The Girl Who Wrote Erotica, Book One: The Method (Contemporary Romance) (8 page)

Chapter Six: The Question
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I awoke almost having forgotten I’d had an overnight guest, until the smells of coffee, bacon, and biscuits wafted into the bedroom. I got up quickly, wrapped in my robe, and headed to the kitchen, finding Jamie standing over the counter with his back facing me.

He stood there, bare-chested, wearing his jeans slung low on his hips, preparing plates for the two of us. When he heard me approach, he smiled at me over his shoulder. “Good morning.”

I yawned and sat down on a barstool. “Impressive,” I said, and I meant it. “What made you do all this?”

He shrugged. “It’s just something I like to do. It’s not just for you,” he added, winking. “I’d be doing the same thing at home alone. I eat oatmeal and yogurt six days a week. Sundays are reserved for indulgence. But I’ve got to tell you, you’ve got like
nothing
to eat around here. I made a quick trip to the supermarket… hope you don’t mind.”

I laughed lightly as he handed me a cup of coffee. “Well, I honestly appreciate it. I probably would have headed to the coffee shop or heated up leftovers from last night.” It was a strange feeling, having a man in my kitchen, and while it seemed okay with Jamie this time, I had an uneasy feeling that I would never be comfortable with something like this on a permanent basis.

But for now, I would put all those feeling aside, and try to just enjoy his company. This still counted as research for my next book… right?

Luckily, Jamie seemed to harbor no ill will or strange feeling from last night, and again we settled into an easy, fun conversation with no awkwardness to be found.  He left quickly after breakfast, after helping me with the dishes – and to my surprise, I felt the slightest twinge when he stood there at the doorway.

“Well,” he said, standing there smiling at me, “I’ll see you when I see you, Natasha.” I knew he was teasing.

“Hey,” I said. “I’ll call you, OK? Just maybe not for a couple of days. I need to keep my distance, remember?”

He shook his head, but was still smiling. He reached his arms up to the top of the doorway, leaning in close to my face and looking into my eyes.
Had his eyes always been so blue?

“Whatever you say, Tasha.” Another quick peck, a quick smile, and he was gone. I watched him walk down the driveway for just a brief moment, and then quickly closed the door before I could call after him. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to him, but right now, I didn’t trust myself at all.

Wow,
I said to myself, shaking my head in wonderment.

I needed some time to process all that had just happened – and I didn’t feel I could do it alone. I immediately called Sam and told her to meet me at the coffee shop.

“What’s the matter?” she asked. “Still got your writer’s block?”

I had to laugh. “No, that’s all taken care of – but now I’ve got something else on my mind.”

It wasn’t so much that I felt weird about having this sort of fling with Jamie and agreeing of my own accord to play out this scenario to the end. No, the weirdness
I was feeling came from the fact that I didn’t seem to buck against it now. It came from the idea that I was comfortable with this decision. I could feel my resistance wearing away, ever so slightly.

Where had the old Natasha gone, the woman I knew so well – and who had she left in her place?

I still felt out of character as I entered the coffee shop and walked up to the table where Sam was already seated, motioning me to sit down beside her. She’d already ordered my drink.

“So, tell me what you did to break out of the writer’s block,” she said, by way of greeting. “Tell me everything.”

I smiled. “Good morning to you as well, Sam,” I said with a laugh. “Well… okay, I’ll just start from the beginning. Last night I decided to do some more research – you know, to get some more material for the story.”

She raised an eyebrow. “So you met another guy yesterday after I left? What, are you going the threesome route now?”

I laughed, but my smile faded quickly after that. “No, I didn’t meet anyone new. I decided to try a new perspective on things… so I called Jamie.” The shock on her face showed how well she knew me. “I know, I know, it’s totally out of character. But I don’t plan to make this any sort of relationship, trust me.” I was babbling now, but I couldn’t stop. “I just thought I could carry on a short fling like my characters do. You know, to see what it’s really like. And since I have Jamie on call most recently, he was the right choice. It’s fine, it’s nothing. It’s nothing.”

Sam shook her head. “Are you trying to convince
me
of that, or to convince yourself?”

I shook my head slowly. “I just… I don’t know, Sam.”

