The Japanese Devil Fish Girl (33 page)

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Authors: Robert Rankin

BOOK: The Japanese Devil Fish Girl
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‘Oh dear, oh dear,’ said George. ‘That is very much the worst.’
 
‘Not quite,’ said Ada. ‘There is one extra bit. The leader of the forces of Evil. He is named throughout the book. And his name is George.’
 
34
 
‘T
his has to be stopped,’ said George to Ada. ‘And somehow we have to stop it.’
 
The lovely Ada Lovelace touched at the golden make-up on her cheek. ‘I was thinking,’ said she, ‘that I might be able to stop it by telling them that
I, Sayito
, have come in peace for all races and that there must be no war and no killing, and that they must all stay right here and live happily ever after.’
 
‘I do like the sound of that,’ said George. ‘But what about what it says in the book?’
 
‘I think that as a living Goddess I hold the right to contradict an old book, don’t you?’
 
George Fox cocked his head on one side and made a certain face.
 
‘And,’ continued Ada, ‘I was actually thinking of destroying the book and having done with it.’
 
‘Ah,’ said George. ‘That might not be the brightest of plans. That might well constitute this Great Blasphemy that will spur them into the Apocalypse.’
 
‘You think so?’ Ada asked.
 
‘Unless it was my arrival with the professor that is deemed to be the Great Blasphemy.’
 
‘I have squared
that
,’ said Ada. ‘When I discovered that I had been invited to an execution and that it was your execution, I spoke to them through the translating machine and told them that you and the professor were my servants. They do not have you down for blasphemers. ’
 
George looked into Ada’s eyes. ‘I cannot tell you, Ada,’ said he, ‘how happy I am to see you alive and well. And being a Goddess certainly suits you. You really look the part. I missed you so much and was so afraid that something terrible had happened to you.’ George Fox gave a little sigh. Ada squeezed his hand.
 
‘The question is,’ she said, ‘how do we escape from here? They will not go on believing for ever that I am a Goddess. What if the
real
Goddess shows up?’
 
‘I do not think that likely,’ said George.
 
‘George,’ said Ada, ‘do you not recall what happened to you when the
Empress of Mars
was going down? How you floated away in a magic bubble? That is not your everyday occurrence, now is it? That is the sort of mystical thing that only happens in a time that is the very End of Days.’
 
‘You really think so?’ said George. ‘It is true that I was led here by a prophecy and thought myself to be on a holy quest.’
 
‘And you could well find yourself leading the losing side in the final Holy War.’
 
‘That is
not
going to happen.’
 
‘Not if
we
can stop it.’
 
George looked hard at Ada Lovelace. ‘Would I be right in believing,’ he asked, ‘that you have come up with a plan?’
 
 
Professor Coffin, George and Ada and Darwin the monkey butler sat in a little council of war atop the skull pyramid.
 
‘I do
not
like it
at all
up here,’ said George to all and sundry up there.
 
‘Be that as it may,’ said Ada, ‘we can speak here without being overheard. They follow me around with that translating machine. I do hope they are not yet beginning to suspect.’
 
‘All will be well, I am sure,’ said Professor Coffin. ‘Which is to say,’ he continued, taking in the fullness of George’s fearsome glare, ‘that all is
presently
well and if the delightful Ada here, whom we all have to thank for our lives, has the kind of plan that I just know she has, we will be out of here and off on our way as soon as soon can be.’
 
George Fox looked towards Ada. Darwin the monkey did likewise.
 
‘I am proposing
this,
’ said Ada. ‘I am not proud of my proposal, but I make it in the hope of saving Mankind.’
 
‘There is much to be proud of there,’ said the professor.
 
‘Be quiet and let her speak,’ said George.
 
‘Quite so.’
 
‘Thank you, George. My proposal is this. The Martians here have a fleet of flying warships. Not spaceships, but craft that can skim through the air and wreak havoc in any part of the globe. I propose that we commandeer one of them.’
 
‘Steal it, you mean?’ said George.
 
‘No,’ said Ada. ‘I will tell them that I wish to travel aloft. Spy out the camps of our wicked enemies. Plan stratagems, et cetera. We will have a Martian pilot fly us out of here.’
 
‘And?’ said George. ‘Go on.’
 
‘We will tell the Martians here to await my return. To do nothing until I return. I will tell them that there will be a sign. But before that sign is to be seen, they must all stay put.’
 
‘That sign could be the Great Blasphemy,’ said George. ‘As no one seems to know what that is, then they will not know if it happens.’
 
‘I like that,’ said Ada. ‘Once aloft and away from here we will acquaint ourselves with the controls of the craft, overpower the pilot and pitch him into the sea.’
 
‘A little job for you then, Darwin,’ said Professor Coffin.
 
Darwin the monkey bared his teeth in reply.
 
‘Naturally we will all muck in,’ said the professor. ‘George and myself. It will be most exciting. Although we could of course just stun the pilot and return with him to London.’
 
