The Heart of the Mirage (33 page)

‘Old Magor texts.’

‘But so many of these were destroyed in the palace fire following the invasion—they haven’t been in existence for twenty-five years! I’ve heard about them, but I never
dreamed
I’d actually ever see any of them.’

‘Ah. I suppose the Mirage must have remembered them.’

‘Sweet cabochon—you’ve been
reading
these?’

‘Certainly. I’ve had plenty of time to perfect my Kardi reading skills.’

He looked at me in consternation. ‘Shirin, was that wise? Surely you must realise the more you know of Magor powers, the more reluctant Temellin will be to ever let you go.’

‘He has already told me he will never release me, so what difference does it make?’

‘If Pinar hears about this, she’ll have a new argument for your death. She’s already quite boring on the subject.’

I snorted. ‘So much for cousinly love. She has, in fact, made two attempts on my life as well.’

His look was guarded, but his seeping emotions communicated his disbelief.

‘You haven’t answered my question: where has everyone gone?’

He considered. ‘I don’t suppose it matters if I tell you. Temellin is moving against Tyrans. We have had word fresh troops have been landing at one of the southern ports. Temel believes them to be reinforcements, not replacement troops. It seems Tyrans is going to try to wipe out all Kardi opposition; Temellin wants to ensure the reverse. This is to be a full-scale war, Shirin.’

I felt physically ill. ‘Goddessdamn! Garis, those troops are not reinforcements; they are diversionary.
Did you hear about what I told Korden and Temellin concerning the Stalwarts?’

‘Yes,’ he said carefully. ‘But—well, Shirin, we all found it very hard to believe. Once Temellin heard about these new landings, he decided your talk of the Alps crossing was an attempt to divert our attention away from the south.’

‘Oh, Vortexdamn him! That idiot!’ I sank down into the chair. ‘Garis, things are even worse than I thought they would be—and I’m a fool too. I should have done more to convince Temellin. It’s just that I didn’t envisage this diversion. I didn’t know of it.’

‘It’s not possible for the legions to cross the Alps.’

‘Has anyone ever tried from here?’

‘No. Why should they?’

‘Then how do you know what it is like? The Stalwarts would have sent someone to reconnoitre before they made the decision to attack from there; they must know it is possible. And Temellin has left the Mirage defenceless. I’m surprised he even left you and Pinar behind,’ I added disgustedly.

‘Well, I broke my arm. But I’m going after them as soon as it’s mended, which should only be a week or two.’

‘Why did Pinar stay behind?’

‘Um, well…’ He hesitated, flushing. ‘She’s pregnant. Not by very long, of course, but she’s not that young, and she carries the next Mirager. Temellin wouldn’t let her ride with them.’

Illogically, that hurt. I pushed the pain away; I didn’t have time for it. And then the thought came, uninvited: another baby. Another woman who could die instead of me…I pushed that thought away too. I would think about it later.‘Garis, I want you to free me so I can deal with the Stalwarts.’

‘Shirin—you know I can’t do that.’ There wasn’t another chair, so he flung himself down on my pallet and began to pluck at the threads of my quilt.

‘You must. First I’m going to tell you the whole truth about myself…about how and why I became a Compeer of the Brotherhood. Then I want you to go and get Aemid—how is she, by the way? Reftim said she was better.’

‘She is. She says she feels ten years younger. Apparently her heart was weak and some of the Magor have been practising their healing skills on her. But still, she doesn’t look happy. She doesn’t say much to anyone, either.’

‘And Brand?’

‘He’s fine. He was bored out of his mind at first, but then Temellin gave permission for him to go to the practice rooms for weapons training—under strict supervision and warding. I don’t think Temellin intends for his imprisonment to be permanent. I go and see him in his room sometimes, and so do some of the others. He made a lot of friends while he was training with the troops, you know; he is well liked. Caleh asked to be allowed to sleep with him, so he has company on his pallet as well.’

I gave a wry smile. Trust Brand.

‘Garis, I want you to take Aemid to Brand and question him about me, with Aemid there, so she can confirm what he says about my past. Ask him, too, about Pinar’s first attempt on my life. Ask Reftim about the second; I think he may tell you. He feels guilty about it, I know. Once you have done all that, perhaps you may be more willing to believe me. But first let me tell you about myself, about how I ever got mixed up with the Brotherhood in the first place.’

He glanced at me warily, as if wondering what trick I was up to now.

