The Fall Of Jacob Del Garda (11 page)

Gabriella shifted.

Jacob lay on his side, one arm pinning her by the waist to the bed. In sleep, his marvellous face was relaxed, without care, three inches from hers. They'd slept in the classic pose of love; the possessed and the possessing.

Oh God, what had she done?

He'd caught her by surprise, her defences had been torn asunder, destroyed, by their mutual need.

Selfish
.

She'd been selfish to take like that from him, when she had nothing left to give him in return.

No future.

With a deep sigh, Gabriella closed her eyes, knowing there was no point in wishing for a future that could never be. The man who had spent the night loving her so selflessly deserved much more. So much more.

The time had come for her to step-back, to make it clear she was not the person he needed in his life. But, oh how she longed to remain here in his arms, held close to his warm body. A warmth that had melted the ice in her belly, and in her heart. There was nothing she could do to undo hours of love-making, but if she wanted a better life, better future, for him, then it was crucial she moved away now.

She attempted to separate her body from his, and Jacob simply tightened his hold to bring her close. "No," he whispered sleepily, eyes closed. "Not yet."

Gabriella felt her breasts press against his chest. But instead of her flesh yielding, they lay hard against him in a way that was unnatural, and a sharp reminder of why it was not a good idea to give in to the smoulder of heat deep in her belly.

His mouth was close. Too close.

It was dangerous for them to stay together like this. The deep need to stay safe, warm, in the security of his arms, was so strong it terrified her.
Selfish
, the little voice spoke again in her ear.

Again, Gabriella moved away, and again Jacob held her tight.

"Jacob," she pleaded, then her words were swallowed by his mouth.

She ordered herself to stop against the deeply seductive musky first kiss of the morning, but she didn't. Then his hand slid over her bare bottom, her skin shivered for more, more. Stop, her brain demanded. This is a mistake, but she couldn't. She was already lost, lost in the deep plundering pleasure of his mouth. Her sigh of protest became a moan of surrender.

Jacob rolled his body over hers. He couldn't help but bury his face in the glorious gold of her hair. Then he took his hand down the long length of a smooth thigh and back again, to rest on the flare of her hip. He knew his woman too well, could sense the struggle within her, feel her desire to withdraw from what had happened between them. He felt her retreat. And it infuriated him. But then that anger was swamped by hurt. She'd hurt him. Again.

"Regrets?" He moved back to take a good long look at her flushed face. Her hazel eyes were dark with desire. Her breathing was unsteady. Well, he knew the feeling, his own breath wasn't steady either. He could see, could feel, the battle waging inside her and recognised she was fighting herself even more ferociously than she fought him.

Then her palms were on his chest, ready to push him away.

"This is not a good idea," she whispered.

"Seriously?" Pushing aside the anger and the hurt, Jacob fisted her hair, brought it to his nose and inhaled the essence of his woman. "Why?"

Gabriella's eyes met his, and it was clear that this time she was going to tell him it was over to his face. "I don't want this."

"You have just perjured yourself," he shot back. His voice was steady, belying the knife she'd just slid into his heart. "The truth is you do not want to want me. And I want to know why."

What could she say?

The truth
, a little voice whispered.

But instead she went with, "I am not who you need."

Dark brows winged into his hairline, and the look in his eyes told her he was not impressed.

"Who I need is not for you to decide." The quick kiss on the mouth was undemanding, friendly even, and confused her. "It is not as if I am asking you to marry me, is it? I think we can both agree that ship has sailed. I see no reason why we cannot be lovers. Can you?"

He was giving her what she wanted, wasn't he? Something... sex? With no strings? So why did she feel like weeping? Why did her heart feel as if it is was breaking all over again?

"If that's what you want," she replied.

Then realised she'd agreed to something she didn't want at all.

Jacob read the confusion in those big hazel eyes, the hurt in that soft voice.

And he was glad.

"We did not have enough fun when we were together," he said, watching bafflement enter her eyes.

"Fun?"

"
Si
, taking long walks, sleeping until noon, making love in the long grass. Fun. I am not asking for more than sharing time with you." Actually, he wasn't going to ask, he was going to demand a hell of a lot more from her. But not yet. One step at a time. Jacob Del Garda had lived his life as a winner, not a loser. He sure as well was not going to lose Gabriella again. Never again. "It is not too much to ask, is it,
querida
?"

His dark brows rose and humour danced in those grey eyes, and Gabriella felt her objections melt away. In spite of herself, in spite of the voice in her head telling her this was so not a good idea, her hand lifted from his chest to smooth a lock of silky hair from his forehead.

"I don't think it's going to be that easy, Jacob. Not between us."

"Maybe not easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. I want you naked, willing and warm in my bed. I want you in my life, laying in the sun, splashing in the ocean, having fun with me." His lips whispered over her eyelids, her cheeks, her chin, then paused at her mouth to press butterfly kisses on her lips again and again. "I want you here, but I agree, I do not think it is going to be easy."

Then he rolled onto his back, taking her with him until she lay sprawled across his chest, giving them both time to come to terms with what had happened between them. And all the time his hand stroked her bare back, her backside, possessively.

Could she do it, she wondered, as her bones, her muscles, relaxed. As her eyes closed, as sleep slid closer.

"Perhaps we could take it one day at a time," she murmured.

She didn't see his quick grin. "We will start later today. It is too early to get up."

