The Haunting of Toby Jugg (44 page)

‘How about the other thing? These hideous ordeals that Helmuth has inflicted on me?’

‘I think it’s pretty certain that you must have put up rather a special black to have earned those.’ She smiled a little wickedly. ‘Until people learn that it does not pay they are always exchanging blows of one kind and another—and a lie which does harm, or doing anyone an ill-turn of any kind, is just as much a blow as an actual slap in the face—but this is something different. I can only suppose that at some time or other you must have been a powerful Black Magician yourself, and have caused a great deal of misery and terror by your evil practices.’

‘That sort of thing hardly goes with wielding a battleaxe,’ I demurred.

She shrugged. ‘One does not pay all the debts contracted during one life off in the next; but one may settle old ones from several lives during one short period. That is probably what you have been doing recently.’

‘If you are right, where does all this lead to?’

‘It fits us for a higher sphere. We all start here on a very low
level, as cruel, superstitious, barbarous savages. Gradually we learn this and that—to be gentle, generous, courageous in the right way, unselfish, wise, and to exercise control over all our appetites and passions. Eventually we become really fine people; we may live our last life on earth as great religious teachers, or pass it in comparative obscurity doing a great deal of good—it is quite immaterial which—but when we have learnt all there is to learn here we join the great ones who have preceded us.’

‘What happens if we fail to progress, or get worse and worse with each life we lead?’

‘That is impossible. If we are pig-headed, and ignore all the sign-posts that point the way to our becoming better people, progress will be slow; and if we give free rein to our baser instincts we slip back a bit. That is a bore, as it may mean having to go through several extra lives before the lost ground is regained. But everyone realises their faults sooner or later and makes a determined effort to eradicate them. Even an animal has the sense not to keep on getting itself hurt in the same way over and over again.’

Sally paused for a moment, then went on, her face glowing but in a low voice, almost as though speaking to herself:

‘We have free-will and we can cut short that span in a variety of ways. If we do we only have to make it up by going through another part-life, as an infant or child who dies while still young.
But we cannot increase the span by a single instant, whatever we may do. When the term is over we may go home with a bad report or a good one, and any trials that we have shirked we shall have to face again later on. But death is a holiday; and between our lives here, while our spirits are no longer imprisoned in a dull and heavy body, we are infinitely more fully our real selves, and have a far greater capacity for understanding and enjoyment.

‘Unlike a school curriculum down here, the holidays are usually longer than the terms. As we have free-will we may decide that we wish to be born again almost at once, for some special purpose; but more often it is two hundred years or so before we feel impelled to enter on another trial; so it follows that a greater number of the friends we have made in many lives are always away from earth than on it, so we have the joy of being with them again. In what we call Life we are really only half alive, but constantly beset by troubles, sometimes by ill-health and often lonely; whereas what we call Death is really living to the full, without material worries of physical handicaps, and being happy in the company of those we love.’

Later

I had to break off because Helmuth came in. He mentioned Deb’s visit at once, and to my great relief I learnt that Sally had already sold him our story; so I had only to add that since I had no money I had had to refuse Deb’s request.

He then produced a lengthy legal document and said: ‘Tomorrow is your birthday, Toby, and your signature to this document then will make it a fully valid legal instrument. Are you prepared to sign it?’

‘I certainly won’t until I’ve had a chance to study its contents,’ I hedged.

He nodded, quite amiably. ‘I thought you would say that; so with a view to avoiding unnecessary delays tomorrow I propose to give it to you now. You will have plenty of time to read it through this evening.’

I took it, but made no reply, as there seemed nothing to be said.

After a moment he went on: ‘You have put up a good fight
Toby, and I admire you for that. It makes me all the keener to have you become one of us. You have brains and guts, so there is a great future for you in the Brotherhood. But it is both useless and dangerous for you to fight further. So don’t try to back out tomorrow; because if you do I really shall have to turn on the heat—and you’ll find that all you have experienced to date was only child’s play compared with this next step. Instead, I want your birthday to be a happy one, marking the beginning of an entirely new treatment by which I believe we’ll soon have you well again.’

