The Hidden Assassins (21 page)

‘With messy histories,’ said Falcón, nodding.

Seville—Wednesday, 7th June 2006, 08.43 hrs

The radio promised the Sevillanos a day of towering heat, in excess of 40°C, with a light Saharan breeze to sting the eyeballs, dry the sweat and render the site of the destroyed building a serious health hazard. Consuelo was still groggy from the pill she’d taken at three in the morning, when she’d realized that watching Darío’s fluttering eyelids was not going to help her sleep. As always, she had a busy day ahead, which would now be enclosed by the parentheses of sessions with Alicia Aguado. She did not think about them. She was removed from what was happening. She was more aware of the bone structure of her face and the snug mask of her skin, behind which she hoped to keep operating.

The mood of the radio presenter was sombre. His words of reflection did not penetrate, nor did his announcement of a minute’s silence for the victims of the bombing, which had been called for midday. Her eyelids closed and opened as if she was expecting a new scene with every blink, rather than the same scene, minutely changed.

The sleeping pill dulled the adrenaline leak into her system. Had she been any sharper, the terrifying sense of coming apart that she’d experienced yesterday would have been too powerful a memory, and she would have glided past Aguado’s consulting room and driven straight to work. As it was, she parked the car and let her legs carry her up the stairs. Her hand engaged with Alicia Aguado’s white palm as her hips fitted between the arms of the lovers’ chair. She bared her wrist. Words came to her from some way off and she didn’t catch them.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m still a little tired. Can you repeat that?’

‘Last night, did you think about what I told you to?’

‘I’m not sure that I remember what I told…what you told me to think about.’

‘Something that made you happy.’

‘Oh, yes, I did that.’

‘Have you been taking drugs, Consuelo? You’re very slow this morning.’

‘I took a sleeping pill at three this morning.’

‘Why couldn’t you sleep?’

‘I was too happy.’

Aguado went to the kitchen and made a powerful café solo and gave it to Consuelo, who knocked it back.

‘You have to be sharp for our meetings, or there’s no point,’ said Aguado. ‘You have to be in touch with yourself.’

Aguado stood in front of Consuelo, tilted her face up, as if she were positioning a small child for a kiss, and pressed her thumbs into her forehead. Consuelo’s vision brightened. Aguado sat back down.

‘Why couldn’t you sleep?’

‘I was thinking too much.’

‘About all those things that made you “too happy”?’

‘Happiness is not my normal condition. I needed a respite.’

‘What is your normal condition?’

‘I don’t know. I cover it too well.’

‘Are you listening to yourself?’

‘I can’t help it. I have no resistance.’

‘So you didn’t do what I told you to do last night.’

‘I told you. Happiness is not my normal condition.

‘I’m not drawn to it.’

‘What
did
you do?’

‘I watched my children sleeping.’

‘What does that tell you about the condition that you
are
drawn to?’

‘It’s uncomfortable.’

‘Do you drive yourself hard in your work?’

‘Of course, it’s the only way to be successful.’

‘Why is success important to you?’

‘It’s an easier measure…’

‘Than what?’

Panic rose in Consuelo’s constricting throat.

‘It’s easier to measure one’s success in business than it is to measure, or rather to see…perceive…You know what I’m trying to say.’

‘I want you to say it.’

Consuelo shifted in her half of the seat, took a deep breath.

‘I balance my failures as a person by showing the world my brilliance in business.’

‘So, what is your success to you?’

‘It’s my cover. People will admire me for that, whereas if they knew who I really was, what I had done, they would despise me.’

‘Do your three children sleep in separate bedrooms?’

‘Now they do, yes. The two older boys need their own space.’

‘When you watch them sleeping, who do you spend most time with?’

‘The youngest, Darío.’

‘Why?’

‘He is still very close to me.’

‘Is there an age gap?’

‘He’s four years younger than Matías.’

‘Do you love him more than the other two?’

‘I know I shouldn’t, but I do.’

‘Does he look more like you or your late husband?’

‘Like me.’

‘Have you always looked at your children sleeping?’

‘Yes,’ she said, thinking about it. ‘But it’s only become…obsessive in the last five years, since my husband was murdered.’

‘Did you look at them any differently, compared to now?’

