The Last Witness (47 page)

  ‘That’s good. I’ll… I’ll leave you to it then. And once again I’m sorry, Elena… it was just how your father wanted it.’ Small resigned sigh, smothered by the air-rush of a passing truck. ‘Good luck with your mother.’

  But having said her thanks and signed off, standing with the dead phone and the dialling tone back again, with Lorena starting to look around expectantly from the car only a few yards ahead, suddenly she wasn’t so sure. She didn’t feel she could take any more shock revelations right now. Each one had been like a body blow and she felt like a punch-drunk boxer, sagging against the side of the kiosk for support under the relentless rain of blows, her legs aching from trembling and now her hands shaking too as she gripped the dead receiver. One more blow and she was down.

She stood uncertainly a moment more, unsure whether to call then or wait till later and meanwhile hopefully summon more reserves and nerve to face the call. Lorena looking over anxiously also reminded her that she still had to decide what to finally do there.

The delay hardly helped. Elena was going to wait until they were back at the hotel to make the call, but with each passing mile back to Montreal on Highway 30 her anxiousness to know pressed harder. It was like a tightening coil at the back of her neck, and as she started to get a headache and could barely summon a clear thought, she swung the car into the next available stop, a roadside diner 17 miles from Montreal.

  It was busy and, judging from the car park, popular with truckers. She ordered a mineral water at the counter for herself and pointed the waitress over to the table with Lorena for her coke and blueberry muffin. She swilled back two aspirins quickly followed by another valerian with the mineral water on the way to the phone by the washrooms at the back. She’d gained a bit more resolve and energy since speaking to Uncle Christos, but still her nerves were shot: how best to start a conversation with the mother you’ve hardly spoken to in half a lifetime?

  The ringing tone seemed slow with a slight echo to it. As a hesitant voice finally answered, ‘Hello,’ Elena put her other hand by her ear, fading out the clatter of plates and voices and the hiss of the short-order grill.

  ‘Mom, is that you? It’s Elena… Elena!’ She started with the preamble of enquiring how her mother was, then quickly lurched into not being able to even think of how to start apologising for not being in touch for so long. ‘I’m sorry, mom, so –’

  But her mother cut in halfway through. ‘You’re there now – in Montreal?’

  ‘Yes… yes, I am.’

  ‘Uncle Christos said you might phone. And it’s okay, Elena – you don’t need to apologise. You had every good reason to stay away and not see me. I understand.’

Oh God
. Elena closed her eyes and wished the floor could open up. The ready, almost fatalistic acceptance made it all the worse, made the guilt worm deeper. But then her mother too rambled for a moment about how was Gordon and her two young ones Christos and Katine, before returning to the meat of why Elena had called: her father’s trip to Montreal the year before he died.

‘…Uncle Christos is right that him knowing that he was dying provided the final push. But it’s not as simple as that – it had been building up for some while. Many years, in fact… going all the way back to when you discovered you could no longer have children, and then later Andreos’s suicide.’

  Elena felt the years stripped away, pictured herself suddenly again in her late teens in Andreos’s room telling him how upset she was with their father, how she felt like just running away. And him saying ‘Don’t leave,’ but never explaining why she shouldn’t: too shy to admit that he wanted her to stick around as his own emotional bolster. ‘But… but all those years. How come I never knew, or at least guessed?’

  ‘Your father was very secretive, very guarded. He felt the guilt straight away – I saw it in him where probably others didn’t – but it didn’t surface fully until years later. One of his secretaries had a messy miscarriage and couldn’t have children any more. She cried on his shoulder that it was the worst thing she’d ever endured or could imagine happening to
any
woman – and days later he was on the phone to the Stephanous asking about young George. Nick Stephanou had already given the boy away to the orphanage two years previous, but he didn’t have the stomach to admit that to your father. Maybe he feared your father would ask back for the money he’d paid them. So he didn’t mention the accident, didn’t mention any problems. Just said George was growing tall and doing well at school and both him and Maria were very happy and very proud. Your father would phone every year or so and get the same story – ‘Yeah, fine, at High School now you know’ – and it wasn’t until eight years later that he finally got to know the truth, when he was having trouble contacting Nick and ended up phoning his brother Sotiris. George would have been fifteen then – but what could your father do? He phoned the orphanage and they told him George had gone to a new family at the age of eight and their rule was not to pass on any details – so all he could do was just shrug his shoulders and hope that he’d gone to a good family somewhere, that he was having a good life and hadn’t suffered.’

