The Lighter Side of Life and Death (8 page)

“What?” Kat asks, a crease forming between her eyes.

“Nothing.” I put my elbows up on the table as I look at her. “It just feels like things are finally getting back to normal with us.”

“Normal?” Kat’s voice is tense. Her eyes hurl me a warning.

I’ve been too deep into the conversation to realize this is something we shouldn’t be talking about so freely in front of our friends. Now I lower my voice and add, “Well, yeah, you know. It’s like you’ve been mad at me lately.”

Suddenly I can feel Sondra’s and Michelle’s gazes on me from across the table. Jamie’s watching too, and Kat’s cheeks are turning deep pink. “Why would I be mad at you?” she demands.

“It doesn’t make any sense to me,” I admit. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Kat insists. “That’s crazy.”

“I don’t get it,” Jamie cuts in, peering at the two of us. “What’s going on with you guys?”

“Nothing,” Kat replies definitively.

“Don’t worry about it,” I say at the same time. “No big thing.” And because that seems to demand still further explanation, I tack on, “Something stupid I said.”

Kat’s jaw has dropped and I immediately know referring to that Saturday night as “no big thing” was a critical mistake, even if I was trying to camouflage my earlier lack of discretion. The last thing I ever want to do is make her feel bad about what happened, and even with everyone watching and listening, I just can’t let that situation stand.

“I didn’t mean
‘no big thing,’
” I apologize as she stares down at the table.

But every time I try to fix this it just makes things more wrong. Kat’s angry gaze swings back to me and I know I’ve stepped over the line again. One minute I feel like I can finally relax and the next she’s ready to tear my head off. Her entire face is red and her fingernail’s digging into her thumb. If we could turn down the cafeteria background noise you’d hear her blood boiling.

I stop talking altogether, drum my fingers on the table and try to look harmless. Unfortunately Kat’s not having it. She jumps out of her chair and heads for the exit, Sondra and Michelle five steps behind her.

“What did you do?” Jamie asks hotly.

“I didn’t do anything.” Jamie’s probably never heard me sound more serious but he’s shooting me this awful look, like he’s caught me torturing his nonexistent pet rabbit.

“She wouldn’t do that for nothing.” Jamie gestures to the exit. Seconds later a spark of recognition lights up his eyes and I’d rather skip this next part but Jamie’s already there. He slumps back in his chair, his mouth slack. “Fuck me,” he says quietly. He wraps his hands around the back of his neck and stares at me. “It was the night of the party, wasn’t it?”

I don’t deny it. I don’t speak.

“Holy shit,” Jamie whispers.

“We’re not going to talk about this, Jamie,” I command. Close as the three of us are, this is between Kat and me alone. I should never have opened my mouth about it within earshot of anyone else.

“Why am I the last to know everything?” he snaps, eyes bloodshot.

“You’re not.” Is that why he’s mad? I thought it was because of Kat. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”

“Of course you do.” Jamie scowls. “You’d be exactly the same in my place.”

That’s not true. I wouldn’t be happy but I’d keep my mouth shut about it.

“Why’s she so mad at you?” Jamie continues. His face is contorted into this weird aggressive mask that gets my back up. It’s not like he had a chance with Kat; it’s not like we fucked him over somehow. “What’d you do to her?”

It’s such a nasty accusation that I could almost hit him for it. Who does he think he’s talking to?

“What did you do?” he repeats, and this time it’s more of a whine but my pulse is racing. The back of my neck’s twitching too
and I drop my jaw and stare at him. We’ve known each other forever and I’ve never been angrier with him than I am at this exact moment.

“You need to calm down, Jamie.” My voice has an edge to it that’d cut you clean in half. “You need to stay out of it. Whatever did or didn’t happen has nothing to do with you and you should know …” I drop to a whisper. “I’d never do anything to Kat that she didn’t want.”

I shove my chair back and get to my feet. Jamie looks away. Meanwhile Y and Z are pretending not to notice what’s going down and I stride out of the cafeteria and along the hall, my right hand clenched into a fist. Out in the fresh air a couple guys are playing Frisbee behind the parking lot and I stand around and watch them for a couple minutes. One of the guys has taken his shoes off and I swear, he’s like a frigging Jedi Master with the Frisbee, a complete natural. It calms me down a little to see.

