The Heart Series: Complete Boxed Set (56 page)

“I love you more.”

“Not possible, bye, beautiful,” he said, and I smiled at his words. I sighed when he hung up. His voice was the only thing keeping me sane. I looked over to be faced with Elijah’s over enthusiastic face staring at me as I walked over to choose a colour.

* * *

We went with the purple for our toes and then chose a French polish for our nails. Elijah scrutinised his from all angles to make sure they were perfect, he finally smiled giving his approval.

We moved on to our next treatment as they began our facials, it felt so relaxing. After finishing we laid there with cucumbers placed over our eyes to which they left us in peace to unwind and relax in silence.

It was complete bliss.

Well, until Elijah opened his mouth.

I suppose he didn’t get the memo that this was supposed to be a relaxing time.

“Hey, Iz.”

I would have totally rolled my eyes if I hadn’t had cucumbers placed on them.

“What, Elijah?” I was supposed to be relaxing here, note to self the word relaxing and Elijah did not go together.

“If you had to, who would you kiss, marry or throw off a cliff?”

I sighed, it was far easier just to play along. “What are my options?”

“Ryan, Channing and Jake.”

Wow, tough one.

“Seriously?” I asked.

I wanted all three.

“Yes, you have to choose,” he chuckled.

“I hate this game.” I groaned. “It’s too hard making those kind of decisions.”

“That’s the whole point.”

“Can I marry both, kiss the other and kill none of them?” I asked, feeling hopeful, but I knew his reply before the words even left my mouth.

“No, you have to abide by the rules, so hurry up and decide.”

“Jeez, okay a girl can’t rush these things. Err, well Ryan is my number one of course.”

“Well naturally,” Elijah replied, and I smiled at his response.

“So I’d marry Ryan, because well, he’s Ryan Gosling and who would pass that up?”

“Well no one with a pulse.” Elijah chuckled.

“So I’d marry Ryan, kiss Channing and make it extra long so I’d get my money’s worth.” I was hoping there would be no boundaries on how long the kiss could be.

“Oh good one.”

“And then I guess I’m killing Jake.” I felt bad, but those were the rules.

Elijah sighed, probably at the thought of his death. “Poor Jake, but who would marry him with that surname? I can’t even spell it.”

“Me either . . . G-Y-L . . .  oh I give up.” The whole thing was making my head hurt. “How about you?”

“I’d do the exact same, this is why we’re soul mates, Iz. We have this strong connection. We love the same things, it’s destiny we would be friends.”

Well, maybe not Lady Gaga.

“Oh Iz, I’ve loved our day together, we need to come here and relax more,” he said sighing, and I prickled at his words.

Relax? I was more stressed than ever.

“Hmmmm,” was all I could manage to get out, I didn’t trust myself to say anymore.

He must have taken that as a sign of sadness. “Aww, don’t worry, Iz, there will be many more times I promise.”

Kill me now.

I was thankful when I was rescued by the lady who removed our facials, some of the cucumber had gotten into my eye, probably when my eyes sprang open at the many more visits part. Elijah took that to be me being emotional, I didn’t bother correcting him, I didn’t have the energy.

I returned home thirty minutes later, feeling more bedraggled than when I went. Joel and Ruby were flat out on the sofa with Rocky playing in the background. I quickly switched it off and joined them both.

Joel stirred when I snuggled up against him. “Hey, you’re home finally, are you okay? Have you been crying? Your eyes are all red.”

“Well, let’s see . . . sex noises, cucumber eye burn, Lady Gaga over and over and not one single moment of peace and quiet.”

“I thought that these spa days were meant to be relaxing?” Joel asked frowning.

“They are until you add Elijah.” I swear he was like a Duracell bunny, never ending in the energy department.

“Awww, is there anything I can do for you?” Joel soothed, snuggling me in tighter.

“Just hold me and stay quiet, I need some time to just relax before I combust.”

“That I can do, baby. We’ll have peace and quiet now, and then I’ll make you scream later.

Perfect. I’d finally found my moment of bliss for the first time today.

“Oh my god, have you seen this?” Joel came striding through into the kitchen, a look of annoyance crossed his face as he handed me his phone. I didn’t need to look I already knew what it was about. I was hoping he wouldn’t have seen the photos on his feed, but judging by his reaction I was guessing he had.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, praying it was something else entirely.

“Have you seen these pictures of Ruby?”

Oh hell, I was right the first time.

“What pictures?” I asked innocently.

“These pictures on Facebook with Elijah having Ruby wear a doggy tiara, like what the hell?”

“You knew it was coming,” I added. I had pre-warned him, I guess he hadn’t taken my words seriously, but he did now.

“Yeah, but who buys a dog tiara, like seriously?”

Did he really need to ask?

“This is Elijah.” There were no more words needed.

He rolled his eyes and let out a snort. “Yeah, you do have a point.”

