The Fall (20 page)

I exhaled deeply, needing to get the next part out before he thought differently.

“None of this was your fault. Parents grow old and die, mothers get sick. You went to college and started your life. Every kid does it. You did absolutely nothing wrong.”

“Then why does it feel like I did?” he asked on a whisper. “Why do I feel like everything I did was for nothing?”

“I can’t...I don’t know how to answer that,” I said quietly. He pulled onto my street then parked. We sat in his car in silence for a few minutes.

I spoke first. “You know if you need me again, I will be happy to help.”

“I won’t,” he said. “But thanks for the offer.” I got out of the car, turning back to retrieve my purse. He grabbed my arm when I began to pick it up, and I looked across at him, the ache in my chest growing, and the urge to wrap myself around him unbearable. For the first time since he returned, I felt like I was staring at my best friend again—the man I was closest to, the man who I’d loved more than anything in the world, and the man who ripped my heart apart and left me completely broken.

“Let’s just go back to the beginning,” he said, pulling me into a hug. I wrapped my arms around him, planting my knee on his passenger seat and nodded in the crook of his neck. He wanted to be friends. And though it shouldn’t have, my heart sank.

“You were always on my mind. Always, Dallas. I’ve thought about you every day,” he whispered as I held him a little tighter. “I never, not once forgot about you, either. And that day in New York...I’d give anything to go back and change it.” I choked on a sob as I pulled away, unable to keep the tears from falling. I wanted to unload on him, to tell him I had almost died mourning the loss of him. That I had spiraled out of control and drank myself stupid, giving into my sexual whims. That until Josh, I had never even looked at a man longer than the time it took for a casual fling. That I had damn near lost my mind thinking what I felt for him was one sided.

I’d let my emotion take complete control as he stared at me, clearly shocked at my sudden outburst.

“Dally,” he pleaded, cradling my face and wiping my tears. I flinched at his contact, pulling away and letting my anger surface.

“You can’t do this to me again!” I slammed his passenger door as my sobs picked up. I walked away from the car and stumbled into my condo, locking it behind me before sliding to the floor.

How much did he possibly think I could take? Up to that point seconds ago, I had been so strong in my refusal to entertain him and our past. I held my head in my hands and sat slumped on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. I still loved him. I had never stopped. Not for one minute had I stopped loving Dean. I would always love him and it would always hurt.

It didn’t matter how hard he was trying. The words he was saying couldn’t be true, and I refused to believe him. I could never forget the incredible lows I felt at the loss of him.

I’d met the love of my life and my soul mate when I was fifteen. I knew that; he knew that. He wanted that girl back.

I wanted to forget she existed.

It would just have to hurt.

"Numb again. Love again. Fuck it!" – Laura (Room 212)

Dallas

• Then
  

New York

I walked the crowded streets in absolute awe. New York! I could feel the fast pulse of the city reverberating through the air as my surroundings fascinated me. I couldn’t help but to wonder what it would be like to join Dean here for medical school. I watched as people hurried along the streets while I stood and watched their progress. I felt alive with energy and could see the appeal immediately of moving to a city like this one. Suddenly, a freezing gust of air hit me, and I instantly screamed out at its arrival.

Fuck that idea.

Walking further into campus, I watched the students as they passed me and noted the dynamic of the school. It was far more fast paced than Austin, and I had expected as much. I couldn’t keep from thinking how hard it must have been for Dean the first few weeks. Then again, Dean had always been one to rise to any challenge. I was sure he had it well under control. It had been months since I’d seen him. He had refused to let me go until after the summer of his senior year, forgoing his typical annual trip to Spain, and spend what time we had left together. We spent most of our days hanging out with our friends, eating fattening food at the lake and having amazing sex. Every night he left me, he would tell me how much he loved me, and he could not wait for our future. His promise that he would be at my school the day I graduated to propose seemed like one he would keep.

Even after I agreed to make things work with the distance between us, after Christmas break, I’d pulled away from him, insisting we try it without each other, asking for time to adjust to life without him. He’d assumed the worst and stopped trying altogether.

It had been three months since I’d heard from him. He’d just stopped calling. After several unanswered calls, I had to go to him. I had to tell him I’d made a mistake, make it known I needed him, that I couldn’t breathe.

