The Governess Club: Claire (12 page)

“Lucy, could you please take the children outside? I believe there are some new flowers in bloom in the garden. When you come back, they can describe them to me.”

Chaos abounded for several minutes as the children scattered to get ready. Jacob was called upon several times to offer opinions on appropriate clothing and toys to take along. Finally, the demons had left, and silence reigned in the nursery. Claire had not moved during the commotion; neither had Jacob. He stood staring at her for several long minutes. Claire kept her eyes downcast, but he could see the effects of a sleepless night around them.

“Claire,” he began.

“The proper form of address for my position is ‘Miss Bannister’,” she said, adding a quiet, “my lord.”

“Claire, please,” he beseeched. “I’m still just Jacob.”

“But you’re not,” she replied, at last lifting her eyes to his. The emptiness inside of them shocked him. “You are the Earl of Rimmel, son of the Duke of Maberly, and I am Miss Bannister, nobody.”

He took a step toward her. “I may not be earl for much longer. I am the younger son. My brother’s wife is due to give birth soon and if it is a boy, the title will pass to him.”

“Semantics, my lord.”

“Not really. When it comes down to it, I am still the same person.”

“Yes, the same person who deceived an entire household into thinking you were someone you are not.”

“I can explain.”

“I am not sure I want to hear it.”

“Please, Claire,” Jacob said. “Just hear me out.” He could see her mind working, different emotions flickering across her face.

“Very well,” she finally said.

Jacob gestured toward the rocking chair. “Sit, please.”

“I have agreed to listen to your explanations,” Claire said. “I did not agree to bend proprieties.”

“You do not have any hesitations in berating your betters,” Jacob retorted, some of his frustration bubbling to the surface.

Claire stared at him, her eyes wide and empty. “I believe you, and I can agree that these are exceptional circumstances.”

“Then please, sit,” Jacob said again, “as these are exceptional circumstances.”

Claire hesitated a moment before moving to the rocking chair. Settling her skirts around her ankles, she forced herself to sit straight. Her stomach pulsed with the need to pull her bedcovers over her head and hide from the world or, barring that, this man. In the hours since his deception had been revealed, she had felt all emotion leech out of her; she had given this man—this peer of the realm—her heart and her trust, and now it was clear that she was to get nothing in return, nothing back from this man. In retrospect, it was a risk she had voluntarily taken, but the result was the same: she was now empty, numb.

Claire raised her eyes to Jacob’s. “I am ready to hear your explanation.”

Pacing in front of her, Jacob ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath. He had little idea where to start, in actuality. How could he present his situation in a manner that she would understand? Even more, in a manner that would achieve her forgiveness? He knew that he had violated her trust; he knew how highly she valued honesty. He knew that it would take much debasement on his part to regain her trust again.

Jacob pulled one of the smaller chairs to sit in front of Claire. He managed to get his large frame into it and clasped his hands in front of him, looking at her, hoping his sincerity was clear in his eyes. “Let me begin by saying how deeply sorry I am for hurting you. It was never my intention. You deserve more than that.”

“Did you think no one would get hurt by this?” Claire asked. “I am not even speaking of adults. You deliberately entered an environment with vulnerable, impressionable children. How do you think the children will react when you leave? How can you fully understand the extent of what you did? You are not the one who will have to cope with the results of your behavior.”

“I know,” Jacob said. “I know it now. Yes, I didn’t think it through. But my time here has changed me. You have changed me.”

“No, do not do that,” Claire said. “Do not involve me in your scheme any more than you already have. I refuse to take any responsibility in this at all, not when I am the one you deceived the most. I gave you chances; I asked you about your life. I was entirely honest and expected to receive the same from you.”

“Everything I told you about my life is true,” Jacob defended. “I just omitted the fact of the title.”

“But how I can determine beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are telling the truth now?” Claire asked. “You are looking at me the same way you have for the last weeks. I believed in your sincerity then, but now all I see is a stranger.”

“Claire,” he implored.

