The Legend of the Ditto Twins (40 page)

"Well...
glad you like it."

"You
know I always thought Clay... and Jay, too... that they were the most beautiful
men God ever created... but I was wrong... My sons are."

"Thanks,
Mom. Clark wants to say hello, too."

He took
the phone. "Hi, Mom. I guess you liked it, huh?"

"Dad's
already busy hanging it over the mantle."

"In
the living room? Hey, that's great."

We all
could hear her choking on her own sniffles. "I... I know I don't always
show it, but... I love you both so much. I only want what's best for you."

"We
know, Mom."

"It's
really the perfect gift. Something to remember you boys by after...you get married,
when you have your own homes and take over the dairy for your kids. Yes, it's
the perfect gift. Where did you ever get the idea?"

Clark
looked at me. "Uh... it just came to us one day."

"Well,
I hope it didn't cost you an arm and a leg."

"Oh,
it didn't. Jay took it."

Silence.
A pause. A click. The phone went dead.

"You
know, I've always suspected that woman never cared much for me," said Jay.

"C'mon,"
replied Clay. "It wasn't always that way."

"Well,
she's not going to spoil our Christmas. Will somebody please change the
subject?"

Obediently,
Clay turned to us. "So you guys want to be porn stars, huh?"

"Oh,
not really. We've talked about it, but..."

“...just
as a goof. A fantasy."

"Well,"
Clay continued, "it's a universal fantasy. There's not a guy alive who
doesn't wonder if he's got the chops to be a porn star."

Jay
nodded. "Clay's right. At your age, your dick is the most important thing
you own, so..."

“...you're
bound to be fuckin anxious to know where you rank on the stud scale."

Jay
smiled. "You know: 'How good in the sack am I?' 'Is my dick big enough?'
'How many times can I come in one night?' Making fuck films is one way to
answer those questions. It's called self-affirmation."

"I
guess," we admitted in unison.

"But."
He raised a finger in admonition. "Thinking about it and doing it are two
different things." He looked at Clay for permission; Clay nodded.
"You think we didn't give it some thought? I tell
ya
,
we did. Serious thought. Even shot our own little home movie one time. On the
very bed you guys sleep in every night." He chuckled. "It was a work
of art, as I recall.
You'd've
loved it."

Nearly
choking, Clark and I looked at each other, trying our damnedest to act
surprised.

Then I
heard Clark asking, "Whatever happened to it?"

"Damned
if I know." Clay began to laugh. "Chances are Sissy found it and
burned it."

"Or
kept it to watch on cold winter nights." Jay turned to us. "You know,
she was madly in love with Clay. Never forgave me for getting into his pants
before she could."

"C'mon.
That's disgusting," replied Clay. "She was too uptight to even think
about sex with anyone, least of all me."

"Not
even subconsciously?"

Clay
tried to be adamant. "Not even."

"Well,
enough about Sissy. I'd rather talk about smut."

"It
was
a very special
film," said Clay softly. "Too bad we never got around to making
another one."

"Why
didn't you?" In unison.

Jay
answered. "Well, we almost did. Talked about it for weeks. Wrote letters.
Sent
Polaroids
to studios. Called around. What we began
to find out really scared the hell out of us. It can be a sordid business. Not
always, but often. Besides, we didn't know anyone to advise us, to guide
us."

"But
we'd have someone," I replied. "You!"

"That
is, if we were interested..."

“...which
we're not."

"Good,"
said Clay. "Leave it that way. Guys, believe me, we know how tempting it
is."

"Yeah,
sure. But sometimes, I think... We think..."

“...it
might be a great way to make some money..."

“...and
we're very good in bed."

"Not
as good as
we
were," replied Clay.

"And
still are," added Jay. "Just takes a little longer."

We all
got a good laugh out of that one.

"But
it doesn't solve our cash flow problems," I said. "Now honestly,
don't you think..."

Jay
sighed. "Persistent little bastards, aren't you? Okay, let's talk about
legal problems, then. We checked them out, too. Spent hours in the law library.
Talked to an attorney we knew. And guess what? Incest is illegal in every state
in the union, in case you didn't know."

"We've
heard." In unison.

"Incest—the
love that
still
dare not speak its name."

"Even
same-sex incest?" I asked.

"Far
as I know, a U.S. court's never ruled on a male-male couple. But we sure as
hell didn't want to be the test case. Has it ever occurred to you why the
Hudson Twins never touched each other? Maybe they were told not to—that if they
did, they'd end up in jail."

