The Last Testament: A Memoir (27 page)

²⁰
I have only, on
extremely
rare occasions, influenced the outcome of a sporting event to affect the spread.

CHAPTER 2

¹
M
any times have I heard athletes pray for victory before the contest; and many times have I heard them thank me for victory afterward.

²
Many times have I heard partisans beseech me to aid their side; and many times have I heard them beseech me to afflict the other side.

³
And many times have I heard reasonable-minded commentators denounce those athletes and fans for believing I would care about something as frivolous as the Raiders-Broncos game.

⁴
Lo, as a matter of fact, I
do
care about something as frivolous as the Raiders-Broncos game, Bob Friggin’ Costas.

⁵
For dozens of human beings are putting their hearts and souls and passion and sweat into that game.

⁶
And while it is true that, simultaneous to that game unfolding, hundreds of millions of other human beings are putting just as much heart and soul and passion and sweat into far more vital human activities, like manufacturing, or child-rearing, or staying alive;

⁷
Unlike the Raiders-Broncos game, those activities are all very boring to watch.

⁸
Understand me: it is not that I do not care about those
people
; it is that I do not care about what they are
doing.

⁹
I will more thoroughly address the general phenomenon of prayer later in this memoir, but I must mention here how much Junior and I appreciate hearing our names invoked on the field, gridiron, court, rink, course, peloton, or (very rarely) sumo mat.

¹⁰
When a fan begs me to keep the puck away from the goalie’s five-hole, I am touched by his commitment.

¹¹
When a power forward genuflects before shooting a free throw, Jesus gets goose bumps.

¹²
When a slugger points his finger to heaven while rounding the bases, I point right back at him.

¹³
And when a wide receiver opens his postgame interview by crediting God for his winning touchdown catch, it moves me so much I am tempted to “touch down” myself, just to tell him, “Thou da man!”

¹⁴
(It is curious—when musicians thank me at the Grammys I find them arrogant; presuming themselves blessed with “God-given talent,” when nine times out of ten they are blessed with nothing but studio-given autotuners.

¹⁵
Yet when an athlete thanks Jesus or me it somehow feels sincere; especially if he is one of sport’s many born-again athletes, as deep into Jesus as, but a few months earlier, he was deep into three groupies in the weight room of the Sheraton.)

¹⁶
I note all these things, athletes and fans, and I file them away for future reference; but while I have favorites, I do not
play
favorites.

¹⁷
To repeat: I do
not
intervene in sporting events; not because they are beneath me (for what isn’t?), but rather because—and if I sound old-fashioned here, then shoot me, Bill Simmons—
I care so deeply about the integrity of the game.

¹⁸
Athletes come and go, but the sports themselves remain; and I will never let my feelings toward the former corrupt my oversight of the latter.

¹⁹
I am the L
ORD
thy Ref; I cannot be worked.

CHAPTER 3

¹
Y
et—with the clear understanding that it makes no earthly difference— I do not mind revealing the identities of the athletic teams that have found favor in my eyes.

²
For I am Jehovah; I am Allah; I am the Heavenly Father; and my two favorite pro football teams are the New York Giants and the Oakland Raiders.

³
I became a Giants fan during the glory days of Phil Simms, who field-marshaled the offense with a steady efficiency that obscured his tremendous talents as a pure passer.

⁴
Verily, 22 for 25 in the Super Bowl? Enshrineth him, Canton!

⁵
As for the Raiders, I have always liked their attitude, for they play football the way the ancient Israelites attacked Canaanites: seeking not only to beat the opposition, but to destroy them, to raze their city to rubble, and to slaughter their wives and children; or at the very least to spike the ball on their mascot.

⁶
(Alas, it has been some time since the Raiders fought like the ancient Israelites; these days they fight like the modern French.)

⁷
My favorite college football team is Auburn; when they win the Iron Bowl my joyous
whoops
fill the halls of heaven; for I hate Nick Saban; his name is one letter away from “Satan” for a reason.

⁸
My two favorite baseball teams are the Minnesota Twins and whoever is playing the Cubs.

⁹
I have no favorite pro basketball team, but my least favorite is the Washington Wizards; because in changing their name from the Bullets, they went from promoting violence to promoting paganism, which is much, much worse.