“I don’t even know why you did it,” she continued, rubbing her forehead. “Why on earth would you go to such elaborate lengths to disguise yourself? Whatever did you do to warrant even hiding your title? Is it something so scandalous and unpardonable that I shouldn’t even ask?” She covered her mouth in horror. “Heavens, Jacob, did you get a young lady pregnant and refuse to marry her? Run from a duel? Kill a man in a duel?” The last words were strangled whispers.

“No,” Jacob said. “No, I swear it, Claire. It is nothing so dire as that.”

“Then why the deception?” Her eyes were full of sadness and confusion.

Jacob sat back awkwardly in the small chair, running his hand through his hair once more. He was sure Aldgate’s valet would be dismayed to see his hard work destroyed so easily. “In retrospect, it was quite the foolish decision,” Jacob began. “Knowing that merely increases my shame and remorse. As I said, everything I told you about my life, in particular regarding my relationship with my father, was true. I have spent my life in the shadow of my older brother. I learned early in my life that I could never live up to my father’s expectations, so sometime during my time in Eton, I stopped trying. Instead of killing myself to meet the duke’s high standards, I chose to live my life for myself, for my pleasure. Ironically, I received more attention from him once news of my escapades got back to him than I did while behaving properly, as a duke’s son should. I started receiving monthly, if not more frequent, lectures from the duke on propriety and social expectations.

“Then Bradford married two years ago and now has a child on the way. I don’t begrudge my brother the title, the marriage, or the happiness he has found; indeed, I am happy for him myself. But in my brother’s successes, my father found more ways to demonstrate how I am lacking in every possible way.”

Unable to sit any longer, Jacob pulled himself out of the chair and strode to the window. Leaning against it, he momentarily watched the children playing tag in the garden. So much for identifying flowers.

“It became harder to ignore his taunts and accusations. This past spring, after he had been presented with yet another gambling debt of mine, he said that I had to marry or be cut off. I refused, obviously, which precipitated a row like none we had before. During this, he accused me of being . . . nothing.” Jacob swallowed the bitter lump in his throat before continuing. “He said that I was dependent upon his title and the title I carry, which was the result of nothing more than an accident of birth. He claimed that if I had neither, I would be found in a gutter after no more than a month, nameless and faceless. Going further, he said that I was a person society would not miss, as if I were a murderer or a thief.”

Jacob turned back to face Claire, to gauge her reaction to his words. Her face was still, stony, her eyes on the chair where he had sat. “So I left. I told him I didn’t need the title, didn’t want it, that I could be a better person without it than he could be with his dukedom. It would be preferable to live poor but free than to live within the shadow of a courtesy title that I never asked for and be subject to a man such as him.

“I took nothing but the clothes on my back and the purse of coins in my pocket. Once I determined to be a tutor, I found clothing I thought to be appropriate to the position, exaggerated my way into an employment agency, and found myself on a horse cart on the way here a week later. You know the rest.”

Claire continued to sit still, staring at the chair. She had heard every word he said, had absorbed every nuance of his voice, only to have it echo in the hollow regions of her heart. If he had told her this story a week, four days, three hours ago, she would have reached out in comfort.

Jacob moved back to sit in the chair, facing her. “In perfect honesty Claire, I was afraid that he was right, that I was worthless. Like a beaten dog, I began to suspect it was true and that I deserved everything he had ever said to me. I needed to do this to prove to myself otherwise; I needed to do this to regain my self-respect and pride.”

Claire finally spoke. “It is a shame that in your quest for self-actualization you destroyed that of others.”

Jacob reached forward and took her hands in his. “Claire, please believe me when I say I had no intention of hurting anyone. Especially you.”

Claire gently tugged her hands away and stood; he automatically did the same. “Yet that was the result. As despicable as he sounds, it appears your father was correct about you. You once said that you tend to bring out the worst in people; you neglected to mention that you bring out the worst in yourself as well.”

“You don’t mean that,” Jacob said softly.

“Perhaps not. Perhaps it is merely bitterness speaking,” Claire said. She gave a small laugh. “Odd, since I am feeling no emotion whatsoever at this moment.” She turned and moved toward her door. “Goodbye, my lord.”

