The Godmother (41 page)

Knock, knock, knock. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I stood up and walked into the living room.

Knock, knock, knock. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Not Cora. Please, God, anything but Cora. Anything but Cora.

I reached the door and opened it.

It was Ben.

“Ben?”

“I have to tell you something.”

So, they'd sent Ben to soften the blow. That made sense. I braced for impact.

“You may have wished you'd never left the passageway, but I never did,” he said.

“What?”

“I thought I had. But I hadn't. I've been waiting there for years, I didn't even know it.”

This wasn't about Cora. This was about—

“Us,” said Ben, finishing my thoughts for me. “I'm here about us. You and me. Tess, my darling, ridiculous, wonderful Tess, don't you understand? It's you I love. You.”

I stared at him.

“Aren't you going to say anything?”

I held open the door. No. Yes. “You'd better come in.”

We stood in my flat, lit only by the lights along the river, looking at one another. He glowed a strange murky color and the pattern of raindrops on the glass made his skin look blistered. I'd never seen a man look so beautiful.

“I don't understand.”

“What's there not to understand?” said Ben. “We've been bloody idiots.”

“You said ‘Oh.'”

“Well, obviously I said ‘Oh,' I was in shock. I had no idea you felt that way. I had no idea I felt that way; I've lived with it for so long.”

“With what?”

“Being in love with you.”

I put my hands to my face. “I don't believe this,” I said.

He took a step towards me. “Believe it. Helen's accident made me see it too. I love you.” He took my hand and led me to the sofa. This was my dream come true and I was scared to death. “What about Sasha?”

“I'll tell her. I fell in love with you when I was fifteen years old. But we were friends, I never thought it could last.”

“Me too, I thought we'd split up and wouldn't be a group any more; I didn't think it was worth it.”

“But it has lasted, hasn't it? You still make me laugh, you've never annoyed me, you're more gorgeous than you were back then, you understand me like no one else, you're my best friend, I'm never bored in your company, when odd things happen I call you first, when sad things happen I call you first, when funny things happen I call you first. I'd tell Sasha when I got home, if I remembered, but I always called you first.”

“Me too,” I said again. “The hardest thing about the last few weeks was not being able to speak to you.”

“Exactly. I've been in a bloody grump and I didn't even know why. It's because we weren't talking. I didn't realize why until that moment in the park. And then I realized just how pivotal you are in my life. Don't get me wrong, I've been happy with Sasha and I do love her, I do, but the person who makes me feel really great is you.”

Sasha. Sasha. This was bad for Sasha. I grimaced. “Where does she think you are?”

“She's in Germany, but I would have told her. I nearly rang her, but this is not the sort of thing you tell your wife over the phone in the middle of the night. Maybe we should tell her together.”

“God, no.”

“She should have someone to love her wholly. Not partially, as I've been doing.”

“You really love me? Seriously?”

He grinned. “Absolutely. And I want everyone to know.”

“She's going to hate us.”

“This has only just happened to me. I can look her in the eye and tell her I have not, and I would not, cheat on her. I've thought about it, as you know, but I've never acted on it. It even makes sense to me now why I sometimes had a wandering eye. I didn't love Sasha enough, but I didn't realize. She de
serves better and she'll find someone like that.” He clicked his fingers.

“Probably. She's an amazing woman.”

“I think she'll be fine.”

“Really?”

“Really?”

“I can't look her in the eye and tell her this just happened to me. I was happy for you both, I was, but I was jealous.”

“I probably would have been too. I hated James Kent, married or not. But you didn't meet anyone, so I've never had to live without you. You've always been there. I didn't mind the flings, because I always knew they weren't going anywhere. You made that abundantly clear, so I guess I've always thought of you as mine anyway, not consciously, you understand, but…” He took my face in his hands. “I just love you,” he laughed. “I know this is the worst possible time in the world to be ecstatic; Cora is ill and Helen…” He couldn't finish his sentence. Nor could I. “But, I am.” He laughed again. I started laughing too. “It's ridiculous. I had to come and tell you. I was lying in bed, unable to sleep, thinking, I love her. I love her. I love Tessa King.” He pulled me towards him and kissed me gently on the lips, then sat back. “And I do.”

I smiled again. “Do you have any idea how long I've been imagining this?”

“Tell me.”

“First I thought you'd follow me to Vietnam.”

“I was in traction, you fool, but I thought about it.”

“Why didn't you say anything when we got back?”

“You went weird on me,” said Ben.

“You went weird on me!”

“I thought it was all in my head.”

“I thought it was all in mine,” I said.

