The Grief of Others (39 page)

Was there, Biscuit wondered, turning a freshly apprehensive eye on her father’s creased trousers and necktie, on the somber solicitousness with which he was now setting the table, handling the juice glasses and the plates with suspect care and caution, moving as though to avoid incident, accident, unnecessary harm—was there another purpose to the family’s gathering today?

People thought she was little but she was not so little. People thought she was always lost in her fancies, her private conversations, the things she made up to believe in her head. But she saw. She heard. She’d known something was wrong—more wrong, extra wrong—between her parents these past few weeks. Hardspat whispers behind their bedroom door. Mistimed hugs, incompletely reciprocated. Stealthy footsteps on the stairs: too late at night, too early in the morning, always traveling in the wrong directions. The mandolin handed off in front of them all. The clear, heavy, rectangular bottle on the table that night when Biscuit had woken from her sweaty dream and crept downstairs, reaching the threshold to the kitchen in time to hear her mother’s terrible question, the words that had cracked from her throat and spilled backward like salt into the holes of the phone:
Am I good?

W
hat more is there to tell? What else ought to be, must be, said? If it were to end here, would anything of importance remain in doubt?

Would it, for example, make any difference to know that Ricky and Paul came home just then, he with his index finger hooked through a gallon of orange juice; she with an armload of blooms: five sunflowers, one for each Ryrie, as long as her arm, their heads, bright, fiery as hammered brass, poking out of a paper cone? That Ricky and Paul were each, like John, dressed in formal best, and that Paul had washed and combed his hair (and forsaken his hat) so that the high white dome of his forehead showed clear for the first time in months? That a tripping, trilling laugh nearly erupted from Biscuit to see him this way, in such a state of spit and polish, and that this laugh trembled and faded from her throat, supplanted by a stronger feeling, a staggering lunge of gratitude, of pure, unstrained affection—or no, name it: love?

That when her mother said, “Still in pj’s?” and Biscuit hopped off the radiator and ran, her lavender robe flapping, upstairs where she wriggled into her sole skirt, her sole blouse (fetched from the general pile of debris beneath her bed), she was overcome by such a tidal wave of feeling, a mix of dread and perverse gaiety all at once, she had to steady herself with a hand on the banister as she went back downstairs, admonish herself to don a solemnity suitable to the occasion?

That when Biscuit reached the front hall and found her family waiting there, her mother holding a small, corrugated cardboard box, smaller, even, than the bird’s coffin—a box whose existence had not been known to her but whose provenance and purpose she instantly apprehended—she did not have to work to don that solemnity, because it fell heavily, decisively upon her?

Or—leap forward—would it make a difference to know that at the edge of the river, where the family processed with its small, difficult burden, it was John who extracted the inner sack from the box in Ricky’s hands, who undid the twist tie and stretched open the clear plastic mouth, and that he offered it first to Biscuit? That her insides became jelly at the sight of the contents, their mottled grayness and their paucity; that she croaked, “With my hand?” and Ricky said, “Oh, John . . .” but then Biscuit did it, thrust her bare hand in and gathered a handful of milled ash and bone? That Paul went next, then Ricky and finally John, who finished by tipping up the bag and shaking the last of its contents into the river, and that they all bent then at the rocky shoreline and washed their hands in the water, rinsed the cremated body of their brother, their son, all together, each at his or her separate, identical task, the way they’d used to wash up at Cabruda Lake, brushing their teeth and soaping their hands and faces at the end of the dock?

What else could need telling? That they met Gordie and Ebie as they walked back up the hill, that Gordie acted embarrassed about catching them in their relative finery, but that his real embarrassment was over being caught himself: patrolling yet again outside their house, where he continued to feel drawn even with Jess gone? That they invited him in for pancakes; that Paul, for once, was affable toward him, struck up a conversation, asked him questions about his dad’s boxes, which were still lined up thickly along the Ryries’ living room mantel as though they’d put down runner roots and were proliferating there, this cache of alternative worlds; that Ricky and John said little and ate less, but found one another’s hands beneath the table and that this unpublic intertwining of their fingers was the most intimacy they’d shared in more than a year; that Biscuit, noticing the former but not the latter, and fancying she felt her brother’s ashes on her tongue, and the gray lady’s gaze upon them all, found herself also less than hungry; that Ebie sat throughout the meal resting her muzzle on Biscuit’s knee, and that she alone ate well?

