The Last Hour (38 page)

“Um ... what are you doing here, Dad?”

“After our talk the other day, I was very concerned about you. And frankly ... that concern is all the greater now.”

I stepped back. “Why?”

Dad’s eyes went to Ray, then back to me. “Is he living here with you?”

“Yes. What of it?”

His eyes shifted to me. “I’d have thought you’d have the courtesy to tell me before you brought a man to live with you in my home.”

“Dad ... it’s
my
home. I’m nearly thirty years old, and I wasn’t aware my living here had stipulations that I had to be treated like a child. If so, we’ll move out immediately.”

“If you don’t wish to be treated like a child, perhaps you shouldn’t behave like one.”

Ray interrupted. “Wait jus’ a damn minute, you don’t talk to her like that.”

My father’s eyes twitched, then looked at Ray with contempt. “This is none of your concern.”

“Dad, please stop.”

“Stop what? Stop being concerned about the welfare of my daughter? No, I will not. Carrie, you’re living with someone who has been accused of
murder.
”

Ray swayed on his feet, then said, “I think you need to go.”

“This is
my
home,” my father said.

“Stop it,” I hissed. “Neither Ray nor I are in any condition to discuss this right now. I’ve had just about the worst day of my adult life, and you think you can just show up here and start casting judgment on who I love and how I live my life? We’re done here. I’m going to bed. If you want to discuss it in the morning, I’ll talk, but
only
if you leave your crappy, judgmental attitude out of it. I called you for
help.
And this is what I get?”

My mouth felt as if it had been stuffed with cotton. I grabbed Ray’s hand and pulled him toward the bedroom, and said, “Good night, Father.”

“I won’t have you sleeping with him under my roof!” my father called out.
 

“Fine,” I replied, my tone cold. “We’ll go to a hotel tonight, and pack and move tomorrow.”

“
Carrie,”
my father said, his voice sounding wounded.
 

Right. I shook my head. What he was saying was this: I was always the
reasonable
one ... always the one to take care of
everyone
else ... always the one who could be
persuaded
. I was the one he’d rested his hopes on after Julia ran off to manage a band, Alexandra got engaged with a disabled soldier, Sarah went off the deep end and Andrea just ... disappeared to Spain. I took care of all of them, helped them through their heartbreaks, protected them, let them cry on my shoulders…

Well, now I was taking care of
me.

I looked away from my father and marched to the bedroom and threw open the closet. My suitcase was on the top shelf. I pulled it down and unzipped it and began randomly throwing clothes inside.
 

Ray took the hint and opened the other closet.

My father appeared in the door, and his eyes widened.
 

He looked away, then back again. “All right,” he said. “I ... I’ll go get a hotel. And we’ll have lunch tomorrow.”

I kept packing.

He grimaced and said, “I’m
sorry.
You’re right.”
 

My shoulders sagged, and I swayed again. I was still drunk, and I knew Ray was too, and ... it was just too much. The moment my dad left, I collapsed into Ray’s arms, exhausted.

“A
ll right. I know you’re worried.
But you all need to leave the unit now. Go home and get some sleep.”

I didn’t want to go. Sarah had only been stabilized for an hour.

But the nurse was right about one thing. I needed to get some sleep, desperately. I could barely stand up straight, and when I did, I found myself swaying, dizzy, my eyes not quite focused.

Dylan steadied me, and Alexandra walked with Jessica. Ray’s parents trailed behind us, and we all left the intensive care unit.

I had no idea where to go. There was no way in hell I was going all the way back to the condo. Depending on the traffic, it might be an hour drive back downtown from Bethesda. If something happened, and I was stuck in traffic, I’d never forgive myself.

I was feeling nauseous again. “Dylan, can you check your phone, find out if there’s any hotels right here? I can’t go out to Bethesda.”

Alexandra said, “It’s all taken care of.”

I raised my eyebrows and looked at her curiously. I felt like I was drunk.

