The Harder They Fall (52 page)

“Needless to say, it wasn’t over. He came round on the Sunday morning, when everyone was still in bed, and kicked the front door in. This time he punched me in the face, and one of my housemates rang the police, who turned up about two hours later, said they didn’t like to get involved in domestic disputes, and fucked off again. It just went from bad to worse. Apparently, if he was telling the truth, his partner had found out he was seeing someone else and left him. So that was my fault, obviously. Not that I thought that. To be honest, it was pissing me off more than anything, and it had got to be almost every day. He’d come to the house, or follow me around the campus. I lost count of how many times he hit me, but I wasn’t going to be his victim.

“Eventually, after about three weeks of this and he still wasn’t giving in, I phoned Kris and told him what was happening. Right after I put the phone down, Dan rings back and says he’s coming to ‘sort it out’. Well, I don’t even want to know how they got from London to Aberdeen in under five hours. And predictably as ever, Sam turns up, thinking I’m going to be on my own, because it’s Saturday afternoon, and he hammered on the door for ages. I shouted to him to go away—we’d put loads of bolts up by this point. So he’s outside, kicking the shit out of the door, and Dan’s inside, getting all worked up and me and Kris are looking at him, thinking he’s gonna kill him.

“The banging died down and I thought maybe he’d given up, but the next thing, the back window goes through and he’s in the house and he looks wild, like he’s on drugs. I’m not sure what happened next, because Dan was on him and the noise was unbelievable. I’ll never forget the sound of Sam’s head smashing into the floor. He didn’t stand a chance. Of course, I know now why Dan was so angry. He was like an animal and it took both me and Kris, plus one of my housemates who’d just got back from football, to pull him off.

“And that was the last trouble I got from Sam. I saw him once or twice around uni after that, but he wouldn’t even look at me, and Dan’s never mentioned it since.”

As soon as he stopped talking, George wished he’d thought ahead and fabricated a more pleasant version of his relationship with Sam. Even so, it was a necessary distraction, and far less horrific than what they were about to face. Josh gently cupped George’s cheek in his palm and stared deep into his eyes, seeking confirmation that he still wanted to go through with this. The answer gazed back at him; resolute, unwavering.

“I love you,” he whispered.

George nodded. “I know.”

Josh smiled and released him. “I’ll tell Sean it’s time.”

Sean had forgotten his notes, which was a sure sign he was either working too hard, or losing it, seeing as he could essentially have taken them and nothing else and have been entirely equipped to speak at his first conference. So that was a wasted journey: two and a half hours’ drive to the host university, only to get right back in the car and drive two and a half hours home again. If only Josh had been about, he could have faxed them, but he must have gone home for the weekend. The house was silent and horribly empty without his frantic typing and reading and pacing to and fro, as he tried to get theories straightened out in his mind. Sean chuckled at the thought, grabbed his notes from the desk and threw them on the passenger seat. Except that these were not his notes. They’d come from his printer, sure enough, for that dratted black line ran through each and every one of the meticulously typed sheets. But these were not his notes.

He began to read, each page bringing him closer and closer to the realisation of why the house was so still. Driven by some macabre desire to reach the end, or perhaps he simply didn’t want to believe what he was reading, he continued until he had read every last word. The truth sank in and he sprinted back inside, ripping his belt from his jeans as he ran up the stairs, two at a time, and shouldered the bathroom door with such force that he’d have been surprised and impressed at any other time but this. Josh was cold, no breath, no colour but the deep, deep red of the water he lay in. How long had he been there? Was it already too late? He couldn’t lift him, had to wait for the water to drain away, but there was no time. He strapped the belt around Josh’s left forearm and pulled as tight as he could, then did the same to the other arm, with Josh’s own belt, wrenched from the jeans lying lifeless on the floor.

The ambulance was quick, much quicker than he could ever have hoped for, and they said he’d done everything—
everything
—that he could. A blood transfusion; so many stitches; so much blood loss, but they had to make it to the hospital first. The iron filled his lungs and made him vomit. And then they drove away, blue flashes filling the sky, paddles searching out and somehow sustaining that precious wisp of life within.

The letters: he took them inside and prayed to a god he didn’t believe in to save him from ever having to deliver those letters.

Dear Kris,

It’s only right that I let you all know why I have done this, even though you and I have never really been very close. I wanted to tell you how much I admire you for what you have done for Shaunna and her baby. She is so lucky to have you. I’m sure you will be happy together forever, and I’m sorry I won’t be around to see you get married, and maybe give Krissi a little brother or sister, but I’m really sick.

Please try not to think badly of me. I worry that you will most of all, because you have such courage. You were an inspiration to me in school, being who you are and staying true to yourself in spite of the trouble it caused you. I know what a sacrifice you have made for Shaunna. If nothing else comes from this, make a promise to yourself that you will never let the life you are living drown you the way mine has drowned me.

What’s most important is that you have each other, and whatever the future holds, I know that this will always be true. Look after each other and have a wonderful life.

See you in the next one,

Josh.

Dear Shaunna,

I used to watch you and Adele sitting cross-legged at the back of the playground, taking turns with the skipping rope. I bet you didn’t know that. You used to play some stupid game, where you’d tie one end of the rope to a drainpipe and then the person on the other end would shake it until it made waves - something about seashells, cockle shells…Ironic really, considering you ended up with someone who is allergic to shellfish.

