The Harder I Fall (3 page)

The barre felt like home to me, the slow movement to warm up my muscles so familiar. Each combination from plié to grand battement was second nature. By the time I finished warming up, I was soaked in sweat and ready to stretch, before moving onto the routine I was working on. Although my muscles were screaming, dropping into the splits and leaning over one leg first and then the other felt like heaven. Ballet was my freedom; I didn’t have to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t.

I was working on a routine, one of the more difficult ones, but I needed it to be perfect if I ever wanted to audition for the New York City Ballet. It had been my dream for as long as I could remember. As hard as it was to wake up at an ungodly hour each morning, the thought of not achieving my goals was tough to swallow. I shook myself out and began the routine, watching myself in the mirror as I leapt and twirled.

I wiped the sweat from my face and walked to pack up the camcorder I always used to tape my rehearsals. It helped me to watch and see where I was making mistakes.

Leaving the studio, I ran into Levi. He looked as good as I remembered, and all I wanted to do was scoot past him and get changed. No such luck.

“Hey, Becca,” he called after me.

My shoulders slumped, but I put a smile on my face and turned around. “Hi.”

“Where are you coming from?”

“Dance studio,” I mumbled.

“What kind of dance do you do?”

“Ballet.”

He cocked his head to the side, his brown eyes peering into mine. “You don’t say much, do you?”

“Sorry, I’m just in a hurry.” I smiled weakly, wishing he would leave me alone so I could change for class. It was bad enough that he was in two classes with me and lived in the same dorm.

“I’ll walk with you.” He took the duffel bag out of my hands.

“You don’t have to carry my bag. I can do it.”

“It’s cool; I don’t mind.” We walked together in silence for a bit. I was unsure of myself, and didn’t want to say something stupid. “Do you not like me or something? I always feel like I’m putting you out.” He glanced at me.

“No, it’s not that. I like you just fine.”

“Then what is it?” he asked.

“I’m no good at this kind of thing.”

“What?”

“You know boy-girl stuff. I’m not really socially experienced. You’d be better trying to be friends with Sadie.”

Levi stopped and turned to face me. “I’m not asking you to marry me, Becca. I just want to get to know you. Is that so bad?”

He had a point; he wasn’t asking me to go to bed with him, or for my hand in marriage. I just didn’t want to encourage that line of thinking. “I can be friends, but that’s where it ends.”

“Why are you so serious all the time?”

I shrugged. “That’s just how I am. My studies are serious; my ballet is serious. I guess that makes me serious.”

“I get it. You intrigue me. I just want to know you.”

I took my bag back from him and smiled. “We can try. I make no promises.”

I ran the rest of the way, leaving him by himself. Sadie was just waking up when I came into the room and dropped my bag on the floor.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“Just after 7:00; you’re not late.”

“Give me fifteen and we can grab breakfast before class?” She stretched.

“Yeah, I’m going to grab a shower. Be back in a few.” I grabbed some clothes at random from my dresser and ducked into the communal bathroom we shared with the other two girls. As the water sprayed against my back, my mind wandered back to Levi. I hated to admit it, even to myself, but I was starting to like him. I reminded myself again that I didn’t have time for boys right now. Nothing mattered but ballet.

Sadie and I were out the door in ten minutes flat. She was chattering away next to me about some big party that was happening tomorrow night. “We
have
to go Becca. Everyone is going to be there.”

“Bring Mel; you know she’ll go with you,” I countered.

“She’s already coming; that doesn’t get you off the hook. You need to lighten up and live a little.”

“Easy for you to say. I have too much on my plate for parties, Sadie.” I gave her an unexcited look as we waited in line. “I have a scholarship to worry about keeping, and I still need to find a job.”

“Come on, Becca. One party isn’t going to kill you, or throw everything off kilter.”

I knew, if I didn’t agree, she would just bug me until I eventually caved in. “Where is it?” I sighed loudly.

“Some dorm across campus. I have to look at the flyer.” She grinned at me, knowing that she’d won. “Tomorrow’s Friday; it’s not like you’re going to miss class for staying out late or anything.”

“Fine. I’ll go,” I relented.

“Yay! We’re going to have so much fun.” She spent the rest of breakfast talking about what we were going to wear.

