Father
is
always right.

From:
http://www.thecarpentryblog.com/~jesus/

Subject:
This Week’s Projects!

This week’s projects and tips come from
Joseph’s Carpentry Circus
and
The Carpenters Circle
, not to mention the pleasant people over at
The Carpentry Webring
. Pictures and step-by-step instructions are available by clicking on the link for each project. Supplies and tools can be
purchased many places, but can be found in Nazareth, which is where I always buy my tools.

Building a Bird House

How to Use a Chisel

Hanging a Door in 10 Easy Steps

Building a House, with Just a Few Helping Hands

Wooden Benches for Two

5 Uses for Old Sawdust

Summer Tables for Summer Meals

Foot Stool, Book Rack or Leg Rest

There’s also a personal project I’ve currently been working on—with limited tools (just two pieces of wood, some nails and
a chisel). I can show you how to build your own
water or wine rack
for proud display in your home or workplace.

Any thoughts on this project would be fully appreciated, as it’s just a little something I’ve started to work on, and am currently
not sure how many people will find such an item useful, although I found myself wishing the other day that I could have access
to both water and wine at the same time without having to go to the cupboard, retrieve wine, then realize after I sat back
down on my
wooden bench for two
that I wanted water and having to get up again to retrieve that.

With my
water or wine rack
you can store both satisfying thirst-quenchers in one place and never find yourself deficient of either. For what would one
do if they only had water but wanted wine? Nothing! You’d be stuck without a solution! This is just why this project is so
useful.

Next week, my Carpentry Weblog will have even more in store for all of you “wooden heads” looking for the next great project.
Remember, any questions can be sent to
[email protected]
. Your e-mails always bless my inbox and I am more than happy to help you in any projects you may currently be undertaking.

From:
http://www.orsonwells.com/blog/

Subject:
Citizen Kane’s Release

No thanks to an UNDISCLOSED certain someone who has offered RKO approximately $800,000 to destroy all the prints of my upcoming
film,
Citizen Kane
(cough, WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST, cough), things have been awfully chaotic as of late.

This ANONYMOUS media giant (ahem, WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST, ahem) seems to think that the movie
Citizen Kane
has something to do with his ANONYMOUS and SECRETIVE life, not to mention the life of his ANONYMOUS SIGNIFICANT OTHER (snort,
MARION DAVIES, snort), which is categorically, totally untrue.

If you must know, the character of Charles Foster Kane has nothing to do with any overblown newspaper tycoon or idiotic wannabe
movie producer nor is it based on any mediocre or talentless Hollywood hack, singer or actress alike. No,
Citizen Kane
is not based on any of these horrible, soulless, hermitlike individuals. Believe it or not,
Citizen Kane
is based on someone named… well, why don’t we just call this person BILLY ROLPH AMHEARST.

Who is Billy R. Amhearst? Is he a newspaperman? No, although he loves to read a good paper. Does he live inside a huge mansion?
No, although he sure loves to drive past them. Has he found love with a starlet of the stage and screen? No, although he loves
to go to the movies.
Citizen Kane
is based on this everyday common man named Billy Amhearst and such ANONYMOUS individuals should see fit to end their crusade
against RKO Pictures and the individual known as Orson Welles.

Posted by O. Welles on April 22, 1941, at 03:11 AM I Permalink I Comments (5)

COMMENTS

You’re such a liar. There’s no such person as Billy Rolph Amhearst!!

Posted by: Anonymous | April 22, 1941, 3:15 AM

There is SO such a person as Billy Rolph Amhearst. Idiot. Why don’t you at least put your name down there in the comment section,
Mr. Hearst!?

Posted by: O. Welles I April 22, 1941, 3:17 AM

I’m not William Hearst. I just think you should admit that there is no such person as Billy Rolph Amhearst and that your entire
movie is based on the real William Hearst! Admit it, you talentless hack!

Posted by: J. Smith | April 22, 1941, 3:19 AM

J. Smith!? That’s the best name you could come up with, Mr. Hearst?

Posted by: O. Welles I April 22, 1941, 3:21 AM

Go suck an egg, Welles!

Posted by: James Smith II | April 22, 1941, 3:23 AM

From:
http://www.waltdisney.com/blog/

Subject:
The Next Step

The secretive news that I’ve been holding off from sharing with all of you, of course, can now be made public and I wanted
to take this opportunity to let all the Disney fans know here on my blog first!

Having purchased over 27,000 acres of land just west of Orlando in Florida, my brother Roy and I are officially announcing
plans for what we’re calling “The Amazing WalteRoy Disney Parkworld Amusement Town for Kids!” (We’re pretty sure this name
rolls off the tongue easily.) Many of you have e-mailed asking just how different it will be from Disneyland itself (other
than the name), but all I can say at this point is that there’s a “world of possibilities” and if you know Disney you’ll already
have a pretty good idea about what amazing things the future holds…

On a totally unrelated note, while in Florida searching out the land that will eventually be the site of “The Amazing WalteRoy
Disney Parkworld Amusement Town for Kids!,” you can imagine that it was awfully humid and hot there. The weather in Florida
is always in the extremes, and the minute you walk outside you find that your entire body sucks up the humidity and it’s quite
an uncomfortable situation. Let’s just say, Southern California has the best weather around!

