The Great Santini (60 page)

Bull had gone over the menu with the chef of the Officers' Club weeks in advance. He wanted the finest roast beef possible; he wanted the wines to be superb. He wanted to throw a Mess Night that would worm its way into the oral history of the Marine Corps. His normal intolerance of affectation did not extend to the elegant symmetry of Mess Night. The ceremony itself was one which began in refinement, in a spirit of proper felicity.

He had issued a call to the most legendary aviators he had known in the Marine Corps, the ones who had combined uncanny abilities as pilots with the personalities of carnival barkers and exhibitionists. On the invitations he had sent out he wrote personal notes to the six Marines who were stationed as far away from Ravenel as El Toro and as near as Cherry Point. He had written that he wanted to show the sweet peas in his squadron what the Old Corps was like. He wanted to dredge up some of the old dinosaurs that Bull Meecham came up with in the late days of World War II. Three out of the six officers he had invited had flown in for the occasion and now occupied the head table with him. He had not told a single person in the squadron who he was inviting. Instinct told him that if Colonel Varney had discovered who the men Bull had invited were, then Varney would have done his best to cancel the whole event. But Bull felt an obligation to his men that they be exposed to some of the true wild men who still inhabited the ranks of the Corps.

The meal proceeded with a stateliness and underplayed grandeur. Bull had sent Ben out the day before to gather enough fresh oysters for the oyster cocktails. The French onion soup was hot when it arrived, a rarity, all noted, at the Officers' Club. The head waiter marched into the room flanked by the drummers and fifers, rolling a huge roast before him. Stopping behind the Mess President, he cut a small piece of the beef and laid it on Bull's plate. Bull ate it slowly with all eyes on him. Finally he announced as Mess Presidents before him had done as long as there had been Mess Nights, "This beef is tasty and fit for human consumption."

When the dinner was over, the waiters cleared the tables quickly and bottles of port were brought out for the traditional toasts. After the glasses had been filled, Bull rapped a gavel on the head table for silence. He then rose and, lifting his glass, he said with feeling," Gentlemen, the President of the United States."

All Marines in the room rose as one and lifting their glasses they said in unison," The President," as the band played the national anthem. When the band had finished playing the officers took their seats. After a minute had passed Bull rose again and, lifting his glass of port, this time he stared at Lieutenant Snell who was serving as Vice President of the Mess at the far end of the table.

"Mr. Vice," Bull said in a voice that rang through the dining room," Corps and Country."

Lieutenant Snell stood and with his glass at eye level returned the toast by saying," Long live the United States, and success to the Marines."

The other Marines, lifting their glasses, thundered, "The Corps!" and the band struck up the Marine Corps hymn.

The old hymn, Bull thought, as the band played" Semper Fidelis. "In it were contained all the old poetry and stern cadences of what the Marine Corps embodied and embraced. It was a song that offered more goosebumps per square inch than any song he had ever heard. He mouthed the words to the song. Montezuma. Tripoli. And felt himself nourished by the plasma of letters and syllables that had come to denote a commitment to gallantry among the men with whom he had chosen to spend his life. In the room were close to fifty men who would die for this flag, this country, this service, and this song. It was a worthy song, and it could stir the embrasures and battlements of a strong man's soul.

When the hymn was over, the waiters brought coffee and Bull rapped with his gavel once again and announced," The smoking lamp is lighted. "Cigars were passed around the tables, contraband from Cuba that had been commandeered while the squadron was at Guantanamo. Bull grinned and motioned for his guests to watch as he spotted Captain Brannon urinating into a water glass beneath the table as he carried on a conversation with the officers who sat across from him.

Then Bull rose to introduce the guests.

"Gentlemen," he said," before we begin the fun and games portion of the evening, I'd like to introduce our honored guests and give a brief biography of each of them. I think the biography will explain why I invited these particular men to our Mess Night.

