The Last Man on Earth (15 page)

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Madelyn. I’ve felt just awful keeping a secret like that from you. But I was going to break the news to you tomorrow. Todd only proposed tonight. Even our parents don’t know yet. I guess you and Zack will be the first to wish us happy. You do wish us happy, don’t you?”

“Of course I wish you happy. Oh, God, you’re getting married!” Madelyn rushed across the space that separated her from her friend and the two women embraced like a pair of out-of-control teenagers. Twin squeals of high-pitched girlish glee filled the small room; then they put their heads together as Peg showed off her brand-new diamond engagement ring.

Zack stepped forward and offered a hand to Todd. “Congratulations, March. Can’t say I envy you the marriage noose, but every luck. Peg’s a great gal.”

•   •   •

Todd didn’t know Zack all that well and lived a bit in awe of him, but he accepted the hand and the good wishes with a firm shake. “Thanks.” He turned his sights on his fiancée, devotion pouring from his eyes. “I’ve loved her from the first day we met, but I never dared hope she would one day feel the same about me. It’s like a dream and I don’t ever want to wake up.”

As Todd spoke, Zack watched Madelyn, so exuberant and excited in her pleasure for her friend. A strange knot formed inside his chest as he remembered her words.

I love you.

When a woman tells you she loves you, it’s well past time to get out. The kindest move he could make would be to end their affair and spare her further involvement, further pain. But every time he thought of it, imagined himself saying the words, some part of him rebelled.

He just wasn’t ready for it to be over.

And as selfish as it might be—and no doubt it was—part of him reveled in knowing she loved him. There was something profoundly satisfying in realizing that a woman as sweet and giving and intelligent as Madelyn could find him worth loving. The real him, not the practiced face and easy charm he showed the rest of the world. She saw through him in ways no one else ever had or had ever wanted to. And admitting that scared the crap out of him.

She looked up as if she knew he was thinking about her. For an instant their eyes met; then he glanced away to keep her from seeing too much.

Breaking off her celebration with Peg, Madelyn turned to Todd. “I’m so happy for you.” She moved to embrace him.

“Well, if we’re hugging now,” Zack said, slipping back into his usual urbane mode, “then I claim the right to kiss the bride.”

Madelyn crossed her arms. “She’s not a bride yet. Kiss her at the wedding.”

“Am I invited to the wedding?”

“Of course you are. Both of you are. In fact, Madelyn’s just agreed to be my maid of honor.” Peg looked between the two of them. “Hey, I just realized. What are you both doing here? Todd and I started fooling around because we thought everybody had gone home.”

Madelyn stepped into the breach. “I did leave but had to come back for that file that needs to go down to production. I’m glad you reminded me, or in all the excitement, I might have forgotten it again.” She walked over to retrieve the file she’d set down.

“And I had a late meeting across town and stopped back to drop off a few things,” Zack explained. “When I heard all the noise, I came to see what was up.”

“Since we’ve kept both of you so late, let Todd and me treat you to dinner,” Peg offered.

“Thank you, but I couldn’t,” Madelyn refused.

“And I need my beauty sleep.” Zack wagged his eyebrows. “Big presentation tomorrow.”

Peg accepted their refusals with grace. “I suppose forcing the two of you into such a close social situation would be asking too much anyway. To make it up to Madelyn at least, I’ll be happy to take that file off your hands and drop it off so you can go home. Zack, Todd and I will have to be beholden to you.”

“Don’t be. The pair of you are better than a whole season’s entertainment. And since I’m sure you have better plans in mind, I’ll force myself to walk Grayson here to her car. If she’s game.”

“As an engagement present to Todd and Peg, I accept.”

“T
hanks for walking me out.”

Madelyn pressed a button on her keyless remote. The doors unlocked with a brief flash of the headlights and a single electronic chirp that bounced gently off the walls of the deserted parking garage.

“Of course,” Zack said. “How about a quick lift—one level up?”

