The Long Fall of Night: The Long Fall of Night Book 1 (46 page)

Well, she didn’t care how they resolved it, just that it got resolved. With the rangers finished, they all broke to carry out their settling in. It was clear to Ness she had some cleanup to do with her crew. She discussed with Matt the locations of the new radio signal boosters and memorized their position on her map, and then went in search of Roger to get him dealt with first.

He was outside, surveying the peaks on which they’d spend the next four days.

“Got a minute?” she asked, coming to stand beside him, looking out over the lake.

“Yes, ma’am,” he answered formally. By the clench of his jaw, she knew he knew what was coming.

“We can’t, Roger. And you know why.”

He tightened his lips and nodded.

“Under different circumstances, I’d say we had more of a shot, but as your direct supervisor, we risk breaking the team up. That’s not to say when your promotion comes through you won’t receive your own team, and perhaps we can talk then, but it’s already breaking rules since I’m the one who put in for you to get a bump. You don’t want people thinking you slept your way up.”

His eyes turned to her, and she saw the genuine ache in their depths. For the first time, she hated choosing her career, and his, over their bond.

“We can’t have that,” he said, voice hoarse. “And we both know if I get bumped up and put in charge of my own team, and we get together after that, there’ll still be speculation. So you’re right. This ends here.”

She knew he’d understand, but it didn’t make it any easier. “You’re right. We shouldn’t sleep together again either. Better to sever any ties, or it’ll just hurt more in the long run.”

With a big breath that expanded and deflated his chest, he looked at her with such pain, she almost crumbled. Nearly said they could continue on as they had been, just keep it quiet. But that was a cruelty she wouldn’t inflict on him. She needed her team intact, and getting involved with one of them had been stupid on her part.

“Yes, ma’am,” he whispered, and without waiting to be dismissed, he saluted her and stalked off.

She watched him go, wishing like hell the machine in her chest wasn’t locking up. Not one to dwell, she returned to the cabin to find Chris at the kitchen nook and Donnie nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s your evil twin?”

Chris scowled over the large pot of water he coaxed to a boil on the gas stove, the makings of vegetable pasta with red sauce on the miniscule counter. Taking up the chef’s knife, she chopped one of the onions, making quick work of it before it could irritate her eyes. Next were the mushrooms and bell peppers, and she still waited for an answer.

“Corporal. Where is Scanlon?” She set down the knife, not nearly finishing all the chopping.

Chris shrugged. “I don’t know, ma’am,” he said “It’s my turn for dinner rotation, and I didn’t pay attention when he left.”

Like hell you didn’t.
She pivoted on her heel and went in search, and when she found Donnie outside with an armload of kindling for the cabin’s fireplace, she marched over.

“When you dump that load, you’re on dinner prep with West.”

He blanked his expression and did as ordered, taking up the knife on the countertop and moving as far away from Chris as he could reasonably get. His movements were jerky, and she was pretty sure if he kept going that way, he’d cut off a finger.

“Stop.” They both turned, startled. “Put down the knife.” Donnie complied. “Are you listening? Not about to kill each other?”

“Yes,” Chris said, and she hoped he meant they were listening.

“No,” Donnie answered as well, and she figured he meant they weren’t about to kill each other.

“Whatever is going on with you two, I want it figured out by morning. We have to move out there as a team, one mind when we’re on duty, and this—” she gestured between them. “—is not it. Fuck or fight, I don’t care which, but get it resolved before sunup. That’s an order.”

She didn’t stick around to see them turn their stunned expressions from her to each other. Deciding to do her own perimeter check, she left the cabin and began to walk.

“
H
ave you got a minute
, Sarge?” Chris asked, sticking his head out of the cabin to look in Ness’s direction. She was perched on the rough-hewn railing of the small cabin porch, smoking a cigarette.

“Sure, Chris. Pull up a railing.”

Belly full of pasta and vegetables, and a couple hours under her belt since the pain of Roger’s face had tattooed itself in her mind, Ness had more patience for what was coming, and was glad for it. Her earlier orders, fuck or fight, weren’t her most shining moment of leadership, though she’d never admit that aloud.