 
Good family somewhere. Good life.
Elena felt a shiver run up her spine. All the years she’d thought how different she was to her father, how opposite their views were, particularly regarding her son: that her father had given him away purely to punish her and hadn’t spent a minute since wasting an ounce of emotion on what he’d done or worrying about the boy’s welfare; yet all the while his thoughts had been almost exactly the same as hers.

  ‘Your father, as he did with most things, put on a brave face, on the surface shouldered it well – but I could see the pain and guilt close beneath the surface. And he was missing you too, regretted what he’d done. He used to send you money through Uncle Christos and asked that you weren’t told – thought you’d probably refuse it.’

  ‘I know. Uncle Christos told me.’ She looked up to see their waitress heading back to the counter. Lorena was taking the first sips of her coke.

  ‘…And so practically the whole focus of his life, all his ambitions and hopes got poured into your brother Andreos. “Andreos is going to be a great successor in my business”…Andreos is going to do this, Andreos is going to do that. There seemed no limits to what Andreos might achieve in your father’s eyes. Then with Andreos’s suicide, particularly when it looked like the main reason was that he felt he couldn’t cope, couldn’t live up to your father’s expectations – all hope there too was lost and again your father blamed himself. He drunk himself silly for weeks and one night I caught him gently weeping in his sleep – probably one of many he’d done so without me knowing – and he turned to me tearfully and asked what was wrong with him. “What is it about me that drives people away or pushes them into the ground? Am I such a monster?”

  Tears welled in Elena’s eyes, the café scene ahead suddenly blurred, distorted. She’d never before seen that soft, emotional side to her father; it was so totally out of sync with the image she’d long held true of him. And all she’d done was add to his guilt and suffering: the funeral had been the last time she’d seen her father, and she’d stood stoically on her mother’s side as Andreos’s body was lowered into the ground and the Priest said the prayers. Then when finally her father seemed to have summoned the courage and spirit to speak to her towards the end of the service, she’d turned abruptly and stormed off:
‘This is all your fault too. You’re to blame for this.’
‘I’m sorry. I… I had no idea.’ Her own voice sounded distant, lost among the hustle and clatter of the restaurant. She had to shift slightly to one side as two men in blue overalls came past her from the washroom behind.

  ‘How could you? He never showed that side to anyone. When I suggested to him that maybe that was part of the problem and he should try and show his emotions more – he said that I was being ridiculous. If he wore his heart on his sleeve, he wouldn’t last a minute in business. His competitors would have him for breakfast. And besides, it just wasn’t him. So the defences would quickly come up again, that hard skin he saw as his protection from the world outside. I remember him once saying to me that that sort of thing was for “old Greek widows, wailing and gnashing their teeth.”  I think with the prejudice he experienced early on, he’d fixed this strange notion in his mind that not showing his emotions would somehow make him more English and less Cypriot. Stiff upper lip and all that rubbish.’

  Elena wiped her eyes with the back of one hand and looked towards Lorena. How could she have got it so wrong.
So wrong.
Her thoughts about her father had guided practically everything in her life – the rebellion, her hippie years, her staying away from home, and now they’d been the foundation of her suspicions over Ryall. Another dominant man. Probably Lowndes was right, nothing was happening there, it was just Lorena’s over-attachment to her. Full house. She’d been wrong about everything.
Everything.