I don’t want to think about what Jamie just said to me and I don’t want to replay Kat’s exit. I don’t want to do anything except stand here watching these guys play Frisbee until everything goes back to normal.

Then this senior girl with straight black hair and punk boots stalks out and stands next to me. I don’t know her name but she squints at me and says, “You were in that school play a few weeks ago. That was you, right? The guy with the dead brother.”

“That was me.” It’s weird but just the fact of her mentioning it makes me feel like I know her.

“That was a pretty cool play. You were good.” She sounds surprised but I thank her anyway. Then I go back inside because I can’t concentrate on watching Frisbee with her staring at me and I’m not in the mood to talk. The feeling reminds me of yesterday with Colette and as soon as I start thinking about that I begin to feel like
a different person. I don’t have to let myself get dragged into this stupid romantic triangle drama with Kat and Jamie. They can play it out without me if they want to that bad, but I want something else. The possibility gives me a rush of adrenaline that I feel all the way down to my kneecaps.

It’s the kind of secret you want to be alone with, and after school I head straight home. The TV’s on in the basement and I jog downstairs to say hi to Brianna and Burke. Brianna’s watching that talk show
The Doctors
and Burke’s balancing a book on his knees while he munches away on a potato chip sandwich.

“Hey, guys,” I say. “What’s up?”

“Hi, Mason,” Burke says, grinning up at me. Orange crumbs are wedged up between his teeth. The chips must be barbecue or ketchup.

Brianna doesn’t answer. Her eyes barely leave the screen.

“Can he watch this?” I ask her. Isn’t
The Doctors
all breast cancer discussions, sex advice and plastic surgery?

“We watch
Yu-Gi-Oh!
in the commercials,” Burke offers.
Like that sounds fair
.

“He’s not watching it anyway,” Brianna says dryly, pointing to Burke’s book.

“Yeah, I get it.” My eyebrows pull together.

Brianna gives me this lethal look and yanks her feet up onto the couch with her. “Do you want to watch something?” she asks. “Is that what it is?”

This time it’s me who doesn’t answer. I scratch at my knuckles and tap Burke on the shoulder. “Can I try that?”

A single chip falls onto the couch as he hands over the sandwich. I take a bite, chewing noisily. “Ketchup,” I announce. “That’s not bad.”

“Pickle is good too,” Burke tells me, and all the while Brianna’s
sitting there, fuming like her head’s going to burst. It’s almost funny. I can’t even be mad at her; she’s just too obvious.

“Don’t worry,” I say to her. “I’ll let you know when I want to watch something, Brianna.” She nods absently, refusing to tear her gaze away from the TV. “I’m going out,” I add. “Tell Nina for me.”

Brianna nods again and I retrace my steps through the house and into the street. It’s a spur-of-the-moment thing, but now that I’m going it seems preordained. Colette’s been on my mind all day long. She feels like a compulsion. A day-old compulsion that’s already gaining strength. I don’t even care if it’s crazy; I just want to catch another glimpse of her. I need something to counteract my shitty afternoon.

I keep walking until I hit downtown Glenashton. Colette’s travel agency is just on the other side of the traffic lights but that’s not an option. She’d be surrounded by coworkers and I’d come off looking like some kind of weirdo. Instead I nip into JB, order a latte, sit by the window and hope Christopher isn’t working today.

The latte’s cold and all but gone by five o’clock and maybe Colette doesn’t stop in every day after work like I’m counting on. The good news is that Chris isn’t around either. At ten after, I decide to stick around for another twenty minutes, and five minutes later Colette slips through the front door and walks straight past me, her high-heel shoes making a sticky, clicking noise on the tile floor.

I could take off now and she’d never know I was here. No, she’s spotted me. She stares at me from her spot at the counter and she doesn’t like what she sees. I flash her a wave but she turns swiftly back towards the counter like she can’t make me disappear fast enough. This is the effect I have on the opposite sex these days. Why did this seem like such a genius idea an hour ago?

I gulp down the last of my coffee and stare at Colette’s legs. She’s wearing pants today and I have to fill in her thighs and calves
with my imagination. I’m so nervous that I forget everything I was going to say to her. I’ve never stalked anyone before; how do people do this?

Colette starts towards me with her coffee, her eyes hardening as they focus on mine. She stands stiffly by my table and says, “Should I be surprised to see you again?”

