The Life and Second Life of Charlie Brackwood (The Brackwood Series Book 2) (16 page)

“Hello, Lucy,” I said.

Chapter Thirteen

I crawled beneath the branches and into the dry cocoon that concealed Lucy. She shuffled over to make room for me, but the lack of space caused my elbow to touch hers in an awkward manner. She looked at me in irritation.

“What are you doing here?”

“Trying to find you.”

She crossed her arms over her chest in an attempt to warm herself against the cold breeze I’d let in. “How did you know I would be here?”

Only Lucy and I knew this place existed. How was it possible that Adam had traced her here?

“Russ mentioned it, he said you liked to visit here sometimes.”

There was the slight raise of an eyebrow but she did not query my answer. I breathed a silent sigh of relief. Perhaps she had brought him here after my death.

“I suppose he told you then?”

“He came by the cottage, he was worried. Are you all right?”

Knowing how much Lucy hated pity, I tried to prevent concern from showing in my voice and refrained from telling her how sorry I was. I was aware it would only leave her feeling worse.

“I don’t know really.” She avoided eye contact. “I expected it and they’ve been warning me for weeks now but I think I’ve just been ignoring the warnings.”

“Pretending everything’s fine?”

She clasped her hands together and looked at them.

“Yeah. Someone once told me that I don’t have a very good coping mechanism. That I need a hobby to distract my mind.”

I remembered the day I had told her that; it was on the car journey home from the hospital in Bath, the day after she’d overdosed in her last year at university.

“It might help to talk about it.”

She smiled at me shyly.

“I’m not very good at that, I’m afraid.”

I nodded and kept quiet. After a few minutes’ silence I ducked underneath the drooping leaves to pick an allium. The flower was a perfect lilac-coloured sphere and I almost regretted removing it from its happy spot amongst the other blooms.

Just as I had done on the day of our engagement, I handed the allium to Lucy. She took it without looking at me but managed a grateful smile. As she looked at the allium her gaze was steady and I wondered whether she was thinking about me or Jamie.

“Jamie liked flowers. He didn’t care what variety they were, they just had to be red. Occasionally I’d buy him a single rose if I passed a florist’s.” Her smile faded and she paused before she said, “I don’t even know what funeral flowers he would’ve wanted.”

“Try not to worry about that yet,” I said gently.

She clasped her hands on her lap before turning to face me. She studied my features as though I were a poker player contemplating my next move.

“What you must think of me,” she said with some regret.

I tried hard to keep my feelings hidden as she continued speaking.

“Trying it on with Russ one minute, being rejected by you the next, all while my husband lay dying in a hospital bed.” She picked at a patch of grass and twisted a few strands in her fingers. “I watched the footage of Russ and me, I know how it looks.”

I hated seeing the look on her face as she spoke. .

“I was ashamed when I saw it. It was a real low point for me. You see, Russ has always had strong feelings for me, though I only realised it when Charlie died. I’ve been pushing him away for years.” She wiped away a tear. “And then not long after I married Jamie, Russ told me he was getting back together with his ex and suddenly I wasn’t important to him anymore. I found myself in a loveless marriage – a false marriage really – and it was a lonely feeling. I needed Russ to care about me… I wanted to feel important to someone.”

I avoided eye contact but nodded as she talked, while resisting the urge to ask questions that might lead her to clam up.

“Later, I told myself that my urge to throw myself at my friend came from a lack of human contact, a need for intimacy, but I don’t really know what triggered it. I dragged him into the treehouse and ripped at his clothes like a madwoman.” She sounded disgusted with herself. “The thought that he would reject me never even crossed my mind.” She looked at me. “And that’s exactly what I did to you too.”

Her eyes shone with tears.

“A man I hardly know but who seems to know me. I seem to be everybody’s bad choice these days.”

The rain began to fall in earnest then and I watched the fat droplets explode on the baked earth beyond the fringe of willow branches

“Not Charlie’s,” I said confidently.

She made an exasperated sound with her lips.

“For all I know, he threw himself into that river just to be free of me.”

“You know that’s not true, Luce.”

“I don’t know what’s true anymore.”

She reached into the pocket of her denim shorts.

“I continued searching through the documents in Jamie’s study after you left. I found this.”

She passed me a folded piece of paper.

“Read it.”

Dearest Jamie,

I am in awe at the fact that a small scrap of paper scrawled with your words and in your handwriting can cause me so much joy. Such a small thing, a fleeting gesture, but now an important part of my day-to-day life.

I’m not going to pretend I’m happy, that everything worked out, that my worries were for nothing. Prison is everything you imagine it to be: frightening, lonely and full of false hope. The worst thing about being incarcerated isn’t having the door slammed on your freedom and your future, but having to disguise the person you are for the sake of your own safety.