"First, on my right is Colonel John 'Blue Balls' Conners," Bull said, motioning his hand toward a thin, rangy man who had worn a constant smile the whole evening. "Blue Balls is one of the best dogfighters in this man's Marine Corps. He is also one of the sloppiest, grossest Marine aviators ever to make the rank of bird colonel. I would like to explain his nickname. For some reason which I will never be able to explain a flight of four of us Marine types got snowbound in South Dakota one winter and, sportsfans, you ain't never been snowbound till you been snowbound in South Dakota. The blizzard lasted for five days and being men not afraid to take a drop of liquor we proceeded to get as drunk as humanly possible. One of our companions lapsed into a state that resembled rigor mortis, but the rest of us just kept drinking. The snow kept falling and piling up in huge drifts around the BOQ where we traded war stories with some pussy Air Force types," Bull said, pausing for the derisive roar he knew would come at the mention of the Air Force.

"Tempers were growing short because Blue Balls had started punching out promising young Air Force pilots because he didn't like the fact that they claimed to have legitimate fathers. Well, one of the Air Force pilots bet John over there that he couldn't run naked around that BOQ through all that snow. John, a man not known for his moderation, started tearing his clothes off his body and before we could stop him, he raced out the front door and was in the snow. Now it was ten below zero outside and the snow had piled up in drifts of seven and eight feet in some places. We ran to the windows on the second floor and began a reconnaissance mission of following Conners around the building, 'cause we thought sure the boy was gonna die before he got ten feet. All we could see was the top of Conner's head charging through the snow like a plow, busting his ass for the pride and honor of the Marine Corps. The boys in the Air Force started making bets about how long it would take for Conners to die out there in the snow, but we knew he had been drinking for three days and that the alcohol was acting as an antifreeze in his body. We also knew Conners wouldn't dare die and leave us humiliated in that Air Force BOQ. Well, on he charged around that building, disappearing from sight in a ten-foot drift on one occasion, freezing his skinny little ass off, and kept on charging until he collapsed in our arms at the front door. His whole naked ugly body was as red as a strawberry, except for his two balls which were the brightest blue you have ever seen. It was also on this occasion that we discovered that Blue Balls had the smallest pecker in the Marine Corps. Gentlemen, I present to you Colonel Blue Balls Conners."

Colonel Conners arose to a tumultuous ovation which he finally calmed by raising a muscular arm in the air to signal for quiet.

"Gentlemen," he said in a mellifluous voice, "your C.O. is the most notorious liar in the Marine Corps. It has also been proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that he is a homosexual. He goes down on generals and statues in parks. The story he just told you is pure fabrication. There was only a touch of frost on the ground and what slowed me up on that particular occasion was the prodigious size of my member. As I raced around the BOQ, my member dragged a full three feet behind me as I ran. I finally just had to pick the thing up, hurl it over my shoulder, and continue to run. My nickname is not Blue Balls, as your lying C.O. asserts. Gentlemen, my nickname is Python Penis."

Bull stood again, joining in the applause for Colonel Conners's retort, then, when the noise subsided, began to introduce his second guest of the evening. He gestured toward a swarthy, hatchet-nosed man whose face betrayed not the smallest nuance of emotion. "The next guest I would like to tell you about is Lieutenant Colonel William Blitcher, better known as Apache Bill to us oldtimers. Apache Bill is a full-blooded Pawnee Indian and the reason we named him Apache is because it pissed him off so damn bad every time we called him anything besides a Pawnee. Apache Bill joined the Corps so he could screw white women and fly airplanes. He's a quiet man with a powerful temper. I'd like to tell a story to illustrate why it's bad news to piss off Apache Bill. When I was a new captain, long before I rose to the meteoric heights of light colonel, my squadron at Cherry Point, of which Apache Bill was a member, was simulating carrier landings on the runway and a senior captain was acting as the Landing Signal Officer, giving us cuts or wave-offs as we came in to land. Well, Apache Bill had a hot date that night with one of those monstrous things that passed for a female in his eyes and he was anxious to land his bird and go spooning. Well, he came in for his landing, made a perfect approach, and much to his surprise was waved off by the L.S.O. Now, Apache Bill was not getting along too well with the L.S.O. anyway and being a man with a legendary short fuse, he circled around and, instead of making another pass at the carrier landing, decided to cut the L.S.O. in half with his Corsair. He came in low on a strafing run and would have chopped the pogue in half had the L.S.O. not prudently flattened himself on the runway. Well, to make a long story short Apache Bill chased that poor son of a bitch all over that runway for an hour with most of the base watching and laughing like hell. And yes, gentlemen, there was a court-martial and yes, gentlemen, Apache Bill was found guilty. He was moved back two hundred numbers on the seniority sheet. One of the court-martial board said later that the board found him guilty for not catching the L.S.O. Gentlemen, I present to you with great pride and admiration Apache Bill Blitcher."