Chris heaved himself up beside her, and it was a testament to the sturdy craftsmanship of the wood that it didn’t even bow under their combined weight. For a long moment, he didn’t speak, taking his time lighting a cigarette of his own. She waited him out.

“How did you know?” he finally asked.

“That fucking it out was a viable option for you and Donnie to get over whatever this is?” She didn’t pretend to not know what he meant in order to make him repeat it. The shock on both their faces had contained an element of guilt. They both knew what part of her order he was talking about.

“Yeah.”

“Because you’re jealous of the redhead, and it’s plain as day to anyone paying even the slightest bit of attention. You know I watch out for my team.” She shrugged like it was no big deal. “We have to rely on each other. I don’t want something keeping you from relying on him. So if that means you figure out a way to get square again, I don’t care if it gets exorcized through your dick or your fists. Just what I said in the kitchen.”

“I already told him how I feel.”

“And?” she asked, suppressing her internal sigh. She was not a relationship expert, and he was barking up the wrong tree for advice. Still, they were her men, and she’d help where she could.

“And nothing. I told him, I kissed him, he kissed me back, and then he went to bed without telling me what he thinks. I’m still in the dark. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he runs off.”

“How long has it been?”

“Six days.”

“Well then, hoss,” she said, jumping down and patting his knee. “Isn’t that your answer?”

He swallowed and took a long drag of his smoke. “I don’t know. This liking guys thing is new to me. I don’t know the rules.”

“Put it this way. If a girl was waiting on your call, and it was day six, wouldn’t that be her answer?”

He snorted. “Day three would be her answer.” He seemed to realize what he’d said and the cocky smile fell from his lips. “Oh shit,” he murmured. “I feel like an asshole now.”

Rolling her eyes, she leaned beside him. “Or, maybe he needs time to wrap around the idea his
best friend
kissed him. There’s more at stake between you two than some random girl waiting for you to call back, isn’t there?”

“I guess so.”

“I know so. Which is why you two fuckheads need to have a conversation. Tonight. So tomorrow you can do your damn jobs, and I can watch for crossers rather than worrying if you’re going to push him off the mountain.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

That still didn’t seem to be sitting well, so she took a breath and steadied her impatience. “I don’t care if you end up together or not,” she said, not pulling punches. He chuckled, she assumed at her directness. “As long as it doesn’t fuck up the team dynamic, you’re fine. As long as you can keep it compartmentalized, you’re fine. You’re not each other’s supervisors, so there’s no conflict. Just… don’t let it hold you back. Say what you gotta say to him, but do your job, do it well, and we’ll all get along fine.”

“You mean if we end up together, don’t let it become more, is that what you’re saying? Don’t let it get in the way of my career?”

She shrugged. “If that’s the way you want to interpret it, fine. Only you can answer that question, Chris.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, dropping his head. He finished his cigarette, flicked the cherry off the end and stomped on it, then pocketed the butt to take back down the mountain with him. “Thank you.” He lifted his head and gazed at her with determination on his face.

“You’re welcome. Good night, Corporal.”

“Sergeant,” he said with a nod as she moved to her rack to retire.

As she shed her pants and boots, climbing into her bunk in the darkened room in just her t-shirt and underwear, something told her she’d just fucked up. She’d needed Chris to put his job above all else, but doing his job with her on this mountain was one thing. It was all hands on deck, and he’d take it seriously. She had no doubts he’d be Corporal West, competent, stealthy, and lethal come morning. Donnie would, too. By telling Chris not to let his status with Donnie get in the way of his career advancement the same way Roger had done with her, she’d waved a red flag in front of the bull’s nose. She knew how his brain worked, and the quickest way to get Chris West to go after something was to tell him he couldn’t have it.

Shit.

M
inority is about being an individual
. It’s like you have to sift through the darkness to find your place and be that individual you want to be your entire life.

—Billie Joe Armstrong

“
H
EY
,” CHRIS SAID TO THE Donnie-shaped shadow on the edge of Lake Lewis. The night air was cold enough he was glad for his thick BDUs. His boots crunching on the rocky ground was the only sound. Donnie turned to watch his approach with trepidation visible even in the limited light of the half moon. Thunder rumbled in the distance, though they were high enough up, seeing anything over the mountains wasn’t possible. “Relax, I’m not here to fight it out.”