Jacob followed her. “Claire, wait.” He managed to get to her door at the same time as she and held his hand against it, barring her from entering her room and shutting him out. “Surely what I did was not entirely unforgivable.”

“What you did?” Claire repeated. “You believe that all you did was tell a lie. But it is more than that. I trusted you, yes, but even more, I trusted myself. And that is gone now, for I couldn’t see you for what you were. That is what is unforgiveable.”

“Only one of us is to remain here, my lord,” Claire finished, staring at the doorknob. “As I am employed here and need to work for a living, it shall be me.”

“Yes, I am aware of that. I will be in London for a few days, a fortnight at most, cleaning up this mess.”

Claire gave a sad smile. She was now a mess. “Safe travels.”

“I will return for you.”

“I really wish you wouldn’t, my lord.” Claire brushed his hand off the door and opened it, slipping around him.

“But Claire,” Jacob said, “I love you.”

She looked him in the eye. “I don’t believe you.” She shut the door; all Jacob heard was the lock sliding into place.

C
laire sat unobtrusively on a window seat, trying to blend in with the drapery. Lady Aldgate had invited her two eldest daughters down for tea for her visit with the minister’s wife. The girls were behaving admirably, speaking when only spoken to and keeping their fidgeting to a minimum. As proud as she was of them, it freed her mind to wander. To think of Jacob.

She had never known it possible to dislike and miss a person so intensely and simultaneously. The depth of his betrayal had left her feeling shattered; had anything between them been honest and sincere, or had it all been a lie? Claire had spent the last few days sifting through everything he had said, everything he had done and she still failed to entirely determine what had been true and what had been falsehood.

How could she have trusted him so completely, so blindly? She had once considered herself a good judge of character; now even her faith in herself was broken. She had given this man her heart, had welcomed him into her bed, had believed his proposal sincere, but it all meant nothing.

And he was a duke’s son as well, from a world far above her own. His kind was the one she served; she was a member of the invisible class. From the start he had to have known that any relationship between them would have been impossible. Oh no, they had had the only kind of intimate relationship noblemen like him engaged in with women like her. What a fool she had been.

The worst was the nights. Despite her anger, her pain, her traitorous body ached for his touch. Missed the feel of his body alongside hers, yearned for the feel of his hands on her skin. Claire decided to add this to Jacob’s list of betrayals: he had awakened her body to new sensations, only to leave her with no way to fulfill these new longings.

“Miss Bannister is going to have a baby.”

Claire’s head jerked up at Mary’s voice, her eyes wide, her throat closed. Had she heard correctly? Judging from the sudden silence of the older ladies, they had heard the same thing.

“I beg your pardon, Mary?” Lady Aldgate asked.

“Miss Bannister is going to have a baby,” the young girl dutifully repeated.

Claire half-rose from her seat at the window. “No, I—”

“I am sure you are mistaken, dear,” Lady Aldgate said. “Miss Bannister would never do such a thing.” She turned back to the minister’s wife to resume their conversation.

“But I saw them,” Mary insisted, unaware of the turmoil she was causing. Her need to be affirmed by her mother blinded her to all else. Her sister tried to shush her, but Mary would have none of it. “I saw her kiss Mr. Knightly.”

Lady Aldgate wore a tight smile on her face. “Mary, this is not a topic appropriate for tea. Miss Bannister, take Mary to the nursery.”

Claire hurried to do her bidding. Anything to remove herself from this situation. She would speak to Mary privately.

“No.” Mary was growing louder the more distraught she became. “I saw it. I saw Miss Bannister kiss Mr. Knightly, and that’s how babies are made. He was touching her bubbies and they were going like this.” Mary opened her mouth and swirled her tongue around her lips.

Claire could only stand and stare, her hand at her throat. Both women were also staring at the young girl. In Mary’s actions, Claire could see all of her hard work, all of her plans for her future, her reputation, slip away. Mary finally sensed that something was the matter. She slowly closed her mouth and gave Claire a wide-eyed, frightened look.