The Healing Stream (24 page)

‘Let’s do the beds together. With two of us they won’t take long and I’ll tell you about Chagleigh at the same time.’ Her voice gave no hint of how hard she found it to talk about the last two weeks, but she spoke in a bright, upbeat tone, knowing that if once she let fear even into her thoughts the charade would be over. And so she told Tessa of her decision to accept Geoff Huntley’s offer and, in turn, he had given his word that his staff would look after the animals from the hour she moved out, taking the milk to his own dairy. When the contract was ready he would sign and press for a speedy completion. In return, and with unacknowledged thankfulness, she had agreed to leave the house furnished with the exception of personal items, so that Huntley’s young manager and his bride could move in as soon as she vacated it, even though contracts hadn’t been signed. With her new passport in her handbag and with power of attorney given to her solicitor she had been free to travel. Not to anyone would she describe the moment when she closed the door on the place that had been home to her all her years with Richard. Keeping a smile on her haggard face, she told Tessa simply the bare facts.

Julian’s intention was to stay in the Llaibir area long enough to let Naomi realize that she had a life outside Marlhampton. She had spent the single night at Fiddlers’ Green between leaving Chagleigh Farm and setting out on their journey, and he had been conscious that she avoided talking about her plans for the future. Even though she told him he was her dearest friend, there was a barrier around her that he couldn’t cross.

They were sitting together in deck chairs on that patch of coarse, rough grass, grass so unlike the fine green sward of Fiddlers’ Green. In front of them was the empty playpen, for that morning Tessa had pushed Millie down to the almond grove with Deirdre alongside in her electric chair.

‘Deirdre won’t want to leave all this,’ Julian said, lying back in his chair and gazing up at the cloudless blue sky. ‘I’m not sure if I shall either.’

Did he imagine it or, for a brief second did he detect a look akin to fright on Naomi’s face?

‘They’ve made us very welcome, but there are limits how long visitors should stay,’ she answered, making sure her tone was light enough to let him see she hadn’t taken his remark seriously. ‘You may say you’ve retired but you still keep a strong hand on the business.’

‘I do, but not because I’m necessary to it. It’s in perfectly good hands. A monthly report and the occasional visit is all that’s necessary – not even as often as Giles finds he needs to go to London.’ He was watching her closely as she lay back in her chair, her eyes once again closed as if the conversation had no real importance. ‘Naomi, we’ve not talked about your future. Is that because you have no set plans?’

At his words she sat up, then leant forward with her elbows on her knees and her thin hands gripped tightly together. ‘If I knew, then I’d tell you. It’s like looking into a thick fog, Julian. I’m frightened to leave Marlhampton and everything that’s been part of the years we had there. I must go back. I have money, or I shall have when the sale goes through. I can afford a house or a cottage. In places we’ve known together I shall feel he’s close.’

‘My dear, your Richard will always be close. If you moved to the other end of the earth his spirit would be with you.’

‘I was frightened to come here, you know.’ Then a smile that, at least to Julian, made her thin face radiant.

‘And . . .?’

‘I think what you say is true. A body dies, but not a spirit.’

‘I’m not a churchgoing, religious man, but I do believe that the love he gave to you – and you to him – was surely a meeting of souls, spirits. Nothing can ever change that; it will be with you as long as you live and for all eternity. How can his spirit find peace if he knows you are afraid to live the life that is left to you? For you must live it, you have no choice.’

‘I know,’ she whispered, ‘and I should be grateful for all we had. And for all I still have. I know. I
do
know. It’s just so hard, Julian. What would I do without you? I could never talk to anyone else as I do to you.’

‘I’m not in the habit of soul searching with friends, but you are no average friend. You are very precious in my life. My dear, tears? What have I said?’

‘You must have found a weak spot in my armour.’ She sniffed. ‘You know what? If we were somewhere away from the house, away from everyone, I’d let myself cry as if it would wash away all the misery.’ The words seemed to come before she could stop them and to hear herself talk like that only added to her wretchedness.

‘Let’s find somewhere away from everyone. Wipe your face and blow your nose. I won’t disturb Giles; I’ll go and tell Maria we’re out for lunch.’

Half an hour later when they were in the foothills of the mountains, away from everyone just as she’d said, she felt exhilarated. He was aware of the change in her, the lessening of tension.

