The Fragile Fall (35 page)

“Apology accepted. Can I go now?” She tried to be tough, but I saw her resolve wavering.

“I want you to talk to me, Ry.” I moved closer to her, putting a few fingers to her temple and running them down the side of her face. She closed her eyes and turned her face slightly, pressing closer to my hand. “I want to know what’s going on in there. I want to know what I can do to help you.” Reaching out, I took a lock of her hair and ran it between my fingers. “I understand that you’re hurting and I hate that it’s so bad you feel like you need to cut Jax and I out of your life, but it won’t help. Let me be there for you. You’ve been my strength, let me be yours.”

Her chin wobbled a few times before she composed herself. When she looked back up at me, her eyes were full of sadness. “There’s nothing you can do to help me. I’ve realized a few things and I’ve decided life would be easier alone.” She tilted her chin up, trying to appear strong, but I saw her facade crumbling.

“What have you realized?”

“That I’m disposable.” She brushed her hair out of her face. “My mom left me, my biological dad left me, and Jax’s dad wants nothing to do with me. I swear the only reason his dad keeps me around is so I can look after all the shit he doesn’t want to deal with. Jax will be going to college next fall and leaving me behind.” She looked to the side, trying to hide the tears that swam in her eyes. “And you’ll be going to college and you’ll forget about me.”

“I could never forget you, Ry. I love you.”

Anger flashed across her face, her tears gone. “I’m glad you feel something because I’m fucking numb.”

“Numb?” I challenged her to keep up her story, knowing if she were truly numb she wouldn’t be close to tears or angry.

“Yeah, as in I don’t feel anything. I don’t feel anything for Jax. Or you. Or anybody. I’m numb.”

“Just so I’m clear, you’re saying you no longer have feelings for me? At all?”

“I don’t.” Her eyes slid to the side, avoiding meeting my eyes. “It’s better this way. I can let you go before you have the chance to walk away and leave me alone.”

I inhaled deeply, studying her and trying to figure out what to do now. She was putting up a good front and I almost believed her.
Almost.
Her tears and anger gave her away, though. I decided to test her numbness.

Closing the distance between us, I pressed against her. Her eyes met mine and widened in surprise. She backed away from me as I got closer until she was pinned against the wall. I put my hand gently on her face and slid it down. Her lips parted and her tongue darted out to wet her bottom lip. She looked up at me through her lashes and her breathing quickened. I slid my hand over her chin and down her neck … her head fell slightly to the side, her eyes fluttered … I stopped my hand when it was over her heart so I could feel the rapid beats against my palm. I placed my other hand on her hip and pulled her closer. Her breath caught in her throat.

“Feel this? Feel how your heart is racing?” Her eyelids fluttered again, though she kept eye contact with me. I brought my face closer to her. “Feel how you’re reacting to me being close to you?” I brushed my lips over hers and traced her bottom lip with my tongue. “How your breathing is shallow and quick because you can’t quite catch your breath. Your pupils are dilated and your cheeks are flushed.” I ran my hand back up to her shoulder and down her arm. “Your eyelids flutter every time I touch you. You’re shuddering as my breath dances across your skin.” I leaned in closer until my lips brushed against her ear and I felt her tremble. “You aren’t numb. You feel everything when you’re with me. That’s why you’re running. You’re afraid to feel how good this is, how right.” I kissed under her ear and moved back so I could whisper in her ear. “I’m not letting you run from me, Ryanne. I love you too much to let you go.”

I moved back a little while still holding her. She was panting and her eyes were closed tight. “I’ll give you some time, but you aren’t giving up on us yet.”

She nodded her head once with her eyes still squeezed closed. As soon as I moved back, her body leaned toward me, seeking me out. I ran my fingers softly over her face and across her lips before I turned and headed to my car. I fought the urge to look back at her.

When I was in the car, I glanced at her. She was still pressed against the wall, but her eyes watched me with her hand held to her chest.

I turned around to back up and smiled to myself. I could tell by the way she was watching me that she felt something.

Yeah, right, she’s numb.

I’d give her another day or two before I stepped up my game, giving me a little bit of time to figure out what to do next.

Ryanne

M
Y
BACK
WAS
STILL
PRESSED
against the cold brick as I watched Will pull away. My legs wobbled and my heart raced, completely blindsided by how Will made me feel. I hadn’t expected him to chase after me. Somehow, I had convinced myself that he didn’t really love me and he wouldn’t fight for me.

He had just proved me wrong.

I tried to gather myself so I could go back inside and finish my shift, but I couldn’t get my body to stop trembling. I had done such a good job making myself numb that all the things I should have been feeling for three weeks crashed over me and pulled me under. I was still a little mad at Jax and Will for keeping things from me, but I understood why. They weren’t trying to intentionally hurt me, they were only trying to protect me. But even though I understood why they did it, it still hurt to know they had both been able to lie to me for so long.

Mostly, though, I missed them. I missed spending time with Jax and laughing at his stupid antics and jokes. I wondered how he was doing since I wasn’t home. Was he eating? Did he have clean clothes? I ended up lying awake at night, worrying about him. Though I knew all I had to do was pick up the phone and I could ease my mind, I was too stubborn. Instead, I tortured myself, wondering how he was doing.

