The Good Father (27 page)

“Not one good dream, El.”

She nodded, dislodging the tears that filled her eyes. They dropped to her cheeks. “So...the fear...it was greater than the joy? Greater than the idea of you and me making a baby together?”

She was reaching for her future. He had to help her let go of her past.

“You want the truth?” he asked, knowing that now was the time to give it to her.

“Yes.”

“When I found out you’d lost the baby...my first conscious feeling was...relief. I’d been saved from what I saw as my fate—finding out too late that I was like my father.”

There. Now she knew his dirtiest secret. His darkest shame. He’d felt saved when his child had died before ever being born.

Now she could leave him, the phantom in the cellar.

Brett wasn’t surprised at the horrified pain on Ella’s face. The fresh spate of tears in her eyes. He wasn’t surprised when she stood and left him sitting there, in his beautiful garden, alone.

The only thing that surprised him were her parting words.

“I love you, Brett Ackerman.”

Sad truth was he loved her, too.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

E
LLA RAN FOR
her car. Got around the block before she pulled over and gushed a river.

For herself. For Brett. And for the precious little child who was just beginning to form in her womb and would never know his or her father.

She’d gone to Brett’s to tell him about the baby.

Chloe was going to know soon. She’d probably think it was Jason’s.

And she’d be happy for Ella.

She couldn’t tell Chloe, or anyone else, the truth without Brett knowing.

She had to tell him. She just hadn’t been able to stay with him another minute.

She’d been sitting there, wishing she belonged. And knowing she never would. Not with Brett.

No one would.

She cried until her stomach cramped and her tongue was dry. Cried for the baby she’d lost. For the life and dreams she’d lost.

And then, when her stomach cramped, she stopped.

She had a child to think about now.

A new life.

Cradling her stomach, she sat there in the darkness and rolled down her window so she could hear the waves in the distance.

She was going to have to move.

It wouldn’t be fair to Brett to have his child grow up right under his nose.

And she owed him. Because he’d done this for her. He’d given her his child.

He couldn’t give her his heart. Or his life.

But he’d given her a piece of himself. A new life.

One that would be a connection between them Brett could never sever.

She just had to get herself under control enough to let him know what he’d done.

* * *

B
RETT WAS OUTSIDE
, still in his khakis and polo shirt, skimming the pool in the shadows cast by the landscape lighting when he heard his doorbell ring. He glanced up, a bit confused by the sound. In all the years he’d lived there, he’d never had unsolicited visitors and now it was happening a second time.

Still, it wasn’t a summons he could ignore. And when he pulled open the door, he saw Ella standing there, looking exactly as she had when she’d walked out of his home an hour before except for her tear-ravaged face.

“I have to talk to you,” she said, stepping forward so he had to either let her in or block her. He stepped back.

“El, I’m so sorry...” The words stuck in his throat. It was closing in on him. He’d sworn he was done hurting her. And he was doing it all over again.

With a wave of her hand she dismissed his apology. And anything else he might say.

“I came here today to tell you something. But I had to understand the past first, and then that got in my way.”

She walked toward the kitchen, but before he could follow her she was on her way back to him. Looking at the floor. Not him.

“I know you don’t want this, but I still have to tell you. Brett, I’m pregnant.”

He was busy watching her pace, trying to get a good look at her face so he could figure out if she was pissed or beside herself with pain. It took an extra second for her words to register. She’d come to tell him she was pregnant?

Dear God, don’t let it be true.

That was why she’d been asking questions about the past?

Because she was pregnant?

No. Oh, God, no. Please...no.

She couldn’t be. They’d made love one night with no thermometer. No test tubes, or small rooms with a command to him to perform. No artificial insemination. Or fertility treatments. It had been physical desire, period. No baby making involved.

His thoughts flew like snowflakes in a blizzard. Mixing with mental repeats of the words he’d said to her earlier.