Nonetheless, I thought I’d share a solution for those planning on visiting Florida in the future—I like to call it, “sticking
your head in the freezer.” Surprisingly, I was lucky enough to be handed a hotel suite where the air-conditioning did not
work and so I had to resort to opening the freezer, sticking my head inside, and leaving it there for some time until my body
temperature cooled. And before long, I must tell you—my head was very happy with the low temperatures!

Of course, you can’t live your whole day with your head in a freezer, but in between surveys and meetings with local architects
and planners, you can imagine I had my head in that freezer keeping myself calm, collected and definitely cool.

Honestly, I felt the most comfortable I had felt during my entire time in Florida while my head was in the freezer. It just
goes to show you, you can never be too cool!

Now back in Southern California, we’re just finishing production on
The Monkey’s Uncle
, which is a hilarious movie that you’ll rush to see when it hits theaters next year. It involves a monkey… and an uncle!
So mark your calendars now, kids!

As usual, if you have any questions you can feel free to
e-mail me
and I’ll try to get back to you as soon as I can!

From:
http://www.george_orwell.co.uk/blog/

Subject:
Today’s Conversation with My Dog

Sometimes, my dog is more verbose than normal:

Me: “
Hello
.”

My Dog: “
Why, hello George
.”

Me: “
Well, aren’t you in a good mood today
.”

My Dog: “
Why, yes George. I am
.”

Me: “
Any particular reason why?
”

My Dog: “
Well, I’ve decided to run for Prime Minister of England
.”

Me: “
Is that so
.”

My Dog: “
Why yes, it is
.”

Me: “
Well let me be the first person to congratulate you for the thought
.”

My Dog: “
Well now you’re just being condescending
.”

Me: “
How so?
”

My Dog: “
You allude to the fact that you believe that a dog can’t be Prime Minister
.”

Me: “
What did I say to make you infer such a ludicrous thought?
”

My Dog: “‘
Let me be the first person… to congratulate you.’ You emphasized the word ‘person’ as if a nonperson can’t be Prime Minister
.”

Me: “
I think your questionable lack of self-confidence is projecting
.”

My Dog: “
Don’t start with your babble-talk, George
.”

Me: “
Me, babble-talk?
”

My Dog: “
You could just support my decision and leave well enough alone
.”

Me: “
Oh?
”

My Dog: “
I have many changes I plan on making when I take on my new leadership position
.”

Me: “
Anything you can share?
”

My Dog: “
Well– Aaah, ha! I see what you’re doing
.”

Me: “
What?
”

My Dog: “
Lull your dog into a false sense of security, encourage your dog who will someday be Prime Minister to discuss his political
platform, then use such information to have said dog whisked away and never heard from again
.”

Me: “
You’re over-thinking
.”

My Dog: “
Oh, am I?
”

Me: “
How about a bone?
”

My Dog: “
A bone?
”

Me: “
Yes, a bone
.”

My Dog: “
Yeah, a bone would be really nice
.”

Me: “
I’ll go get it for you, just hang on
.”

My Dog: “
Mind if I lick myself here while I’m waiting?
”

Me: “
No, not at all
.”

From:
http://www.blogs.es/~christophercolumbus/blog.html

Subject:
The Quest Continues…

Having found myself with more hours in the day than I know what to do with, I decided it would be worth updating my blog so
those following our journey to the Indies since we left Palos on August 3 would have something to consult until official word
of our arrival found its way back to Spain.

If you haven’t kept up on what I’ve blogged about over the last twenty days, you can read my previous entries
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
,
here
, and
here
. Or I can save you the time and tell you that we have seen…
nothing
. Wave after wave obstructs the same view over and over again—that of the horizon. Therefore, it has given me time to thoughtfully
explore other subject matter that affects my mood and demeanor.

Yes. Let’s talk about the
Niña
, again.

It’s important that I explain all the thoughts in my head on the subject (which I have explored for twenty previous entries
as well, as there has been nothing else to think about). I command three ships filled with men. We are explorers, sailors
and such. There has never been nor will there ever be a little girl on any of my ships so why then name one of these wooden
giants “the little girl”?

The
Pinta
or “painted one” and the
Santa María
(which, yes, was originally referred to as “Dirty Mary”) are masculine and make total sense for a journey such as this. But
“little girl”? Little girl!?

Yes, I do have a lot of spare time on my hands. Yes, I often spend the daylight hours simply drafting our course, making sure
we’re staying the course, rechecking the course again, announcing to others that yes, we’re still on course and then making
lists of alternative names for the
Niña
. Here are some that I have come up with over the last twenty days that, I believe, instill respect, honor and fear into those
who might come across our bow.

Serpiente (or, Snake)

Tiburón (or, Shark)

Astilla (or, Splinter)