Read The Lingering Dead Online
Authors: J. N. Duncan
The Lingering Dead (33 page)
Shelby laughed. “You're trying too hard, babe. There's only one thing our cowboy would like for Christmas, and that is you.”
Jackie felt heat flushing into her face. “You're all bitches, you know that? Totally unfair.”
“Hey,” Shelby said, grinning ear to ear, “when you forget a Christmas, you're indebted for life.”
“OK, I get it,” Jackie replied. “I'll figure something out. What about you guys? What do you all want for Christmas? And don't you make me come up with shit out of thin air. Give me ideas.”
“Go to Ethereal Lane,” Cynthia said. “Anything you find there will be lovely.”
“I'll make it easy on you,” Shelby said. “Go to Ernesto'sâyou know the place?”
Jackie nodded. “Yeah, hard to forget.”
“Tell Ernesto that Ms. Fontaine would like a bottle of his glorious red. He'll know what you mean.”
“I can do that.” Jackie looked up from the sofa at Laurel, who smiled affectionately at her, and Jackie's positive mood plummeted into the muck of memory. “Laur? I'm sorry. I have no clue. I wish I could get you something.”
“I don't need anything except what's here right now,” she said. “That's enough.”
No, it was not enough. Jackie knew exactly what she wanted, seeing how Laurel looked at Shelby when Shelby's smile turned upon her.
“Love you, baby,” Shelby said and blew Laurel a little kiss. It was as close as they could get without crossing over, but even that was not quite there for them.
Watching Laurel blow the kiss back, Jackie had an abrupt flash of what she would give Laurel for Christmas.
“What, hon?” Laurel looked at her curiously. “What's that look for?”
Jackie smiled. “Nothing. Just figured out your Christmas present, I think.”
“Oh! What is it?”
She laughed. “Really? No way I'm answering that. Besides I'm not sure I can pull it off, so we'll have to wait and see.”
Shelby pursed her lips at Jackie's words. “Now I'm intrigued. What could Ms. Anti-holiday have in store for you, sweetie? A shiny, ripe apple perhaps?”
Jackie chuckled along with them at that. She had it coming. “Up yours. Maybe I'll change my mind now, if you're going to give me shit about it.”
“Can't go back on it now,” Shelby said pointedly. “It's out there. You put it out there, so you have to get it.”
“Yeah, we'll see how it goes,” Jackie said.
God help me.
God help me.
Chapter 32
The Thatcher's Mill case had come to a close, as much as they were concerned with it anyway. There would still be questions asked, but reports had been filed, and the Omaha branch was now handling anything on the FBI's end of things. Margolin had become respectfully quiet about the entire affair. Perhaps the broken jaw would keep him quiet for a long time.
Tillie prescribed Jackie some sleep medication for the Nix nightmares, and offered her sympathies, but as Jackie suspected, there really was no relief from such a violation other than time. The nightmares would fade and time would heal at least that part of her wounded psyche. Meanwhile, Jackie got to wait for Nix's eventual return when she was deemed ready, whatever the hell that was. The nightmares would never end until that day arrived, and Jackie was not sure which would be worse.
Nick called every day to check on her, since they were doing nothing Special Investigations related until after the holiday. No, there was no sign of Nix. No, she did not feel like doing much of anything besides letting life settle back down so she could regather herself. He made it quite clear that he would be more than happy to help her settle things back down, but Jackie only thanked him and took a rain check.
Shelby took her shopping every other day it seemed. The woman was a Christmas whore, likely responsible for keeping half the businesses in Chicago afloat during the holiday season. She had a list of people to shop for and things to buy that must have been three pages long. Jackie was sure that Shelby only brought her along to help carry the bags out to her car when done. Still, after a while, Jackie found times when it was actually fun, and Shelby made sure to give her no end of shit for it.
Shopping with Nick for Shelby and Cynthia was a one-day affair and may have been on Jackie's list as a top five best days of her life. They went to six area spas, testing out services from each, and by the time they were done, Jackie was loose, relaxed, scrubbed, buffed, exfoliated, and smelling better than she likely had in her entire life. They stopped by Ernesto's for dinner, where they were fawned over like royalty, and Jackie was sure they would walk out somehow engaged. At the end of the night, though, Jackie chose to go home instead of accepting Nick's invitation to come over, where the inevitable expectation to stay the night would occur, and Jackie would have to figure out how to have sex without freaking out again.