Donnie resumed his gaze over the preternaturally calm waters. “Okay.” That gave Chris nothing to go on, and irritation immediately flared again.

“That’s all? Okay? That’s all you have to say to me?”

“I thought you didn’t want to fight,” Donnie said wearily.

“Well, you’ve been a raging asshole since the night at the cave,” Chris threw out, crossing his arms and standing facing Donnie’s side. Even in his pissiness, Chris couldn’t help but be taken by the profile of the bigger man. Donnie was a slab of granite, including his clenched jaw.

“How have
I
been an asshole?” Donnie demanded.

“Let’s see, you said nothing when I told you I was having these crazy thoughts about you and me together, and then you spent the next six days avoiding me like I was going to give you Ebola if you even looked at me. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Is that my answer?”

“I didn’t realize you’d asked a question,” Donnie said flatly.

“Are you fuck— You can’t be serious,” Chris said, flapping his hands in the air. “I fucking
kissed you,
and you kissed me back, and you don’t think there’s a question in that?”

Donnie shrugged. “Did it occur to you I might need some time to figure things out, too? I mean, you had weeks of pretty princess bitch fits to chew over what you felt before you said something to me.”

Chris glared. “Okay, fine, but now we’re pissing off our sergeant, and we have a couple hours to figure this shit out and get some rack time before duty calls.” He softened his tone to something far less confrontational, though he hated the pleading note that crept into it. “Talk to me, man. What are you thinking? Because you’ve got me terrified I’ve lost my best friend.”

Donnie finally met his gaze, and it was carefully blank. “I’ve been with guys before,” he finally admitted.

“What?” Chris shouted. “Then what’s with you taking your sweet fucking time? Yeah, I had weeks to think about it, but if you’ve already crossed that line, why—” He took a deep breath. “Why did you never tell me?”

“Because our friendship is the real deal, man,” he said. “When the people who were supposed to love me most turned me out when they caught me making out with my tutor in high school, my
male
tutor, I didn’t feel the need to risk my other important relationships.”

Chris stared. “What?”

Donnie tilted his head back. “Weeks away from graduation, I found out I was going to flunk English, but my teacher gave me the chance to write a paper for extra credit. I needed help, so my sister brought a friend from San Diego State to work with me. He was an English major, and my last chance. He read the book I was writing about with me and helped me recognize the important themes and do my outline and whatever. He was hot. One thing led to another, and my mom walked in on us when I had my hand down his pants and his tongue in my mouth. Threw me out right there. My sister wasn’t happy about it, but she helped me hang on until graduation. That paper put me just above failing. I joined the army and never looked back. You already know my home life sucked because my mother was a control freak who cared more about what the neighbors thought than about us as kids, but I didn’t tell you the rest because I was afraid I’d get rejected again. Can’t go through that twice.”

“Okay, I understand that,” Chris started. He clamped his mouth shut to think about the next words before they flew out. Knowing one of his biggest problems was his smart-assed mouth, he didn’t want to fuck up, and he knew he didn’t have a lot of chances to do this. “I get it. It was hard telling you how I felt, and I’m twenty-fucking-five. Out on my own, answer to nobody except Ness and the government. No one can kick me out now, and I live wherever they send me, so I don’t have anything to lose. Except you, Donnie.” He dropped his hands to his sides, trying not to fidget. “Even if you’re not interested, then don’t walk away as my friend. Maybe I handled this all wrong, but I don’t know about this coming out shit. That was always something other people had to deal with.” He waved his hand dismissively.

“No, it’s not,” Donnie said, vehemence in every line of his body as he turned to fully face Chris. “
I
had to deal with it, and it wasn’t pretty. At first, I
couldn’t
tell you, because they’d have discharged me in a red hot minute. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell only ended four years ago, dude.”

Chris did the mental math and conceded the point. “You could have told me. I wouldn’t have done anything but stand by you.”

“Yeah, well,” Donnie snorted, his tone bitter as he looked out over the lake again. “If my mother didn’t stand by me, I couldn’t expect anyone to.”

