The Language Inside (36 page)

they found the body
she says

what? your aunt?

on Monday

diggers found her

they identified her

by her dental records

and then the air leaves me

and I can’t speak and I’m gasping

and I squeak out
why didn’t you say?

well, your mother’s surgery

anyway, there’s a service next weekend

we’ll be going up

I fumble for the right words in Japanese—

how it’s such a difficult thing

how I’m glad they can say a proper farewell

then I add
light some incense for me, okay?

I have to go
she says

I whisper
take care

I clap a hand to my mouth

and it’s Toby who finds me crying

and I tell him this time

it’s good news

and bad

and together

we tell our mother and father

and my grandmother

and that night we light a candle

and set it on the table

in YiaYia’s kitchen

and bow our heads

to remember

I try to focus on Zena

and the costume

try to keep from thinking

of the little cousins

and their seven months missing

mother now found

and finally I call Samnang

to ask if he’s free on Sunday

to take me to see Zena

to give her the costume

but just as I ask him

I recall he has dance

never mind
I start to say

but he says
sure

if we go around noon

I’ll see if I can get the car

and I’m so relieved

for his kindness again

and then I can’t help it

hope flickers inside me

but then he adds

I’ll ask Serey if she wants to come, too

we can take Lok Ta Leap

and Lok Ta Chea some sweets

and I say to myself

               WHAT was I thinking?

Sunday we go early

to YiaYia’s church

and say prayers

and light a candle for

Madoka’s aunt

under warm bands of light

streaming in through arched windows

I say my own farewell

Serey and Samnang pick me up at noon

and I climb into the backseat

and don’t tell them about the aunt—

I need a rest from all that ache

in the front seat Serey is friendly and funny

turning to chat and catch up with me

and today that’s fine by me

but it’s as if we’re old friends

as if she has no clue that at least

a few people think I “like” Samnang

on the way we stop to pick up

a plastic jack-o’-lantern to fill

with stickers, a bendy spider

barrettes and hair clips for Zena

for Chea Pen and Leap Sok

we get soft candies and chocolates

but Serey and Samnang

shake their heads at jack-o’-lanterns

why?
I say

too creepy
Serey says

they look like heads

or devils

we sign in at the Newall Center

visit the men first

and there’s a sign on their door that says

No Costumes! No Masks! PTSD

PTSD?
I say

post-traumatic stress disorder
Serey says

and I’m relieved that I was so

distracted by Madoka’s aunt

that I didn’t make up my face

green and wear a witch hat

like I’d thought to do

Chea Pen and Leap Sok are surprised

to see us on a Sunday

and with all five of us in the room

it’s like a party

Serey and Samnang give the men

small bags of Cambodian

and American sweets

and some banana cake from Lily

I take pictures

of Serey and Samnang

with Chea Pen

then with Leap Sok

and tell them I’ll print copies

then we go to Zena’s room

where the door is nearly closed

so I knock and start to push it open

but I pause because there is a girl there

                         sitting in a chair beside Zena’s chair

I say
hi, sorry to interrupt

then to Zena

I have something for you

is this an okay time?

and Zena looks up