Read The Japanese Devil Fish Girl Online
Authors: Robert Rankin
The Japanese Devil Fish Girl (10 page)
A deal of alcohol-induced comedy climbing up there concluded with the two of them side by side and flat upon their backs, gazing up at the stars.
‘You knew,’ said George. ‘And do not deny that you did.’
‘I assume you refer to the Japanese Devil Fish Girl,’ Professor Coffin said.
‘You knew that She is known as Sayito. And because Macmoyster Farl said that I would one day open
The
Book of Sayito
and meet
Her
, you took me to that very alehouse and steered the conversation around to that very subject.’
The
Book of Sayito
and meet
Her
, you took me to that very alehouse and steered the conversation around to that very subject.’
‘You give me credit for subtlety and subversiveness that I would be proud to possess.’
‘So it is all just a coincidence?’ George gave a drunken hiccup.
‘On this occasion, yes. Although some might discern the finger of Fate pointing, pointing, pointing.’ Professor Coffin pointed a finger at George. ‘Pointing at you, young George.’
‘I am no one special,’ said George. ‘Although I know I would like to be.’
‘Then perhaps this is your moment. This very day the turning point in your life.’
‘Really?’ said George. ‘Do you really think so?’
‘I believe that everyone has such a moment. But few are they who recognise it as such and follow where Fate leads them.’
‘Well,’ said George. ‘I do not know what to say.’
A shooting star passed across the sky and George Fox wished upon it.
The dawn brought with it spots of rain, and the rooftop lost its charm.
‘Where to now?’ asked George, as he took to blearily raking out the firebox of the traction engine. ‘Onward with the wagons to another fair, or what?’
Professor Coffin brought forth a hip flask, poured a tot of ‘Mother’s Ruin’ into its cap and offered this to George.
‘An early-morning enlivener,’ he said. ‘But surely you recall our late-night conversation?’
‘That my moment has come and I must follow where Fate will lead?’
‘The very same. What are your thoughts upon this matter this morning?’
George gazed off all around and about. The show folk were stirring from their tents and caravans. Loading up their gaily painted wagons. Priming their steam engines, stoking coal. Romany women washed their clothes in oversized zinc baths. Ragged children played amongst the show boards and rolled canvas.
George took a deep and steadying breath. ‘I love this life,’ he said.
Professor Coffin eyed him thoughtfully. ‘You are a natural to it,’ he said. ‘But it will not suit for ever. There is more to you, young George. More that is still to be discovered.’
‘And the Japanese Devil Fish Girl?’ George asked.
‘Whom some call Sayito?’
George made a face that had no expression. ‘What do you make of it all?’
‘It is what
you
make of it all that matters, George. You are the one who has been offered prophecy. If
you
were to ask
me
to join you in a search for the most wonderful being in all of the universe, the greatest sideshow attraction that ever ever existed, what do
you
think
my
answer might be?’
you
make of it all that matters, George. You are the one who has been offered prophecy. If
you
were to ask
me
to join you in a search for the most wonderful being in all of the universe, the greatest sideshow attraction that ever ever existed, what do
you
think
my
answer might be?’
‘I can smell Martian from here,’ said George. ‘I think your answer would be “yes”.’
‘So, do we seek Her? What do you think?’
‘I think we
do
,’ said George.
do
,’ said George.
Professor Coffin did a little dance. He spat into the palm of his right hand and smacked it into George’s. ‘When you find this wonder,’ he said merrily, ‘and I do mean when and not if.
When
you find this wonder, you must promise me that we will go fifty-fifty on all of the takings.’
When
you find this wonder, you must promise me that we will go fifty-fifty on all of the takings.’
‘Fifty-fifty?’ said George.
‘If that suits you, my boy.’
‘It does indeed.’
‘Then that is the deal shaken on.’
This deal shaken on, the two of them stood with their hands in their pockets gazing around and about.
‘So,’ said George.
‘So indeed,’ said the professor.
‘Right,’ said George.
‘As right as a nine-penny portion,’ said the professor.
‘Cheese,’ said George.
And, ‘Cheese?’ said the professor.
‘I have run out of things to say,’ said George.
‘Fiddle de, fiddle dum. We must formulate a plan of campaign.’
‘I would not reject breakfast out of hand,’ said George.
‘A plan of campaign,’ said Professor Coffin. ‘If we are to discover this wonder, it would be well for us to have some inkling of where to search. Do you not agree?’
‘Japan,’ said George. Without hesitation.
‘It would seem the logical place to start.’ Professor Coffin took to pacing up and down, measuring his strides with his cane.
‘We shall cross the Channel,’ said George, ‘work our way through Europe, then traverse Russia, then China, then down the Korean Peninsula to Japan.’
‘Your knowledge of geography is profound,’ said the professor.
‘It was one of my favourite subjects at school.’
‘And arithmetic?’ Professor Coffin asked.
‘I have some skills in that discipline, yes.’
‘Then perhaps you would care to calculate how many days it would take a traction engine with a top speed of five miles per hour to span the continent of Europe, cross Russia, China and Korea and fetch up in Tokyo?’
George attempted certain mental calculations. He folded his brow with the effort.
‘Let me spare you a banjoing of the brain, George,’ said the professor. ‘A very, very, very long time would be the answer to that. And whether the engine would even hold up past Calais, I would not care to wager upon.’
‘Then we are lost,’ said George. ‘It cannot be done.’
‘There are other modes of transport,’ the professor said. ‘We live in the Modern Age, remember. There are steam trains now that can travel at sixty miles an hour. And other vessels faster still than that.’
