The Gates (2009) (28 page)

My beard turns up to heaven; my nape falls in
Fixed on my spine: my breastbone visibly
Grows like a harp: a rich embroidery
Bedews my face from brush drips, thick and thin …

And so it goes on for a few more verses, which can be summarized basically as “Owww …”

17.
The Divine Comedy
is not funny, but it’s not supposed to be, despite its name. In Dante’s time, a comedy meant a work that reflected a belief in an ordered universe. Also, serious books were written in Latin, and Dante wrote in a new language: Italian. Some of Shakespeare’s comedies
are
funny, though, but not if you’re being forced to study them in school. In school, everything Shakespeare wrote starts to seem like a tragedy, even the ones that aren’t tragedies, which is a bit unfortunate, but that’s just because of the way they’re taught. Stick with them. In later life, people will be impressed that you can quote Shakespeare, and you will sound very intelligent. It’s harder to quote trigonometry, or quadratic equations, and not half as romantic.

18.
Adults say lots of things that they don’t quite mean, usually just to be polite, which is no bad thing. They also say things that are exactly the opposite of what they appear to mean, such as:

1. “To be perfectly honest … ,” which means, “I am lying through my teeth.”

2. “I hear what you’re saying … ,” which means, “I hear it, but I’m not really listening, and I don’t agree with you anyway.”

and

3. “I don’t mean to be rude … ,” which means, “I mean to be rude.”

There are some people who use phrases like this more often than anyone else, and who become very good at using them to avoid answering questions or telling the entire truth. These people are known as “politicians.”

19.
“Nefarious” means very wicked indeed, in a cunning way. If you plan on being nefarious, it pays to look the part: dress in black; wear a hat, preferably one with a wide brim and no flowers; and perhaps grow a mustache that you can twirl. It also helps to have a deep and sinister laugh, to indicate when you’re being nefarious. You know the kind: “BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!” That kind.

20.
If that sounds confusing, it isn’t really. The equivalent effect can be found on Earth, such as when you haven’t studied for a test in school and, the more you want that test to be put off, the faster the time for the test seems to arrive. The same is true for painful dental appointments, visiting that aunt you don’t like at Christmas, and waiting for your mum to come home while you try to stick back together her favorite vase that you’ve just broken. The opposite occurs for events to which you’re rather looking forward, like Christmas, your birthday, or the first snows of winter. Someday, a very bright child will create an equation for all this in order to explain it, and other, even brighter, children will look at him in a funny way and wonder why he bothered, since everyone instinctively understood it anyway.

21.
There are lots of people throughout history with the word “the” somewhere in their names. Some of these people were rather pleasant, such as Richard the Lionheart (1157-1199
A.D.
), the English king (even if he didn’t speak much English, oddly enough, although he was very good at French) who commanded an army by the age of sixteen, fought in the Crusades, and forgave the young boy who shot the arrow that fatally wounded him; and Alfred the Great (849-899
A.D.
) who defended his Saxon kingdom of Wessex against the Danish invaders and was, well, great.

On the other hand, there were some people with “the” in their names who were very unpleasant indeed. Vlad the Impaler (1431-1476
A.D.
) of Wallachia, who was also known as Dracula and inspired the name of the famous vampire, liked to stick his enemies on big spikes. Ivan the Terrible of Russia (1530-1584
A.D.
) was a tyrant and a bully who died while playing chess. It wasn’t the excitement of the game, though: he was probably poisoned with mercury. Finally, certain historial figures with “the” in their names were just a bit lame. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Heneage the Dismal (1621-1682
A.D.
); Hugh the Dull (1294-1342
A.D.
); Charles the Silly (died 755
A.D.
); and Wenceslas the Worthless (1361-1419
A.D.
), who once cooked a chef alive for serving a bad ragout.

22.
It is generally agreed that there are three orders of demons. A book named
Le Dragon Rouge (The Red Dragon),
possibly written in the sixteenth century classified the demons of hell in three tiers, from officers to generals. Books like
Le Dragon Rouge
are known as “grimoires,” and to have power they must be written in red ink and, some say, bound in human skin, which means that they probably won’t be stocked by your local bookstore.

23.
Mrs. Abernathy did not like the smell of Earth. Her demonic senses made her acutely sensitive to all pleasant scents, so that she was even aware that the Milky Way itself smelled bad to her. Actually, astronomers who were recently sifting through thousands of signals from Sagittarius B2, a big dust cloud at the center of our galaxy, found a substance there called ethyl formate, which is the chemical responsible for the flavor of raspberries, and the smell of rum, the drink popular with pirates. Therefore, our galaxy tastes a bit of raspberries and smells of rum, which is nice.

24.
Be wary of anything that is offered to you for nothing, especially if it is a new product that the makers are anxious to test. Usually, they will have discovered that the bunny rabbits, dogs, or iron-stomached employees who have already tried it have not died or gone blind as a result, and therefore it’s about time to try it on people who might, at some point, be expected to pay for it. Unless you’ve always wanted to be a human guinea pig, it might be wise to think twice before saying yes to something that a stranger hands to you with a smile, free of charge, especially if there is a doctor or a lawyer hovering nervously nearby.

25.
This is unlike the small towns in television detective shows, where so many people die that it’s a wonder there’s anyone left in the town to kill by the end of the first series. you’d imagine that some of the residents might wonder about this and think, “hmmm, our town appears to be populated entirely by murderers, or people who are about to be murdered, and since we’re not murderers then we must be potential victims. Marjorie, grab the kids and the dog. We’re going to live in new Zealand …”

26.
Actually, teleportation is not nearly as far-fetched as you might think. Scientists at the Joint Quantum Institute in Maryland recently managed to teleport the quantum identity of one atom to another a few feet away. However, teleportation of humans is a long way off, as the experiment only works once in every one hundred million attempts. Therefore the chances of you being teleported and arriving as interesting goo at the other end, if you arrive at all, are very high indeed. you don’t want to be the subject of the following conversation:

“Is he there yet?”

“Well, bits of him are …”