For his part, Nick did not pressure her at all. He seemed all too happy to spend the time together that they did, but the subtle interest was made apparent on a regular basis with an arm on the shoulder or a squeeze on the hand or if they had dinner, the kiss goodnight at the end. It was in those moments that Jackie knew his interest was not going anywhere. Nor was hers, for that matter, but her reluctance made her feel guilty. Nick deserved something. At some point she would have to suck it up and either try again or just break it off. She could not leave him dangling in the wind. It would not be fair. And as much as her cowardly self wished to tuck tail and run, Jackie had a feeling Shelby might actually track her down and kill her for it..
Tillie had told her, during their talk about her nightmares, that the less she worried about it, thought about it, and stressed over it, the sooner she would feel capable and want to try again. Problem with that, of course, was that every time she was alone with Nick doing anythingâfilling up the car with gas, having a beer, or helping him clean the damn kitchen after cooking her a mealâthe thought was lingering there in the background. Jackie figured it would get to the point where her wants overcame her nerves. She hoped.
Also on her mind was her Christmas present idea for Laurel. She didn't know how it would work or if Laurel would even want it, but it was the best thing she could think of doing for her and something Laurel deserved, which made it an ideal gift. By any normal standards of gift giving, however, it was an absurd present. When she ran the idea by Cynthia a week before Christmas Eve, when it was only them in the office, Cynthia started bawling.
“Oh, Mother of us all! That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard,” she had cried out and jumped out of her chair to hug Jackie. “You have to do it. You have to!”
“It's not weird?” Jackie wondered. “I mean, it's me, not her.”
She shook her head. “Won't matter one bit.” Cynthia plucked a Kleenex out of the box on her desk and dabbed at her eyes. “That's the best gift ever. It'll only ... will you be able to tune things out if you want?”
Jackie shrugged. “I can, for the most part.”
“But what ifâ”
“Yeah, I know. That might be awkward,” Jackie said.
“Hmm.” Cynthia rubbed at her chin in thought for a moment. “Next time Laurel is with you, we should work on that. I can help you work on blocking it all out. You need to learn how anyway, in case something like what happened before happens again.”
“Yeah?” Not that she hoped anything like being filled with ghosts would happen again, but it would likely be good to get better at handling these problems before they occurred again. “Thanks, Cyn.”
“Hey, we're a team. We work together and all that stuff.” She smiled at Jackie. “So, how about Nick? Any plans yet for Christmas?”
“Not really,” she replied. “Still working on it.”
Cynthia waved Jackie off. “Not to worry. You've still got a whole week to figure it out.”
Jackie offered a feeble smile. It might as well have been a month or a year for all the great ideas she had not come up with so far.
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The days leading up to Christmas Eve were thankfully occupied for Jackie. She decided to do a little prep work for the new year, and continued to sort, classify, and eliminate leads from the FBI files. Cynthia spent the afternoons with her and Laurel working on blocking out, which became easier each day, but regardless of how much effort she put into it, she could not completely block out Laurel's presence. The best she could get was a barely audible murmur, but it was a far cry better than the difficulties she had handling the girls in her head from before.
Shelby had a tree put up in the reception area of the office, and stocked it full of presents, which they took the Friday before Christmas to open, while drinking rum eggnog and listening to classic carols. It was odd, but it kind of felt like family, or as close to one as Jackie was likely to get. She left for the weekend feeling warm, full, and humming Sinatra. When was the last time she had felt good enough to hum a song? Shelby was rubbing off on her.
Saturday was an FBI office party that Jackie felt a little weird attending, but it was wonderful to see everyone, even with the difficulty explaining what she had been doing with her time away. Thankfully, most everyone there wanted to keep the conversations as far away from work as possible. Toward the end of it, Tillie pulled Jackie aside and handed her a small, wrapped gift.
“It's just a little something,” she said. “I saw it while I was shopping the other day and thought of you.”
Jackie took the small box. “Tillie, I didn't get you anything.”
“Not expected or needed, dear,” she replied. “I just wish you a pleasant and wonderful Christmas, and hope the best for you.”
She smiled. “Thank you. You didn't really need to get me anything.”
“Only people I care about,” she said. “Now, go on, open it.”
The wrapping was crisp and pristine, white with gold embossed little wreaths, and done up with thin, gold ribbon, flowered up into little curlicues on top. Jackie could hardly bear to open the box. “It's so perfectly wrapped. Did you do this?”
She grinned, cheeks rosy from the evening's drinks. “Hidden talent.”