“I understand that you don’t want a child in your life. And I’m absolutely certain that I don’t want you in this baby’s life. You’re right—he doesn’t deserve a father who would be relieved by his death. The damage that would do to him would be irreparable...”

She paced. Still not looking at him. “But as his father, you had a right to know. I had an obligation to tell you. So there. You’ve been told. Now I have to go...”

She headed for the door and Brett, arms crossed, barred her way.

“Wait.” The word was short. Softly spoken. And filled with more emotion than he could decipher. But panic was definitely in there.

“The baby’s mine.” His gums hurt with the force with which his jaws clamped down on the words.

She looked up at him. And he saw the anger lighting a fire in her eyes. “I haven’t slept with anyone but you since we met.” How words that were so cuttingly delivered could ease the storm inside him he didn’t know, but they did.

Just not enough. “I wasn’t asking a question,” he clarified. She wouldn’t be there if the child wasn’t his. And then continued. “How dare you set me up like that? You come in here asking me to be honest about our past pregnancy, knowing full well that you’re about to tell me about a current one?”

“Exactly.” She was still staring him down in the front hallway of his home. “Because I needed to know the truth, Brett, not whatever obligatory or accountable thing you’d come up with. We know our situation. No matter how much we care about each other, we aren’t good for each other. A baby doesn’t change that. If anything, it makes any personal association between us even more out of reach because any risk I take now would involve the baby, as well.”

If she’d reached out and slapped him it would have hurt less.

His worst nightmare had just been reborn. With a twist. Ella wasn’t going to let him be involved with his child.

Why wasn’t he relieved? And what in the hell was he going to do?

“Is that all you’ve got to say?”

She nodded. But didn’t leave. If she was done talking, she should leave.

No. It was his turn.

There were questions he should ask. His mind was frozen.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been sharp with you.” This was no more her fault than his. And he couldn’t blame her for needing answers. “You have every right to ask whatever questions you need to ask. To make sure the past doesn’t repeat itself.”

He noticed her lips trembling. And felt shaky, too. All over. His thoughts. His body. His heart. The ground he stood on. Everything was shaky.

“I’ll pay for everything.”

That felt right.

His words brought tears to her eyes, and she shook her head.

“I told you, Brett. I’m doing this on my own. I don’t want this child to be supported by someone who isn’t in his or her life. There will be questions. Inferences drawn—you know, ‘he really loves us or he wouldn’t have supported us all these years.’ I know you can’t help how you feel, Brett. I don’t blame you or think any less of you. I just can’t set this baby up for the kind of heartache I’ve felt all these years.” Her voice fell as her eyes continued to glisten.

The words cut into him with a sharpness he could hardly withstand. And even then, he knew she was right. Knew there was nothing he could do to change things.

She was right on all counts.

For once in his life, he wanted to be angry. Wanted to fight back.

There was nothing to fight.

“You were right about one other thing,” he told her as she turned to go.

“What?” She paused at the door, looking back at him.

“Nothing’s changed.”

He meant between them. Her needing things he couldn’t give. Him trying to do the right thing and hurting her in the process. It wasn’t until later, after he’d calmed down enough to think and was replaying their exchange over and over in his mind, that it dawned on him that she could have taken his statement another way.

“Nothing’s changed,” he’d said. Had she thought he was referring to how he’d felt the last time she’d told him she was pregnant? Referring to the things he’d told her by the pool that afternoon? About him not wanting the child? Not wanting to be a father? The panic and dread.

He hadn’t been. And didn’t ask himself if those same feelings even applied. At the moment, they were moot.

He tried to call her. To apologize. And explain.

She didn’t pick up.

* * *

B
RETT WAITED FOR
Ella after work on Saturday. He’d rescheduled a dinner meeting and given away courtside basketball tickets to be back in Santa Raquel by three so he could find her car before she got to it and drove away. Luckily she’d found a spot in the on-site lot. He didn’t have access to the garage.

He wasn’t going to call and just be sent to voice mail. And he didn’t want to risk having to make small talk with Chloe at the apartment.