‘I found this place when we were here before,’ he told her. ‘While Tessa was off on her bicycle Deirdre and I didn’t shirk, I promise you, and it was a joy to see what it did for the child – no, I forgot, she’s not a child. But to me she is; she always will be. Before we go inside the restaurant we’ll walk over there. There’s a path of a sort through the trees. The view is breathtaking.’ Leaving the parked car they started to walk. ‘I pushed Deirdre over there.’ Then with a laugh, ‘She was offended that I insisted she wasn’t to switch on the motor. I couldn’t have held her back if the chair had got out of control. The sheer drop isn’t for the faint-hearted. Are you OK on heights?’

She nodded. ‘Julian, it’s more than beautiful. Never seen anything so – so strong, grand and yet – it’s not threatening.’

He nodded in agreement, keeping his hand firmly on her elbow. ‘It makes one feel humble in the great scheme of things.’ Then, moving away from the edge, ‘Come, my dear,’ he said with a change of tone, ‘we need food. Last time the restaurant was surprisingly good for such an isolated spot.’

They were the only people eating and yet the food was fresh and the salad, which was brought to the table with new crusty bread and allioli while they studied the menu, was a meal in itself compared with what Naomi had put on the table when she lived on her own.

It was while they were eating the main course that he took her by surprise, his words casting a shadow.

‘I’m seriously considering moving out here from Fiddlers’ Green. It would be so good for Deirdre. I had my reservations over how easy it would be for Deirdre in her wheelchair when we first came out, but what I didn’t tell you earlier – and neither have I mentioned it to her – is that I have already seen a house I think could be suitable. It’s not far from here, within walking distance of the village we drove through, Pedrada. That’s where the agent is. Naomi, I wish you’d come and see it with me. I felt I could live in it, but you’ll see it from a woman’s point of view.’

‘Of course I’d be interested to see it,’ she said in a voice that gave no hint of the aching sense of loss she felt, ‘but it’s Deirdre’s reaction you must listen to.’

‘I’m doing this very badly.’ Clearly he was annoyed with himself. ‘Naomi, I want you to be there; without you it can’t be complete. I want you to help in the choice of where we live – and I want that “
we
” to include
you.
’

Naomi looked at him in stunned silence, half frightened and half excited by the unexpected suggestion. But what was he asking of her? Not complete without her? Thoughts of Richard crowded her mind, of the natural growing of the intimacy of their lives. All that part of her life belonged just to him and always would.

‘I don’t understand.’ In her hesitancy Julian heard the answer to the proposal he had wanted to make to her.

More than twenty years ago when he had embarked on that short-lived marriage, he had been driven by physical desire and, if he were honest with himself, by vanity that a beautiful young woman half his age chose him above her other admirers. Now, there was no vanity in his feelings for Naomi; indeed he felt humbled by her honesty, her never-altering love for Richard, the determined way she had striven to keep the farm as he would have. But that was only half of what moved Julian to want to be with her, to share all that he had with her. Sometimes he would look at her, forcing himself to see her as a woman aged beyond her years, worn out by work of which she’d been physically incapable. But none of that lessened his desire for her or his longing to be able to care for her and to love and protect her. How long had he felt like this about her? Perhaps from that first morning when she had called to take Deirdre to the dairy, and as time had passed she had increasingly filled his mind.

But, as they sat facing each other across the table in that empty restaurant, instinct warned him to tread carefully.

‘My dear, for all three of us this would be an adventure. You may not see us as we see you – the nearest we have to a family. Think of the home we could make together, all three of us. And surely you and I are better friends than one sees in a good many families. What plans had you for the future?’

She shook her head. ‘None. I was too frightened to look ahead.’

‘Like it or not, you have a good many years to be lived. Is it such a daunting thought that you might share them with Deirdre and me?’

‘I can understand that if you want what Tessa used to call “a carer-oblique-friend” for Deirdre, and you want to live in Spain, then your choice would be for someone of your own nationality. So much easier, at least until she has learnt the language.’

Despite himself he reached out and gripped her hand that rested on the table. ‘“Carer-oblique-friend” be damned. You are more than those words could ever encompass. Come, drink up your coffee and we’ll go and get the key. Let’s see the house first. You may hate it. It’s quite unlike Finca el Almendros.’