I licked dry lips. ‘It’s not an easy story to tell. It was Brand who prodded me into seeing the truth. Even then, I didn’t want to believe what was so painful. I was
used
, Garis. I’ve been used all my life, and by the men I most wanted to please.

‘I don’t really remember my early life in Kardiastan, but I do remember being terrified and among strangers and knowing my mother was dead. Then this man came and he treated me kindly. I thought he was very handsome. He said he would take me home and look after me, and he did. Eventually he took me back to his home in Tyr and gave me everything I wanted and taught me to call him Pater. I worshipped him. His wife ignored me, but I had Aemid to care for me, so I didn’t mind.

‘I grew up thinking I was lucky to have such a wonderful father. I didn’t see all that much of him, but he was a busy and important man and everyone said he spent too much time with me anyway. All the while I thought it was because he loved me. Do you know how much children can deceive themselves, Garis? When they really want to believe something is true?’

It was a rhetorical question, so he didn’t answer, but his interest was stirred and his gaze was fixed unwaveringly on my face.

I continued, ‘But I was different from other children: I had a cabochon to tell me who was a liar and who wasn’t. When I was very young I didn’t understand what it was saying, but later I did—and you know what I did then? I deliberately shut it off whenever I was with my father. I blocked it out. I told myself that was the polite thing to do. I became so good at it that it became automatic: whenever Gayed
spoke to me, I had no feelings of truth or falsehood, no feelings of his mood or his emotions. Clever little Ligea, who needed to think herself loved…Goddess, what a baby I was!

‘Brand saw through Gayed right away. He hinted at things back then, until I made it quite clear I wouldn’t listen to such insinuations.

‘When I was sixteen, all my friends were thinking of marriage, but Gayed was saying things like: “My little girl is not going to be like those silly friends of hers who think of nothing but pretty clothes and jewels and revels, is she? She’s better than that. She’s going to be like her father. She’s going to serve the empire.” And I swallowed it all. I thought it was marvellous he wanted me to take the place of the son he’d never had. I thought I was special.’ I wondered if I were leaking anything of what I felt then. Bitterness, rage, hurt—it was all there, still passionately felt. Ashamed of my lack of restraint, I tried to hide it and continued on.

‘Because I was female, I couldn’t become a legionnaire or a statesman or a trailmaster or a trademaster, so that only left the semi-secret cabal of the Brotherhood. I was proud to join. Rathrox took me under his wing, almost unheard of for a novice, and taught me. Because I had special abilities, I proved to be good at my job.’

By this time, Garis was no longer lounging on my pallet. He was sitting up, chin propped on his good hand and arm, listening intensely. His tawny eyes sparkled; he always did like adventures. I went on: ‘Brand tried to tell me what I ought to have known all along: they were laughing at me. Neither of us could have known the whole story, though. They intended to turn one of the Kardi highborn into a pawn of Tyrans, into a compeer whose duty it was to root out the
traitors to Tyrans. It was a deliberate joke on the part of the three of them: Gayed, Rathrox, and the Exaltarch, Bator Korbus. A private way they had of revenging themselves for the defeats they suffered while taking Kardiastan.

‘Eventually I saw what Brand had been trying to show me for years. Eventually I added up all those times when I’d been given a clue, but had chosen to ignore it.

‘Gayed is dead now, killed in a campaign. In a way, I had the last laugh on him without him ever knowing it. Ordinarily, his wife, Salacia would have inherited everything, but she died before he did, while he was on that last campaign. Under the laws of adoption, everything came to me. I’m sure it’s not what he intended, but he hadn’t made a will to say otherwise. He was the sort of man who believed in auguries, you see, and his augur had told him he would live to be an old man and would die on his pallet.

‘Looking back, I think he hated me. I think he and Rathrox always planned for me to be sent to Kardiastan. They made sure I spoke Kardi, and spoke it well. It was some sort of terrible revenge their twisted minds devised; to use me against the land of my birth. They knew exactly who I was. They’d always known.’

Much of Rathrox’s protestations of the Brotherhood’s ignorance of things Kardi had been evasions. He’d always known I was Solad’s daughter and, after Solad’s death, the true ruler of Kardiastan. He’d known just who ‘Mir Ager’ was. No wonder Bator Korbus had laughed. This time the bitter rage I felt made Garis blink; I’d not bothered to conceal it. I did not, however, explain that I believed myself to be Solad and Wendia’s daughter, not Ebelar and Niloufar’s. I hadn’t yet decided what to do with that knowledge.