"Gentlemen," Apache Bill said when the tumult of his introduction had subsided. "I knew Bull Meecham long before he had his sex change operation."

Even in the midst of the whooping and hollering following his opening line, Apache Bill did not change expression, did not give even a hint that his face was not a mold or the image on a coin. When the shouting stopped, he continued," I love flying with a passion, purple. I love flying with good pilots, period. I love flying with Bull Meecham because he flies a bird the way it ought to be flown. He disproves the old saying that there are old pilots and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots. Bull Meecham is an old bold pilot and so am I. Since he always tells that story about me and the L.S.O., I will tell the story about how he got his nickname. Do you know that story?" Apache Bill asked the pilots of the squadron.

"No," they screamed.

"He was a first lieutenant and he was taking a little R and R with a real young innocent kid. They went to a beach in Hawaii and upon seeing all those broads down on the beach sunning their gorgeous, willing bodies the young boy said, There's a field of cows down there, man. Let's make like young bulls, run down there real fast, and fuck one of them.'

"'No,' Meecham said after pausing for a moment, 'let's make like old bulls. Let's walk down there real slow and fuck 'em all.'"

Once again the full-throated hurrahs arose as the Marines began to cut through the membrane that enclosed the first half of the Mess Night and began to cross the threshold to where an institutional wildness became the final confirmation of brotherhood. The Mess Night was bridled by stiffness and form only in the first hours; now the evening was moving quickly toward a more visceral, more wanton kind of tradition. In the voices of thick-necked men was heard a rising quality of debauch, the baying of a collective id.

"Before I sit down, I would like to tell you who the Landing Signal Officer on that field was that I chased for an hour," Apache Bill said.

"You're gonna get me in trouble, Apache," Bull said.

"It was Colonel Joseph Varney, U.S.M.C., and I regret to this day I didn't cut his legs off."

When Bull arose to introduce the last guest, he winked at Butch Brannon, then pointed to a massively constructed lieutenant colonel who was pouring himself glasses of bourbon on the rocks from a bottle he had brought with him from the bar. The man was the largest and most physically imposing man in the room. He had soft places and was girdled with a ponderous stomach and huge buttocks, but the weight did not diminish his formidability.

"The final guest here on my right is this puny, frail-boned creature who goes by the name of Rabies Odum. Now I want you folks to be very careful of Rabies because he has a few peculiarities which will get you in trouble if he takes a keen dislike to you. He is known to hate grunts more than any aviator in the Marine Air Wing. Every time he sees a grunt, he acts like a mad dog, foams at the mouth, and if not restrained, eventually bites the grunt on the leg causing gangrene and death. He was an all-American football player at Alabama the year before they started taking boys on the team. He shot down two enemy planes in Korea and is one of the best air support pilots I have ever seen. He's proud of his fat body and he considers himself to be the strongest, toughest, meanest son of a bitch ever to don the uniform of a U.S. Marine. The only way I got him down here tonight was to tell him we got someone in this squadron who can chew him a new asshole."

"Brannon," someone yelled.

"Where's this Brannon?" Odum growled.

"Here, sir," Brannon said, rising out of his seat, egged on by the cheers of his squadron.

For ten seconds Odum stared at Brannon, silently measuring the man against old opponents. Finally he began to laugh and shake his head sadly. "Ha ha. This is the best you got, Bull? This muscle-bound abortion got me to Ravenel from the West Coast?"

Brannon straightened himself up, took a long drink from the bottle of port, set it down and said to Odum," Sir."

"Yes, son, what is it?" Odum said, almost yawning.