‘Before, I would look at them and think: these are my beautiful creations. Only after Raúl’s death did I begin to sit amongst them—I put them all in the same room for a while—and, yes, it was then that the pain started. But it’s not a bad pain.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘I don’t know. Not all pain is bad. In the same way that not all sadness is terrible and not all happiness that great.’

‘Talk me through that,’ said Aguado. ‘When is sadness not so terrible?’

‘Melancholy can be a desirable state. I’ve had affairs with men which have satisfied me while they lasted
and when they finished I was sad, but with the knowledge that it was for the best.’

‘When can happiness not be so great?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Consuelo, twirling her free hand. ‘Maybe when a woman comes out of a courtroom saying that she’s “happy” her son’s killer was sentenced to life imprisonment. I wouldn’t call that…’

‘I’d like you to personalize that for me.’

‘My sister thinks I’m happy. She sees me as a healthy, wealthy and successful woman with three children. When I told her about our sessions she was stunned. She said: “If you’re nuts, what hope is there for the rest of us?”’

‘But when do you see
your
happiness as not being so great?’

‘That’s what I mean,’ said Consuelo. ‘I should be happy now, but I’m not. I have everything anybody could wish for.’

‘What about love?’

‘My children give me all the love I need.’

‘Do they?’ asked Aguado. ‘Don’t you think that children
take
a lot of loving? You are their guiding light in the nurturing process, you teach them and give them confidence to face the world. They reward you with unconditional love because they are conditioned to do that, but they don’t know what love is. Don’t you think that children are essentially selfish?’

‘You don’t have children, Alicia.’

‘We’re not here to talk about me. And not every point of view that comes from me is my own,’ said Aguado. ‘Do you think life can be complete without adult love?’

‘A lot of women have come to the conclusion that
it can be,’ said Consuelo. ‘Ask all those battered wives we have in Spain. They’ll tell you that love can be the death of you.’

‘You don’t look like the battered type.’

‘Not physically.’

‘Have you suffered mental torment from a man?’

A tremor shuddered through Consuelo and Aguado’s fingers jumped off her wrist. Consuelo thought that she’d kept the content of this session at a remove. What she’d been saying was in her head, of course, but it was confined there, fenced in. But now somehow it had broken out. It was as if the mad cows had realized the flimsiness of the barriers and crashed through to stampede around her body. She felt the wild terror of yesterday. The sense of coming apart—or was it the fear of something that had been contained getting loose?

‘Keep calm, Consuelo,’ said Aguado.

‘I don’t know where this fear comes from. I’m not even sure whether it’s associated with what I’ve been saying, or if it’s from some other source that’s suddenly leaked into the mainstream.’

‘Try to put it into words. That’s all you can do.’

‘I’ve become suspicious of myself. I’m beginning to think that a large chunk of my existence has been kept satisfied, or perhaps tied down, by some illusion that I’ve devised to keep myself going.’

‘Most people prefer the illusory state. It’s less complicated to live a life feeding off TV and magazines,’ said Aguado. ‘But it’s not for you, Consuelo.’

‘How do
you
know? Maybe it’s too late to start breaking things down and rebuilding them.’

‘I’m afraid it’s too late for you to
stop
,’ said Aguado. ‘That’s why you’ve ended up here. You’re like someone
who’s walked down an alleyway and seen a naked foot sticking out of a rubbish bin. You want to forget about it. You don’t want to get involved. But unfortunately you’ve seen the foot too clearly and you’ll get no peace until the matter is resolved.’

‘The reason I came here was because of the man in the Plaza del Pumarejo—my bizarre…attraction to him and its danger to me. Now we’ve talked about other things, unrelated to that, and I have the feeling that I’ve got nowhere to go. Nowhere in my head is safe. Only my work takes my mind elsewhere, and that’s only temporary. Even my children have become potentially dangerous.’

‘None of it is unrelated,’ said Aguado. ‘I’m teasing out the threads from the tangled knot. Eventually we’ll find the source and, once you’ve seen it and understood it, you’ll be able to move on to a happier life. This terror has its rewards.’

Inés woke up in a convulsion of fear. She blinked, taking in the room a piece at a time. Esteban wasn’t there. His pillow was undented. She creaked up on an elbow and threw off the sheet. The pain made her whimper. She panted like a runner, summoning energy for the next lap, the next level of pain.