She stopped short when she saw him standing there among all the vehicles lining the lot. She’d made it to about five feet from her car.

“It’s okay,” he said, holding up both hands as he went to meet her. Her scrubs were purple again, with primary-colored teddy bears, and her hair was up in its usual ponytail. “I’m just here to apologize. And to explain. When I said that nothing’s changed, I was referring to me trying to do the right thing and hurting you instead. I wasn’t talking about the baby or my feelings about the pregnancy in any way.”

She nodded. Looked toward her car but didn’t leave.

“Ella? Can we talk about this?” he asked, following her. “I was up most of the night and don’t imagine you got much sleep, either. We’re having a baby. We need to figure this out.”

Her expression closed to him, Ella tilted up her face. “You’re right. I was up most of the night and after a full shift, I’m exhausted. But I know this, Brett. I’m going to be happy. I’m sorry for the cards you were dealt. I’m sorry for me that you are my one and only. But I’m not going to spend my life unhappy because things aren’t different. I’ve been given a second chance. I’m embracing it for what it is. Thrilled that it’s here at all. And I can’t afford to deal with your issues anymore. I can’t keep opening myself up to being hurt when you can’t come through for me. And I can’t keep hurting you, either, making you feel like you’re doing something wrong all the time, just because you don’t need the same things I do, or feel as I do, or think like I do.”

Her blows bounced off him like arrows against steel. He stood and took every one of them. Because he’d spent one of the most uncomfortable nights of his life. And that was saying a lot. Because Ella’s shocking news was forcing him to face up to the life he’d been dealt.

“I withhold affection when you need it most. You can’t trust me to be caring when you need to be cared for.”

“Maybe. Probably.”

“When you miscarried, I thought I’d been given a sign. A reprieve. I could be a selfish bastard and stay regardless of who got hurt because it was what I wanted. In spite of the fact that you knew I’d seen a divorce lawyer, you weren’t going to kick me out. But I saw what it was doing to you, El. Every time I got quiet, your shoulders would hunch. Your face got tight. It’s like a little more of you died every day. I’d try to think of something to say and just came up blank. And I knew my reprieve, my second chance, was to set you free.”

“Maybe, but you wanted out, Brett. That’s the truth that finally dawned on me. You didn’t try to get help. You just saw an attorney. And later, just left. You aren’t your dad, you know. You’re your mom. You check out. And maybe you can’t help that. I just know I can’t do it anymore.

“I’m sorry,” she said then, her eyes warming and glistening, as if she might cry again. But then her shoulders slumped and the softness came back into her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said again, giving her head a little shake. “I’m not myself right now. I don’t mean to be so hard on you. Or so harsh. It’s just...I’m... I have to be strong, Brett.”

He nodded. Wanted to take her in his arms and promise her that everything would be all right. That he’d be strong for her when she couldn’t be.

But he knew he couldn’t.

Ella couldn’t take any more empty promises.

“I was going to call you,” she said, her voice gentle. “I was wrong yesterday. So wrong. I want you to know that as far as I’m concerned, you have no obligation here, at all. I’m perfectly okay and capable of doing this on my own. But I have no right to keep you out of your child’s life. This baby is yours as much as mine and you are welcome to whatever involvement you want to have. If that’s financial, then so be it. This baby is mine, but only on loan. I can’t control every aspect of his or life—including his relationship with his father. And I just can’t do...you and me...anymore.”

She was beautiful. And so far away. And so right. Again.

“Let me ask you something...”

She waited.

He stood in the employee parking lot of a children’s hospital and felt as though he was somehow fighting for his life.

“Knowing what you know about me, if I was around, would you really trust me not to abuse my child?” The question was purely hypothetical, but one that had repeated itself over and over as he relived the last time she’d carried his child.

“Of course I would. It’s not a matter of what I think of you, Brett, it’s a matter of what you think of yourself that’s always been the problem.”

The arrows hit flesh that time.