As it is of first importance that, for tonight at least, he should go happily to bed, believing that I am at the end of my resources and about to give in, I raised a smile and murmured my thanks. Then he left me.

So, without any effort on my part, I have gained the twenty-four-hour respite that I needed so desperately. It seems at last the ‘Great Ones’, as Sally calls them, have listened to my prayers.

Reverting to the fascinating conversation I had with her this afternoon. We talked a lot more about her beliefs, and they certainly ring a bell with me too. The more one thinks about them the sounder they seem. All the intolerable stupidities and injustices of mankind, which make so many people doubt the existence of a God, are explained by them. And if one accepts it that all the misfortunes and set-backs with which we meet are not blind, ugly chance, but obstacles to be surmounted from which lessons can be learned, and tests of our fortitude and courage, the struggle of life takes on a real meaning and becomes a great adventure.

She confirmed my own belief, too, that no one is ever given a trial that is beyond his capacity to bear; and that, in conjunction with all she said about death not really being Death at all, but a return to a fuller, happier Life, makes me feel now as if I were encased in a suit of shining armour.

Sally is a wonderful person. What would I not give for her to feel for me one-tenth of what I feel for her; but to have won her friendship is in itself a triumph and a benediction.

Before we parted she agreed that we dared wait no longer, but must make our bid for freedom tonight. She went off to bicycle
down to the village and order the car to be at the bridge again. Our worst fear was that Helmuth might send the Great Spider to me, and thus wreck everything at the last moment; but we decided that we must chance that. Mercifully that fear has since been removed; so I have great hopes now that on my birthday morn Sally will give me the splendid gift of freedom.

Later

I hardly know how to write it. This afterooon I was full of a splendid new courage; now I am near to tears. Sally is to dine with Helmuth.

She met him on her return from the village, and came straight up to tell me. I implored her not to; but she said that she must, otherwise he would become suspicious that I had prejudiced her against him while he was away, and that might put all sorts of ideas into his head—especially after she had allowed Deb to see me during his absence, about which, it seems, he spoke to her rather sharply.

I have never before dared to broach the subject of her last dinner with him, from fear she would resent it. But I did this evening.

She shrugged and said: ‘It wasn’t particularly pleasant, and, of course, you were right about him. He played his cards skilfully enough not to be offensive, but I soon saw which way the wind was blowing. That’s why I got tight. I hate getting tight, as it always makes me feel frightful the next day. But it seemed the best thing to do.’

I stared at her in amazement. ‘Do you really mean that you deliberately got tight so that you shouldn’t care what happened?’

‘Certainly not!’ she retorted with a sudden flash of anger. ‘You must have a very poor opinion of me to think that. If you want to know the truth, I am still a virgin; and I have not the least intention of throwing my shoes over the moon until my own good time—and then it will be with a man that I really love. But if you had ever tried to make love to a girl who is drunk you would know that it is neither easy nor pleasant—particularly when she ends up by being sick in your immediate vicinity.’

Her outburst both confounded and cheered me; and, blushing at the awful gaffe I had made, I muttered: ‘I’m sorry, Sally. That was darned clever of you; but all the same, I’m afraid he won’t let you get away with that sort of thing a second time.’

‘I don’t expect him to,’ she agreed frankly. ‘And I am not looking forward to this evening’s party one little bit. But I’ll get by somehow. It may make me late in coming for you, but that can’t be helped; and if the man with the car has given up and gone by the time we get to the bridge, I’ll have to push you a bit further, that’s all.’

‘Oh, Sally!’ I begged. ‘Please, please don’t dine with him. He is capable of any dirty trick. He may put a drug in your wine or try to hypnotise you.’

She shook her head. ‘He won’t do either. When he warned me against your attempting to hypnotise me I told him that an expert had tried it on me once, and failed completely, showing that I’m not a good subject. And in view of what happened before, I have an excellent excuse this time for refusing to drink anything.’