As I write this I feel like myself again, I can finally emerge from my false cocoon – my provider of protection – and wear my beautiful wings again. Already I’m being asked why I don’t have posters of the latest pin-up on my walls and I’m afraid it won’t be long before my secret is unleashed and I become the focus of their hatred and bigotry. I have to stay strong and remind myself why I’m here. I did this for you and, as much as I hate it here, I know in my heart that my sacrifice is worth it.

So I will continue to wear my disguise, a charade that brings me so much pain. However, my faith is strong and I know that somehow I
will
get through this.  

Counting down the days until I see you again.

All my love,

Kevin

I read the letter twice and then slowly folded it along the worn edges, an indication that the letter had been opened and read many times before. I turned to Lucy, who looked drained and exhausted.

“I don’t understand. Is Kevin a friend of Jamie’s?”

“I’ve no idea, he’s never mentioned him.”

“The part that says ‘I did this for you’… what do you think that means?”

Lucy shook her head and rubbed her eyes tiredly.

“Do you think Kevin committed a crime for Jamie?”

“I really don’t know. I can’t find any more letters from him.”

I stared at the address in the top right-hand corner, which stated that the sender was incarcerated in Leeds Prison.

“There’s only one way to find out.”

Lucy’s eyes met mine.

“Visit him?” she suggested.

“Exactly.”

We fell into a comfortable silence as we pondered the mystery surrounding Lucy’s husband, a well-respected professional. Something about her marriage had always concerned me. I took a deep breath and asked the question that had been on my mind since my return.

“Did you love Jamie?”

Lucy looked me straight in the eye.

“No,” she whispered.

I watched as she drew her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms around them, making herself as small as possible.

“But then, he didn’t love me either,” she said sadly.

I showed no reaction as she spoke, but secretly I was shocked. How could she marry someone for whom she had no feelings?

“It was a marriage of convenience. His parents were pushing him to marry, I was lonely. I guess it was the loneliness that made me listen to him, and he knew I’d agree to his arrangement. At first his parents liked me, were kind to me. After all, I live in a big house, have a respectable job, I’m well educated and mild mannered. But when they found out that I’d been engaged previously and that the house I lived in belonged to my ex-fianc
é
, I guess they felt cheated. Like I was pretending to be someone I’m not. My relationship with them soured. I guess there were too many skeletons in my closet for them to handle.”

She scraped back her hair so I could see her face clearly.

“Jamie and I led separate lives, we slept in separate rooms, ate separately… when he wasn’t at work, of course, which was most of the time. Our lives barely crossed. I didn’t feel like a married woman, or someone who had a husband who cared for her, and in the end, a marriage that was supposed to ease my loneliness ended up creating more.”

I thought back to the footage I’d seen of Lucy and Russ, that desperate kiss in the garden. I remembered the figure watching them and the lack of concern on Jamie’s face.

“Did he have girlfriends?”

“No.”

“You didn’t know Kevin but did the letter come as a surprise to you?”

She turned to look at me and I could see she was analysing, determining whether I was trustworthy. After a while she gave me her answer.

“I always knew Jamie was gay.”

Chapter Fourteen

As the days went by I saw less of Lucy. She was working hard preparing for Jamie’s funeral and the most I saw of her was the odd glimpse as she gazed gravely out of the kitchen window. I continued with the work on the treehouse but she was never far from my thoughts.

The shock of her statement about her marriage had stayed with me. She had married a stranger out of pure loneliness. I also wondered how the truth about her marriage had bypassed Russ. Wasn’t he supposed to be keeping an eye on her?

The day of Jamie’s funeral was very different from my own. There were no dark clouds threatening to dampen the congregation and no loud rumbles from above. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky as I entered the church and, once inside, I noticed that many of the mourners were fanning themselves with the order of service. The heat was intense and a cause for general complaint

As I looked around for Lucy I noticed many members of Jamie’s family huddled around his parents. They spoke in hushed tones and were all dressed in expensive-looking attire. The ladies wore large black hats and I observed that many were wearing dark sunglasses, which seemed out of place in an already gloomy building. Jamie’s parents seemed bowed down with grief as they eventually took their seats on the front row.

As I turned towards the back of the church I saw Russ in his usual spot, a seat he would occupy during every wedding and funeral that required his presence. He was half in shadow and so I was only able to identify him when he gave me a small nod. I decided to join him in the shadows and watch the proceedings from afar.

“Hey, bud,” Russ said as I sat down.

“I feel awkward being here, I didn’t know him,” I said.

“Well, I did, and you didn’t miss much.”

I felt suddenly glad of our secluded seats in the shadows, out of earshot of Jamie’s family. I also felt ashamed of my best friend. It was obvious that he and Jamie were anything but close. However, badmouthing a man at his own funeral seemed a bit extreme.