‘Ah,’ said George. ‘You speak of course of spaceships. They may take the wealthy upon the Grand Tour, but there are no spaceports in Japan.’
‘True,’ said Professor Coffin. ‘There are no spaceports anywhere upon this Earth but London. But there are other craft that fly in the sky and one that is bound for Japan.’
George lifted his bowler hat and gave a scratch to his head.
‘You marvelled at it only two days back, young George.’ Professor Coffin fished into his waistcoat pocket and pulled out a printed flysheet. ‘I saw this a-blowing along the road. I do not know why I picked it up, but I did. This, young George, is how we will reach Japan.’
George took the crumpled paper, unfolded same and put his gaze upon it.
AROUND THE WORLD IN SEVENTY-NINE DAYShe read.GREAT FLIGHT OF WONDER
SEVENTEEN CAPITAL CITIES TO BE VISITED
UPON THIS STUPENDOUS
AERIAL PERAMBULATION OF THE PLANET
PARIS – ROME – MOSCOW – TOKYO ETC.THE EMPRESS OF MARS
THE WORLD’S MOST MODERN AIRSHIP
TAKES FLIGHTS FROM
THE ROYAL LONDON SPACEPORT AT SYDENHAM
27TH JULY 1895Tickets from 200 gns
George looked up at Professor Coffin. ‘The
Empress of Mars
?’ he said.
Empress of Mars
?’ he said.
‘And she takes flight three days from now.’
‘But two hundred guineas a ticket,’ George said. ‘How could we come by such wealth?’
‘Ah,’ said the professor. ‘It might be done. In such a noble and adventurous cause, we might sell the wagon and its contents.’
‘The Martian?’ said George, with relish in his voice.
‘And the traction engine. Mandible Haxan would willingly purchase it back.’
‘But four hundred guineas?’
‘It will require enterprise on both our parts. This is a huge commitment for me, young George. I will be parting with everything. We will have to live entirely on our wits alone. Does that thrill you, or fill you full of fear?’
‘A little of both, as it happens,’ said George.
‘So, shall we do it, my boy?’
‘The
Empress of Mars
,’ said George, wistfully. ‘To fly on the
Empress of Mars
.’
Empress of Mars
,’ said George, wistfully. ‘To fly on the
Empress of Mars
.’
‘To seek the Japanese Devil Fish Girl,’ said Professor Coffin.
11
F
rom its very genesis, Earth’s first spaceport gave cause for concern and controversy. The British Empire’s back-engineering of crashed Martian spaceships and subsequent annihilation of the Martian race brought forth worldwide rejoicings. And the arrival of emissaries from Venus and Jupiter, to welcome Earth into the fellowship of planets (a fellowship from which Mars had been notably excluded due to its people’s warlike nature and expansionist policies), with the emissaries presenting themselves before the court of Queen Victoria, gave rise to further exultations of joy.
rom its very genesis, Earth’s first spaceport gave cause for concern and controversy. The British Empire’s back-engineering of crashed Martian spaceships and subsequent annihilation of the Martian race brought forth worldwide rejoicings. And the arrival of emissaries from Venus and Jupiter, to welcome Earth into the fellowship of planets (a fellowship from which Mars had been notably excluded due to its people’s warlike nature and expansionist policies), with the emissaries presenting themselves before the court of Queen Victoria, gave rise to further exultations of joy.
But there the fun and jollification and the elation at opening trade and communing between planets ceased. For anyone other than the wealthy of the British Empire. The British Empire owned the Martian spaceships. The British Empire had exclusive use of these spaceships to commune between the planets. The British Empire signed treaties and trade agreements with the Venusians and Jovians.
The British Empire would build the Earth’s first
and
only
spaceport. In London.
and
only
spaceport. In London.
The Americans were not best pleased. They wanted a spaceport built in Washington. P. T. Barnum, considered by most, if not all, to be the world’s greatest showman, had even promised to finance the building of the Washington Spaceport (as long as he might be allowed to run the food concessions there and establish a permanent circus in the arrivals building).
Requests had been put in from France, the Prussian Empire and Czarist Russia. The British Empire held firm. The one and only spaceport would be in London.
Then came the matter of design, for the buildings, hangars, landing platforms and so forth. Naturally, only British architects and engineers would be given consideration. And – and here once more conspiracy theories came into their own – it was said that only high-ranking Freemasons need apply. A fist fight broke out in the House of Commons between Isambard Kingdom Brunel, designer of the Great Western Railway and just about anything else that could be constructed from iron and steel, and Alfred Waterhouse, architect of the Natural History Museum and pretty much anything else that might be raised from terracotta brick.
Brunel won the fight, but Waterhouse took the contract with a design based upon Charles Barry’s neo-Gothic masterpiece, the Houses of Parliament. The architectural designs were passed personally by Her Majesty Queen Victoria, who considered them eminently suitable. For, to quote her words: ‘As the Houses of Parliament pass bills to convey fairness, justice, truth and virtue throughout this world, so such a design will convey these concepts to travellers from other worlds.’
Whether these travellers from other worlds would embrace British democracy or indeed seek to influence Earthly politics and political thinkings was another cause for concern. Particularly when it came to matters theological.
The invaders from Mars, proving, as they did, that intelligent life existed upon other worlds, caused considerable stir amongst this world’s religious bodies. Earth had, up until then, cornered the market in God, so to speak. That other planets were inhabited and that the denizens of these worlds held to other religious faiths that did not precisely mirror our own was sorely vexing to the Earthly church hierarchies.
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