“Okay.” They climbed into her car and she started the engine. “I thought you parked in one of the other garages.”

“I used to. When my fees came due a couple months ago, I decided to switch. This seemed more convenient.”

She made no comment as she put her car in gear. Moments later, they stopped in front of his car, a glossy black Lexus she knew he’d bought at a steal from a guy who’d gotten in way over his head on the payments. It was one of only a few cars left on that level.

Madelyn traced a fingernail across one of the pleats in her skirt. “You could follow me home and I’ll fix us some dinner. It’s a little late, but I’m sure I can toss something together fast, even if it’s only spaghetti.” She met his eyes and wished he’d kiss her, or at least give her one of his gorgeous smiles.

Briefly, he laid a hand over hers. “Spaghetti sounds great, but I wasn’t lying when I said I have a major presentation scheduled tomorrow. I need to be in the office early to finish up a few final details. It would be better if I wasn’t yawning my way through them. Can we do it another night?”

“Of course, if you’d rather,” she said, trying not to be deflated.

She waited for him to kiss her.

He did, but it was with a quick, almost sexless brush of his lips that was over almost as soon as it had begun.

“Good night,” he said. “Drive safely.”

“You too,” she whispered around the sudden lump in her throat. “Good night.”

She barely remembered the trip home. Her nerves were stretched as tight as a bowstring by the time she let herself into her apartment. Only when the door was closed and locked behind her did she give in to the tears.

•   •   •

It was Friday night and she’d had a long, dreadful week and an even longer dreadful day. Zack had called the night before, asking if they could meet at her apartment this evening instead of the usual out-of-the-way spot. He wanted to talk, he’d said. She hadn’t asked about what. She already knew—he wanted to break up.

Madelyn fastened the backing onto the second half of a pair of earrings and checked her image in the mirror. She was wearing a silky green pantsuit that hugged each and every curve. If he wanted to end it between them, there was little she could do to stop him. But she figured he should have one last eye-popping look at exactly what it was he was about to give up.

She couldn’t even blame him. From the start, Zack had been up front about what he wanted. Sex without strings. Pleasure and no regrets.

But she did have regrets.

How naive and stupid she’d been to think she wouldn’t. Casual romantic involvements simply weren’t in her nature. Her emotions ran too deep. She felt too much, and with him she felt far more than she’d ever dreamed she could, or would. Lately, she’d indulged in the fantasy that he’d fallen in love with her too. Then she’d had to go and ruin what they did have by saying those three condemning little words, the ones that had made him pull away like a scalded cat.

Well, she wasn’t going to grovel. She’d put on her best face, smile her brightest smile, and pretend that losing him didn’t hurt worse than having her heart ripped out of her chest. As for the “I love you” that had rolled out of her big, stupid mouth in the heat of the moment, she’d been drunk, hadn’t known what she was saying. People said and did all sorts of things they didn’t really mean, especially in moments of inebriated passion. At least she thought they did.

The buzzer sounded. He was here. Without waiting, she pressed the door-release button to let him inside the building. She pinched some color into her pale cheeks, forced her lips to curve into a happy shape, and went to answer the door.

“You should check to make sure who it is before you buzz people in,” Zack scolded as he bent to press a warm kiss against her lips. “You could have been letting a homicidal maniac into the building.”

“There are only so many homicidal maniacs around, even in New York. I figured chances were good one of them wouldn’t show up at the same moment as you.” She closed the door behind him.

“Here, these are for you.” He held out a bouquet of flowers—a cheerful mixture of pink roses, yellow lilies, and white baby’s breath.

Surprised, she accepted them and buried her nose against the petals of one cool, satiny rose. The scent was pure heaven. Why had he brought them? Was it was usual for a man to give presents to the woman he was leaving? A consolation gift of sorts?

She shook the notion aside. “They’re lovely. Thank you. I . . . I should find a vase.” She fled into the kitchen.

Zack followed.

She seemed nervous, no doubt wondering what he’d stopped by to say. He was a bit nervous too, he realized, although he shouldn’t be.