My classwork was suffering, and I couldn’t concentrate. I was furious he hadn’t bothered to call me, or at least let me know himself that it was all a lie, that I had trusted his promise in vain. At the same time, I could not believe it. I refused to believe it, not with the way he looked at me, touched me. Dean was my salvation. I just needed to see him, to touch him, to know he was real. That what we had was real.

“You looking for a class?” a male voice asked from my right as I stared up at the bulletin board. I had no clue how to find him. I went to his apartment first and his roommate Kyle told me he was in class all day so I selfishly went to his school. I couldn’t wait.

I rattled off that I was looking for a med student and he pointed to a hallway that led into another building.

“Midday lets out in a few minutes. You should find who you are looking for there. That’s where most of the med classes are held.”

I thanked him and made my way down the hall just as the first door opened. I waited with my stomach in knots. I had worn my favorite sweater and skinny jeans with matching red velvet pumps and lipstick. My hair was a bit longer. I felt chic and sophisticated. I caught a glimpse of him as he appeared outside of a door and said his name as my heart pounded against my chest. When I caught up to him and turned him around, I laughed out, “Dean, Dean Martin?” He stood with his bag in hand, staring at me in shock.

“Hi,” I said, leaning in to kiss his cheek. He pulled away, grabbed my hand, and pulled me outside the school onto the sidewalk. It was early spring and I could feel more than the chill of his stare as I braced myself.

“This was obviously a bad idea,” I said, watching his reaction to me. He was leaning against the brick building we had just come out of, his book bag between his feet, his arms crossed.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded as I clasped my hands together in front of me, wringing them nervously.

“I don’t know, Dean. I was in the neighborhood thought I would say hi,” I said, full of nervous sarcasm.

“Dallas, I’m at school,” he said warily. I studied him hard. His face gave nothing away.

“We haven’t talked in so long. I just thought...I mean ...” I looked at him again, dying to throw my arms around him. He seemed cold and distant, which floored me considering when we parted we were both in tears.

“You made sure of that,” he said testily. “Aren’t you the one who said we should—”

“Look, I know I said it would be easier if we gave each other space, but I didn’t mean for it to be like this!” I said, holding my hands up. “I came to tell you I was wrong, Dean. I miss you, so much, too much. This isn’t working for me, but obviously you are just fine with it,” I huffed, crossing my own arms in front of me, on guard with him for the first time since I’d last seen him in Austin.

“And you’re sure you’re not?” he asked crudely, pulling himself from the wall, his face in mine, his eyes blazing.

“I just said I wasn’t,” I pleaded turning away from his stare. “I can’t concentrate.”

“Well, why don’t you ask Casey to help you?” he said icily.

“What?” I asked, baffled. “That idiot,” I started to protest then realized he was fuming. “Dean, you don’t think he and I did anything, do you?” I asked, taken aback. I moved toward him as he picked up his bag and started walking away from me.

“Dean, I didn’t touch him!” I yelled after him. “I would never. Not him!”

“He answered your phone at 4 A.M., Dallas!” he confronted, turning back to face me.

“Fine, so he did. So that gave you the fucking right to cut me out of your life? You bastard! Is that why you did this? Do you have any idea what that did to me?”

He dropped his backpack and gripped my shoulders. “I’m not there! I’m not there, Dallas! I was losing my fucking mind. I couldn’t handle it, okay? I still ...”

“Me neither,” I admitted as his face twisted before our lips came crashing together. Fire spread from my chest down to my toes as he pushed me up against the wall and plunged his tongue into my mouth. I moaned out as he fully wrapped himself around me and I threaded my fingers into his hair, gripping him and tilting my head to invite him in deeper. When he had kissed me thoroughly, he pulled away and held the sides of my face.

“Fuck, I miss you so much,” he murmured as he pulled away, an inch from my lips. “But we can’t do this. Dallas, I can’t do this. You were right. It’s too much...... too hard.” My eyes immediately filled with tears at his admission. At the same time it comforted me I wasn’t alone.

“Did you sleep with him?”

“No, Cammie did.” He nodded, taking in my appearance with a sigh. My admission did little to change his resolve.

“One day your answer will be yes, Dallas. You will date again, and you may even love someone else. I won’t be able to handle it.”

“You won’t and I won’t. I can’t love anyone else, Dean. I don’t know how to. I’ll wait. I want to be with you, Dean.” He was shaking his head as soon as the words left my mouth.