I chose to stay quiet and when Russ’s head turned quickly I knew that Lucy had entered the church. I glanced towards the entrance and saw her long dark wavy hair before I saw her face. She was wearing a modest sleeveless black dress that was tailored and moulded perfectly to her small frame. Her hair hung loose and covered her face so that she avoided eye contact with those around her.

After the first hymn was out of the way, a few words were said by Jamie’s elder brother. I half listened to tales of skiing trips and examples of adolescent competitiveness during their time at boarding school together; stories meant to incite laughter and affection failed to engage my full attention.

My full focus was on Lucy, as it had been for most of my life and death. She sat with her hands clasped in her lap and her head bowed. I noticed I wasn’t the only one watching her. Jamie’s parents were also keeping their eye on Lucy, but something told me it wasn’t out of concern for her welfare.

After Jamie’s brother had said his piece, we all stood for another hymn before the vicar said a few words and then a prayer. As we followed the coffin out of the church to the graveyard I noticed a man dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt. He was accompanied by a man in police uniform. It was only when I moved closer that I realised the man was handcuffed.

As I observed the man, I saw Jamie’s brother approach him and a heated exchange ensued. It was clear from the man’s expression that the exchange had upset him. As he left my field of vision I looked up to see Lucy watching me. I wasn’t the only one who had witnessed the altercation. I joined the rest of the congregation at the graveside. Lucy was somewhere in the middle and I stood by her side.

“You saw him too,” she whispered.

“I did.”

“I think I know who he is.”

“Me too.”

As the service continued I observed the man closely. It was easy to see that he had been left devastated by Jamie’s death; only the sound of his soft sobbing could be heard above the words of committal. Jamie’s parents stared at the coffin with blank faces and showed no emotion as it was lowered out of sight. Out of the many people who had turned up, the man with the police escort appeared to be the most affected.

As the service came to a close he was visibly shaking. He threw a red gerbera on top of the coffin and walked away, accompanied by his police guard. Lucy held a red rose as she slowly approached the hole in the ground. She placed the petals to her lips briefly before throwing down the flower, which hit the lid of the coffin with a thump.

The crowd began to disperse and Lucy, Russ and I made our way back to the house for the wake. The day had cooled a little and a welcome breeze lifted strands of Lucy’s hair. Russ put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed her to his side.

“I’m sorry, Luce.”

She smiled her thanks.

“Thanks for being here.” Lucy looked at Russ and then at me. “Both of you.”

“No problem,” Russ and I said simultaneously.

As we made our way up the hill I could hear members of the congregation behind us chattering about how lovely the ceremony was and the skill involved in the many colourful wreaths that littered the path outside the church. The mysterious man in handcuffs wasn’t mentioned; it was almost as if he was invisible to them. They were either enormously polite or incredibly unperceptive.  

Lucy suddenly stopped walking and Russ’s expression changed to one of concern. She looked around as if in a daze. He grabbed her shoulders and lifted her chin so that they were face to face.

“What is it?” he asked gently.

“I don’t know if I can do this again,”

Lucy looked down the hill towards the array of guests, all shrouded in black and eager to get to their destination.

“What do you mean?”

“Another funeral, more sadness and pitying looks. I’m beginning to think I’m cursed.” She dabbed at her brow. “I just can’t fathom why this keeps happening to me, why death seems to follow me around like some awful, sordid shadow.”

“It’s just a coincidence, Luce, a bout of really, really bad luck,” Russ tried to reassure her.

“It’s like all my hard work at trying to forget the last five years has been useless. I‘m re-living a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Time seems to be repeating itself.”

I moved closer to her, forming a barrier between her and the curious guests. They didn’t need anything else to gossip about.

“Luce, you’ve done nothing to deserve any of this. Don’t blame yourself for the things you can’t control.” Russ gestured towards her house at the top of the hill. “Now let’s get in there and give Jamie a
reight
good send off.” He started to laugh. “And perhaps get you some alcohol too.”

Lucy flashed a small smile at him and nodded. Russ had always been better at pep talks than I was. We reached the house in silence. When we entered it I realised just how much trouble Lucy had gone to. There wasn’t a kitchen surface that didn’t have a tray of food or a row of wine glasses occupying it. The food looked homemade and I realised that she must’ve been up for hours prior to the funeral service.

As it was such a hot day most of the party decided they would rather sit in the back garden than stay inside. While I passed around drinks to members of Jamie’s family I overheard stories about his life: the moment he’d found out he’d got into medical school; his first job as a newly qualified doctor; one individual was even laughing as he spoke about a prank Jamie had pulled on some of the other boys during his school days.