He loitered in the kitchen doorway, watching as she reached upward for a vase, one that resided on the top shelf of a tall cabinet. The sight of her was one he couldn’t help but enjoy, especially the way the material of her pantsuit molded itself to the rounded curves of her bottom and hips.

He stepped close. “Here, let me get that down for you.” It was an easy stretch for him; he retrieved the vase and handed it to her. But he didn’t move away. Instead he took hold of her hips to press her back against him, then bent his head to skim kisses over her cheek, the arch of her neck.

“I meant to wait for a few minutes at least, but it’s hard not to touch.” He leaned into her a fraction more. “Very hard.”

Madelyn set the vase on the counter, fearing she might break it otherwise. “You said you wanted to talk.”

He turned her slowly to face him. “I did, but it can wait, for now.” His lips lowered toward hers.

She stopped him with scarcely a breath remaining between. “No, you’ve got me curious—well, more than curious. Tell me now.” Did he think he could enjoy one last mattress dance with her, then say good-bye? She didn’t think so.

He paused, catching the insistent gleam in her eyes. “All right.” He straightened but kept his hands steady at her waist. “Last weekend started me thinking.”

“About what?”

“Us. How little time we have together. The way we have to hide ourselves and sneak around, pretending we feel nothing for fear someone else might see. The secrecy was okay at first, exciting even, but it’s gotten old. I think we need to reconsider our current arrangement.”

Her heart slammed inside her chest. Was this it? Was he going to end it now?

He linked his hands with hers. “I know we made rules, agreed to keep this between us and us alone, a fling we could both enjoy until the thrill ran out, but we’ve gone beyond that now. Seeing you on the weekends and an occasional stolen evening in between simply isn’t enough anymore. I want you with me openly, at work during the day and in my bed at night, together whenever and wherever we choose. I want to quit hiding. I’m hoping you want that too.”

“You mean you aren’t breaking up with me?” she blurted.

“Is that what you thought? That I’d come here tonight to end things between us?”

She nodded. “You’ve been so distant this week, ever since our last night in Atlantic City when I said . . . when I said . . .”

“When you said you loved me?” he murmured. “So you do remember.”

“Yes. I remember your reaction as well.”

“I’ve had a lot on my mind, a lot of things I needed to sort through. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He cradled her face in his palm, tracing his thumb across her cheek. “Did you mean it, Red? About loving me?”

As blue as a summer lake, her eyes reflected the devotion she felt. “Yes, I meant it. Do you feel the same about me?”

Discussing his feelings was never easy, but for her, for Madelyn, he’d try. “I need you; I know that. I want you more than I can ever remember wanting a woman, any woman. But love, that’s not an emotion I’m very comfortable with. And I can’t say I actually believe it exists, not in the romantic way I think you mean. Caring, protecting, those are feelings I can understand. I care about you Madelyn. I want to be with you and to see you happy. I want us to be happy together.”

What exactly was he saying?

He wanted her. He needed her. He cared for her and wished for her happiness, their happiness. Far from wanting to break up, it sounded like Zack was looking to make a real commitment. . . . A small tendril of hope sprang to life inside her. “Are you asking me to marry you?” she asked hesitantly.

His eyes widened. “Marry you? No, that’s not what I meant at all. . . .”

She shrank back, crushed as if she were a bug he’d stomped into the floorboards. She yanked her hands free. “Oh, then never mind.”

“Obviously I haven’t explained myself well.”

“No, you obviously haven’t.”

She tried to squeeze around him, to flee, but he caught her, trapping her with an arm on either side. “Madelyn, don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“You’re taking this all wrong, especially the last part, the marriage part.”

“And how should I be taking it?”

“Not personally, that’s how. I’m not against marrying
you
per se. It’s marriage I’m against.”

“Oh? So it’s a philosophical matter, then?”

“Exactly.”

“Well, fuck your philosophy.”