Will occupied every thought I had that wasn’t wrapped around Jax. I hated that after a wonderful weekend, I had shoved him away and hurt him. As much as I tried to convince myself that he wasn’t hurting, I knew it killed him. I knew he loved me. I thought his usually timid personality would prevent him from coming after me. Never had I been so glad to be wrong.

When I finally collected myself, I went inside and tried to resume working. Unfortunately, my mind was so preoccupied that I kept messing up orders and forgetting to get people what they had asked for. We weren’t busy, so my manager let me go when she realized how distracted I was. I drove home in a daze, trying to figure out how to fix the giant mess I had made of my life. Realizing I didn’t even know where home was, I pulled over to the side of the road and sat there in the dark, trying to figure out what to do from here.

Did I go back to Courtney’s or did I go home to Jax and Will? Part of me wanted to stay with Courtney. I didn’t want to see Jax’s dad. All he represented was heartbreak and lies and abandonment. But Jax was there and I loved him. We were the only family we had and I couldn’t leave him because our family sucked.

I dug my phone out of my purse and plugged it into my car charger, waiting for it to turn on. When it finally charged enough to turn on, text after text showed up and a ton of voicemail notifications. I read the texts from Jax and Will. They both apologized over and over again and begged me to come home. Will told me he loved me. By the time I got to the end of the messages, tears streamed down my face. I pulled up my voicemails and listened, holding my hand to my mouth and crying.

They did love me.

Somehow, in the midst of my life dissolving into chaos, I had convinced myself that Jax and Will didn’t love me and that they’d be better off without me. I really did think I was disposable. Hadn’t everyone treated me like I was?

Everyone but Jax, Will, and Courtney.

I banged my head against my seat. I had messed up by pushing them away. I pulled up Courtney’s number and called her.

“Ry? Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m fine, I guess,” I said through tears. “I think I need to go home.”

She exhaled. “I think that is a great idea.”

“Thank you so much for everything you’ve done.”

“Honey, you know I love you. I would do anything for you. Do you want me to gather your stuff and you can pick it up?”

“Yeah, I’ll stop by and get it before heading home.”

“Okay. I’ll see you when you get here.”

“I love you, Court.”

“You, too, chick.”

We hung up and I smiled. I drove to her apartment. She met me outside and helped me load the garbage bags full of my stuff into my car. When everything was loaded, I crushed her to me in a hug, tears stinging my eyes again. “Thank you so much, Court.”

“Anytime.” She pulled away from me and smiled. “Now go home to your men.”

I laughed softly. “I guess I have a pretty big mess to fix, huh?”

“Yeah, it is a mess, but they are crazy about you. I’m pretty sure they’d forgive you for anything.”

“I hope you’re right.” I chewed my lip, nervous that Courtney was too optimistic.

“I know I’m right. Call me later and let me know how it goes?”

“Of course.” I hugged her again before I left. My hands shook as I drove home, worried about what Jax would do when he saw me. Would he be angry? Happy? How would I handle seeing Dan? I couldn’t figure out what to call him now.

I pulled in the driveway and looked at the house, sighing. After grabbing my bags from the trunk, I went into the house and went up to my room. It was dark, though music played softly. I dropped the bags on the floor and went to look for Jax, figuring it would be better to get it over with.

He was in his room, lying in the dark. “Jax?” I asked, softly, not wanting to wake him up if he was asleep.

He jumped off his bed as soon as he heard my voice. “Ry?” He rushed to me and hugged me. “I’m so fucking sorry, Ry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I know. It’s okay. I’m home now.” I patted his back as he clung to me.

“I was scared you weren’t going to come home. I feel like such a fucking baby.”

“You aren’t a baby.”

“Dad left hours after you left and I’ve been alone. I thought I had lost you and both parents and I didn’t know how to handle it.”

My heart twisted and anger surged in me. Leave it to his dad to leave as soon as things got uncomfortable. Jax had been here, alone, for three weeks. “You aren’t alone. I’m here now.”

“Good.” He backed away and I flicked on a light. I was shocked by what I saw. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circles under them. It looked like he hadn’t shaved in several days.

“Have you been eating or taking care of yourself at all?”

He shrugged. “It didn’t seem important.”

“For fuck’s sake, Jax. I didn’t think you’d be that upset.”

“You’re all I have, Ry. I don’t have parents. I don’t have aunts or uncles or grandparents or cousins. You are it. When I thought I had lost you, it all seemed pointless.” His voice was thick with emotion.

“I’m sorry I worried you.”

“Just don’t do it again.”

“Deal. How about I fix you something to eat?”

“Sounds fucking awesome.”

I linked my arm with Jax’s and went down to the kitchen.

All day, I had been pacing my room, trying to think of how to apologize and fix things with Will. I decided a text would be a good way to start it.

Ryanne: Can I come over?

He responded right away.

Will: Yeah.

Nerves gnawed at my stomach, but I knew I had to get it over with. I needed to fix things between us or I risked losing the best thing that had ever happened to me.

I knocked and Will opened the door, standing in jeans that hung low on his hips and no shirt. His hair was wet and dripping onto his shoulders. He took my breath away. He motioned me inside and I walked in, nervous and wanting to have the awkwardness to be gone.

“It’s good to see you,” he said. He kicked the door shut and walked into the kitchen. “Want a drink or anything?”

“No, I’m okay.” I wrung my hands.

“I just got out of the shower when you texted. I should probably go finish getting dressed.”