 
“Julia,” she said. “She reserved a couple of suites at the GW Inn, it’s just a couple of blocks from here. Mom and Dad are on their way from Dulles right now, they’re going to meet us at the hotel.”

I sighed in relief. Not because my parents were going to be here, because that just added to my anxiety. But I desperately needed to lie down for a few hours. And I was terrified to go anywhere far.

“Dylan,” I said as we reached the elevator. “In the morning can you do me a favor? Go out to the condo and get my computer. I don’t ... I’m going to need to call some people tomorrow, and I lost my phone.”

“Sure,” he replied. “Or I can find out where they towed the car, I bet your phone’s in there.”

I sniffed. “That’d be great. I need to let Dick Elmore know about the accident, and a couple other people.”

“Pretty sure Smalls would have told him,” he replied.

And so we all walked the two blocks to the hotel. For a few minutes, Michael Sherman put up half of a fight about finding their own room, not wanting to
take charity
. I understood ... Ray would have felt the same way. But I grabbed his upper arm and said, “If you’re worried about it, you can pay Julia back later. But right now Ray needs you close by, and cheap hotels aren’t going to be easy to come by anywhere within an hour’s drive. Please?”

Julia had more money than God; in fact, she had more money than our Dad did, and he’d inherited a lot. And while I knew she dropped literally millions of dollars on the charities she was involved in, there was plenty more where that came from. They could afford to buy the hotel we were walking to, and wouldn’t miss however much money Michael was stressed about.

I didn’t want to deal with my parents right now. The last time I saw my father was at Alexandra’s wedding, and we’d been awkward, tense. Prior to that, the last time we really talked was in March, after that awful night when he showed up at the condo by surprise.

We ended up meeting for lunch the next day, while Ray was off with Major Elmore. Dad had met me at the Thai restaurant just around the corner from the condo.

As we sat down, he had said, “I’d like to apologize for last night. I was in shock when Ray came into the condo, and I reacted badly.”

I smiled at my father. “It’s all right.”

“That said, Carrie, I’m deeply concerned about you. I think you’re making a mistake getting so deeply involved with Ray, given the circumstances.”

“I understand that. But that topic isn’t open to discussion. I’m committed.”

He nodded. “What are your long-term plans?”

“It’s kind of difficult to make long-term plans at the moment. But ... I plan to marry him.”

My father closed his eyes, then said, “And if he goes to prison?”

“I’ll deal with it somehow. It’s not like I can’t support myself.”

Of course, I was putting up a front. It was entirely possible I soon wouldn’t be able to support myself, at least not as a scientist. My father didn’t need to know that right then.

“You understand I’m not comfortable with him living here.”

Our conversation was interrupted when the food arrived, so I didn’t answer right away. But once the waitress had gone, I said, “I’ll be clear, Father. I truly appreciate you letting me live in the condo. Obviously, on my salary, I’d never be able to afford it. But I don’t care if I have to rent an eight hundred dollar studio with gang shootings in the neighborhood. I’m living with Ray. Either you accept that, or you let me know, and I’ll find someplace else to live. I’m not a child. I won’t be treated as one. If you want to let me live in the condo, it comes with no strings attached.”

He grimaced then took a bite of his food. Finally, after a long, uncomfortable pause, he said, “I’ll accept it, even if I don’t like it. I won’t have my daughter living in some place that isn’t safe.”

And that was the end of the conversation.

My parents have, in some ways, always been fascinating to me. Overbearing, over controlling. There’s no question that they love us, but with my mother’s mental health problems and my father’s cold demeanor, it’s a wonder we’ve turned out as well as we have. My mother used to say the most horrible things to all of us, and it took me a long time to realize that it wasn’t out of hate. Or rather, it wasn’t out of hatred toward us ... it was her own self hate that drove the kinds of things she would do. But my Dad ... he was tougher to understand. Withdrawn, isolated, it was often nearly impossible to know what he thought. Half of me was afraid that when they arrived at the hotel, I was going to hear some version of
I told you so
from him, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop myself from hitting him if that happened.