Ben kissed me on the forehead.

I frowned. “You let me go off to university without so much—”

“Tessa, all you talked about was how excited you were, what fun you were going to have.”

“I was trying to tell you that it was OK that you didn't like me that way, I'd get over it.”

“God, women are strange—why didn't you just tell me?”

“Why didn't you ask?”

“I did. You left the passageway. Not me. Next time I saw you was in the hospital, pretending nothing had happened.”

“You were with Mary.”

“I could hardly throw her out of the hospital room, and anyway, you weren't giving me cause to and frankly I wanted someone to keep me company. You buggered off to Vietnam, remember?”

“I missed you so much; I banged on to Helen all about it.”

“Helen?”

“Yes. She's the only one who knew, who's ever known.”

“God, we've been idiots,” he said again, reaching out for my hand. “And the sooner we put that right the better.”

“What are we going to do?”

We? We? I'd never been a we before.

“Get married and have a host of children, obviously.”

“I didn't think you wanted children.”

“But you do. So bring it on. I don't care. It'll be fun. Let's just have lots and lots of fun together.”

“Nothing happens between us, until Sasha knows.”

“Nothing. I've waited twenty years to get you into bed, I think I can wait another day.”

“Day?”

“Sasha is home tomorrow.”

I thought I heard a faint pop. Was it my imagination or did our bubble just burst?

“Tomorrow? Wow.”

“What are we waiting for? Helen and Neil were wiped out in a car crash. I mean, what the fuck are we waiting for?”

Neil and Helen. Bobby and Tommy. Ben and Tessa. Ben and Tessa plus Bobby and Tommy. Equals. Happy. Family.

We woke later that morning on my bed, fully clothed, spooned together. It was the best night's sleep I'd had in days. My back was pressed against Ben's wide, warm torso, my legs were imprinted alongside his. My eyes opened and I stared out at a whole new world. Ben loved me. Wanted to marry me. Wanted to have children with me. Ben wanted to tell Sasha. Today. I tensed.

“What's up, beautiful?”

I eased myself over to face him. “About telling Sasha?”

“Hmm?”

“Please don't do it today.”

Ben propped himself up on his elbow. “Why not?”

“I know this may sound very selfish, but I've got to sort the twins out, and there's the bloody funeral, which Helen didn't even want, she wanted to be scattered on a beach. Cora's still in hospital…”

He stroked my hair. “I get it. Too much going on for our bombshell.”

“Sort of.”

“Your friends want you to be happy.”

“I know that, but there's a difference between being happy and dancing on someone's grave.”

“No cold feet, Tessa King. You're the bloody queen of cold feet.”

“No cold feet. God, no. I don't want to offend anyone more than we have to, that's all.”

“I don't think we'll offend anyone.”

“You underestimate how much people adore Sasha. If she takes this badly, so will they. There's no getting around it.”

“I don't think she'll take it badly.”

“Of course she will, Ben, she loves you.”

“But she's so independent. Honestly, there've been many times when I've felt surplus to requirements.”

“Let's hope you're right. In the meantime, please, not a word until the funeral is over.”

“I promise, but it's going to be hard. I feel like a teenager.”

“You look like one.”

“So do you.”

“Liar,” I said.

“It's true. You're divine.” He ran the back of his hand down my cheek.

“Me? You're the one with the ridiculous eyelashes. Boys shouldn't have eyelashes like that, it's not fair.”

And so it went on for another nauseating hour. Knee to knee. Nose to nose. Fingertip to fingertip. Flattering, cajoling, teasing, loving. How we didn't end up ripping off each other's clothes, I'll never know. But we didn't. I can be proud of that, at least.

Ben was right, it was near impossible to keep the jaunt out of my step. We allowed ourselves the pleasure of holding hands until the lift doors opened, and then, like any other illicit couple, our hands dropped away, and our normal roles took over. We walked to Sloane Square, talking incessantly about our imaginary future—where we'd live, when we'd get married, what my parents would say, what his mad mother would say, what Claudia and Al would say—and arrived there in a nanosecond. I let three buses go on up the King's Road without me because I didn't want to leave him. When I did finally get on one, Ben got on too. It was pathetic. I was delighted. Halfway up the road, his mobile rang. It was Sasha. I felt like I'd swallowed the bus whole.

“Hi, Sasha.”

“Hello, listen, really sorry, but they want me to fly on to Düsseldorf tonight. I know I promised that I'd cut down on this—”

“Don't worry.”

“Thanks, hon. Listen, call Tessa. She'll need cheering up.” I grimaced. Ben shrugged.