And what of the boxes? Would it alter the course of understanding in any meaningful way to know whether Madeleine’s Piers was able to get the Joiner Boxes a show, either in a museum or a gallery, or to persuade the friend’s colleague (or colleague’s friend) to buy one, or two, or the entire lot? What, for that matter, of Madeleine? Is it necessary to know whether she and John kissed that night, whether they took off all their clothes up under the skylight in her crooked little bungalow, or whether John found himself so moved, so shaken—by the wire magician; or by the dead man whose hands had wrought it, whose loneliness had conceived it; or by Madeleine Berkowitz herself and the realization, the revelation of how small he had been and how shamed he was to have ridiculed her all these years; or by the thought of his wife, his troublesome, troubling wife, at that moment still wet-haired from her swim at the Y and waiting for him, with her mix of ingenuity and ingenuousness, her unpardonable absence and her irremediable presence, her lies and fears and honest, enduring appetite for him—that he excused himself in a jumble of apologies and went home chaste?

Could it be that attempting to answer any of these questions might amount to arrogance, to a kind of conceit verging on blasphemy? Could there be a point beyond which it would be hubris to proceed?

We know more than we pretend to know. More than we presume we know. Even so, what we know would fill a teaspoon.

Here, perhaps, is all that’s left to say:

Elsewhere in Memorial Park, as the four Ryries kneel by the river, rinsing from their hands the ashes of the fifth, a teenage girl in an army jacket is writing curse words on her wrist with a ballpoint pen. Six boys in muscle shirts cut a diagonal across the grass, making noises in imitation of drunkenness. A girl who lost a tooth last night executes her first cartwheel. A man who lost his virginity last night tries to assemble a kite. A young woman with a cane bends to drink from the fountain. A little boy, poking in the dirt, finds what he is sure is a diamond. An old man, scrunching his sandwich wrapper, throws it toward the trash, missing by a foot.

And now as the Ryries start the climb with their hollow box, heading for home where the pancake batter stands mixed and ready to pour, a red-haired man comes down the hill. He holds the leash of a large black dog, and as they draw even with the middle house on the block, they slow, both of them, man and dog, almost involuntarily, almost without noticing, and turn their heads in concert—a movement inadvertently beautiful, also comic—to look openly, hopefully, toward the door.

 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To Sue and Oscar, for everything;

to Dr. Richard Barakat and Dr. Carol Aghajanian, for time;

to Betty Brock, for being a paragon of children’s room librarians and for being ours;

to Stuart Pizer, for his step-grandfather;

to Caroline Heller, Lynn Focht, and Martha Nichols for their most felicitous balance of kindness and intelligence;

to Mary Page, for being an exquisite reader and a teacher to the bone;

to Gillian Richards and Florence Marc-Charles, for help with Baptiste and his Grann;

to Ted Simpson, for help with stagecraft;

to Cathy Jaque, Matt Spindler, Erin Edmison and especially Inge De Taeye, for their icebergian talents and labors, of which I know I glimpsed no more than the proverbial tip;

to Sarah McGrath, Geoff Kloske, Sarah Stein, and everyone at Riverhead, for their thoughtful and rare care in making this into a book;

to Barney Karpfinger, for helping me come to understand not only the work but also myself better, and for his increasingly vital friendship these past twenty years;

to Joan and Arnie and Tam, for coming into the picture; and to George, Rosy, Joe, Barley and Mike, for everything else:

thank you.

ALSO BY LEAH HAGER COHEN

FICTION
House Lights
Heart,You Bully,You Punk
Heat Lightning

 

 

NONFICTION
Without Apology
The Stuff of Dreams
Glass, Paper, Beans
Train Go Sorry