When we got to the hotel, I just sat down on a chair in the lobby and leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes. Dylan and Alexandra took care of getting us checked in. I was feeling queasy again, my stomach doing slow cartwheels, my head feeling swollen. If Ray had been here, he’d have said my head was like Doctor Who’s Tardis: bigger on the inside than the outside. The thought made my eyes prick with tears.

“Carrie? Come on, we got the rooms set. Let’s get you upstairs.” I opened my eyes. Dylan was standing there. My vision was fuzzy.
 

“Sorry,” I said, my voice almost at a whisper. “I can’t even keep my eyes open.”

He held out his hand and pulled me to my feet. I was so tired I overcompensated and stumbled, and Dylan slipped an arm around my waist and held me up. It was probably pretty comical looking ... Dylan’s not short, but next to me he looks it.
 

“Come on,” he said. “Let’s get you upstairs.”

We rode up the elevator in silence. Michael and Kate went in a different door, thank God, and I followed Dylan, Alexandra and Jessica into another. It was a large suite on the top floor, with several bedrooms. Jessica stumbled away into one of the rooms.

“Thank you,” I said to Dylan. “I’m a mess.”

“Get some rest.”

“I’m setting the alarm for 5. Don’t let me sleep any later than that. Please?”

“All right,” he said. “I’ll make sure.”

I collapsed on the bed without getting out of my clothes. I rolled on my side, and half expected Ray to be there. He wasn’t. And for the first time since I was a child, I cried myself into a broken, troubled sleep.

At one point I stirred in the darkness, and I could hear voices, my parents, Julia, Dylan, arguing. I drifted away, Julia’s voice still in my ears, and then I found myself sitting in the grass on the edge of the Potomac River. I recognized the spot, not far from the Lincoln Memorial, where Ray and I picnicked just a few weeks ago. The sun was shining down, and I felt warm where it touched my skin.

I was alone, but I could see people in the distance, on the Mall, and they were out of focus, colors wavering. One of them walked closer to me. And then he slowly came into focus. It was Ray.

I stood and ran toward him. He smiled, and reached out his arms, and wrapped them around me.
 

“I thought I lost you,” I said.

He whispered in my ear, “You’ll never lose me completely. But maybe for a while. I think you’re dreaming right now.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either. Just know ... I love you.”

“I love you,” I replied. “I’ll never give up on you.”

He sighed and held me closer, and we were dancing, slowly, beside the river. He whispered, “I don’t think I’m going to make it, Carrie. You’re going to have to go on without me.”

What the fuck kind of dream was this?

“I don’t want to,” I cried.
 

“I know, babe. I know. But Sarah promised she’d be there. And you’ve got Julia and Alex. You’ll be okay.”

Ray was starting to fade, right in my arms, and I started to sob. “Don’t go,” I whispered. I put my arms around him, as tight as I could, and they just sank through.

“Ray! Wait, please! There’s something you need to know!”

But he was gone. My vision swam, and I was falling, like the day we were skydiving. I could see the ground, far below, and the wind buffeted me. I reached out to take Ray’s hands, but
they weren’t there
, he wasn’t there, and skydiving without him was horrible. I was terrified, and I couldn’t find my parachute. The instructors were gone, and it was dark, and I sobbed, because I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want to lose him, I didn’t want to go on, but I
had to
. Everything spun and went black and I heard, as if it were my own voice, far away, screaming.

I was losing strength.

I was losing myself.

What did she mean?
There’s something you need to know.
What was it? I didn’t know, and as hard as I tried to stay with her, as hard as I tried to stay with her dream, and reassure her, I’d spun out of control and lost contact. The last I saw she was falling, and I was afraid I’d done it to her.