George Fox shook his head most firmly.
 
‘No, quite so,’ said Professor Coffin.
 
‘Into the sea with the pilot,’ said Ada. ‘Then we pick up all the survivors from the
Empress of Mars
—’
 
‘I had quite forgotten about
them
,’ said George. ‘I hope that young Master Hitler has come to no harm.’
 
Ada winked a wink at George, who blushed somewhat in return.
 
‘We pick up the survivors,’ she continued. ‘We all return to London. There we hand over the Martian airship to the authorities and give them the latitude and longitude of this island. I am thinking perhaps that an attack with the element of surprise on its side, high explosives dropped from the airship into the crater, and all the Martians might be killed with one single stroke.
 
‘Which is why I am not particularly proud of this plan. But I think it is for the best, if Mankind is to survive.’
 
‘I too think it for the best,’ said Professor Coffin. ‘Young woman, I consider that a most inspired plan. It will be my honour to assist in its fulfilment.’
 
‘Thank you,’ said Ada. ‘But please let me make this quite clear. George told me all about the Scent of Unknowing and so I must warn you of this. One single piece of “funny business” on your part and George, myself and Darwin too, I so believe, will pitch you into the ocean, through which you can swim home to England.’
 
George gazed proudly upon Ada Lovelace. Her bravery was supreme. Should he tell her just how much he loved her?
 
Perhaps on the voyage home
, thought George.
 
‘So,’ said Ada. ‘
That
is my plan. Are we all agreed?’
 
She put out her hand palm down. George placed his upon it. Professor Coffin placed his upon George’s and Darwin placed his on the professor’s. It was a very special moment.
 
A special moment of trust.
 
Behind his back Professor Coffin crossed a pair of fingers. Anything at all could happen on so long a voyage.
 
 
It all might well have seemed too good to be true.
 
That it was pushing the boundaries of credibility to a point where they dispersed into fanciful realms. And if this plan had been formulated by George, George felt it would surely have turned into the very shape of a pear.
 
Ada called together a great meeting of the Lemurian elders, clerics of the Church of Sayito, scholars who studied the book. She spoke eloquently through the translating machine, explaining that she must travel ahead and they must wait behind, doing absolutely nothing until the Great Blasphemy occurred. A Lemurian elder raised a number of tentacles and asked Ada, as She was indeed Sayito and so knew everything about
Her
book, what
precisely
was the Great Blasphemy? Ada, who had certainly been expecting, if not
that
particular question, then one most similar to it, answered that so Great was the Great Blasphemy that even She was not able to speak of it. But so very Great it was that there would be absolutely no confusing it with any minor blasphemy that could not be described and obviously seen as the very Greatest of all Great Blasphemies.
 
This appeared to satisfy the elder. Who went on to ask whether Sayito would be taking Her servants with Her? Or whether She would find new servants elsewhere, and care to leave the old ones here to be eaten.
 
‘I will be taking them with me,’ said Ada. ‘They have sentimental value.’
 
 
There followed a period of feasting. Happily mostly of a vegetarian nature. A period of waiting about whilst a flying ship was fuelled and suitably provisioned. A period which Ada, George and the professor passed most nervously. And then a great procession. Much bunting and beer stands. Discordant music and a pleasant stroll to a bulky airship tethered atop the horrid pyramid of skulls.
 
Pleasantries were exchanged through the translating machine.
 
Ada offered many blessings and stressed again and again that absolutely
nothing
must occur until the time of the Great Blasphemy. She gratefully accepted a large casket of oversized jewels as a going-away present, held her nose and kissed a Martian baby.
 
Then she, George, the professor and Darwin scaled the pyramid of skulls, stepped up the gangway onto the flying ship, waved final farewells.
 
And prayed very hard as the airship rose aloft.
 
A roof within the volcano’s crater slid open. The airship drifted into the bluest of skies. The roof closed leaving no trace of its very existence.
 
Through the onboard translating machine Ada ordered the pilot to circle the island and demonstrate the craft’s capabilities.
 
A pleasant hour was spent in this. And then Ada invited the pilot onto the open observation deck where they might take a little stroll together. She indeed took a little stroll, he a slime-trailed slurp.
 
Ada drew the pilot’s attention to something in the distance. At which moment George, the professor and Darwin promptly pitched him over the guardrail and down to the sea beneath.
 
‘Most ably done,’ said Ada Lovelace. ‘But should not one of you be steering the ship?’
 
 
The survivors of the
Empress of Mars
were most delighted to see them. Even little Master Hitler’s face lit up.
 
‘All aboard at the hurry-up,’ called Ada. Recalling that Martian cameras monitored the island and hoping that none were presently active.
 
All aboard it was and bound for home.
 
Ada and George were gratified to hear that a surviving sky-man from the
Empress of Mars
had worked out the map location of the island with the aid of the Jupiterian hunters who had survived the assault of the flying monkeys and fled back to the beach.

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