“Hold up,” Chris barked. “I’m
not
your mother. I’m not just anybody. But Donnie.” He hesitated. “You’re doing to me now what you were so afraid of me doing to you back then. You’ve been avoiding me. You’ve been glaring at me. Acting like you’re disgusted by me. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I kept expecting you to step out of the shadows and clock me.”

“I would never have done that,” Donnie said quietly. “We may not be blood, but we’re brothers.”

“Ugh, that makes the kiss really disturbing, man,” Chris said with a sigh, even if he knew what Donnie meant. “I’m still really confused, though. You were afraid to come out to me, so when I came out to you, you pushed me away. Why? If you didn’t want to lose me, then why am I losing you for the same thing?”

“You’re not losing me, asshole.” Donnie took a step toward him. “When you kissed me, I realized all those times I was afraid you’d find out, that you’d come back into whatever club we’d gone to after you picked up some chick and see me talking up the guy I’d been eyeing all night and catch me, or that you’d come over to my apartment just as a dude was leaving, I didn’t have to be afraid. I was worried for nothing, kept you at a distance for nothing. So much time wasted.”

“You pulled chicks as often as I did, Donnie.”

“Yeah, I like ’em both. If I had to pick though, it’d be guys. I don’t understand girls as much, even if I like being with ’em.”

Chris snuffed a laugh and tried to stifle it. “Who does understand girls?”

“I still don’t know what I want to do about you,” Donnie said, defeated. “Seems like a bad idea, mixing business with pleasure, not to mention what could happen to our friendship if it doesn’t work out.”

“For starters, you can quit being a douchebag.”

“You, too!” Donnie protested. “I wasn’t the only one shooting daggers with my eyes.”

“I was reacting to you!”

“Ugh, you’re impossible,” Donnie groaned. “But whatever, fine. We’ve talked it out. You can report back that Shockwave will be in hive mind like always tomorrow.”

Oh, but they weren’t done. Not to Chris’s satisfaction, anyway. “Nope. We’re going to duke it out once and for all tonight, so plop your ass down on this boulder,” he said, patting a big flat rock the size of a coffee table as he sat on it. “Here, put your back to me. Easier that way.” They leaned on one another, after Donnie finally moved his reluctant feet and did what he was told.

“The last few days, you’ve been thinking about how you wasted time not telling me you’re bi, and that you don’t want to risk our friendship on a relationship.”

“Pretty much,” Donnie said.

“Well, I talked to Sarge tonight, and she all but told me she doesn’t care what we do, as long as it doesn’t evolve into a relationship and jeopardize our chances for advancement.” Chris’s back absorbed Donnie’s warmth, and he kicked his feet up onto the rock to rest his forearms on his knees, leaning back into the solidity of his friend.

“What?” Donnie exclaimed. “That’s bullshit! We’re the same rank, enlisted the same month, and have mirrored each other promotion-wise. The chances of us ever outranking each other for more than a couple weeks, unless one of us fucks up, is pretty slim. By the time we get to NCOIC training, we won’t be in Shockwave anymore anyway.”

“That was my thinking, and you know Ness knows that. I’m trying to figure out why she’d tell me such a thing.”

“She has been weird lately. Maybe she knows we’re going to be split up or something?” Donnie pointed out.

“I doubt it. Why would they set us up on these border sweeps, waste effort by the rangers to help us, only to break us all up and piece us out?” Chris had considered this from as many angles as he could, and nothing made sense. “I’ll tell you one thing. Her saying don’t let something with you get in the way makes me want to go after it harder. It ain’t like other teams aren’t fucking around all over the place.” Well, he knew the co-ed ones were anyway.

“Maybe she’s mad because she ain’t gettin’ any.”

“Does she even
want
to get laid? I mean, come on, it’s not like she has a personal life,” Chris said speculatively. Donnie laughed, the motion transferring to Chris’s back. Tentatively he leaned his head against Donnie’s, his demeanor going from indignant to serious in the span of a couple pounding heartbeats. “I think I’m interested
because
it’s you,” he said, dropping his voice to something more intimate. “I mean, if I’m going into uncharted territory, wouldn’t it make sense I’d want to do it with my best friend?”

