The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (2 page)

Caring parents of introverted children continually ask me how they can support their “innie” child’s growth. The desire is there; those in a position to help simply don’t know what these children need or how they can provide it. I also hear from introverted parents about how they struggle with parenting extroverted children. My goal is to close the gap between innies and “outies,” or extroverts, and to teach the language of introverts to parents and other caretakers who need to speak it. I watch people’s reactions to my introverted grandchildren, and I hear from introverted children and their parents in my psychotherapy practice. And I certainly remember my own struggles as an introverted child trying to find my way.

The number-one concern I hear from parents and other adults working with introverted children is, “Will they succeed in the extroverted world as adults if they stay as they are? Shouldn’t they be pushed to be more extroverted?” And my answer is a loud—loud, at least, for an introvert—and resounding NO. Trying to impose a new personality onto an introvert will only lower his self-esteem, increase his guilt and shame about who he is, and perhaps add crippling shyness to his introverted temperament. Introverted children really are small wonders. Accept them as they are. By supporting their natural resources you will allow their gifts to grow. Being an introvert and being self-assured are not mutually exclusive. Confident introverted children will forge adult lives of meaning, value, and creativity.

Often, however, innies are late bloomers. This is because the brain functions that govern their mental orientation are the latest to mature. (Don’t worry—I explain all of this in
Chapter 2
.) These
“introverted brains” are hardwired to support careers in the arts and professions that require years of training. Introverts predominate in fields such as science, architecture, education, computer science, solo sports, psychology, the visual, literary, and dramatic arts, and—believe it or not—the military. This is due to their excellent ability to focus and their willingness to explore topics in depth. Contrary to common assumptions, introverts are also CEOs, salespeople, actors, television hosts, celebrities, famous athletes, and politicians. Introverts are achievers. But they would not have to contend with so many painful or confused childhood years if more adults could help them identify their strengths and encourage them to cherish these abilities. Everyone benefits when introverts get the help they need in order to grow into their gifts. It makes the world a richer place.

How I Researched This Book

“
Because of your true self, you are you and nobody else.” —Dario Nardi

After my first book was published, I met and talked to introverts from all over the United States and Canada. I also received thousands of e-mails from introverts throughout the world, telling me their thoughts. I have also interviewed parents, teachers, and, most important, introverted children about their unique experiences.

Meanwhile, I pored over the latest academic studies. Researchers have found that of all the personality traits studied, where someone stands on the introvert/extrovert continuum is the most predictable trait over time. The reliability of this personality dimension raised the question: What are the physiological underpinnings of introversion and extroversion? This launched literally thousands of research experiments attempting to determine the underlying processes that make someone an introvert or an extrovert. Once, all we had were
theories and personality tests like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) as a means of identifying temperament. Now we have precise scientific tools such as magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), positron emission tomography (PET) scans, data from brain-damaged stroke patients, and long-term twin studies to help us understand, probe, and map the inner workings of the brain and body.

Studies that shed light on the nature and origins of introversion are fascinating to me. They demonstrate that there are physiological reasons why introverts are the way they are and confirm my view that attempting to change an innie into an outie is not merely damaging but futile. Many innies feel ashamed that types of interactions that others find so easy are challenging for them. The scientific basis for introversion can assure introverted children and their parents that there is nothing wrong with them and that their difficulties are not for lack of skill or trying.

Most of the tens of thousands of physiological and psychological studies don’t reach the general public (unless of course they are sensational enough to catch the eye of the media). I have done my best to include findings relevant to introverts in numerous fields, including physiology, anatomy, neuroscience, education, stress reduction, personality, creativity, early childhood development, psychoanalysis, genetics, cognitive science, evolutionary psychology, addiction, and sociology. I have also interviewed parents, teachers, and introverted children themselves about their experiences.

Twelve People You’d Be Surprised to Learn Are (or Were) Introverts

“
Lots of people with big ears are famous.” —from the film
Dumbo

One might think that actors, celebrities, presidents, and others who capture the public eye would be extroverts. However, lots of those whose names dominate the marquee or the front page are temperamentally introverts. Here are just twelve of the many:

• J
OHNNY
C
ARSON
. According to
The Oregonian
, “Carson was an introvert, a Midwesterner with sharp comic timing.”

• D
IANE
S
AWYER
, who said, “People assume you can’t be an introvert and be on television. They’re wrong.”

• W
ARREN
B
UFFETT
, I
NVESTOR AND
CEO
OF
B
ERKSHIRE
H
ATHAWAY
, I
NC
. “Warren Buffett is an inspector-type introvert.” (
The Warren Buffett Way
, by Robert Hagstrom)

• J
ULIA
R
OBERTS
, who naps through most of her lunch breaks. “It makes me a much nicer person,” she says.

• J
OHNNY
D
EPP
. Asked why he moved to France, Depp replied, “Simplicity, really. There I wasn’t thrown into the spotlight.”

• M
ICHAEL
D
ELL
, former CEO of Dell Computer Corporation, who
BusinessWeek
says describes himself as an “off-the-chart introvert.”