As I looked around the garden I saw no sadness on the faces of the mourners, only joy and laughter. This truly was a celebration of a brilliant man, one who just happened to live a secret life they knew nothing about.

Later, when my assistance was no longer needed, I sat beneath the shade of the tall trunk that supported the treehouse. I saw Lucy approach across the lawn. She took a seat next to me, the one that had been occupied by Russ until he’d had to answer a business call.

I looked at Lucy and tried to decipher her expression, which was often impossible given her exceptional ability to mask her true feelings. She appeared calm as she surveyed the scene in front of her.

“I think it was a success, don’t you?” I asked, nudging her shoulder with mine.

“Yeah. I hope Jamie is up there now, smiling down at all this and realising how loved he was. It’s just a shame he felt he had to pretend to be someone else.”

I thought about that and came to the realisation that this was the perfect opportunity to ask her something very important.

“Do you believe in the afterlife?” I asked.

Lucy turned to face me.

“Absolutely,” she said confidently. “Sometimes I still feel Charlie’s presence in the house. Sounds crazy, I know… but it’s comforting, his way of letting me know he’s still here.”

“Do you believe you’ll see him again one day?”

“Yes,” she said with conviction. “Once this world is done with me.”

I smiled as I realised my presence over the last five years hadn’t gone unnoticed. It pleased me to know that Lucy’s faith was a comfort to her, that she was confident in her belief that I lived on. If only I could tell her my true identity.

“So what did you think to our mystery guest?”

“I think it was Kevin.”

“Me too.”

“Did you see how upset he was? The poor lad was more devastated than Jamie’s parents were.”

I nodded, remembering the man’s blotchy, tear-stained face as he’d sobbed quietly into a handkerchief at Jamie’s graveside.

“We need some answers. Maybe he knows something about Jamie’s accident. I think a prison visit is called for.

Lucy cocked an eyebrow at me.

“I don’t know, I don’t want to make things worse.”

“You won’t. If this man does know something it might help put your mind at rest.”

“I’m not sure I want to know.”

“Even if you don’t, the truth could keep the police from your door.”

She was silent as she thought about this.

“What do you say?” I prompted her.

“Perhaps.”

We both grew quiet as we saw Russ approach. By his side was a woman with shoulder-length hair that was dyed a vibrant red. She was wearing brightly patterned, loose cotton trousers and a black vest top; bangles of all colours glinted on her wrists and I noticed she had a ring on every finger. Nobody would’ve guessed by her clothes that she was attending a wake. As she drew closer her features became familiar to me, right down to the freckles on her face. Russ smiled widely at Lucy and me.

“Erin, I don’t think you’ve met Adam yet.”

“Nice to meet you, Adam, I just wish it was under better circumstances.”

Erin’s hairstyle was different and she had a few more piercings, but her freckled face was the same. She was the only one of Russ’s ex-girlfriends who had ever been invited to live with him. She was the girl who had taken his mind off Lucy.  

They sat on the grass next to us and I watched Erin closely. Naturally, she appeared older than the last time I’d seen her but there wasn’t a huge difference in her looks. Russ put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her cheek tenderly. She leaned in to him and held his chin as she spoke to him quietly, ensuring she had his full attention.

“Adam, come and help me get drinks for everyone,” Lucy said, no doubt feeling awkward at this show of affection. She offered me her hand and pulled me to my feet.

“What would you like, Erin?”

“Anything you have.”

We walked across the lawn with crowds of Jamie’s friends and family staring after us, turning their heads one by one like fallen dominoes. No doubt the news article was the cause of their interest. I hurried to keep in step with Lucy.

“Do you like her…? Erin?” The question came out of my mouth before I had a chance to prevent it.

“Yes, most of the time. We used to be really good friends and then she disappeared after they broke up. I was glad when Russ tracked her down again.” Lucy looked at me. “What are your first impressions?”

“Too early to say. They seem very engrossed in each other.”

Lucy narrowed her eyes thoughtfully. “Yes, they’re always like that.”

Out of the corner of my eye I caught sight of a couple waving Lucy over. I suddenly became nervous as I realised that the couple were my own parents. I pointed them out to Lucy and followed her as she made her way over to them. They embraced her with genuine affection before their attention turned to me.

“This is my friend Adam,” Lucy introduced me.

“I think we’ve met before,” said my mum, watching me closely.

“Yes, down by the river.”

“Oh, were you fishing?” asked my dad, genuinely interested.

“Not that day, I’m afraid, Lucy and I were just taking a stroll.”

“Are you a keen fisherman?”

“I am actually, my dad taught me when I was a boy.”

He paused and I assumed my words had triggered a painful memory.

“I know of a great place to fish that nobody else knows about,” he rallied.

“Really? Then would you be so kind as to share it with me? I’m always looking for new fishing spots.”