Garis, frowning, went to stand by the window.

‘I was very good at my job, Garis,’ I said, speaking to his back. ‘And they knew it. Rathrox, Korbus, they thought I had a good chance of bringing A Mir Ager, who was causing them all the trouble, to the stake for burning—whether he was the same one they’d caught in Sandmurram or not. I suspect once I was successful, once Temellin was dead, they had every intention of making it public just who had brought him in. One of the Kardi elite, a Magoria, would now be the rightful ruler of Kardiastan. Imagine the terrible blow that would have been to the Magor. Imagine the confusion of the ordinary Kardi. The knowledge would have shattered resistance.’

‘They were going to make
you
the Mirager?’

‘I believe so.’

I felt his nausea, but he didn’t say anything, and he still had his back to me.

I went on, ‘I’ve had my eyes opened, finally. I can see their evil now. More than that, I can see the truth about Tyrans now that I’ve been able to compare it to something else. There are many wonderful things about Tyranian culture and civilisation, but they don’t make up for the Exaltarchy’s lack of humanity. Garis, there’s no way I would ever serve Tyrans again. If I had the chance, I would see Rathrox and the Exaltarch dead by my hand.’ It was only once I’d said the words that the truth of them gripped me, tearing my breath away until I had to drag in air. They were
true.
I wanted to kill the two men who had—with Gayed—made a mockery of my life, who had tried to pattern me to their damnable mould. The desire for revenge—no, not just for revenge: for
justice—
was a hard ball in my stomach.

I had finished, but Garis, still rigidly turned away and skeining out a whole tangle of emotions, didn’t move or speak. I had no idea whether he believed me or not.

When Garis entered my room for the second time that day, after he had spoken to Brand and Aemid, it was almost dark outside. The flamingos and the pond had gone; all that remained were some forlorn-looking lily pads draped over the cobblestones.

‘Well?’ I asked.

‘Well, I’m willing to concede Pinar misled us about the first murder attempt, and that she tried to poison you. As for the rest, I can see Brand believes in your innocence, but I’ve always known that anyway. He’s told me often enough. And then, it’s just as clear Aemid doesn’t.’

‘Aemid is shot through with guilt; she had the care of one of the Magor and instead of bringing me up with a knowledge of my country and my heritage, she told me nothing. She has to believe I am still Tyranian at heart. Otherwise she would not be able to live with what she has done to me.’

‘Shirin—I want to believe in your change of heart. But I can’t accept it merely because you and Brand say it happened. I’m sorry. What if you actually do have the ability to hide your lies?’

Exasperated, I asked, ‘Tell me, Garis, after you ride off and leave me to the tender care of my dear cousin, do you really expect to see me alive again?’

He looked uncomfortable and painfully out of his depth. ‘I know what she did was awful, but she’s not usually like that. I can hardly believe it—Mirage damn it, I wish Temellin was here! I suppose I can lend you your sword for a while so you can ward Pinar out—’

‘Pinar has fitted her cabochon to my sword hilt.’

‘Oh?’ His discomfort deepened. ‘Well,’ he suggested at last, not sounding very hopeful, ‘I can try a warding spell against her with my sword—’

‘How long would that last once you left? Can’t you free me instead?’

‘No.’

I cursed silently. ‘I hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but if there’s no other way—’ I rose from my chair and went to take a book from the bookcase. ‘Have you asked yourself why the Mirage Makers have given me so much help?’

‘Well, yes. Temellin also wondered and he didn’t know about the books. Shirin, we thought so many of these volumes were lost to us. Do you know what a treasure you have here? Any one of us would have sold our swords for them!’

‘Perhaps the Mirage Makers would have produced them for you if they had known you wanted them. Garis, I don’t think they understand us easily, at least not unless they use the medium of the song of the Shiver Barrens. There’s something strange about that song…but that’s another matter for another time. I have the feeling the Mirage Makers do their best to oblige; it’s just that they’re not human and don’t know what humans
want
. They like quite different things from us, and the things that are of use to them, we don’t know how to use. I had eight or so fish in water just hanging in the centre of the room; possibly they would have solved all my problems if I’d known what to do with them. I asked for books, but even then they didn’t know
which
books I’d want, so they gave me everything they could, from a treatise on how to cure diarrhoea in shleths to navigational maps of the Kardi coast. As soon as they found something I could use, like the bathroom or the books, they left them. The
other things all disappeared in time, to be replaced by something else.