She took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes. “I think this will be good for you, Tasha. You may not be the type to settle down, but I don’t think you’re as wild as you try to be.”

Her words stung a bit, even thought she hadn’t meant them to. I considered her remark for a moment. Was that really the problem? Was I just too scared to try anything more than a one-night stand?

For the moment, I shook it off. “Either way, I’m only in this for a short time. I’m actually going on vacation in two weeks, and I’ll say my goodbyes to Jamie when I head out.” She looked skeptical, and I squared my shoulders. “I mean it, Sam. I can already tell you, after actually allowing him to spend the night – to cook breakfast in my kitchen, of all things – I don’t feel anything, and that’s not going to change.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said. “If that’s true, then why did you call me here?”

I waved her off. “I don’t want a relationship,” I insisted. “I just want good sex that I can turn into incredible erotica that sells. That’s it. I’ve been hurt before, okay? And hurt bad enough to know that I don’t want it to happen again.”

“Is that what this is about? Is that why you turned to this lifestyle?” Sam sat back in her chair, clearly stunned. “Look, Tasha, life is about hurt. That’s how we experience growth: through pain, and loss, and sorrow. We learn a lot through those things – about ourselves, about who we are. Life is a process. You can’t just skip out on the hard parts.”

She sounded so wise, and I hated her for it. She was so much younger than me; how could she preach to me about love and loss? How could she tell me what was best for me, and about what I needed in order to grow? This was why I had so few friends. Too many people thought they knew better than you and tried to control you. Angrily, I stood and grabbed my purse and my coffee.

“I can see we have a difference of opinion. Listen, Sam, I’m not about to sit here and listen to love life advice from someone so much younger than me, who can’t even figure out her own sexuality.”

She ignored my insult, as misguided as it was. “Tasha, don’t.” She reached out as if to stop me, but didn’t touch me. I stood there and waited, wondering what she was going to say, seething inside, but wanting to be soothed.

We stared at each other for a long moment, but she seemed to be unable to find the right words. “I just… worry about you,” she said finally. “You’ve been really moody lately, and I can’t figure out what’s going on with you.”

I rolled my eyes. “You think I have an answer? Look, that’s part of why I’m going on vacation. I need to get away from everything, including the writing. I just… I need to step away.”

She nodded. “I get it. But Tasha, do yourself a favor. Don’t waste this time with Jamie. Learn from it; don’t push him away, even if it scares you. And then, while you’re ‘stepping away from it all,’ you can take the time to evaluate all this from a distance.” Her voice got softer now, and her tone became gentler as she spoke. “Maybe the reason you’re finding yourself jaded is because you don’t belong in this lifestyle. Maybe, somewhere deep down inside, you’re discontent because you want to settle down. You just have to work out what you want, and find the courage to open your heart to it. Because if you don’t…”

She trailed off, and I took the opportunity to put up a hand, stopping her from going on any longer. “Look, I’ll think about it. And I appreciate your advice, I do. But I just can’t think about this any more right now. I’ll see you later, Sam.”

I left the coffee shop, ripples of adrenaline and confusion surging through me. As I pushed through the doorway, a guy tried to say hello to me – but I scarcely registered his voice as I hurried past him out to the car. For some reason I couldn’t name, I felt a hot pressure behind my eyes, as if tears were in danger of falling if I weren’t careful.

As soon as I started the car and drove away from the coffee shop, I began to feel better. It felt good to get away from everything, even if I thought I’d pissed off Sam. I didn’t know why I was so much better at pushing people away than I was at keeping them close.

Calming down on the drive home, I knew that I was changing, and I resigned myself to the knowledge that I had a lot of self-exploration to do. I didn’t know if I’d find the answer – whether with Jamie, or on vacation, or however it may come – but there was a definite need to search. I saw that now, and I had to believe I’d be okay with it. Despite all my struggling, I was finally making my peace with the need to look for the answers outside my comfort zone.

But still, some nagging feeling told me that I’d better tread carefully – because at the rate I was going, who knew where I’d end up…

*To Be Continued
*

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–
Angela

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Look for Book Two of
THE GIRL WHO WROTE EROTICA,
coming this fall!

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Copyright 2013 by Angela Jordan. All rights reserved.

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