The Galilean Secret: A Novel (29 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

IT WAS THE BIGGEST DECISION GABRIEL WOULD EVER MAKE. He stood behind the counter of his market pondering it, and he wondered if everyone in Jerusalem had waited until the Thursday before Passover to shop. He feared the walls would burst if another customer entered. He was tired of the shuffling feet and anxious faces, of the shrill voices and pungent odors of horseradish, dates and apples. His feet ached; he was hoarse from bargaining; his ears were ringing; and he was staring at depleted shelves.

Still, with profits so healthy, how could he complain? Sundown would bring quiet; he would rest then. For now, he needed to meet the expectations that had won him both neighbors and foreigners as customers. He turned the cashbox over to the bald and portly Caleb ben Thassi, a helper he had hired to get him through the holiday, and he went to the storage room to check the supplies.

Gabriel knew he couldn’t make this decision just once. It would have to be made repeatedly over days and weeks, even years, because his decision didn’t concern his business or his money. It wasn’t about his health or even his Jewish faith—it was about his heart.

He scanned the long shelves that lined the walls of the boxlike room, but couldn’t focus on the jars of wine or the bundles of bitter herbs and onions or any of the other seder essentials. The mixed smells of onion, herb and grain vied for his attention, but all he could think of were Judith and Dismas, and whether he should forgive them.

He began to load seder supplies onto his wooden pushcart, his heart tender. Talking with Nicodemus had helped him understand why Judith and Dismas betrayed him, but how could he get over the pain? He had considered asking Nathan and Gideon, Judith’s father and brother, to go with him to Zedekiah’s Cave to search for her and Dismas. But since Jesus had come to Jerusalem, the city was on edge, and to go to the Zealots’ hiding place—with Pilate crucifying every Zealot his soldiers caught—would be foolhardy.

If only Gabriel had prevented Jesus from coming to Jerusalem! He had tried, but the Nazarene wouldn’t listen, and now Gabriel feared what would happen. His customers had mentioned how Jesus had been teaching in the Temple and stirring up controversy. If Gabriel had never met him, he wouldn’t have believed that a Galilean carpenter could cause such trouble, but since he had seen Jesus’ power to heal and win people’s hearts, he did believe.

Gabriel continued to load his wares and thought about the meaning of Passover—freedom. Despite his being in a quandary about forgiveness, he knew that his heart was free. The letter had helped him to understand sexual attraction—how it involved more than one’s body or feelings. Now he understood the spiritual nature of falling in love.

His longing for Judith was no less powerful than Adam and Eve’s yearning for each other. Like them, he had hoped that sexual union would heal the alienation in his soul, and he had become obsessed with Judith.

But now he knew that his was really a search for the female in himself and in the image of God. He thought quickly of Judas Iscariot, who was obsessed with Mary Magdalene and would know nothing but suffering until he found healing. Judas had not only resisted this healing but was also hostile to it, becoming a danger to himself and others.

Gabriel took the supplies to the main room of the market and began to help Caleb with the customers. A tall man with a Roman nose bought flour. The man looked like a foreigner. Gabriel liked them best because they knew nothing of the shame of his wedding day. He asked about their jobs and homes and families, and answered their questions about his, without fear of humiliation. It was harder to encounter old friends or familiar customers. None of them inquired about Judith, but the pity in their eyes was crushing. He discussed their purchases, and he constantly directed the conversation to the weather, to Temple politics—anything to divert attention from him. He had begun restocking shelves when he caught a glimpse of a white-haired man in a long robe.

Nicodemus
.

Gabriel noticed a scroll in his hand and hoped it was the letter. Nicodemus approached and held out the scroll. “Mysterious things have happened to this letter since we last spoke. Where can we talk?”

Gabriel led him to the storage room, dizzy with anticipation. Mysterious things? What on earth did Nicodemus mean?

The old Pharisee began to speak. “I have news about Judith and Dismas. The Zealots were desperate to raise money, so they robbed my home. Along with jewelry and other valuables, they stole the box in which I hid the letter.”

Gabriel gasped. He knew his brother was aware of Nicodemus’ wealth, but he never imagined that Dismas would rob a member of the Sanhedrin. He must have considered the Pharisee’s home an easy target. “Now my brother has turned Judith into a thief as well as an adulteress. How could he be so callous?”

Nicodemus clapped a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder to steady him. “The news I have is not all bad. Judith read the letter and was so moved that she left Dismas and returned the scroll to me.”

Gabriel’s mind was reeling. “Did you confront her with her crimes?” His voice shook with emotion. “Did you tell her how loathsome she has become?”

“I was tempted to, but she explained that the letter had convinced her to become a follower of Jesus, and she begged my forgiveness. I forgave her since she seemed sincere, and I was overjoyed to have the letter back. I introduced her to Mary Magdalene and some of the other women disciples. She promised to tell Mary what she had done.”

Gabriel stared at the old man, head spinning. “Where is she?”

Nicodemus stepped back, holding the scroll with both hands. “I took her to the home of a friend, where Jesus will celebrate Passover tonight. Before you give up on her, you must read the letter yourself.” Nicodemus held out the scroll. “Please take it. The letter will help you decide what to do.”

Gabriel hesitated a moment. He wasn’t willing to forgive as easily as Nicodemus had. Before Judith stole the letter, she had stolen his happiness, and he didn’t have much hope of getting that back. Anger smoldered in his gut as he tried to forgive. Out of respect for the wisdom of the letter and because he wanted to read it himself, he took the scroll.

“I will return tomorrow,” Nicodemus said, leaving as quickly as he had arrived.

Gabriel sat on a sack of wheat and breathed in the scent of nutmeg and cardamom. He unfurled the letter that had brought him so much healing and began to read.

