The Leaving of Liverpool (28 page)

P
HOEBE-ANN HAD NO WHITE satin wedding dress or long veil but an ivory coat and dress with a matching hat. The big bouquet she’d always envisaged was reduced to a small posy but at least it was a proper wedding, she told herself, in a church and not a drab, bare room.

Emily felt so sorry for her sister as she stood beside her in the otherwise empty church. Nothing had turned out right for Phoebe-Ann. They’d often daydreamed about what kind of weddings they would have in the days before so much tragedy had overtaken them.

From the money Miss Nesta had given her, Emily had bought the happy couple a very nice eiderdown and bedspread in cream-coloured heavy cotton overlaid with deep pink roses. She’d bought them from Sturla’s Department Store and they’d kindly wrapped them up, too. Phoebe-Ann had been so delighted that she had insisted on putting them on the bed at once. Jake had noted that it hadn’t crossed Vinny’s mind to buy them anything.

When the service was over and Phoebe-Ann was the new Mrs Malone and had been duly kissed by her new husband, her sister and her new brother-in-law, Emily had reluctantly excused herself, leaving the newlyweds and Vinny to enjoy their solitary wedding breakfast at Reeces’.

‘Did everything turn out satisfactorily?’ Miss Millicent asked when she returned.

‘Yes, thank you, miss.’

‘Let’s hope it continues like that.’

‘Oh, I’m sure it will, Millie.’ Miss Nesta looked wistful. ‘Such a pity for so few people to attend, though I really do admire your sister, Emily.’

‘Why?’ Miss Millicent asked sharply of her sister.

‘Because she has the courage to follow her destiny.’

Miss Millicent tutted. ‘Destiny, indeed!’

Miss Nesta looked knowingly at Emily. ‘Was she lovely? Is she happy?’

‘Yes, she looked lovely and I think she is happy.’

‘When will she tell your mama?’

Emily frowned. ‘I don’t know, miss. I don’t think she is going to tell her at all.’

‘Why not?’

‘What is the point, miss? She knows Mam won’t entertain him and she’s gone and done what Mam forbade her to do – married him.’

‘Oh, dear.’

‘I feel so sorry for your poor Mama,’ Miss Millicent said.

Miss Nesta smiled. ‘Let’s not dwell on it. Have you and your young man set a date yet, Emily?’

‘No, not yet. There’s been all this fuss over Phoebe-Ann, I don’t think Mam could stand coping with me as well.’ She began to place the dirty teacups on the tray. Her excuse was so feeble but only she knew that.

 

The meal at Reeces’ had been lovely, despite the fact that Vinny’s table manners left much to be desired and his loud comments had made her cringe, Phoebe-Ann thought as she folded her clothes and slipped on the new nightdress. Jake had persuaded her to have a ‘bit of a drink’ to celebrate, for the restaurant only served wines which both he and Vinny had derided. She’d agreed. After all it was a
special
day. She’d had three sherries and had felt very light-headed as they’d walked for the tram home. Jake and Vinny had been very merry – not drunk, just merry, she’d told herself; after all, it was a celebration. The effects of the sherry had worn off, leaving her with a slight headache and a deepening feeling of apprehension.

Of course she knew all about the ‘birds and bees’ as Lily called it, but she didn’t know what it would be like in reality. She’d dreamed, imagined, but not too deeply. Alice had hinted that it wasn’t in the least bit wonderful, not that she’d had personal experience, she’d added hastily. She’d once heard her mam confiding in her Aunty Edna that she planned all the meals and made mental shopping lists while ‘it’ was going on. Phoebe-Ann had been dismayed. ‘It can’t be that bad!’ she’d cried. Alice had shrugged. ‘Sometimes it’s worse, so I’ve heard.’

Phoebe-Ann had remembered Emily and how she’d looked that terrible night and now that image of her sister – bruised, beaten and shaking with shock and horror – filled her mind. What if it
was
so awful? What if it was always violent? What would she do? What
could
she do? She tried to clear her head. No, it just couldn’t be like that. Mam had never looked . . . shocked or bruised. She realized that she was shaking and it wasn’t just because the room was cold.