I watched in amusement as he paced the floor before storming back through. I quickly snatched up my phone, scrolling to his profile. Sure enough he’d uploaded lots of photographs with Ruby in various poses with the said doggy tiara on. Even I had to admit it was way over the top, but that was Elijah, he didn’t do things by halves.

I clicked off Facebook and threw my phone down. I didn’t have to look far, he was curled up on the sofa with Ruby lovingly snuggled into his chest.

“Are you okay?” I asked soothingly, my fingers softly trailing along his tattoo sleeve.

“I guess,” he bit out.

“Joel, what’s wrong?” Surely a few dodgy photos shouldn’t be to blame for his arctic like mood right now?

“He just annoys me, Iz.”

“Who, Elijah?”

“Yeah, he takes over all the time. She’s ours, you’re my family, and I feel like he has to butt in all the time and it annoys me so much.”

I scooted up the sofa, lying beside him. Our noses were almost touching as I stared into his pained sapphire eyes. “Joel, you don’t have to be jealous, of course we’re yours. You just have to humour Elijah, he doesn’t realise he’s doing it. He would be upset to know you feel this way.”

“I know, it’s just . . .”

I pulled his face back around to look at me. “What? Please tell me,” I urged, my eyes staring deep into his.

“I’ve never had a proper family, a proper home, and now I have one and I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Of losing you, at the party you were surrounded by all your family, I’ve never had that. Never had that many people that cared. Robert, well, I barely see him and my dad.” He blew out a snort of disgust. I didn’t need him to finish the sentence to know his exact thoughts on the subject.

“Joel, what about your mother’s parents, didn’t you say they lived in Scotland?”

He frowned at my words. I could already see the walls were coming back up. “Izzy, just leave it.”

“But wouldn’t you like to have your own family? I’m sure they would love to be reunited with you.”

His eyes widened in disgust. “Drop it, Izzy, it isn’t even an option. It would hurt them to see me, hell they probably blame me, after all, I killed their daughter.”

“Joel, it was an accident, you were a child.”

“She still died protecting me, I murdered her.”

“NO!”

He flinched slightly, and Ruby jumped in his arms, her eyes wide wondering what was all the commotion. “Shhh Rubes, go back to sleep, it’s okay.”

My heart ached watching how he soothed her slowly back to her slumber. But I knew the turmoil that he buried beneath that hardened wall he’d built to hide his past.

“Joel, we are talking about this.”

He frowned, closing his eyes, his arms cuddling Ruby into his chest that was now panting hard. I knew it was a tough subject to tackle and that he didn’t want to go there, but if we ever stood a chance to move on then he had to face his demons head on.

I stood up, gently lifting Ruby from his chest as a mixture of panic and confusion crossed his face. I soothed her, walking over and placing her down into her basket. Within moments she was back to sleep, and I turned around to face Joel. This was the moment I think we’d both been dreading, but it was now or never.

I settled back down beside him, eye to eye, nose to nose and spoke the words I knew he was dreading. “Tell me about your mother, I need to know everything.

He closed his eyes but not before I watched them fill with a level of pain that almost ripped my hearty in two. “Iz, I can’t . . .”

“Shhh . . . you can, it’s just me and you, no judgement, just love. I need to know, Joel, why you carry this guilt around. It affects us both and we need to face it now before it completely breaks us later on.”

“I wouldn’t . . .”

“Joel, one day it will spill over, and I’m scared of what that will do to you, please, for me.” I lifted his hand to my mouth and kissed each knuckle as he sighed resigning himself to the fact there was now nowhere to hide.

“I don’t remember much about her. I get flashes every now and then. I remember small things like how soft and warm her hand was as she held mine, how she called me baby boy, just feeling so safe and secure when she held me in her arms.” He pulled me in tighter and dropped down so his face nuzzled deep into my chest. His hands clung onto me for dear life as he slowly began to tell me all the details of that fateful day.

“I remember it was sunny and we were heading for the beach. It was one of those perfect days and I was wearing my football strip, even then I was obsessed, kicking a ball from the moment I could walk. We were walking along my mum holding my hand as she carried the basket in the other. We were singing as we skipped along, but then we stopped. I think she dropped something, and she let go of my hand. I remember losing the ball, it rolled away, and I chased it laughing like it was a game. I heard her shout my name, but I kept on chasing. I remember being grabbed and thrown onto the grass verge. I cried from the sudden shock, I wondered why she did that, but when I turned around she was no longer standing behind me, she was now lying flat on the ground. There was blood, so much blood. I cried and rushed over, but an older lady picked me up and soothed me. But she wasn’t my mum, I didn’t recognise her touch, I just wanted my mum. The rest is a blur. I remember the flashing lights, Robert holding me for hours, soothing me whenever I called for her. My dad’s tears, the way he looked at me with so much anger. He’s never looked at me the same way again so you see I murdered her, the car, it was all my fault.” He sobbed so hard into my chest; all the pain and grief now spilling out in one go. I clutched him tighter, feeling his agony with every breath he took. My fingers soothingly stroked his hair, my heart was broken for just knowing he’d lived with this guilt for so long. He was just a child and that snap decision had robbed him of so much love and a home life to be envious of. In that moment everything had changed, and he had paid the price ever since.