“I can’t, Dallas. You pushed me away and I lost my shit when he answered your phone. This isn’t good. We have to—”

“What about graduation, Dean?” I said harshly as more tears spilled down my cheeks. “What about that? Am I supposed to forget that, too?” I gripped my necklace and he looked past me as he spoke.

“Dallas, it’s a long way away. What if I don’t want to leave New York?”

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” He lowered his head and I lowered mine, forcing his back up to meet my eyes. “You son of a bitch!” I cried, my heart crumbling to nothing at his feet. I glared at him as I started to back away. “Everything you’ve ever said to me was a lie.” I had to get away from him. Pain I couldn’t handle seared through my chest in a silent explosion. I turned and dashed in my heels and was narrowly missed by a cab as I darted out into the street. Dean caught me, bringing me back to him, and held me still while I struggled against him.

“Dallas, stop it!” he barked.

“Fuck you!” I screamed, fighting him as I struggled to get away.

He gave up the fight several minutes later, cursing in frustration. “What do you want from me?! I told you I would stay! When you insisted I come, I begged you to wait for me. Told you I would do whatever I could to keep us together. You wanted space! You broke up with me, insisted we go on without each other. I’m here now. I can’t quit, and there’s no going back.” I stopped moving as I looked up at him. I saw it then. The edge in his words filled me with dread.

“You’ve slept with someone?” I asked around a sob. “No, don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. I fucking hate you. You did this to me!” I screamed, hysterical. “You made me love you this much! You took it all and left me.”

“Please, Dallas,” he said, moving me to a less crowded part of the street, keeping me tight to him as my breathing evened out. “No, I haven’t touched another woman. I can’t.”

“It’s fine,” I said, trying in vain to pull myself together.

“It’s not fine. I’m not fine, either,” he admitted, running his fingers through my hair as he spoke with his chin pressed to my temple. “I feel like I can’t breathe without knowing you anymore. It’s been the hardest three months of my life. I thought you were moving on.”

“Because I was trying to be that girl for you. The one who doesn’t need you constantly and can handle the distance, but I can’t. I can’t do it! Please, can we fix this? Let’s fix this!” I croaked, begging him. “Please, Dean, help me fix this!

“Come home—”

“Come to New York—”

“I don’t belong here,” I answered, knowing at the same time. “You do.”

I knew in that moment everything had changed. Dean had been willing to stay in Texas up until he’d left. Once he got to New York, things had changed for him. His eyes pleaded with mine. I had no answer, and I couldn’t ask for more than he had already given me. I should’ve asked him to stay when he insisted that he would. I’d lost my chance, and now I knew he felt his future resided in New York, and there was nothing I could do about it. He’d been willing to let me go.

I took him in one last time. He was beautifully dressed, wearing distressed jeans, a thin blue sweater, and a black blazer. His jet-black hair had gotten a bit longer and was slightly curling at the ends. His blue eyes bore into mine as I swallowed a breath filled with his clean scent. I reached out and touched his face, taking in his chiseled features as he studied me with confusion. I swallowed hard and stayed quiet for several moments as I accepted our fate. I looked up at him with fresh tears in my eyes.

“Okay, you stay,” I said, looking around me at the incredible city that surrounded us and hung my head. I couldn’t compete with it. “Fuck.”

“Dallas, I still love you,” he said, as if he knew what I was about to say.

“I know.” I attempted to smile while the inside of my chest squeezed so painfully it took my breath away. I looked into his crystal blue eyes and made him a promise.

“I’ll still love you,” I said softly. “I’ll still love you in a week, in a month, and in three years. I’ll still love you for the rest of my life. You did that to me, and you can’t change it. No matter where you go or what you do, I will still love you. Even if you marry another—” my voice cracked as my tears fell in a steady stream “—or I find someone, I’ll love you more. Nothing will ever change that, Dean. Nothing can.” Time, space, it’s never seemed to matter when it came to Dean. I’d been a fool to think my love had a limit. The clarity of that realization hit me harder than ever as I gave him one last look. His beautiful features twisted in pain as he soaked in my words. “You will always matter more. It will always be you. Go be a doctor, Dean.” I let a last, lone tear slide down my cheek then walked away from him. I didn’t want to see his reaction. It didn’t matter. He’d let me go.

It was over.

I had lost Dean to New York.