"We
never thought of that."

"Well,
think about it," said Clay, "before you start whipping out your dicks
in front of a camera."

"Right,"
agreed Jay. "Those poor, dumb kids. They should've gone to Europe to make
their movie."

"I
thought it was illegal in Europe, too," I said.

"Well,
yes and no. Depends on the country, depends on the regime in power,
but..."
Jay stopped to chuckle. "Europeans always seem to have
better things to do than worry about who's fucking whom. Unless it involves
priests. I'm starving. Who's hungry?"

The
subject of smut, as Jay liked to call it, was tabled for awhile. We had other
things on our mind. In February, our eighteenth birthday came and went. Clay
and Jay gave us identical cable-stitch ski sweaters and duplicate black leather
bomber jackets that matched our cowboy boots. Really hot. Everyone said so.
Lily's gift was a handful of CD's by someone named Bette Midler, and it wasn't
long before we were performing "Boogie-
Woogie
Bugle Boy" for anyone who'd listen. Mom and Dad presented us with matching
MasterCard gift certificates tucked inside a Hallmark card addressed To Our
Beloved Sons. We used them to buy cigarettes.

The only
indication that this day was a significant milestone for us, however, was that
we gave Lily back the fake IDs she'd gotten for us. We were legal now, at least
age-wise.

Two weeks
later, the transmission on the Mazda went. Clay got us a good price on a new
one, and we managed to install it ourselves, but—what with all the new clothes and
all the weekend clubbing—our summer earnings were dwindling fast.

"What're
we gonna do?" asked Clark.

"Well,
Clay would help us out, in a heartbeat, but we can't let him do that."

"Agreed.
Absolutely. And not a penny from Mom and Dad."

"I
suppose we could get part-time jobs after school, bagging groceries..."

“...
or working at McDonald's."

"Only,
then we couldn't come see Jay and Clay every weekend."

We were
lying on the
The
Rolling Stones throw in our home
away from home, again watching our own little movie. That night, it hadn't
seemed to get us going the way it usually did. I guess, like any old married
couple, m
oney troubles were
getting in the way of our sex life.

"This
is serious shit," said my brother. "What are we gonna do?"

"Well,
I suppose we could always sell our film."

Clark
didn't laugh. "Mark, don't you get it? That movie was made here in the
States. We could be arrested."

"Okay,
okay," I groaned. "I'm just trying to figure out a way to make it to
graduation."

"What
we need to figure out is a way to make it through the rest of our life. One
little home movie won't do it."

"Maybe
we should just move to Europe. I'll bet we could make a lot of movies
there."

Clark
nodded. "And a lot of
money."

"Yeah,
work there and live here, and..."

“...that
way, we probably wouldn't have to worry about the legalities. Only, what if Mom
and Dad found out?"

"Do
you really care?" I asked.

"Not
as much as I used to."

I
grinned. "Clark, you know you want to."

He
shrugged a soft admission. "There's a part of me that would love to do
it."

I poked
him playfully. "Which part?"

"The
part of me that's you."

I
embraced him. "Well, that explains everything."

"What?"

"All
my hesitation. That's the part of me that's you."

"Maybe
we should go talk to Jay and Clay."

"But
what if they're... uh... shocked?" I asked. "They
are
adults, after
all."

"True.
But the good thing is: They haven't forgotten who they were before they grew
up."

Sometimes,
Clark was so wise it frightened me.

We got
dressed and headed for the parlor. Clay and Jay were lounging on their
his-and-his recliners, watching TV.

"You
got a minute?" I began.

"Sure."
Clay switched off the TV "What's up?"

"Well,
we've been thinking."

"Aw
oh," said Jay. "We got trouble right here in River City."

"Music
Man,"
I replied
automatically.

When
Clark spoke, it was more to the point. "You don't even know what we were
gonna say."

"Bullshit.
Of course I do. After all, I'm fairly intelligent for an adult. And you are in
need of vocational guidance."

"C'mon,
don't make fun of us. This could be..."

“...the
most important decision of our life."

Instantly,
Jay leaned forward, and his voice was serious. Lethal. "Not could,
would—would
be the
most important decision of your life. Sit."

We
obeyed, dropping down, cross-legged, at his feet.

"Listen
hard. Anyone who enters The Tabernacle of Smut must realize up front that once
those big bright doors are opened, they can never be closed. Do you hear
me?"