“Joel, you were a baby. What happened that day was a complete tragedy, one you had no control over.”

“But if I . . .”

“No, listen to me.” I pulled him up so we were now face to face, my hands cupping his cheeks. “Life is cruel and you lost your mother, but to continually blame yourself is wrong. Your mother’s actions that day, throwing you out of the way was acting out of love. She knew the consequences but chose to save the one she loved.”

“But if I hadn’t.”

“We don’t know what fate has in store, but that day your mother chose to save you. She would be heartbroken to think you were destroying yourself thinking this way. She saved your life because you were her all; you were her baby. She wouldn’t want you languishing in this misery, consumed by such guilt that was never yours to have. She’d want you happy, enjoying life. I would do the same for my child, I’d step in front of a car to save their life, I’d always put their life before my own.”

He gasped at my words, his eyes widened in horror. “Please don’t say that, I can’t lose you too.”

“You have to forgive yourself, or else we’ll never move on. A mother’s love for her child is unconditional, and one day I’ll feel it too, we both will. We’ll have a child and be scared to breathe, scared to move in case we do things wrong, but our instincts will kick in and we’ll eventually begin to let things flow naturally.”

“I like it when you talk about the future, if our kids look anything like you then we’ll be blessed with beautiful children.”

“I want a baby boy like you, with perfect blue eyes that capture my soul from the moment I look into them. I remember the first moment we met, with these eyes you bewitched me, you cast a spell and in that moment I knew I’d never be anyone else’s.”

He looked at me with such bewilderment that I almost wanted to laugh. It still shocked me how my words had that ability to astound him, no matter how many times I told him.

“You captured my heart, Joel, and it’s never belonged to anyone else. We’re going to be so happy, and you’ll get to show our kids the kind of love you never experienced from your dad. I can guarantee your mum will smile down on us all, she’ll protect us, be our guardian angel and will keep us safe.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks, my words bringing out so much emotion inside. I’d finally opened the floodgates, and now I knew things would be easier. It was like the dark cloud that had followed us for so long had now slowly broken away, and for the first time all I could see were blue skies ahead.

I kissed each tear, whispering words of comfort while he slowly began to heal and come to terms with his past.

“I love you, Iz. You are amazing like an angel.”

“Hardly.” I snorted.

“You are, you have such a purity about you, an innocence that I long lost, but to be with you it’s like I get to experience it again. It’s like for a while my past doesn’t control me.” He frowned, and I knew deep down he would always regret all the women, his actions of escaping his inner demons.

“Hey, clean slate, remember? Only I have ever owned this.” I placed my hand on his heart. This will only ever belong to me. I don’t care about the past. It’s the here and now, our future together is all I’m bothered about.”

He smiled that sexy smile, the one that undone me within seconds, his lips brushed up against mine. “You make me so happy, you are my life line, my light, my addiction. I need each kiss like I need my next breath. You own me body and soul, and I will cherish each and every precious moment we spend together.”

A tear rolled down my face and Joel frowned, but these were happy tears, his words had made such an impact, I could barely breathe.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry, baby,” he whispered, looking concerned.

“These are happy tears that I’m blessed to be loved by someone as amazing as you. I wake up every morning, and I’m thankful that you’re here by my side and we’re taking this journey together.”

“Always.” He lifted my hand and placed a soft kiss on my ring like he was sealing the deal, and my heart skipped a beat.

Soft barking brought us from our trance, Ruby had escaped from her basket and was itching to be with us once again. I smiled as Joel lowered his hand down and placed her between us, she yapped her approval, quickly covering us both with over excited kisses.

“Okay, Rubes, we know, we love you too.” He rolled his eyes at her exuberant playful way, but I could tell he was enjoying every moment too.

“You know Ruby will play her role too, she’ll be just as much a part of our children’s lives as ours.”

He smiled and pulled me nearer. “You hear that, Rubes, are you going to take care of our kids? You’re our baby now, but when our kids come along you’ll help take care of our babies and keep them safe?”

She barked her answer, and we both chuckled, she was just too cute. “I love my little family.”

“We love you too.” I kissed his jaw before nestling into his neck. Joel had given himself to me whole-heartedly today, unleashing and facing his demons from the past. But we weren’t quite there yet, I knew I had to dig a little deeper. I was sure if Joel knew what my plans were, he’d be very much opposed to them. But in order for us to be totally free I needed to do this for his sake and to finally say goodbye to the past.