She climbed into bed, the icy smoothness of the new sheets serving to increase the shivering. She pulled the blankets and coverlet up to her chin. The romantic dream she’d cherished had never really taken her further than the altar. She’d never really thought about this aspect of marriage. Mentally she shook herself. ‘Don’t be such a little fool!’ she scolded herself. She loved Jake and he loved her. It would be wonderful, it wouldn’t be like Emily’s nightmare experience. She closed her eyes wishing she could get all thoughts of Emily and James Mercer out of her mind.

Her eyes opened wide as Jake came into the room, but she closed them tightly as he began to undress. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment and she wished he would switch off the light. She had never seen a man naked and she couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes.

At last the room was in darkness and he got into bed, his hands reaching for her. She turned towards him, still trembling. He grunted, thinking it was desire that had overwhelmed her. She began to relax as he kissed her, thinking what an idiot she’d been. What was there to fear? He loved her.

His kisses and caresses became more passionate, almost rough in his urgency, and, suddenly, panic washed over Phoebe-Ann. He was hurting her. She cried for him to stop but he ignored her and the panic deepened. It
was
going to be the same for her as it had been for Emily! This disregard for her feelings, her needs, her dreams. Where was the tenderness, the gentleness, the soft, sweet caresses? This was how it must be for everyone she thought, only no-one had ever told her. She tried to lash out, to push him away but he was too strong and now he seemed to be in the grip of a power that was driving him to do terrible things to her. This wasn’t the Jake she loved, this was someone else. He was pushing himself into her and she began to fight him, screaming in pain and fear.

With an effort Jake pulled away from her. ‘What’s the matter?’

‘Stop it! Stop it!’ she screamed.

‘What’s wrong? You’re my wife, Phoebe-Ann, I love you and this is . . . this is . . .’ He couldn’t find the right words to explain to her that this was normal.

‘You’re hurting me! It’s horrible . . . it’s just like what . . .’ she stopped, suddenly remembering he didn’t know about Emily and James Mercer.

‘I didn’t mean to hurt you, Phoebe-Ann.’

She began to cry softly and Jake looked at her with a mixture of frustration, disappointment and bewilderment. He’d known she was a virgin but he’d never expected this rejection, this fear.

Phoebe-Ann swallowed hard. Only hours ago she’d promised to ‘love, honour and obey’ and she’d heard him say the words ‘with my body I thee worship’. That made it right. It was bound up with marriage. She was his wife now and it was his right. Slowly she nodded. She would just have to try to cope with it. Maybe, maybe in time she’d even enjoy it, after all she’d been so eager to marry him and she’d known what marriage entailed, so why was she feeling like this? It was something to do with Emily and James Mercer, that much she realized. Something to do with the feelings of guilt that invaded her mind in the dark hours of the night. But she must try not to think like that. This was her wedding night, she was supposed to be happy.

She lay with her eyes closed, her arms around his neck and when he entered her she bit back the cry of pain. Her body was rigid, her nerves taut, although she didn’t realize it, and when Jake rolled away from her she felt bruised and somehow violated. Two teardrops crept from beneath her lashes and slid down her cheeks. Oh, why hadn’t Mam told her it would be like this? She’d believed that it would be like . . . like what? She hadn’t let her imagination go this far. She wished she could talk to Emily but she knew she could never, ever confide in her sister, it would only hurt her. She wished she could talk to her mam, ask her advice, invite her sympathy. But Mam wasn’t even speaking to her. She wished she could tell Jake about Emily, maybe then he would understand why she had suddenly been overcome by this awful fear and revulsion. It was out of the question. She would never subject Emily to that, for she couldn’t be certain that Jake wouldn’t tell his brothers.

Jake lay staring at the ceiling, feeling dismayed and a little annoyed. What the hell had got into her? She’d been eager to get married. She’d never before rejected his advances, so why now? After all they’d been through to get wed now she had gone all cold and rigid, as though he was raping her. She couldn’t be afraid of him. It must be something to do with the way her ma had explained things to her. Or maybe she hadn’t explained at all. Perhaps she’d been left to find out from other people, but however she had learned about it she must have known what it entailed. All the other girls he’d been out with had, but then she was different. He’d put her on a pedestal, but would she prove to be as cold as a marble statue? Maybe it was because he’d been too eager, but he’d been patient long enough. No, it was just because it was the first time for her. She hadn’t known what to expect. Next time things would be different.