  ‘Then with the cancer he probably did look at me and imagine an old Greek widow in a few years, and everything else crashed back in at the same time. He started to dwell on his life and things past and think of all the mistakes he’d made. He started to think that it had all been a waste: devoting so much of his life to money, building up an empire. What was it all for when you didn’t have family and loved ones around you? With Andreos it wasn’t only the son he’d lost, or with you that he’d practically lost a daughter as well by driving you away – but the fact that you could no longer have children and Andreos had died before he’d even started a family. There was no possible continuing bloodline – and the only grandchild he’d ever had, he’d given away. That was when he resolved finally to try and find George.’

The tears brimmed over, streaming down Elena’s cheeks, and the trembling was back in her legs. They felt ready to crumple at any second. She half turned and put one hand flat on the wall for support as a truck driver in a red-check shirt approached, heading for the washroom. But he’d already noticed her distress and mumbled something in French then, with her blank look, switched quickly to English.

‘Are you okay, lady? Everything alright?’

‘Yes, it’s… it’s okay. Just someone I haven’t spoken to in a while.’

Her mother’s voice crashed in halfway: ‘Elena? Is there someone there with you?’

The truck driver nodded with a tight smile as he went past her, and she assured her mother that it was all right, she was in a restaurant and ‘it was just someone passing by the phone.’ Her emotions wanted to scream: ‘No, no, it’s not alright. Stop.
Stop!
I can’t bear it any more, can’t take more of my life’s foundations smashed down, any more illusions destroyed on which I’ve based almost every principle the past thirty years.’ But her mind was curious, thirsty, wanted desperately to know every last detail, however painful.

  ‘Trouble was, your father never was able to succeed in that final quest. He hoped that maybe if he visited personally… but in the end the nuns wouldn’t relent, wouldn’t pass on where George had gone. That final blow hit him hard, Elena. He died a very sad and lonely man.’

 
‘He was sat where you are now…’
Elena couldn’t hold it back any longer: racking sobs convulsed her whole body, and she turned to fully face the wall so that people in the diner wouldn’t see her tears and distress. She hadn’t even shown up for the funeral, if nothing else to support her mother in her moment of grief; nor troubled to phone at any time to offer her condolence. And in the years since she’d never visited, they’d only spoken once briefly on the phone. Her mother had buried the man she’d loved knowing that he’d died with a heart heavy with a lifetime of regrets, and purely because of her own past battles with her father she’d left her mother alone for all those years with that terrible pain and burden. No wonder Uncle Christos had kept urging her to see her mother. How could her mother possibly ever forgive her?

  She clutched her hand in a fist against the wall, her eyes scrunched tight to stem the flow of tears, and finally found some composure to speak. ‘But
why
… why didn’t he say something earlier? Or maybe you… why didn’t you call me and tell me?’

  ‘What was there to say? That he tried to find your son that he’d given away twenty-odd years ago – but in the end he’d failed? And before he died, he swore me to secrecy. He said there was little point in telling you if there could be no possible good end resolve. It would just build up your hopes only to dash them again, and besides you’d probably blanked it all from your mind long ago. Too painful to think about.’

  ‘Yes… that was partly true, I suppose.’ She rubbed her nose with the back of her hand, sniffed back the remnants of tears. She felt uncomfortable admitting that it was spot-on, that her father knew her so well; and just like her father she’d kept the truth and her real emotions buried from everyone, going one better by keeping them even from her own husband.
Oh Jesus
she was her father’s daughter more than she realized.

  ‘…He said that only if you decided to find him – when you were finally sure you wanted to fill that gap in your life – should I tell you.’

  ‘I see.’ Still her voice was uncertain, she feared she might collapse again into tears at any second. She felt nothing but empty inside, as if a team of emotional burglars had stormed through her and upended every drawer: love, hate, family closeness, hopes, ambitions.
There, now you try and sort it all out.
And she was left to pick through the ransacked mess, one hand braced against the wall of a diner full of strangers while keeping her head turned from them so that they wouldn’t see how destroyed she was, or the tears streaming down her face, or notice that her whole body was shaking uncontrollably with her legs threatening to buckle at any second, and meanwhile her mother at the end of a crackly line three thousand miles away had, in the space of less than fifteen minutes, told her that nothing in her life so far had been quite what it seemed.