I trudged to my first class, already regretting the party and it wasn’t even until tomorrow. Of course, I had math, too, my least favorite subject. It was all I could do to stay awake as the professor wrote equations on the white boards.

Levi was in my next class, and I was half excited, half dreading it. He was already seated when I came into the lecture hall. He turned, as though he could feel me staring at him. The smile on his face unnerved me. Why should he be this excited to see me? I moved off to the left and went to sit down, but he motioned for me to come sit by him.
Crap, double crap, and more crap
. I walked slowly down toward him, and set my bag on the floor before flopping into the sit next to him.

“Stop looking so pained; it’s not good for my ego,” he joked.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, my cheeks getting hot. I was saved from any more conversation when the professor came in and began the lecture.

I
WAS TURNING IN MY
application at the campus coffee shop, and wondering how I was going to juggle everything. “What days are you available to work?” Fran, the manager, asked me. She pushed her dark bangs out of her eyes.

“Three days a week. I can be flexible on which days.” I chewed my lip.

She studied my application for a bit. “Okay, can I call you later today? I should have a yes or a no from corporate by then.”

“Of course. I always have my phone on me.” I shook her hand and walked back out into the fading sunshine. I hoped they’d hire me; I needed the extra money. My scholarship only paid for so much.

Sadie was waiting for me out front. “So? How did it go?”

I shrugged. “She’s going to call me later.”

“Fingers crossed for you, Bec.” She smiled brightly. “Now, let’s go get ready for the party.”

I was so uncomfortable. Sadie had stuffed me into a very tight, and equally short, silver mini dress. My makeup was a lot heavier than I would normally have done myself.

“Baby girl, you look amazing,” Sadie squealed.

“This feels like too much,” I said anxiously.

“Not too much, just enough. Now scoot out so I can finish making myself into a masterpiece.”

I left her to her own personal makeup counter and went out to sulk on the couch with Layla, who looked equally miserable. Mel had put her into a skin tight pair of black jeans and a body hugging teal sweater.

“I see Mel got to you,” I remarked with an exaggerated eye roll.

“Yeah.” She huffed out a breath.

“At least you have most of your parts covered. I have to be careful or my lady bits will show.”

That got a smile out of Layla. “I think you look hot.”

“You do, too. I guess we’ll have to make the best of this.” I carefully sat next to her on the beige couch.

Mel breezed out of her room a few minutes later, looking like a supermodel. Her long blonde hair was coiled into a messy bun on the top of her head, and she wore a curve-hugging black dress that ended a few inches above what normal people would consider decent.

“You bitches ready to party?” She grinned at us.

“We’re just waiting on Sadie.” I didn’t actually respond to her question. I was not looking forward to this at all.

“Come on, Becca, loosen up and live a little. We’re only young once!”

I was saved from having to respond by Sadie making her grand appearance. She looked amazing, of course. Her long dark hair was curled into soft waves, and she had on a red mini skirt and a white tank top. “Okay, girls, let’s hit it!” She herded us all to the door.

Levi and Julian were on their way past our door when we made our way out. Levi’s eyes roved over me, from my way too high heels all the way up to the smoky eye makeup Sadie had lacquered on me.

“Becca, you look…” His voice was low and husky.

“What do you think of my outfit?” Sadie squeezed in between us.

“What? Oh, you look nice, Sadie,” he responded, never taking his eyes off me.

I felt Sadie sag against me; that was not the response she’d wanted. “Come on, Becca; we have to get going.”

“Where are you all headed?” Julian asked.

“That party across campus,” Mel answered as we walked out into the cool night air.

I wished I’d brought a jacket when Levi handed me the zip-up hoodie he had been wearing.
Don’t smell it, Becca; you know it’s going to smell like him, and you don’t need that in your head.
Despite myself, I inhaled deeply as I slipped my arms into it. Crap, it smelled just as good as I knew it would. “Thanks,” I mumbled.

“It just so happens we’re going to the same party, so we can walk with you lovely ladies.” Julian wiggled his eyebrows and offered his arm to Mel.

“What a gentleman.” She giggled and looped her arm through his.