He winced but refused to back down. “This isn’t some excuse I’ve made up to give myself a convenient out whenever I want one. I’ve got an out right now, a free pass we both know I can use anytime I want. It’s what you thought I’d come here tonight to do, isn’t it? To get out. And if I’d told you I wanted out, you’d have let me go.”

“Yes,” she agreed in a low voice. “Of course I would have.”

He clasped her arms, rubbing his hands slowly up and down from elbow to shoulder. “But that’s not what either of us wants. Why does the issue of marriage have to matter now when it didn’t only a few minutes ago?”

Why?
she mused. Because his feelings, his attitudes, were out in the open, because the truth once spoken could never be taken back. Because she loved him and wanted him forever and he didn’t feel the same. Still, she had to know. “Why are you so opposed to marriage? I don’t understand.”

He released her and began to pace the room. “Because it changes people, Madelyn, and not for the better. Relationships don’t last. Look at Billy Aikens. If you’d known him when I did, known his wife, you’d have thought it impossible they’d ever split up. They were happy; I mean, really happy. Even when they fought you knew it was only temporary, a quick storm that would blow through and leave no lasting damage. But time passes, things change, feelings end. If they couldn’t make it, hell, who can? And what do they have to show for their twelve years? Battered hearts and a pair of kids that can’t be conveniently split down the middle.”

He fisted his hands. “And the kids—they’re the worst part. They don’t understand why their parents despise each other, wondering what they’ve done to turn them that way, desperate to fix it somehow. Only it can’t be fixed. And of course they haven’t done anything wrong; they’re just pawns caught up in somebody else’s nightmare.”

She thought of his childhood, the small pieces of it he’d shared. His own parents fighting and hating and tearing each other to shreds in ways that had left him and his sister with lifelong scars.

“But some people make it,” she reasoned. “Some marriages last. My parents have been married for over thirty years and they’re still together, still in love. I know they’re happy. I see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, know it by the way they touch and act when they’re together.” She stepped near and placed a palm against his chest. “Marriage doesn’t have to be bad.”

“Maybe not, but usually it is and it’s not worth the risk.”

“How do you know? Until you’ve tried it, how do you know?”

His eyes were bleak. “I have tried it, and it was a miserable failure. I’m never putting myself through such hell again.”

Shock and understanding arrived at the same instant, a sturdy piece of her world slipping from beneath her feet. “You were married?”

“Yes. A long time ago, years now. I was young and stupid, far too stupid to know what I was letting myself in for.”

“Who was she? What was her name?”

“Angela, although I don’t know why that matters. I haven’t set eyes on her since the day we filed for divorce.”

“It matters because she was part of your life, for a while at least. You must have loved her, or thought you did.”

“I suppose I did at first. But it wore off quickly. She’d gotten what she wanted, a hand up, a way out of the boring drudgery of her life, and a free trip to Europe courtesy of the U.S. Army. I was stationed in Germany for most of my tour of duty—I later discovered it was one of the reasons she decided I’d suit as a husband. She’d always wanted to travel, you see. And she wanted social importance, the kind she’d been excluded from at home.

“But I wasn’t nearly important enough, not in the long run, especially after she realized I didn’t plan to make a career out of the service. Her rationale, I guess, for seeking greener pastures and a different bed. I heard she married a colonel a few days after our divorce was final. She had initiative—I’ll give her that.”

“She sounds like a perfect snake.”

“An apt description and exactly the reason she’s not worth discussing any longer. She’s part of the past and has nothing to do with our lives.”

“But she does, only she’s not the one being punished here. I am.”

“My not wanting to marry you is a punishment? I guess I should be flattered at the sentiment. You ought to be counting yourself lucky, though, since believe me, I’m saving you a lot of grief. Sparing us both years of lies and arguments and bitter regrets.”

Sadness overwhelmed her. “Is that how you think it would be between us? Is that what you think of me? That I’m like her, like Angela? Loving you so little that I’d be willing to hurt and deceive you? Betray you?”