I relax my jaw as I glance up at her. She’s tense enough for both of us. “You want to sit down?” I ask, keeping my voice casual.

Colette bows her head and tightens her grip on her coffee cup. “I don’t want to be rude, Mason, but this is getting strange.”

“Or I just happen to be enjoying a coffee here where my friend works.” Her face falls like she’s made a terrible mistake and suddenly I can’t take it. If someone has to feel like an idiot, I’d sooner it be me. “Okay,” I add abruptly. “That’s not entirely true. A friend of mine does work here but running into you isn’t a coincidence.”

Colette takes a breath as she looks into my eyes. “I don’t know what to think of you. Don’t you have a girlfriend at school?”

“Not really.”

She folds one arm in front of her waist and gives me this crooked stare—angry, sexy and more than a little mysterious. That look makes it hard for me to keep my hands to myself. “You do realize that I’m almost twenty-four and you’re sixteen?” she says wryly.

I can do the math. “You think I’m being an ass.” Or that I’m being cute with my big-girl crush. I don’t know which is worse.

“I didn’t say that,” she says impatiently. “It’s just not workable. You seem like a really cool guy and all.” Her hand flies off her waist and settles at her side. “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea yesterday. That was impulsive of me—and stupid.” She shrugs her shoulders and glances at the door. “I didn’t want you to feel bad but I guess I took things too far in the other direction.”

I know I look disappointed. I could put up a good front, but why veer away from honesty now?

“I’m sorry,” she says again. She takes a single step away from the table, swivels on her heels and adds, “I can still give you a ride if you need one. We don’t need to be awkward about this, do we?”

“It feels pretty awkward to me,” I say. “I feel like a complete ass.”

“Stop saying that,” Colette insists. “Okay, I was slightly spooked seeing you here again but that has a lot to do with me too. I know what I did yesterday could’ve been construed as encouragement. This is partly my fault.”

Maybe. “I don’t need a ride,” I tell her. “It’s okay.”

“Man.” Colette licks her lips. “Now I feel bad.”

“You’re a monster,” I kid. “You should feel bad.” This is the thing with her. The more I see her, the more I want to tease her until we’re rolling around on the floor, stripping off each other’s clothes. It’s a normal enough feeling; I’ve just never had it this intense before.

We smile at each other and I get that vibrating sensation in the back of my throat, like I can’t trust my words to come out right. “I don’t even believe you,” Colette lectures, eyes gleaming. “You never stop.”

“I do,” I say. “Don’t worry. I’m fine. You’ve got a hyperactive guilt complex.”

“I know it.” Colette nods. “So we’re okay, right? No hard feelings or future chance meetings?”

“Okay,” I say seriously. Colette glances down at my empty coffee cup and before she can change her mind and revoke her offer I add, “I’m done here. Maybe I’ll take that ride after all, if it’s cool with you?”

“Sure.” It could be my imagination but her voice sounds shrill.

My legs feel shaky as I walk with her. I’m not at all sure
something’s going to happen this time but the vibes are sparking some thing wild. I can hardly think what to say. By the time I figure it out we’re in the parking lot, approaching her car. “I didn’t mean to make you mad,” I tell her. “I just really wanted to see you again.” We stop right behind her Echo. “But don’t worry; I’m not going to turn into some crazy guy that follows you around everywhere. If you see me around it’s just coincidence from now on, I promise.” Following her around after this would be creepy, and she’s only a twenty-four-hour compulsion, after all. Quitting can’t be impossible.

“I know,” Colette says. “It’s okay, Mason.” Her fingers close loosely around my wrist.

My other hand reaches instinctively for her hip and she yanks her body away, instantly creating this gaping forbidden zone between us. “Okay,” I say with a nervous laugh. “Do I have to apologize for that now too? Am I getting this all wrong?” I hold my hands up helplessly. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Colette.”

I’m genuinely confused. And my hand wants nothing more than to zing back into place on her hip. I can’t think my way through this. I’m like a caveman trying to figure out crosswalk signals.

“I think you do. I think maybe that’s the problem.” Colette’s headlong stare makes my jaw drop.

I knew it. Jesus
. I gaze off into the parking lot, my mind filling up with memories of that night with Kat. I wonder what kind of underwear Colette’s wearing; I wonder how else it would be different. She’s so much older than me.