Donnie returned the pressure on his head, leaning farther back as well. “Not usually for something like this, Chris. Going to a gay bar, maybe. Getting your first tattoo, sure. Skydiving, hell yes. Fucking your best friend doesn’t usually hit most guys’ fantasies.”

“Did it ever hit yours? I mean before you knew I thought of you like that.” Chris couldn’t help but be curious.

“All the time,” Donnie admitted. “You’re right up my alley, you asshole.”

Chris grinned into the darkness. “Yeah? You have a type?”

“Short, runner’s build, sassy. Though I have to say, you’re more butch than my usual. Sassy sometimes means a bit of a princess.”

“I don’t know if I have a type. Not for guys,” Chris mused, thinking it over. “Apparently overbearing, bitchy women are my type of girl.”

“What would you call those same traits in a guy?” Donnie asked. “I know it’s a double standard, but whatever. It’s just us, so be honest.”

Chris shrugged, then let his head drop to Donnie’s shoulder, and with the loss of resistance, Donnie’s fell to his shoulder, so their ears touched.

“Overbearing and bitchy doesn’t change with the presence or absence of a dick.” But he knew what Donnie was asking and shrugged. “I don’t know. Self-possessed and in control, knows what he wants. Dominant.” At the idea, a shiver raced up his spine. “Not like beat-me-with-a-flogger dominant, though. I mean more commanding. Big presence.”

“Hate to break it to you, buddy, but you’re barking up the wrong tree with me. I’m not the order-giving type in bed.”

Chris’s pulse picked up. “Then how are you in bed?”

“You’ve seen me in action, dude. We’ve shared hotel rooms and brought chicks back on more than one occasion. Hell, we had that threesome that one time.”

A fact of which Chris was well aware. The memories of that night had been his go-to wank material since the idea of fucking Donnie had smashed into his conscious thoughts. With one alteration: Donnie fucked him and the girl between them disappeared.

“Yeah,” he agreed, his voice hoarse. “You’re not selfish in bed. You like making your partner happy. And you may get aggressive, but it’s always when she was begging for more.” That was it. He was hard as the rock on which they sat. Unable to help it, he turned his face toward Donnie’s, his eyelashes brushing Donnie’s stubbled cheek. He fluttered them, deliberately tickling his friend. “Your bed mates always leave with a smile. I mean, the female ones.”

“I try to make sure they all do,” Donnie said, his voice just as croaky as Chris’s.

“I’m going to sit up,” Chris said in warning. He did so, sliding off the rock to walk around and face his friend. “Scoot back.” When he did, Chris climbed onto his lap, straddling him. “I want to try it, sleeping with a guy. I don’t trust just any guy, though, and if there’s one man I know who can make our friendship survive the test, it’s you. But that’s not only why I want to have sex with you.” Donnie’s breath caught, and tentatively, he put his hands on Chris’s thighs and rubbed, possibly wiping his sweaty palms, possibly caressing, probably both. “It’s because you’re a big, tough guy, and you turn me on, make me laugh, have my trust, and are smokin’ hot.” He grinned, hoping Donnie wouldn’t dump him on his ass.

“Oh, is that all?” Donnie coughed.

When he did so, Chris felt the jump in his crotch from the involuntary muscle reaction. Donnie was hard, too, and the sensation, wholly unfamiliar to Chris, hadn’t even registered. He pressed his hips down, bringing their tumescent flesh together. Donnie groaned and wound his arms around Chris’s waist, pulling him closer. Chris looked down into that shadowed face and knew the minute he’d climbed on the rock, he was a goner. This time, when their lips met, Donnie didn’t need a second to register what was happening, and his tongue plunged into Chris’s mouth, snapping the tension that had been building between them for days.

I guess we’re going to fuck it out,
Chris thought gleefully as Donnie lay back on the flat rock, and Chris descended with him, their lips fused together. He shamelessly humped into Donnie’s dick, so beyond turned on, he wouldn’t have been surprised if he rutted to completion doing nothing more than they were now. What stopped him was not wanting to have the mess in his BDUs. Donnie’s hands on his ass squeezed, and when his cheeks parted—an entirely unfamiliar sensation since girls tended to go for his dick—need washed over him, and he gasped.