• J
ACQUELINE
K
ENNEDY
. “She would get on the same track with you, and listen, making you feel that what you had to say was the most important thing in the world.” (
What Jackie Taught Us
, by Tina Flaherty)

• B
ILL
G
ATES
. When he was in sixth grade, his extroverted mother thought Gates needed counseling. She didn’t understand why her son stayed in his basement room so much. When she asked him what he was doing, he responded with some irritation, “Thinking.” (
In Search of the Real Bill Gates
, by Walter Isaacson)

• S
TEVE
M
ARTIN
. “Martin is now an art connoisseur and is known to sequester himself alone in a room of paintings for hours on end to refresh his mind and spirit. He’s a very private and introspective man.” (
Steve Martin: The Magic Years
, by longtime friend Morris Walker)

• K
EANU
R
EEVES
. “He’s Hollywood’s ultimate introvert,” says
Entertainment Magazine
.

• A
UDREY
H
EPBURN
. “I’m an introvert,” she told interviewer Rex Reed.

• J
OAN
A
LLEN
, who says, “My career is not a skyrocket kind of thing. It has worked well for my temperament.” Her company is named “Little by Little.”

Although each introverted child is unique, they do have many common characteristics. Introverted children have rich inner lives, and understanding them is like embarking on an incredible journey. It is not difficult to learn to speak “innie,” and the rewards are great. Your experience as a parent will be enriched as your child develops strengths, concludes for herself that it is
better than okay
to be an innie, and learns to flourish in the extroverted world.

The most common pitfalls for introverted children are getting lost in their interior world and being overlooked by the outside world. When parents make it a point to talk to and truly listen to their innie children, those children learn to move with ease between their inner thoughts and the social world. If innie children grow up feeling accepted and comfortable in their family interactions, they will believe in themselves and have solid self-esteem. They will be able to move easily between their lush inner realm and the exterior world. They will know how to keep their “energy tanks” full and how to manage the stimulation of their surroundings. Read on to find out
why
introverted children behave as they do and
how
you can help them reach their potential.

PART I
Appreciating Different Designs

“
You never really understand a person until you consider things from their point of view.” —Harper Lee

CHAPTER 1
Was an Introverted Child Dropped Down Your Chimney?

What Introversion Is—And What It Isn’t

“
One is always in the dark about one’s own personality. One needs others to get to know oneself.” —Carl Jung

Ten-year-old Matthew can seem like two different kids. He loves his home and his dogs and is interested in tons of things, particularly when it comes to nature and animals. When he’s in a familiar setting, Matthew can be quite energetic and chatty; he’ll be happy to tell any visitor about how birds attract their mates or about the three-day-old foal he got to pet. In other settings, however, he is usually quiet. He holds his body and his face still. He watches and observes before joining into activities. Although Matthew likes to play with his friend Sam after school, he complains if he has to stay too late because the kids all do their homework together in the crowded, noisy gym. “I can’t concentrate,” he laments.

Matthew falls on the introverted end of the temperament continuum. His natural energy, perceptions, and decisions flow inward toward his private world of thoughts, feelings, and ideas. He enjoys mulling things over because it’s stimulating and energizing to him. He’s happy to share what he’s thinking and experiencing. But too many external activities deplete his energy.

With Austin, also ten, what you see is what you get. As soon as his mom picks him up after school, he’s chatting away about his day. On the ride home he yells out the car window to his friends. He is talkative and expressive and takes little convincing when it comes to trying out new experiences. Austin wants to know what’s on the agenda after he and his mom get home. Can his friend Aaron come over? It’s too nice a day to simply sit at home! He likes to do his homework at the kitchen table so he doesn’t miss out on anything.

Austin is on the extroverted end of the temperament continuum. His energy flows out toward the external world of activities, things, and people. He scans the environment for stimuli. He is drawn toward hustle and bustle, which invigorates him. Being alone for too long saps his energy.

Many people think of introverts and extroverts like this: You’re at a party and the introvert is hovering in the shadows, clinging to the wall and growing petals and leaves. The extrovert is wearing a brightly colored lampshade as a hat and pushing into the center of every conversation. But introverts and extroverts aren’t necessarily defined by their behavior. Rather, these terms reflect a person’s
source of energy
and
orientation
to the world. Matthew and Austin are both bright, engaging children. Each of them may be lively or quiet, chipper or moody, depending on the situation or setting.

Introversion is actually an inborn temperament based on your child’s genetic makeup. Temperament is not personality per se; it is a constellation of traits that governs one’s lifelong pattern of reacting and behaving to certain situations. Introverts generally prefer
stimulation in small, manageable doses, whereas extroverts seek lots of action and excitement. An introvert may pursue topics in depth, while an extrovert would be more oriented toward breadth—trying many different things. An introvert often needs time to “process” his emotions before responding; an extrovert is more likely to react in the moment. A person’s temperament cannot be changed at will. Understanding your child’s temperament, however, can help you nurture his strengths and minimize his discomfort.

In our society, extroverts outnumber introverts by about three to one. However, it’s not always a matter of being all one or the other; most people possess both introverted and extroverted tendencies. It’s useful to think of a continuum, with “pure” introverts on one side and “pure” extroverts on the other. Most people fall somewhere in the middle of the continuum. For example, I like to think of introversion/extroversion as resembling right-handedness or left-handedness. A right-handed person can still use her left hand, but the right hand is dominant. Granted, this analogy only takes us so far. As I mentioned, introverts and extroverts fall on a continuum. Some innies are very introverted, some less so; likewise with extroverts. And because energy ebbs and flows, some introverts may seem more or less introverted from one day to the next. Nonetheless, I like the analogy because we can all imagine what it’s like to have to use our “wrong” hand for extended periods. That’s similar to what introverts experience when they try to meet the expectations of an extroverted world.