There didn’t seem to be a pain-free position. She had to think her way around her body, trying to find new pathways to limbs and organs that didn’t hurt. She got up on to all fours and gasped, hanging her head, staring down the tunnel of her falling hair. Tears blurred her vision. There was a circle of diluted red on her pillow. She got a foot down on to the floor and slid off the bed. She shuffled to the mirror and pushed
her hair back. She could not believe it was her head on top of that body.

The contusions were gross. An abstract of purple, blue, black and yellow had spread out over her entire chest area and now joined the bruise on her torso, which reached down as far as her pubic hair. It was true, she did bruise easily. It wasn’t as bad as it looked. The pain was more from stiffness than actual damage. A warm shower would help.

In the bathroom she caught sight of her back and buttocks. The welts looked angrier and uglier. She would have to disinfect the punctures left by the buckle. How easily this new regime came to her. She ran the water, held her hand—still puffy from where her finger had been bent back—underneath the flow. She stepped in and held on to the mixer tap, gasping at the pain of the water falling on her. She wouldn’t be able to wear a bra this morning.

Tears came. She sank to the floor of the shower. The water seethed through her hair. What had happened to her? She couldn’t even think of herself in the first person singular any more, she was so distant from the woman she used to be. She slapped the shower off and crawled out like a beaten dog.

She found reserves she didn’t know she had. She took painkillers. She was going to work. It was impossible to stay in the hell of this apartment. She dried herself off, got dressed and made up. Nothing showed. She went out and caught a cab.

The driver talked about the bomb. He was angry. He hit his steering wheel. He called them bastards, without knowing who ‘they’ were. He said that the time had come to stop fucking about and teach these people a
lesson. Inés didn’t engage. She sat in the back, gnawing at the inside of her cheek, thinking how much she needed somebody to talk to. She went through all her friends. They were hopeless. Not one could she describe as intimate. Her colleagues? All good people, but not right for this. Family? She couldn’t bear to reveal her failure. And it came to her out of the blue, a thought she’d never allowed herself before: her mother was a stupid person and her father a pompous ass who thought he was an intellectual.

The office was empty. She was relieved. Her schedule told her she had two meetings and then nothing. She’d made sure there was nothing because she had to prepare for a court appearance the next day. She headed for the door and one of her male colleagues blundered in with an armful of files. The pain of their collision detonated in her head. Fainting seemed like the only option to wipe clean the pain circuit. She dropped and held on to her foot as a distraction. Her colleague was all over her, saying he was sorry. She left without a word.

Meetings passed. Only at the end of the second one did the judge ask her if she was all right. She went to the lavatory and tried to ignore the trickle of blood she saw slowly dissipating in the water. Her period? She hadn’t had one. It wasn’t due. She didn’t care. She took more painkillers.

She went across the avenue to the Murillo Gardens. She knew what she was after: she wanted to see the whore again. She wasn’t sure why. One part of her wanted to show the whore what he’d done to her, the other part…What did the other part want?

The whore wasn’t there. It was hot. The street signs
told her it was 39°C at 11.45. She walked through the Barrio Santa Cruz, amongst the ambling tourists. How was she going to find the whore? The painkillers were good. Her mind floated free of her body. Reality eased off a few notches. It hadn’t occurred to her that painkillers killed all manner of pain.

Her lips tingled and did not feel like her own. Street sounds came to her muffled, her vision was soft focus. She was being drawn along by a great multitude of people who were crowding into the Avenida de la Constitución and heading for the Plaza Nueva. They carried banners, which she couldn’t read because they were turned away from her. In the square there were hundreds of placards held up in the air, which said simply:
PAZ
. Peace. Yes, she would like some of that.

The clock struck midday and the crowd fell totally silent. She walked amongst them, wondering what had happened, looking into their faces for signs. They returned her gaze, stone-faced. The traffic noise had stopped, too. There was only the sound of birds. It was quite beautiful, she thought, that people should be gathering together to ask for peace. She wandered out of the square just as people returned to a state of animation and the murmur of humanity rose up behind her. She went down Calle Zaragoza thinking she would go to El Cairo for something to eat. They liked her in El Cairo. She thought they liked her in El Cairo. But everybody liked everybody else in bars in Seville.