The Lost Art of Listening (48 page)

Being Able to Hear Friends and Colleagues
287

If you have a gripe about someone and the relationship

is optional, let it go. But if you have a grievance about

someone you care about, find a way to say something.

People who hesitate to speak when something is bothering them

often imagine that those brave souls who do simply have more confidence

in themselves. Perhaps. But most of the people I’ve known to tell friends

that something is bothering them were just as worried about saying so as

those who keep silent. What enabled them to take the risk wasn’t only

respect for themselves and their right to their feelings, but also respect for

the relationship—and for their friends.

The longer you avoid telling a friend that something’s bothering

you—say, that you wish your friend wouldn’t make a habit of bringing

along a third person when you get together—the more preoccupied you

become with your grievance. In your internal debate about whether or

not to complain, you probably imagine phrasing your complaint in such

a convincing way that your friend will have to hear you. In fact, the most

effective way to address an impasse between friends is to take into account

what you imagine your friend’s position to be.

Acknowledging your friend’s position releases

him or her from brooding about it and opens him

or her to hearing your side.

Let’s say that you always seem to be the one to call a certain friend

about getting together. You’re not the sort of person to keep score, but her

never inviting you to do anything together troubles you. You’re starting

to wonder if she really likes you. You hesitate to say anything because she

might feel attacked. What to do? Tell her all of that. Use your ability to

empathize to anticipate how your friend might feel about what you have

to say. “Something’s been bothering me, but I’ve hesitated to bring it up

because I didn’t want you to think I was blaming you. Actually, this may

have to do with my own insecurity . . . ”

Sometimes an honest complaint can save a friendship.

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Michelle got tired of Arlene’s constant complaining—about her jerk

of a boss, her numerous aches and pains, and her rich repertory of boy-

friend troubles. But she didn’t want to say anything. She didn’t want to hurt

Arlene’s feelings. (Isn’t that what we tell ourselves when we don’t want

someone to get mad at us?) So instead of saying anything, she just stopped

being available when Arlene called, and the friendship withered and died.

When friends don’t speak up about what’s bothering them, grievances

gnaw at the relationship. Even if it doesn’t completely resolve the conflict,

hearing each other’s position makes a big difference. The best place to start

to address an impasse between friends is not to state your position but to

consider what your friend might be feeling and try to acknowledge that in

a way that invites him or her to elaborate.

Few friendships last long if all one person does is complain about

things. We all have troubles in mind, but remember that listening, espe-

cially to complaints, is a burden. If you have a friend who takes advantage

of your willingness to listen without reciprocating, you can accept this

burden until you get fed up—like collecting enough frequent-flyer miles

to trade in for the right to walk out on the friendship. Or you can say

something.

A running friend of mine used to complain about all the trouble he

was having with his stepson. I’d listen sympathetically and occasionally

offer advice (it’s okay, I have a license). But if my friend talked for more

than a few minutes, he’d get self- conscious (maybe partly
because
I have a

license) and apologize. I’d remind him that in our relationship complain-

ing was a two-way street. I didn’t mind hearing about his problems because

I was grateful for the time he spent listening to mine.

When two people are locked in silent grievance, the best way to open

the subject is to ask about the other person’s feelings. This applies espe-

cially to mutual misunderstandings. Don’t be too quick to tell your side.

In cases of major misunderstanding, concentrate first on listening to the

other person. Save your feelings for later. But if your friend has hurt you

and doesn’t know it, eventually saying something about how you feel may

be the only way to keep your resentment from poisoning the relationship.

Alice and her husband were both independent and regularly did things

like go out to dinner or to the movies separately. Alice’s friend Marie, on

the other hand, didn’t feel comfortable socializing without her husband.

Being Able to Hear Friends and Colleagues
289

So the two friends sometimes got together alone, but more often they did

things as couples, as Marie preferred. They both understood their different

situations, but each came to feel that she was doing more of the accom-

modating. Gradually, they saw less and less of each other.

Marie was hurt. She was disappointed that Alice wasn’t more sympa-

thetic to her situation. The less they saw of each other, the more Marie

brooded over how hurt she felt; and the more she brooded, the more she

imagined confronting Alice. Could Alice’s feelings conceivably mirror her

own? It was a possibility she hadn’t considered, but she decided to take a

risk in the interest of preserving the friendship.

Marie called and said she imagined Alice must be frustrated by her

having trouble getting together except as couples. Alice, relieved to have

her feelings acknowledged, said yes that was true, but deep down she wor-

ried that Marie didn’t really like her enough to want to do things alone

together.

Once Marie had broken the ice by showing concern for Alice’s feel-

ings, the two friends were able to talk about their misunderstanding and

resentment— feelings that often seem too threatening to talk about. The

basic conflict didn’t disappear—Alice still preferred to get together alone

with Marie, and Marie still had trouble going out without her husband—

but it no longer festered. The two friends now understood each other, and

their friendship endured.

How to Offer Constructive Criticism to a Friend

There are times when just listening to a friend you feel is making a mistake

is less than honest. However, if you feel like offering advice, it’s a good idea

to first ask if your friend wants to hear it.

“Would you like to hear a suggestion about this?”