‘All the same,’ I argued desperately, ‘he is horribly clever at getting his way with women, and absolutely ruthless. I implore you to pretend you are ill, or something, and cut it out. Even at the best it will mean your going through an absolutely beastly time for several hours, and if he gets really wrought up it may end in your actually having to fight him.’

Suddenly she stooped over my bed and kissed me lightly on the forehead, then she gave me a wan smile. ‘Don’t worry, Toby. Try not to think about it. And remember; none of us is ever given a trial that it is beyond our capabilities to bear. So help will be sent me if I really need it.’

I think the fact that she gave me that sisterly kiss makes things even worse. But Great-aunt Sarah should bring me that gun tonight. And if I learn tomorrow that Helmuth has hurt a hair of my darling Sally’s head, I swear to God I’ll kill him.

Saturday, 20th June

I am at my wits’ end. Sally did not come last night. God alone knows what that swine did to her.

I have been awake all night, turning and twisting in the most frantic agony of anxiety that any man can ever have known. I am scribbling this by the early light, and I’ve got to get through another two hours yet before they come to call me. Till then I’ll have no means of knowing if Sally’s non-appearance was owing to an eleventh-hour decision by her that circumstances rendered any attempt to escape last night being doomed to failure, or if the poor darling was
in no state
to come to me.

Dante knew nothing about Hell.

Later

When I attempted to eat my breakfast, I was physically sick from rage, grief and impotence. It was knowing that my last surmise about Sally is correct.

Konrad came in to call me at the usual hour; but to my consternation Sally did not appear. When I asked him where she was, he said that she had been taken ill last night, and he understood that she would not be well enough to get up today.

That can mean only one thing. She must have used her wits to stall Helmuth off as long as she could, then dug her toes in. He is not used to prolonged opposition from women, and her resistance must have eventually made him see red. He has all the servants under his thumb, and whatever she said afterwards she would never be able to prove anything against him. He must have got really tough, and her being in bed today is the result of his vile brutality.

And I am tied here; unable to help or comfort her; unable even to lift a finger in her defence. I only wish I had the means to kill Helmuth. I’d like to shoot him in the stomach and watch him writhing in agony on the floor. But I haven’t yet got that gun. Great-aunt Sarah passed the panel near my bed without stopping, and I had to rap hard on it to call her back. The poor old nit-wit had forgotten all about my request; but she promised to bring me a gun tonight. I only hope this second time of asking impresses it more strongly on her mind.

In the meantime I am tied here. I can do nothing against Helmuth unless he is stupid enough to come within my reach. I have
no means of finding out how things are with my poor, sweet Sally. I cannot even send her a message.

Later

While I still have the sanity to do so, I wish to record that this, my twenty-first birthday, has been the most ghastly day of my whole life.

For years I have always visualised it as a day of joy, gaiety and rejoicing. Not for myself alone, but for the many thousands of people who are concerned in it. I saw it as a carnival of flowers, music, dancing, wine, and toasts to the long-continued prosperity of everyone—man, woman and child—who are connected with the Jugg enterprises. I expected many gifts, but I meant infinitely to surpass them by what I returned to my people in bonuses, special grants and unexpected pensions.

The war, and my having been rendered
hors de combat
, rendered the broad picture impossible of full realisation; but it might still have been a day of smiles and happiness. Instead it has been rendered a nightmare through that fiend Helmuth.

As it was, after my long hours of full and hideous wakefulness all through the night, I dozed a little in the mid-morning. But for the rest of the day my mind has never ceased to be harrowed by thoughts of Sally.

I have had no word from her, and Konrad could, or would, tell me nothing. I dared not ask him to take a message to her from me, as he would have carried it straight to Helmuth; and I still feel that it is imperative to conceal our friendship.

Just after I had finished my dinner Helmuth came in. Again, I did not dare challenge him openly about her; but I asked him at once what had prevented her from being on duty for the whole day.