The Lost Art of Listening (31 page)

is the key to calming things down.

Kim knew she was in for it when she got home. Ernie expected her to

tell him whenever she drove into the city, but she’d gone shopping with-

out saying anything. She was going to be home before supper, but now she

was stuck in traffic. As the cars crept along, her mind raced ahead.

Sure enough, when she walked into the house, Ernie demanded,

“Where were you?”

“I had a little shopping to do at Macy’s, and I got stuck in traffic.”

“You didn’t tell me you were going shopping.”

She couldn’t think of anything to say, so she said nothing.

Ernie went on about how he thought she’d agreed to tell him where she

was going, and because she didn’t have any excuse, Kim just listened.

It took less than two minutes for Ernie to finish complaining, and

then he calmly went on to talk about other things.

Kim, who’d dreaded this confrontation, was amazed to discover that

she didn’t have to defend herself. All she had to do was listen.

Feelings don’t always make sense right away. It’s easier to hear feelings

that don’t come out as accusations, but if they do, remember that they are

feelings
, not scientific statements of fact. Don’t yell back, call the other

person names, or bring up old issues.

Denise was backing out of a parking space when she felt the SUV smack

into the right side of her car. When she opened her door, the woman in the

SUV was screaming at her. “Why don’t you look where you’re going, you

stupid bitch!” Denise struggled to stay calm while she exchanged insurance

information, called AAA, and rode to the garage in the tow truck. When she

finally got home and told Henry what happened, she started to cry.

“That woman had no right to scream at me!” she said with rising

emotion.

“Calm down,” Henry said, “there’s no reason to get upset. Just tell me

what happened.”

That’s when Denise lost it. “Don’t tell me to calm down!” she said.

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

“You’re not the one whose car got smashed and then had to put up with

that abuse!” At this point her anger shifted from that stupid woman to her

husband’s lack of sympathy.

Don’t tell angry people to calm down. Doing so only makes

them feel that you’re denying their right to be upset.

If someone snaps at you in anger, how do you get beyond listening

with a clenched mind? The obvious answer is to listen through the emo-

tional static to what the person is trying to say. But that’s easier said than

done. When frustration and anger spill out into a relationship, our natural

response is to become anxious and defensive. Listening to someone who

assaults you with his feelings isn’t easy. One thing that may help keep

you from withdrawing into a defensive posture is hearing in the anxious

speaker the voice of an unhappy child crying to be heard.

If, instead of dwelling on how difficult the speaker is, you can focus

on your own efforts to listen and avoid overreacting, the anxiety in the

relationship will begin to abate. Anxiety is electric. It requires conduction

and amplification. If you listen and stay cool, the angry person will feel

heard and begin to calm down.

In heated discussions, repeating the other person’s position in your

own words shows that you understand and interrupts your own defensive

response. If the heat gets so intense that you start to seethe, try squeezing

your thumb and index finger together. This momentary distraction (less

hazardous to your health than “biting your tongue”) may help you channel

your tension in a way you can control.

If that doesn’t work, or an emotionally reactive speaker is dumping

on you and it’s too upsetting, you may have to protest. Doing so before you

get too upset, and without attacking, keeps your anger from boiling over:

“I’m sorry, but I can’t listen to this right now. I’m too upset. We’ll have to

talk later.”

How to Take Criticism Without Overreacting

He says, “You’re always late.”

She says, “You’re always rushing me.”

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity
185

One point for him. One point for her. Collective score: zero.

Allowing the other person to spell out his or her point of view before

responding with yours is especially important—and especially difficult—

when someone is criticizing you. If you start to react, ask yourself, Does the

person have a sincere concern about this issue? If the answer is yes, keep

listening.

If your spouse complains about where you park in the driveway, you

might consider that he or she has a legitimate stake in the matter. If, on

the other hand, he or she criticizes how you talk to your boss, you might

remember that how you decide to talk to your boss is your business. Come

to think of it, remembering that might make it easier to listen without

feeling the need to defend yourself.

If someone criticizes you, stay with that concern; don’t switch to a

different criticism of your own. Avoid cross- complaining.

“Oh yeah? Well, what about you? You never take out the garbage when

I ask you to.”

“I don’t care if you don’t like what’s for supper. Maybe if you cleaned

up your room once in a while like I asked, I’d feel more like cooking

something you like.”

After you allow your critic to spell out his or her complaint, agree with

whatever you can, or at least show appreciation for his or her concern.

“Yes, I have been a little grouchy lately. I’m sorry.”

“So you think I’ve been favoring Cindy over Joshua?”

“Yes, I did run over your prize Pomeranian in the driveway. I’ll get you

a new one.”

Okay, so I’m saying that when someone starts to criticize you, the

thing to do is to hear him out and acknowledge his point of view before

defending yourself. But isn’t that a little like saying that to lose ten pounds

all you have to do is cut out sweets? When someone starts in on you, espe-

cially someone close to you, it isn’t easy to nod and say, “Oh, so you think

I’m a selfish species of barnyard animal? I see. Please tell me more.”

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

Listening to criticism is one of the hardest things we ever have to do.

Unfortunately, getting defensive only makes things worse. To avoid doing

so, train yourself to listen responsively—pay attention, appreciate what

the other person is saying, and acknowledge it. This takes practice, but

you can make it a habit. The active effort to listen helps prevent you from

becoming reactive.