We walked together across campus, Sadie quiet and broody. I felt so out of place, but I tried to make up for her silence with small talk. It didn’t go over well. I ended up talking about the weather and asking questions about classes.

I was beyond relieved when we got to the party. “Deep breaths; it won't be so bad.” Levi squeezed my shoulder as we went in through the door.

Sadie went straight for the keg and proceeded to get wasted in a hurry. I tried to talk her into slowing down, but she wasn’t hearing it. I steered her toward the couches so she wouldn't break an ankle.

We sat together, she drank half her weight in beer, and I sulked, wishing we could leave. Mel and Layla joined us a bit later; Mel had found a cute boy and she had her flirt set to full blast. Her girlish laughter was only slightly annoying to me. I was happy for her; she could be normal, and carefree.

“I want to go dance,” Sadie slurred.

“Really? Can you even walk in those shoes?”

“”Who needs shoes?” She kicked off her skyscraper heels and wobbled down the hall toward where the music was. People were literally packed into the room. If lust had a smell, it would smell like the room we had just walked into. The music was slow and seductive, the lights were dim, and hands were roving.

Sadie saw Levi and Julian standing against the wall, talking with some other guys we didn't know. “C’mon, Bec.”

“Are you sure you want to do whatever it is you’re planning on doing?”

“Of course; I’m not that drunk.”

The guys looked up from their conversation as we walked up. “Ladies.” Levi smiled.

“Dance with me?” Sadie put a hand on Levi’s arm.

“Um...”

“C’mon, it’ll be fun.” She pulled at him.

“Becca? A little help?” he implored me.

“Sadie, I don’t think Levi wants to dance. Let’s just go.” I grabbed hold of her hand.

“No, I want to dance with Levi.” She pouted.

“Sadie, come on, you’re drunk. Let’s go back to the dorm,” I begged.

“Why don’t you like me?” She was suddenly serious. The other guys wandered off to give us all some privacy. I wished I could wander off, too, but no such luck.

“I like you, Sadie, just not the way you want me to. I’m sorry.” He held up his hands in a gesture of apology.

“It’s because of Becca, huh?”

“No, it’s just how I feel. I don't know what else to say.”

“Sadie, let’s go.” I pulled her away, tucking my arm around her shoulder.

“Wait, do you need help getting her back to your dorm?” Levi called after us.

“No, I think we’ll manage.” We wouldn’t manage, but I knew Sadie would hate to have him around her after she’d just humiliated herself in front of him.

“I can help.” Julian smiled and swooped the now almost unconscious Sadie up into his arms.

“Thanks, Julian.” I was beyond relieved. Dragging a comatose Sadie all the way across campus did not sound fun.

“No problem, it’s not exactly a hardship to carry a hot chick.” He grinned.

We walked back in relative silence, except for the few times Sadie made sleep noises. Julian was so sweet, and he helped me get her into the dorm and onto her bed. He left me with strict instructions to give her some Advil and a full glass of water if I could wake her up. He didn’t know that this was normal for me; I knew how to deal with a drunk.

“Come on, honey. Let’s get you into some pjs and get some Advil in you before you fully pass out,” I murmured to Sadie as I stripped off her tank top and skirt.

“Mmm, don’t wanna.” She tried to roll away from me.

“I promise, you can sleep in just a few minutes.” I grabbed some pajamas from her dresser and wrestled them onto her. Next came trying to get her to swallow some Advil; finally, after a few tries, she got them down.

“Okay, you can sleep now,” I whispered to her as I pulled her covers up.

Someone knocked on the door as I walked out into the lounge. I kicked my shoes off and padded out to see who it was. Levi was standing on the other side, looking nervous.

“Hey, can I come in?” He shifted uncomfortably.

“Yeah, okay.” I stepped aside to let him in and we sat on the couch.

“I wasn’t honest before.”

“About what?”

“When I told Sadie it wasn’t because of you.”

I sucked in a breath. “Levi…”

“Wait, I know what you’re going to say. I just wanted to be honest with you.”

“I don't know what to say.” I looked down at my hands.

“You don’t have to say anything. I don't want to scare you off, but I'm not going anywhere. There’s something about you Becca. Something that calls to me.” He leaned in and kissed me lightly on the lips. His fingers brushed against my cheek.