I remember wishing I had a best friend like that, and I got one eventually - two, in fact. Ellie and George are the most wonderful friends I could have asked for, and it’s going to be hard for them to understand why I have left them. I tell you this even though I know it is unfair of me to do so, but you are the strongest of us all. Nobody could be a better mum than you are, and I know you will be the one to look after Ellie and George now. I’ve also told Kris he’s got to look after you, and you must let him, because he has given up everything for you. He loves you so much, Shaunna, I hope you know that.

I’m truly sorry that I won’t get to see Krissi grow into a beautiful woman, but when she is old enough to understand, please tell her I loved her. Tell her that I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to see her graduation, for her twenty-first birthday, her wedding. Unless I’m wrong and there is an afterlife after all.

You will always be beautiful. You will always be strong.

Josh.

Dear Andy,

We weren’t friends for very long, but I wanted to say thank you, for showing me - for showing us all - how to live life to the full. I only wish I had the energy to take up the challenge the way you do. You’re totally insane, in a good way, and you must never change.

I’ve been diagnosed with acute depression, not that I needed a doctor to tell me. It’s been so hard to keep going, to keep living, and even though we’re not very close, I wanted to explain why I have done what I’ve done. I’m sorry I can’t be more like you.

I know that when people leave the way I am leaving, it plays on the minds of those who loved them, so many questions that can never be answered. But next time you’re up there, flying through the clouds, I want you to remember that what I have done means that now I am as free as you and that is something to be glad for.

Keep on enjoying your life and make sure that little brother of yours does too. I’m sure one day he’ll tell you why he’s so angry, but you must be patient. Never give up on him, because he needs you and you need him.

Take care of each other,

Josh.

Dear Adele,

I haven’t seen you for such a long time, but Ellie tells me you’ve had your boobs done. She also said they’ve all been giving you stick because of it. Well, sod them, I say. It’s your body. You do what you like with it. I bet they look awesome, although you have always been very pretty anyway, whether you had big boobs or not.

This letter is to say goodbye, because I’m sick and have made the choice to go before the illness takes me. You have a wonderful group of friends, especially Shaunna, and I really think you should give Dan another chance, but that’s up to you.

I wrote the same thing to Shaunna, but I wanted to share my memory with you, of you both playing together at primary school, with that stupid skipping rope. She always had you holding the end while she did all the skipping, and I know she was a terrible cheat, so you can tell her that from me! You are a wonderful woman and one day I hope you feel confident enough to be who you really are, instead of hiding inside your pretty shell, because the real you is much more beautiful than you think.

Be happy Adele, and don’t let them boss you about.

Josh.

Dear Dan,

You called me queer once. I don’t suppose you remember that, but I do. I didn’t understand what it meant at the time, and although I do now, I still don’t get why you thought I was. In case you do remember, I want you to know that there’s no hard feelings. I also want to tell you to stop being so cruel to Andy. You’re so lucky to have a brother, and he needs you to keep him out of trouble. I think you need him too.

In case you haven’t realised, this letter is to say goodbye, because I am terminally ill. That’s not strictly true, but it’s the best way to think of it. They insist I’ll pull out of this, eventually, although I think they’re wrong, as usual. Whatever, I know that this will be with me for the rest of my life, which is why I have to end it now, before it takes its toll on all of you.

Whatever happens with you and Adele (I’m certain you will be together forever), be happy and be good to each other. Above all else, stop being angry. It will eat away at you and everyone around you.

You’re worth more than that. Don’t you ever forget it.

Josh.

Dear Jess,

Thank you. You have been such a support to me over the past few months and I am grateful to you for not telling Ellie what I was going through. I didn’t want any of you to have to see me like this, and even you haven’t seen how bad it can get, which is why I have made the decision to end it now.

There is nothing any of you could have said or done to make it better, because they tell me it’s more than just a bout of depression. The psychiatrist said I’m probably going to go through this every so often, but that it will get easier if I face up to why I feel like this. I can’t take the pain again.

Even though I’m not worth it, you’ll probably still all grieve for me. Ellie and George must find peace. My one last request is that you come together to find it.

Good luck Jess. You are going to be the best lawyer ever and you are a truly wonderful friend. Thank you with all my heart.

Josh.

My dearest Ellie,

It’s tearing my soul apart writing this letter to you, after all we’ve been through together. I know that I am not important in your life anymore, that you’ve moved on. It’s been wishful thinking on my part to believe that you cared as much for me as I care for you. And I’ve missed you so much since we each went our separate ways to uni. I want to thank you for being my friend, even though sometimes I know it was hard for you to deal with anything but what was going on with you. I hope that it will help you to understand why I have done this.

But most of all I want you to know that it is not your fault. I’m so deeply unhappy and it’s not anyone’s fault. The worst part of all of this is knowing what my future holds. You see, I’ve been diagnosed with depression - they even mentioned the word ‘manic’. The jury’s still out on that one, although it explains a lot, about how I got through the last year on so little sleep. Well now it’s sucked me into its black heart and I can’t find a way out.

The psychiatrist I saw yesterday didn’t help at all, telling me I had a long way to go before I’d feel any better. I haven’t got the strength to make that journey. More than that, I can not burden you, or George, or any of the others with this terrible thing, and that is why I have to go. I hope you can forgive me. In time you will forget me too and get on with your life. I want you to be happy, Ellie.

Be happy.

Josh.

To my best and oldest friend, George,

You are the love of my life.

There are so many things I want to say to you, and I wish I’d had the strength, for telling you now will make it even harder for you to let go.

From the moment you walked into Mrs. Kinkade’s class you were my best friend, and I still miss our bike rides to this day. But I’m afraid it’s all too late. This depression seems to have two sides to it and it’s probably what got me through my degree - maybe I should be grateful for that. Now I get to see the other side and it feels like I’m being buried alive.