Twenty minutes later he turned the key in the latch of Casa Landera, a two-storey white house built literally into the craggy hillside. The rooms were large, the floors marble, the windows enormous, the view enough to take her breath away. There were four bedrooms, three very large and one less so, but not small. As they went from room to room her feeling was of light and space, their footsteps seeming to echo through the emptiness.

‘I thought I’d make the fourth bedroom a study,’ he told her. Then forcing himself to say it, he added, ‘There are still three good bedrooms and I doubt if we’d be having any overnight guests so it’s plenty large enough. Two bathrooms, so you girls could have one and I’d be able to clutter up the other one as I liked. They both need stripping out and bringing up to date, as does the kitchen. What do you say, Naomi? Surely we could make a good life here.’ He came to stand behind her as she gazed out of the window, his hands on her shoulders. ‘My dear,’ as he heard her stifled sob, ‘isn’t this what we came for? So that I could give you a shoulder and you could wash away some of that bottled-up misery?’

She let him turn her towards him and draw her into his arms, making no effort to hold back the sobs that shook her thin frame. ‘I want to come . . . I want to be here . . . with you and Deirdre . . . but – but it’s all so different from anything we shared, Richard and me. At home we knew the countryside, we knew the wind and the weather . . . Oh, Julian, we were like one person. How could I find him where it’s so different? If I can’t, I can’t be complete. I’ll have to go back to what we knew.’

There seemed no end to her tears and neither did he try to find words of comfort. ‘Sleep on it, my friend,’ he said when at last her outburst was over and she mopped herself up with a large handkerchief that must have been Richard’s.

‘It could be a beautiful house,’ she said as he locked the door behind them. ‘Even a swimming pool – or it will be, when you have it filled.’

‘I wondered about that. Do you think, if I had some sort of lift made to lower her in and to retrieve her, Deirdre could use it?’

‘Wouldn’t that be wonderful,’ she agreed. ‘We’d see one of us always went in with her.’

They looked at each other, realizing what she’d said. ‘But supposing—’

He knew exactly what she was supposing. ‘You’re frightening yourself for nothing. As long as you hold Richard in your heart he will always be within your reach. Once upon a time I thought I was in love – I’ve told you about my brief marriage. I soon knew it wasn’t love, not on my part nor on hers either. But it frightened me off ever giving wholehearted affection – except to Deirdre.’ He told himself he was being a fool to say more than that, but the words came just the same. ‘Then I met you, you who understood real and wholehearted love that will last as long as you live. If you won’t stay here with us it won’t change what I feel for you.’

‘No, Julian, dear Julian.’

‘All right. You don’t feel the same about me—’

‘But how can I? My heart belongs to Richard. Haven’t you just said you understand that?’

‘And what do you think Richard would want for you? Life has to be lived. I’m asking you to share the home with Deirdre and me; more than I can say, I want you to share it as my wife. But even if you don’t care enough for me to agree to that, then I beg you, Naomi, let us make a new beginning for the three of us.’

‘Your wife . . .’ she whispered, as if she had heard nothing beyond those words.

‘I’ve bared my soul to you. We could make a good life—’

‘But marriage . . . falling in love, the glorious – well, all of it – that’s for the young. Look at me, Julian, do I look like a bride?’

‘You look like the woman I want to share my life with. But there’s something even more important: if you refuse to be my wife, then I beg you, stay with us. You’ve been the heartbeat of my life for so long.’

She took his hand and raised it so that she caressed the back of it with her cheek.

‘I couldn’t bear to go home without you,’ she told him.

They drove down the hill to Pedrada village both lost in their own thoughts. He was a fool; he ought to have let them settle happily into the house together before he frightened her with talk of marriage. Naomi’s thoughts were on what he had said. She tried to be honest with herself as she imagined living with him as her husband. But Richard was her husband. They had been young together, driven by the same desires, excited as they took the first intimate steps to a shared life, a shared love. But marriage to Julian . . . she imagined the shame she would feel when he first saw her skeleton-like figure, every rib there to be counted, hip bones barely covered with flesh, no high collar to disguise her scraggy neck, arms and legs like sticks. She hadn’t always been like that. Sometimes with Richard she had felt ashamed to show her nakedness, but Richard was Richard, he was her second self. The images moved to Julian desiring her as a woman, wanting to make love to her. He wouldn’t need to be ashamed to show his body; despite his age he was still a fine-looking man.