“Are you interested in a second opinion?”

“Have you definitely decided to . . . ?”

Advice implies criticism, and even well- intended criticism can back-

fire. You may have been trying to be honest or simply have been thought-

less; either way your criticism may make your friend feel attacked. If you

suggest that a friend change something he or she isn’t interested in chang-

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ing (or likely to change), your comments, however well- meaning, can

leave the friend feeling resentful.

Sometimes when we give our opinion, we feel rejected if our friend

doesn’t follow it.

“Why did you ask for my advice if you weren’t going to take it?”

Taking advice means considering it, not necessarily following it. The

best kind of advice has no strings attached. A good listener allows friends

to accept or reject suggestions without acting slighted.

See how your friend responds to your initial comments before going

on. Don’t become so attached to convincing a friend of the rightness of

your assessment—of
her
decisions—that you are insensitive to her right to

decide what to do. If your friend seems defensive about your advice, pull

back and let her talk.

The time to press your point of view is

when you disagree with a friend about what

you should do, not the other way around.

If you’re not sure how your friend feels about your advice, ask.

“What do you think?”

“Do you want me to say more about this or not?”

“Should I go on, or have you pretty much made up your mind?”

Do Friends Outgrow Each Other or Just Forget

How to Listen?

For all too many people the story of friendships is a history of broken con-

nections. The loss of friends may not be as wrenching as those of people

who live together and share destinies, but the process is similar. We make

friends in one set of circumstances—in college, say, or starting a new job

or, like Maggie and Liz, as veterans of divorce. Then one or both of us

changes; we move on, and the connection becomes harder to sustain.

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291

The reasons we marry at twenty aren’t the same reasons we stay mar-

ried at thirty or sixty, but friends, who have fewer ties to bind them, are

less likely to do the maintenance it takes to sustain a relationship through

major life changes. A lot of that work involves respecting each other’s dif-

ferences and learning to listen when it doesn’t come easily.

Gil and Roy were friends in high school. Both were basketball players

and good students, and they gravitated together naturally. It was a friend-

ship based on shared interests and the kind of wisecracking teenage boys

use to test themselves. Their listening to each other, if you can call it that,

took the form of taking turns showing off.

As they grew older, Gil found Roy’s constant ribbing exasperating but

often invigorating, too. Others just found it annoying. Once, when they

were in their thirties, they were at a basketball game and Roy had had a

few beers. It was just after the great Kareem Abdul- Jabbar had changed

his name from Lew Alcindor, and for some reason he became the target of

Roy’s abrasive humor. Every time Jabbar missed a shot, Roy would holler,

“Hey
Lew
, nice shot,
Lew!
” He was really starting to bother the people

around them, but Gil didn’t say anything. After the game a couple of guys

confronted Roy, called him an asshole and knocked his glasses off. Later,

when Gil teased him about the incident, Roy got very upset, and the two

friends stopped speaking to each other.

A couple of years later Roy called Gil, and the friendship was renewed,

only now it seemed more superficial, at least to Gil. Roy still seemed so

adolescent. He was always posturing, looking for an angle, a spin, a take.

Together the two friends attended their twentieth high school

reunion. Gil remembered how the waves of emotion and memory washed

over him but that Roy remained his old wisecracking self. Afterward the

two of them went out for a drink with Gil’s old girlfriend.

Janice, who was still sensationally pretty, brought out the old com-

petitive edge between the two friends, who spent an hour in the bar toss-

ing barbed comments back and forth. Gil didn’t think Janice was very

impressed by their performance, and later he felt a little embarrassed.

Much later Gil learned that Roy had taken Janice home that night

and the two of them had had an affair. The way he found out was that Roy

called him, all upset, to tell him that Janice had broken off with him. Gil

was furious. It seemed like such a devious and hostile thing for Roy to have

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done—not just to score a conquest with his old girlfriend, but to keep it

secret. Why, if there was nothing sneaky in what Roy had done, hadn’t he

said anything about it? Still, when Roy turned to Gil to nurse him through

his hurt, Gil was forgiving, the way friends are.

The next time the two friends got together was when Gil invited Roy

to his annual company picnic. Roy, who’d again had a few beers, started

making jokes about private things Gil had said to him about various mem-

bers of the company. Gil was embarrassed and tried to shut Roy up but

wasn’t very successful. The following week, Gil wrote a letter to Roy saying

that he didn’t trust him anymore, that he didn’t plan to see him again, and

that he didn’t want Roy to contact him.

Gil (who would later outgrow and shed his first marriage) found this

act— deliberately severing a tie that had become a burden—quite liberat-

ing. It felt like a declaration of self- respect. Thinking about the end of the

friendship, he remembered Woody Allen saying that the things that mean

the most in this world, the things that are the most enjoyable, come natu-

rally. You can’t work at them.

That’s how we sometimes feel, but that doesn’t make it so. Maybe

when we’re kids friendship comes easily, but as we get older we may have

to work at it. Working at making friends and keeping them may go against

the grain, but that’s true of a lot of things worth doing. Gil’s friendship

with Roy may have become one of those relationships that persist out of

habit even though they are fundamentally unrewarding. But many friend-

ships, even based on a more solid connection, may require repair from time