Jackie chuckled. The woman could probably do anything perfectly if she set her mind to it. Trying to be careful, she pulled the ribbon off and tried not to tear the paper while Tillie huffed at her impatiently. Inside was a black, velvet jewelry box. Inside, Jackie found a simple, carved crystal hung from a silvery chain.
Tillie laid a hand upon Jackie's arm. “Now, I know you don't really wear jewelry, dear, but I was hoping you might reconsider. This is an amethyst; it's a stone of protection, healing dreams, and transformation. I thought it might suit you. And, I had it strung from a platinum chain, for strength of course.”
Laurel drifted over and gasped. “Blessed Mother. Tillie got you an amulet of protection! Oh, that sweet woman. Hug her for me.”
She gave Laurel a sidelong glance but thanked Tillie and hugged her, whose embrace was soft and warm, and Jackie felt a rather large lump in her throat she had to swallow down. Six months ago, she would have scoffed at such a gift and stuffed it in a drawer somewhere out of sight and out of mind. Now? Who the hell knew? It just might give her some added protection and healing dreams, and God knew she needed them.
“It's just what I needed, I think,” she said, hoping not to sound choked-up. “You want to put it on?”
She held up the necklace to her, and Tillie took it. “Gladly, dear.” She stepped around and strung it around Jackie's neck, clipping it behind. “Wear it well, and I pray it works for you.”
Jackie took a deep breath and let it out slowly to keep the tears from spilling over. “Me too. Thank you, Tillie. It means a lot, really.”
“Such a wonderful woman,” Laurel said. “Wish her Merry Christmas for me.”
She did, and whether it was because Tillie's gift had made her feel so good or if it was the amulet itself, Jackie slept peacefully that night for the first time in weeks.
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The day of Christmas Eve, Jackie was a bundle of nerves. She had to turn down a quiet dinner with Nick so she could deal with Laurel's present, but without telling them why, her decision had annoyed them both. Other than telling Laurel the present was personal, she was not going to give either of them the satisfaction of ruining the surprise, even if it ended up being a bad idea. It was a gift Jackie felt she had to give regardless of whether it was accepted or not. Laurel deserved no less.
By the time dinner came around, Jackie downed the first glass of wine within five minutes. She nearly dropped the glass because her palms were so damp.
“Babe, what's the deal?” Shelby asked, standing before her after setting a dish of candied yams on the table. “You blow off Christmas Eve dinner with Nick to bring Laur and me a present, and you show up without a gift in hand, and you're more jittery than a seventeen-year-old on prom night.”
Jackie grabbed the bottle of wine off the table and poured herself another glass. She laughed nervously. “Yeah, I know. The present is ... um, special, and I don't know if you two will want it or think it's just a crazy-stupid idea or something.”
The perfectly plucked eyebrows arched with curiosity. “Really.” Shelby pulled out one of the dining room chairs and sat down. “OK, then, let's get this out of the way so we can enjoy our dinner, because having you like this all evening will drive me bananas. Laur? Oh, there you are.” She had come out from the kitchen at the sound of their conversation.
“I'm here,” she replied. “So, what's the big surprise, hon? I've been excited all week, and Cynthia has been a total ass taunting us with it.”
“I even threatened to take her presents away, but she refused,” Shelby said. “Bitch would not crack one bit, so this must be good.”
Jackie smiled and took another large gulp of wine. She held the glass with both hands to keep it from shaking. One would have thought after all of the shit she had been through that something like this would be cake.
“Laur,” she said, “you've been my best friend for almost ten years, and I can't say that, during that time, I was as good a friend for you as you have been for me.”
“Oh, nonsense,” she said. “That'sâ”
“Stop,” Jackie said. “It's true. I'll admit it. Hell, I was probably a downright bitch half the time, too self-absorbed in my own shit to care about the person who has been there for me through everything, good and bad. I never really realized until you were, you know, gone, what you meant to my life, how you kept me sane and whole. Without you, I'd have been kicked out of the FBI a long time ago.”
“You're too good an agent toâ”
“Let me finish,” Jackie interrupted again. “I owe you more than anything in this world.” She wiped at the tears pooling up. “And I never really had a chance to give you what you deserved.” The tears began to fall, and she finally gave up trying to keep them at bay. “Hell. I knew this would happen.”
Shelby leaned forward and grabbed Jackie's hand. “Babe, it's all good.”
She shook her head. “No, not really. My best friend is dead. I couldn't save you Laur, and I have to live with that every day for the rest of my life. But,” she said, sniffling, and Shelby handed her a napkin from the table, “thanks. I do have one thing I can give you though, the only thing I actually have to give you.”
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