Focus on the issue. Try to hear in the criticism something the other

person is asking you to do for him or her rather than a condemnation of

yourself.

When Sid said, “I wish we didn’t have to have fish every week,” Nancy

started complaining about how picky he was. “You’re always complaining,”

she said. “For a while there you wouldn’t eat meat; now that’s
all
you want.”

Sid was stung. He
never
complained about what Nancy cooked. He

just hated the fish she served.
Didn’t he have a right to say what he liked?

Wasn’t it better to be honest?
This kind of brooding internal dialogue is pre-

cisely what prevents us from appreciating the other person’s point of view

and fuels the likelihood of a reactive response.

If Sid could listen to Nancy for a minute, instead of to his own hurt

feelings, he might realize that it’s a big job figuring out what to serve for

supper every night. Add in the complication of having to accommodate

spouses’ and children’s preferences, and that those preferences change over

time, and he might begin to understand what his wife was up against. If she

expresses herself with “excessive” annoyance (Sid thinks:
All I said was I

wish we didn’t have to have fish
), that’s a sign of stored-up resentment. Try to

remember: expression
releases
resentment.

What if, despite all your efforts to be a patient listener, criticism comes

out as an attack?

If criticism is given in a nasty or offensive way, you have a right to

object to the manner in which the message was expressed. If you can’t

listen to someone who berates you in an assaultive way, simply state what

put you off.

“I don’t appreciate being called stupid” (or compared to my mother or

called a bitch, or a son of one).

“I’ll try to listen to your suggestion if you can say it in a less nasty

way.”

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity
187

Actually, the word
nasty
is name- calling. Better to be concrete: “I’ll

try to listen to your suggestion if you can say it without telling me how self-

ish I am”—or “If you give me some idea of what you want instead of saying

what a terrible person I am.”

Will such remarks calm things down and allow the two of you to

understand each other? Probably not. But sometimes you have to let other

people know what your limits are.

“Why Does He [or She] Have to Talk Everything to Death?”

Jackie wishes twenty-four hours would go by without Fred’s complaining

about how nobody appreciates him at the office. Sometimes she feels like

screaming. If he weren’t so preoccupied with his precious career, maybe

he’d get a little more appreciation from her and the children. She doesn’t

say so, of course. He’d only get mad and sulk. So whenever Fred starts in

on topic number one, Jackie just sits there in pained silence.

Sam wishes Cheryl would stop launching into a diatribe every time

she feels overwhelmed by taking care of the house and the kids. It isn’t

that she doesn’t have a right to complain; it’s the way she goes on and on

about everything. He tries to be sympathetic, but it isn’t easy. She’ll say the

house is a mess or the kids are awful, and then she’ll just keep talking and

talking, covering every little detail without ever really getting to the point.

The worst of it, as far as Sam is concerned, is that she’s always complain-

ing about the same things. “ ‘Suzie doesn’t have any friends,’ ‘Suzie wasn’t

nice to so-and-so,’ ‘Suzie this,’ ‘Suzie that.’ Why can’t she leave the poor

kid alone?”

The issues that come up over and over again represent people’s core

concerns. (
Their
core concerns, not necessarily your greatest shortcom-

ings.) The more understood and accepted a person feels, the safer she feels

to go deeper into these issues. The mechanical and repetitive feeling of

some complaints stems partly from the fact that they rarely get a sympa-

thetic hearing. Listening is the greatest gift you can give to help soothe a

person’s feelings. Fred’s feeling that nobody appreciates his accomplish-

ments and Cheryl’s worries about the children will never be completely

resolved. That’s why they need to talk about these things from time to

time.

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GETTING THROUGH TO EACH OTHER

When people bring up recurring issues, some of us get upset and say

something like “How many times do we have to go through this?” Such

retorts make sense if you feel that the speaker’s complaints mean that

you’re responsible or that it’s your job to solve whatever problem the per-

son is complaining about. But is it really your job to resolve your mother’s

complaints about your sister or your mate’s complaints about the children?

Once you understand that other people’s talking about what’s bothering

them makes them feel better, you can relax, knowing that just listening

without becoming reactive can make both of you feel better.

Sharing problems makes people feel understood.

Listening is how we help them feel better

and how we build closer relationships.

For those who can get beyond blaming others for “making” them

upset, discovering what triggers their sensitivity leads to the question

“Where does my emotional reactivity come from?”

Getting to the Root of Reactivity

Reactivity develops as a defense against personal attacks. The more our

parents listened, took us seriously, and respected our opinions and feelings,

the more secure and self- possessed we became. The less they listened, the

more intolerant and critical they were, the more insecure and anxious we

became. The more exposed we were to accusations and arguments, the

more we learned to become defensive.

What happens in your family when people get anxious? Do they get

into shouting matches? Stop talking and avoid each other? That’s your

legacy.

Back to the Past

Making peace with your parents means being in emotional contact with

them, being yourself, and letting them be themselves. Changing your rela-

tionship to them doesn’t mean changing them; it means changing the

How to Defuse Emotional Reactivity
189

way you react to them. Notice what they do that drives you crazy. Notice

how you respond.
That
you can change. The more you learn to resist the