 

Next time and the three times after that were just as bad. Phoebe-Ann was unable to disassociate herself from Emily’s experiences although she tried hard. The nagging guilt grew out of all proportion until she started to believe that this was her punishment for what she believed was her part in Emily’s tragedy. Each time she lay stiff, biting her lip to cut off the cries and each time she’d cried herself to sleep. She still loved Jake, she told herself, and in every other aspect their marriage was good. If only she didn’t have to share the same bed. All she needed was some time and patience, she would get used to it, she
would
get better, she vowed.

Jake had tried to be patient with her but he was not a patient man, nor could he understand her rejection of him. She said she loved him and he had to admit that things between them were fine, until they went to bed. Because his patience and tolerance were strained he began to feel annoyed. What more did she want of him? He’d virtually given up the drink, he’d alienated his family, he’d given her everything she’d wanted, they’d even married in
her
church and now . . . now she couldn’t bear him to make love to her. Oh, she’d been eager enough for his kisses and embraces before, although because he had respected her he’d not touched her. Had she really only been looking for someone to provide her with a place of her own, a ring on her finger and the title of ‘Mrs’? No, it hadn’t been like that at all, he told himself. She’d fallen head over heels in love with him. She wasn’t a ‘gold digger’. Despite all his reasoning the seeds of doubt had been sown and they refused to be dislodged. Well, she’d have plenty of time – he was sailing again soon and when he returned things were bound to be better. ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder’ Vinny always joked about his girls. He knew her heart and soul were his, he just wished her body was too.

 

Albert was worried about her. ‘Why don’t you go and see her, Lily? Give it one last try?’

‘It won’t work. She has always been stubborn when she’s set her mind on something; she’s like her da, and she’s obviously set her mind on him. God help us all! I’d only go and lose my temper with her and I’ll not have Mrs Wainwright with her ear glued to the door, nor would it be fitting for me to be laying down the law in her house. In her way she’s been good to Phoebe-Ann. At least I’ve known she has a roof over her head and something to eat.’

‘Look, if you won’t go and see Phoebe-Ann, why not go and see him? I’ll come with you.’

‘Him! I’d never lower myself to speak to any of them!’

‘Then his ma? Now, before you go up in the air, think about it. She’s probably not happy about the whole thing either. For different reasons, of course, but she is his mother, whatever we think of her. She must have some concern for him.’

‘Concern! That’s a word she doesn’t even know. How can she when she’s managed to bring up a tribe of hooligan drunks?’

‘She’s a widow, like you were. Perhaps she just couldn’t do as good a job with her lot as you did with yours.’

‘She’d have done better if she’d stayed out of the pub, and I haven’t done all that well, have I? Oh, you’re such a good man Albert Davies, you look for goodness in everyone, even Ma Malone.’

‘Then go and see her? Have a bit of a talk with her, see if you can both forget your differences and talk the pair of them out of it? Tell her it will be the biggest mistake he’ll ever make, as it will be for Phoebe-Ann.’

Lily thought about it. She couldn’t see what Ma Malone could object to in Phoebe-Ann, except her religion. She was a far better class of girl than any of the Malones deserved and in her view the old harridan should be grateful, but Albert was usually right. ‘Oh, I suppose it’s worth a try. I’ll swallow my pride then.’

‘Do you want me to come with you?’

She smiled tiredly. ‘No. I think I can manage her on my own.’

‘Then I’d go round soon, while he’s away. While the rest of them are too, although I believe one can’t find work.’

‘That one was sacked by Cunard for brawling!’

‘The offer still stands.’

She patted his hand. ‘No. You’ve your work to attend to. You can’t go turning down work because of our Phoebe-Ann. Oh, what did I ever do without you?’

 

She told none of the family what she intended to do, for she wanted no more arguments. So, the following morning she made her way to Mona Street, her face set in lines of determination. It was the last thing she would do for Phoebe-Ann. If this failed then she’d just have to get on with it. She’d insisted on making her bed; she’d have to lie on it no matter how uncomfortable it got, and she didn’t doubt that it would grow very uncomfortable, for whatever kind of ‘changes’ she’d wrought on Jake Malone they certainly wouldn’t last long, of that fact she was certain.