“OK, babe.”

Babe…I didn't like the babe much.

“I'll see you tomorrow.”

Ben put the phone back in his pocket and looked at me.

“I feel sick,” I said.

“That bit is going to be difficult, but once she knows, it'll be easy.”

It felt worse than difficult. It felt downright treacherous.

“Look on the bright side—at least I can come over again tonight,” he said.

“Not tonight. I have to go back to Helen's house.”

“Really?”

No, not really, but I didn't think we'd be able to resist one another much longer. We were almost always touching. Leg, face, cheek, hand…But it wasn't enough. I didn't want difficult to become ugly.

“We'll speak,” I said, getting ready to leave the bus.

Ben grabbed my arm. “Don't go. Can't you go to the hospital later?”

I looked at his large hand wrapped around my slim forearm. It looked so good there but I could feel the callus on the palm of his hand, just below his wedding ring, brush my soft skin.

“I have to go. I haven't had a moment to visit since our stupid argument. And I need to see Cora.”

“But you said everything was OK with you and Billy.”

It was. We'd been playing telephone tag since our brief conversation and the messages were kind and supportive on both sides, but that didn't mean I no longer owed her an apology. We both knew that Helen's death had kicked our fight into touch, but I wanted her to know that I didn't think I'd got away with it.

“No, Ben,” I said, more emphatically. “I've got to go.” I pressed the button on the pole and heard it ping up near the driver's ear.

“Can't I come with you?”

And make Billy and Cora complicit? “No,” I said, kissed him on the end of his nose, and stepped off the bus.

“Hey, where am I going?” he called after me.

“Work?”

“Shit, work…I'd forgotten about work.”

The doors closed. Daydreams are powerful things. I should know.

I walked from the King's Road to the Fulham Road, oscillating between utterly overjoyed and completely dejected. I had to steady myself as I approached the hospital. Jaunty wasn't how I should be approaching this visit. I went up in the lift. I pressed the buzzer of the ward, my speech prepared, but I didn't have to get past my name, I was buzzed in. The woman behind the reception desk smiled at me and pointed me in the right direction. I was so relieved to see Cora propped up in bed and not surrounded by tubes in intensive care, as I had imagined, that for a split second I forgot all about Helen's death and just rushed to her bedside. Billy stood up, and after letting me smother her daughter in hugs, held her arms open to me.

“I can't believe you're here. Fran told me you've been looking after the twins, is that true? Have you brought them? Are you OK?”

“I just wanted to come and say sorry,” I mumbled over her shoulder. “To your face.”

She looked at me then turned to Cora. “What do you say to Tessa and I going out and getting something good to eat?”

“In other words, you want to talk about things I'm not allowed to hear,” said Cora.

“No,” said Billy. “Well, OK, yes, but we'll get something good to eat too.”

“You could stay, I can't hear anyway.”

“What?” I asked.

“She can, it's just—”

“My androids,” said Cora proudly.

Billy looked at me and forced a look of concern on to her face. “Cora has something wrong with her adenoids, her hearing is a bit impaired.”

“From the pneumonia?”

“Actually, no; they only found out because of all the tests they were doing. It explains the head in the clouds, but not the hearing, since I'm pretty sure that's always been selective.”

Cora opened her mouth in protest.

“Doughnut?” Billy asked her daughter.

Cora nodded happily.

“We'll be back in five.”

As soon as we were out in the corridor Billy turned to me. “I haven't told her about Helen.”

I clenched my jaw shut and nodded. The moment had passed. Cora was well, but Helen was still dead.

“I'm so sorry, Tessa.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. It was me, I don't know what I was thinking. I had no right to storm in like that.”

Billy looked at me. “I know how frustrating it is when you see someone you love missing out on life.”

“Especially since it is so precious,” I said, agreeing with her.

“Ever since Ben called me and told me that Helen was in the crash too, I've been thinking about Christoph, me and Cora, what you said.”

“Me too, and—”

“Let me finish,” said Billy.

“Sorry.”

“Christoph doesn't deserve her, or me, for that matter. I've embarrassed myself enough. It's over. I honestly thought I'd lose her, Tessa; she went so floppy and white, her lips were grey and everyone was running around shouting things. Look.” She pointed to her long, dark hair. She didn't need to show me, I'd seen the new streaks of grey. She looked ten years older.

“I'll live with the memory of that moment for the rest of my life. I should have seen it sooner, it shouldn't have taken something like this to make me realize what was important.”

I knew exactly how she felt. I took Billy's arm and squeezed it. “I think we've both been coasting a bit.”