When there was no response, he realised she was sound asleep. He was wide awake and aroused. But Gabriella was in his arms, where she belonged. The trick would be to keep her there. The more he pushed, the more she would retreat.

He needed a plan.

Hours later, Jacob lay on his back and listened to Gabriella's soft breaths as she slept deeply.

He'd tried to be very gentle with her, taking great care not to hurt her as she'd cried her release.

She was so sound asleep she didn't even rouse when he left their bed.

Dear God, their love making had been red-hot.

Blistering.

Just looking at her now, her lips still swollen from his, her cheeks flushed in sleep, he found himself getting too hard for her again.

They hadn't discussed whether she was clear of cancer. The blindingly destructive power of that single word made him close his eyes tight.

Perhaps there was a battle for her survival ahead?

And by the way she was behaving, the way she'd tried to push him away after they'd made love, made Jacob fear the worst.

What really scared him was that the broken woman he'd held in his arms and loved with his whole heart and body was not the Gabriella he thought he'd known. The woman he'd known was a warrior. A fighter, who faced life head on.

Their lovemaking had held a desperation that, in the cold light of day, seemed to diminish him as a man. And he simply could not understand why he was feeling like this. She was back in his life. But now he accepted the truth that she was not back in his life through choice. If he hadn't come to her last night to demand an explanation, the unpalatable fact of life was that Gabriella would never have sought him out. Never. And mixed into his whirling emotions was how much she had gone through, how much she had suffered. Alone.

Bitter tears slid down his cheeks. And he let them. His heart was so heavy in his chest he could barely breathe with an ache that was beyond pain. He wanted to rail against fate, rail against her for leaving him. For not trusting in the love they'd shared to see them through this as a couple.

Why had she chosen to endure the nightmare alone?

Why hadn't she trusted him to stand by her and love her?

Why?

Knowing he wasn't going to get answers in his immediate future, Jacob checked his cell for the time. In an hour he'd meet Josh for their morning run and he'd never felt more in need of the release of endorphins.

Taking care not to wake her, Jacob picked up his clothes and eased out of the bedroom dressing quickly in the sitting room. All the while his gaze lingered on her laptop and digital camera equipment. She hadn't finished her work last night, and he had a full morning ahead of him at Ludlow Hall.

Sitting at a desk, he wrote her a short note and left it on top of her laptop.

They both needed a bit of space, and he definitely need a plan.

"I didn't win this morning, pal. Your heart wasn't in it," Josh said as they towelled off in the changing rooms after their morning run. "But a win's a win. And I'll take whatever I can get."

Jacob managed a weak smile. A smile that made his friend stare hard at him.

"Join me in my office for breakfast?" Jacob offered.

Josh shrugged on a pristine white cotton shirt, tucked it into his bespoke suit pants, then he picked up a silk tie the colour of claret.

"You know I never turn down a free meal. Twice in one week. I take it things are not going well with your woman."

Jacob didn't respond to the statement until they were sitting in his office drinking strong black coffee. The waiter had set up a side table heaving with platters of bacon and eggs and all the trimmings.

Josh wolfed down his food like a man who hadn't seen meat for a month.

Jacob waited until the table had been cleared and poured himself and his pal another cup of the black stuff.

"Gabriella has had a double mastectomy for breast cancer."

His friend couldn't hide his shock.

And Jacob knew exactly how he felt.

"Fuck," Josh said.

"
Si
."

Josh leaned over and his hand grasped Jacob's arm.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob. So, to give you an out, she martyred herself."

Now the anger that Jacob had lived with for too many months bubbled and brewed like battery acid in his belly.

"I do not want an out. I cannot understand why she did not trust me to stand by her."

Josh shook his head.

"Poor girl. She did trust you to stand by her. Don't you see, that's why she left?"

The logic of the statement did not make sense to Jacob.

If Gabriella truly loved him enough then she would have wanted him, needed him, to share the burden.

Now he rose to pace to the window and back.

"I love her. But if I hadn't gone to her last night, forced her to confess, then she would never have come to me." His hand scrubbed his face, moved around to squeeze, to ease, the tension from his neck. "I am not enough for her. I am not what she needs."

Josh wondered if perhaps he should butt out of his friend's problems.

In his opinion, Jacob was not thinking clearly.

He could see the man was hurting. The poor bastard had endured a special king of hell. And now this. However, Josh had some up-close and personal experience with breast cancer. In particular, the emotional impact the disease had on the person who had the illness, as well as the immediate family.

"Five years ago, my mother went through a similar procedure," he said.

Jacob slumped into the big leather sofa and rested his head on the back to stare at the ceiling.

"Did she leave your father and her family?"

Josh shook his head.

"Nope. But the utter shock of the initial diagnosis sent her into an emotional tailspin. My mom's a fighter. But believe me when I say she had her dark times, especially in the early hours of the morning. She took control. She wanted information, lots of it. So she asked questions. She surrounded herself with a support network, including my dad and us. But more importantly, the medics and specialist breast nurses. She changed her lifestyle. Gave up a well-paying job she hated. And started doing something she loved. Now she's a guide at the Victoria and Albert museum in London. She's healthy, takes care of herself, and is happy as a clam. But I'll never forget how scared we were that we were going to lose her. At the same time as her diagnosis, I was offered a job in the States. I turned it down, decided to stay here, to be close, just in case. And let me tell you that my career decision annoyed the hell out of her, because she didn't want to hold me back. I've never regretted it."