¹⁰
In “hoops” (for so I designate the college game), my favorite squad is Duke; I know this preference will be pooh-poohed by many, but I happen to like the way Coach K runs that team.

¹¹
They do things the right way at Duke: with tobacco money.

¹²
When it comes to hockey...
Gooooooooooo Blue Jackets
!

¹³
I love the Columbus Blue Jackets, because they are so clearly a human phenomenon: inasmuch as I would never in a billion years have thought to put a hockey team in Columbus, Ohio, and call it the Blue Jackets.

¹⁴
It is entirely thy doing, and I love that; alas, they were terrible last year (again!), and I cannot think of a good reason why next year will not be the same;

¹⁵
For even if they do put up the money to acquire a halfway-decent second-line left-wing like Cormier or Dustin Brown, they are so weak defensively that a coach as over his head as Arniel cannot be expected to—

¹⁶
Sorry; I shall save that rant for Mike and/or the Mad Dog.

¹⁷
My favorite golfer is Rocco Mediate, because his name soundeth like a euphemism a mob boss would use to tell his enforcer to kill someone he was arguing with: “Hey, Rocco: ‘Mediate.’”

¹⁸
My favorite boxer is Evander Holyfield, because he is still valiantly pursuing his comeback despite being 107 years old.

¹⁹
My favorite MMA fighter is Quinton Jackson, who is a born-again Christian . . .
and
played B. A. Baracus in the remake of
The A-Team.

²⁰
Either of those would make him my favorite, but both? Let’s just say Quinton hath captured my mixed-martial “heart.”

²¹
As for the beautiful game, I have no favorite soccer team, but am rather an admirer of the sport itself; I love the beauty and fluidity of a well-played match, and share in the cathartic release of a well-struck ball.

²²
That being said, the sport would not suffer if the average final score rose to, say, 4 to 3, instead of the current average, .04 to .03.

²³
FIFA, I beg thee: make the goal wider; make the goalie shorter; do something; thou art killing me up here.

²⁴
In international cricket I pull for whichever country was more exploited by Britain.

²⁵
My favorite track and field athlete is Usain Bolt; one of these days I’m going to come down midsprint and pull him over for speeding.

²⁶
My favorite ski jumper is Gregor Schlierenzauer, and anyone who tells me Janne Happonen has better technique can go fuck himself.

²⁷
My favorite rugby team is the All Blacks of New Zealand; the Maori war dance they do before each match is the best pregame ritual in sports, better even than David Beckham masturbating into a buttered scone.

²⁸
And my favorite cyclist is whoever is not taking steroids; so right now I have no favorite.

CHAPTER 4

¹
O
ne last note:

2 As is usually the case with sports loyalties, mine have been passed down generationally, meaning my children root for the same teams I do.

³
The one exception is that Jesus roots for the Cubs.

⁴
In fact, when I say Jesus bleeds for the Cubs, I mean Jesus bleeds for the Cubs.

⁵
Poor child.

⁶
His faith is so deep, and his hope is so pure, that on occasion I have heard him say, “The day the Cubs win the World Series is the day I return to earth!”

⁷
But in the end I dissuade him from this; for humanity cannot wait a billion years for the Second Coming.

THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO DAD

CHAPTER 1

¹
I
have a son named Jesus. Perhaps thou hast heard of him.

²
Perhaps thou hast read the quartet of eyewitness accounts of his life, written by Matthew (“The Cute One”), Mark (“The Funny One”), Luke (“The Quiet One”) and John (“The Non-Synoptic One”).

³
Perhaps thou hast seen his image in one of the paintings or sculptures forming the small subgenre of western art known as Everything Before 1750.

⁴
Perhaps thou spendest one morning a week in a special building dedicated to him, hearing tales of his glory while secretly fretting over the Raiders’ porous secondary.

⁵
(I do, sometimes.)

⁶
Perhaps thou hast seen
The Greatest Story Ever Told
; a good film, though given the title a bit disappointing.

⁷
Or perhaps thou hast seen
The Passion of the Christ
by Mel Gibson, whom my son, as a Jew, will never work with again.