Billy looked at me. “Putting on the brakes, you mean.”

I nodded, agreeing with her again. Well, I was certainly taking my hands off the brakes now.

We passed another ward. Sick children lay in rows. We averted our eyes. “I would have disemboweled myself if I'd thought it would have helped Cora,” said Billy. “And the pain wouldn't have compared one iota to what I felt, still feel, still fear.”

There was a bench in the corridor. We both sat down, and Billy held my hand. We sat in silence for a while, the noise of the hospital drifting past
us. “Christoph doesn't love her. If he did, he'd be here. I've done some very stupid things over the last few years, but he didn't even bother to call…I can't believe Helen could just be killed like that. Who knows what's round the corner?”

Suddenly Billy squeezed my hand then released it. “I've made a decision,” she said. “When this is all over, you have my full permission to get what we deserve from Christoph. No more. But no less.” She looked at me sideways. “I'm not settling for less any more. Life is too goddamn precious.”

For a moment I was torn between doing the right thing by Sasha and spilling my guts about Ben. He loved me. We were going to get married and have a host of children and none of them would ever have to worry about me again. I wasn't settling any more either. I must have smiled a fraction.

“What?” asked Billy.

“I'm just very pleased that something good has come out of Cora being unwell. You'll be rewarded, I know it.”

Billy shrugged. “This isn't about meeting someone else, Tessa. I'm fine on my own, actually. I feel lucky because I have Cora and she's a very special little thing. I need to re-engage with life, not men. If I meet someone, fine. But, you know, they usually bring a fair amount of complications with them and, to be honest, I'm not actually sure it's worth it. I've always wanted to learn the piano. I think I'll start with that.” She looked at me again, more closely. “What about you? Are you going to keep the twins?”

Wow, that was direct. “Um…”

“Being a single mother isn't easy, but you'd never regret it.”

Disembowelment? Are you sure? “Right now I can't see beyond the funeral.”

“Well, we'll be there for you, whatever you decide to do, OK? Me, Fran, Ben. You have a great network of friends. Use us.”

A network I was about to blow apart.

“Thanks, Billy.”

“You are an amazing person, I hope you know that.” Billy turned her body towards me so that I couldn't look away. “That's why people flock to you.”

“Thanks,” I said, trying to sound humble.

“I'm ashamed about what I said to you in that restaurant because deep down I know that the last seven years wouldn't have been bearable without
you.” I shifted, embarrassed. Billy grabbed both my hands. “No, I mean it. You had every right to shout at me. The truth is, you've been more of a parent to Cora than Christoph ever has and I know we are lucky to have you. The twins will be lucky too.”

I expected to experience a sense of victory, but I didn't. I felt ashamed. Who was this great friend, this person to whom people flocked? Not a marriage-wrecker. Not a stealer of other people's husbands. Were friendships unconditional? I wasn't sure. I think you earned them, that's why they were so valuable. I looked at my feet.

“One day you'll learn to take a compliment,” said Billy, misunderstanding my awkwardness. “But for now, why don't you go and sit with your goddaughter, and I'll get the doughnuts.”

“I'd like that,” I said, and walked straight back into my safety zone.

Cora was lying back against the pillows, looking a little less perky, and for a moment I stopped in my tracks, but she lifted herself up when she saw me and smiled.

“How are you feeling?”

“What?”

“How are you feeling?”

Cora roared with laughter. “Got you.”

“You minx.”

“I'm learning sign language,” said Cora.

“Really?”

“What's this?” She crossed her arms in front of her like a Russian dancer, raised the top fingers to make horns and wiggled her fingers on the bottom hand.

“Absolutely no idea,” I said.

“Bullshit!”

I laughed.

“One of the nurses told me that.”

I sat on Cora's bed. There were flowers all over the room, and books and teddy bears. Word had got out. Cora had been inundated with gifts. I picked up a Paddington Bear. “To Cora, with love Ben and Sasha.” I put it down quickly.

“Do you want a cupcake?”

“No, thank you. You had us scared there, honey.”

“Sorry.”

“I'm not blaming you, bunny, but please, don't do that again.”

“OK.”

“How's the hearing, really?”

“If I put my hand over my good ear it sounds like I'm in the swimming pool. Now when my teacher says, ‘Cora TarreNOT'—she always says the ‘t'—‘you're not listening,' I'll have a brilliant excuse.” It didn't matter what you threw at this girl. She impressed me no end. “I get tired very quickly. My chest hurts. I thought I was wide awake a minute ago, but now I'm sleepy.”