As Nicodemus had said, the letter described the deepest essence of love—that this essence is the secret of life for each human soul, relationship and community, and that the essence comes from God’s love for the world and for each person. The letter emphasized that to know this love and to make it known are the only paths to happiness. Gabriel’s eyes took in each word, moving slowly from line to line. After a few paragraphs, he understood why the letter had touched Nicodemus so deeply. It contained insights from beyond this world, insights about the eternal kingdom that Jesus came to reveal. The Nazarene’s discussion of love and relationships, prayer, spiritual knowledge, healing for men and women, liberation for the poor and oppressed, the kingdom of God, and peace on earth challenged Gabriel’s thinking and softened his heart.

Unconsciously he began to pace. According to the letter, learning to forgive is part of loving as Jesus does. Holding on to hurt only makes one bitter and miserable. Forgiveness is the way out of the misery. Gabriel shook his head. Before he began reading, he wasn’t ready to forgive; now he knew he wouldn’t heal fully until he did.

The letter emphasized that the male and the female are one in Jesus. This union means that God’s kingdom is near, manifested in healing, creativity and joy. Gabriel couldn’t have made this discovery on his own. Perhaps the letter’s teachings on forgiveness were equally true. But they would be hard to follow.

His pacing slowed as he became more and more entranced. Jesus of Nazareth claimed that the greatest love had come into the world through him. If Gabriel had never seen or heard him, he would have thought that such a boast was scandalous. But Gabriel had gazed into the Galilean’s eyes, sensed his serenity, witnessed his compassion and watched as he opened the eyes of the blind Bartimaeus.

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, struggling to understand what God’s love meant for him. The letter said that you experience this love by being born of the Spirit. Through this rebirth you find your true purpose, the deeper reason you are here. You begin to die to yourself and live for God. Such self-denial means putting God’s dreams above your own, which feels like a loss of control. But the letter promised that God’s dreams for you far exceed any you have for yourself. By losing your life to God, you gain it back, fuller and richer than before, since those who want to save their lives will lose them, and those who lose their lives for Jesus’ sake will find them.

Gabriel sat down, gripped by the power of these words. Becoming successful and polishing his reputation had required all his energy. Still, he often felt empty and wondered if there wasn’t more to life than work. In the letter Jesus said that being born anew can be dramatic and life-changing, or it can happen gradually, in a quieter but equally powerful way. You can receive this birth over and over, not just once. Life presents constant challenges. But even the darkest despair has lessons to teach if you keep your heart open and touch the depths of God.

Gabriel’s mind raced with questions.
Is my heart open? Am I interested in spiritual matters?
Do I know even the first thing about happiness?
As he kept reading, the letter provided more and more answers. It said that you must explore the depths in yourself. As you discover the truth about who you are, and who God is, you will be free. This freedom comes at the price of courage. Confronting your inner darkness can be terrifying because it reveals your selfishness, pride and violence. You must bear the pain of knowing yourself because, if you do not, your life will be based on illusions, and you will fall victim to your hidden needs, wounds and desires. It is not what goes into a person that destroys the soul but what comes out. For it is from within, from the human heart, that evil intentions come.

Gabriel closed his eyes.
Do I have evil intentions? What are my true desires?
He read on. The letter affirmed that the better you know yourself, the wiser your choices will ultimately be. You will discover your light as a person created in the image of God. If your whole body is full of light, with no part of it in darkness, you will be like a lamp that gives light to the world. Knowing the truth about yourself will make you question the world’s values when they clash with your own. Rather than wear a mask or follow the crowd, you will honor the person you really are, even if it makes you unpopular. And you will find the wealth of your life, for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Gabriel unrolled the scroll farther. Jesus discussed the particular torment caused by sexual sins. Whether the torment was private shame or public humiliation, Jesus said that he shared the pain, for sexuality is a great mystery, and even he struggled with it in his relationship with Mary Magdalene. He revealed the nature of that relationship and how much he learned from it. Based on his own experience, he taught that sexuality should be handled with gentleness and humility. To do otherwise, to shame people or treat them as outcasts is to sin against the God in whose image they were created.

Gabriel stared at the shelves of the storage room without really seeing them. He had been condemning Judith and Dismas, even wishing for revenge. But his attitude had been very wrong. Instead of seeking vengeance, he was to seek forgiveness. He was to think of them not as evil but as weak, as people like all others—in need of the marvelous, underserved grace that Jesus described in the letter and shared through his life. Nicodemus was right: love meant wanting the best for another person, and Gabriel knew that he still loved Judith.

Tears burned the backs of his eyes as he recalled the scene with the prostitute at the home of Simon the Pharisee. Though she was attractive in a sensual, provocative way, she sat with her shoulders slumped, her eyes downcast and her expression forlorn. But when she heard Jesus speak, her demeanor had changed, and when she anointed him, her face radiated joy. Others condemned her, but Jesus showed her compassion and offered her forgiveness.

Gabriel set down the letter and stood up. Crossing his arms over his chest, he leaned back, stretched and stared at the ceiling of rough stone. Unexpected warmth ran down his spine. Slowly at first and then uncontrollably his body began to shake, and tears flowed from his eyes. He wiped at them with both hands and sat back down to calm himself. After picking up the letter, he reread the part about forgiveness being the highest expression of love and knew what he needed to do: he had to offer both Dismas and Judith the forgiveness that Jesus had offered the prostitute.

The letter promised that if Gabriel clung to his faith even through suffering, he would grow in this love. The past would no longer seem so powerful: he could leave it and begin again. He heard Jesus’ voice telling him to focus on today. Dwelling on the past cannot banish regrets or recapture lost happiness. Fretting about the future will not calm fears or make a single fantasy come true. The present—this very moment—is all you have, and it could be your last. You must seek the good in this moment, even though it is hard to find, and live fully and gratefully.